Everyone Learns Faster On Fire

You know that semi-frustrating state where you lie in bed trying to find a comfortable position that is not too hot, not too cold in the middle of the night? Well, that is what Frank found himself a part of now. Once again, he lay wide awake contemplating what on Earth was going on inside the perplexing mass that was his brain. He had the same question buzzing around his mind yet again. Maybe the fire had sort of burned his brain out, or something, because this question had only surfaced since that dreaded night.
However much he tried to block the question out, tried to think of something else, it would manage to wriggle itself back to his attention. Tonight, he had already tried clamping the warm side and the cold side of the pillow over his head, sleeping with some feel good music blasting from his iPod into his ears, and replaying the parts of his favorite movies over and over again in his mind, anything to block it out. But the question still remained, and he would get no sleep tonight until he figured out what the hell was wrong with him.

‘Am I in love with Gerard?’

He tried telling himself that he had no feelings for that man at all. He tried telling himself that he only said those things a few nights ago because he was scared and just wanted Gerard to hold on for his life. He tried telling himself that he wasn’t gay. He tried telling himself all these things, but it didn’t seem to convince him that they were true. Something deep down inside was stopping him from believing what he thought was right.
He turned from his right side onto his back to stare up at the ceiling. The eerie glow from the streetlight outside was creeping through the curtains and crafting sinister shapes on the plaster above him. They looked like ghosts, mocking him from their supernatural land, laughing scornfully at the dilemma he now faced. He wanted to grab at them. He wanted to tell them to leave him alone and to leave his apartment immediately. But then he realised that the ghosts were nothing but a figment of his overactive imagination that this problem was causing him to envision. See what lack of sleep can do to a man?
He sighed, feeling more awake than ever, and turned to face the girl sleeping peacefully by his side. He loved her so much. How could he ever think of Gerard being within the same league as her? It just didn’t seem right. When he was with this girl, he felt like the luckiest man on Earth and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. And looking at her now, her beautiful eyes closed, breathing deeply in her slumber, he felt so guilty of ever even thinking those things about Gerard.
He turned back on his right side and flicked the switch on the lamp that stood on the bedside table. He couldn’t lie here like this anymore, it wasn’t doing him any good. As the dim glow filled the small room, his girlfriend began to stir and mumbled something inaudible. Frank lent over to plant a gentle kiss on her forehead. The girl relaxed again, and her eyelids didn’t even do so much as flicker as Frank got out of bed and wandered of the bedroom, being careful not to disturb her anymore.
The entire apartment was pitch black. Frank hated to admit it, but the darkness sometimes felt to him as intimidating and scary. When he was a child, be believed that monsters lived in the shadows and would get ready to pounce on him as soon as lamp went out. Right up until he was fourteen years old, he would keep a dim light on while he slept to keep any potential monsters away. His mother used to complain about the amount of energy he was wasting, and how the electricity bill was getting higher all because of him. Obviously now, he had grown out of the idea that evil creatures hid in the darkness, but sometimes night-time made him feel uneasy. Sometimes he wished he could go back to those days. Those days where he was comforted at the feeling that a simple night light could make all his worries go away.
When he reached the kitchen, the only light was being radiated from the small LED clock on the oven. It was 3:06 AM, and so far, Frank hadn’t managed to get a wink of sleep.
Five minutes later, he was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a glass of water through a straw and watching one of his beloved dogs snoring in her basket in the corner. He had been here before. A few years ago, he had sat in this very kitchen at a similar time in the early hours of the morning, thinking about the same things. Frank couldn’t believe that it was over two years since he and Gerard’s first ‘encounter’, and a mere two years later he had broken his vow of never letting that sort of thing happen again.

‘I’m a failure. I’m such an idiot. Why do I do these things to myself?’

However much he wanted to deny it, however much he wanted to think of it as a dream, that feeling still remained. Every time he caught a glimpse of Gerard, butterflies filled his stomach, the same feeling as he got when he had his first crush on a schoolmate. Gerard made him feel like he was sixteen again. Frank couldn’t understand why. He had never had a crush on a man before, never in his life. So why did he suddenly feel like this towards Gerard? He couldn’t help thinking back to their first kiss a couple of years ago. It had made him feel complete, the kiss had managed to take all his fears away. It was a beautiful feeling, just like the kiss they shared the other night in the fire.

‘What is it that Gerard has and Jamia doesn’t?’

He couldn’t work it out. Gerard was exciting, imaginative and humorous, but Jamia was loving, calm and sweet. He knew he wanted to spend his whole life with her, but he knew that she was lacking in something that Gerard possessed.
Frank silently scolded himself for thinking such thoughts. Jamia was all that he needed, and that was that.

Barely a few hours later, his beloved Jamia would find him sleeping in his underwear, with his head on the kitchen table .The glass and straw would be lying in a puddle of water from where it had been knocked over. She would never know the real reason why her boyfriend stayed up almost all night long, and he would never even dream of telling her.