Everyone Learns Faster On Fire

Gerard sat silently at the kitchen table, turning his mobile phone over and over in his idle hands. Not one text message. Not one phone call. It was like Frank didn’t care about him at all.

‘He’s probably too busy with his girlfriend to bother with me.’

This was the loneliest Valentines Day of his life.

Sure, he had received hundreds upon hundreds of cards and gifts from the fans, and he loved them all for that, but what about the people who really meant something to him? All day Gerard had tried to convince himself that Frank would give him a call or come round soon, but it was now almost 10pm and what was left of his hope was rapidly dissolving away.

‘They’re probably at the restaurant now, sipping from glasses of champagne and holding hands over the table.’ Gerard thought, checking his voicemail again to make sure he hadn’t missed anything. ‘Either that or making the mattress creak together.’

He hated her. He loathed every single thing she stood for. If she just went away for good, then Gerard could show Frank what a real relationship was. Gerard was not an idiot. He knew that Frank couldn’t love Jamia that much, because why would he spend so much of his time sneaking out to see him? Why would he sit in bed at night sending Gerard dirty text messages when she was asleep by his side? Gerard had told Frank that she would have to find out sometime about what was going on, but he feared that she had no clue. Why would Frank always worry about her every time they got together if she knew what was going on? Gerard had hoped that if Frank told her about him, then she would leave him for good.
But no. She still stood there shoving her malicious tongue down Frank’s throat in front of Gerard, as if she was boasting how ‘perfect’ they were together.

The thought of Frank and Jamia being together made him feel physically sick. He could feel his stomach churning and that familiar sickness feeling rising. He quickly kicked the chair aside and shot over to the kitchen sink, where he vomited over the unclean dishes he hadn’t bothered washing yet. He spewed the last of the meal for one he ate a few hours ago into the sink and began splashing his face with cold water from the tap.

‘See Frank? I love you so much it makes me ill.’

Gerard wandered tiredly over to the fridge in the corner to get something to wash the rancid taste of bile out of his mouth. It was covered in photographs of he and Mikey and a few with Frank, attached with some of those alphabet magnets. He tried not to look at the pictures as he opened the door. His eyes rested upon the bottle of beer Frank had left here last week. It was all too tempting.
But he vowed he would never drink again. He had been sober for almost two years. He couldn’t let one heartbreaking moment cause him to start drinking again, it wasn’t worth it.
Gerard tried to avert his eyes away from the brown bottle and settle on the orange juice beside it, but they just wouldn’t move. It was like his vision was glued to the poisonous substance.

‘No one has to know. Just one bottle.’He let the devil sitting on his shoulder win for once.

He grabbed the bottle out of the fridge and hungrily opened it with his teeth. He gulped it down like a dehydrated wanderer in the desert. It tasted so good and made him feel so much better. It was like it was washing all his sorrows away with the taste.
He sat back down and finished what was left in the bottle. He groaned when the last few drops slid down his throat. He needed more. There was still a slight aching pain deep inside him that needed to be washed away by this poison.
Tapping his fingers anxiously on the table, he contemplated driving down to the supermarket to get some more. But he knew that if he did, he would buy an entire crate and fall into the pit of alcoholism again. He didn’t want to be addicted, he just wanted enough to make him feel better again.

‘If Frank was here, I wouldn’t need beer. He’s the addiction I need. He’ll make everything alright again.’

But looking at the discarded mobile phone again, he realised that addictions did not always satisfy your needs.