The Perfect Girl

Awkward was an understatement if you were to describe the mood in the car as we drove home.

Once we’d run out of air, we’d broken the kiss. I could remember and hear our panting as we struggled to catch our breaths as if they were still present and I could feel the racing of my heart and the warmth on my cheeks. Sometime during the kiss, we’d maneuvered into a sitting position and I’d found myself straddling him once I regained my senses. After the kiss, I swear we sat there for an hour simply catching our breaths and calming down. I had my face nestled into his neck, my arms still wrapped around him and he’d gripped my legs, holding me into him.

The intimate moment was too much for me and as I regained my thoughts, I’d scrambled off towards the car with a ferocious blush burning my cheeks. I didn’t even look back at him; I simply stood by his car, waiting for him to unlock the doors. And once we were on the road, I didn’t even glance at him. Not once, but I could feel his gaze burning into me every few seconds before eventually he’d stopped looking and wouldn’t even spare me a glance.
And that brought me to this very moment.

We were stuck in traffic and the awkward tension was killing me. For the first time since the kiss, I looked at him. He was leaning against his left arm against the car door and his right arm stretched to the steering wheel. His ocean blue eyes focused on the road, not even bothering to match my gaze. His hair was still a mess from when I’d tangled my fingers in its strands. He hadn’t fixed his hair at all and I felt a new blush crawl to my cheeks as I remembered the kiss we’d shared.

I had a growing temptation to run my fingers through his dark brown hair again and quickly looked away. I squirmed in my seat and glanced at him again, meeting his eyes this time. We held eye contact for a second before we both looked away flustered.

The sound of vibration rang through and Jake quickly reached for his phone. The screen flashed before he quickly tapped the screen and read the text message. A smile etched itself onto his lips and he tapped it again before he began to type a reply and tapped it a final time and tucking his phone back into his pocket. He had a smug grin on his face as he stared out of the window. I looked away, jealous almost that a simple text message had made him forget about what had occurred not even ten minutes before.

“Kylie?”

I snapped into focus as I stared at Jake. He was no longer avoiding me. His gaze focused directly on me and the bothersome irritation returned. Stupid text message. I swallowed my jealously, “Uhm, yeah?”

His hand reached up, fixing his hair in the rear view mirror and a pang of hurt flashed through me as I watched him erase any evidence of our kiss. Once his appearance was in check, he looked at me, “Can you tell your mom that I’ll be over at six instead of five to set up my room? I’m going out with Nat tonight and we’ll get back a little late.”

A joyous smile plastered itself on his face as I gawked at him. We kissed and ten minutes later he had plans with another girl. I almost wanted to slap myself for thinking the kiss could’ve meant as much to him as it did for me. I was stupid and naïve for even considering it. Jake Rivers was a player and some boyish childhood enemy wasn’t going to change that. But as stupid as I felt, it didn’t even compare to the hurt I felt build up in my chest.

“Yeah…”I murmured, looking away, “I’ll tell her.”

Jake sighed contently before replying, “Thanks, Adams.”

I subtly nodded as I stared out of the window. How could I have been so stupid?

---

“I just can’t believe I kissed him.”

Duke wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his chest as I moped. I buried my face into his chest as he whispered sweet nothings to me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he adjusted himself so he had one arm around me and the other one smoothing my hair.

“It’s his loss,” Duke whispered to me and softly pecked the top of my head. I hugged him tighter and tried my best to keep my tears away. I couldn’t cry for a guy, I wouldn’t.

I sighed into his arms and slowly pulled away, “Let’s just head to class.”

As we walked to class, Duke consistently gave me sad looks. The pity only made me feel worse. I didn’t even know how to face Jake now. The kiss and then his date with Natalie just confused me. How was I supposed to act towards him? Did anything even matter to him? Did I even matter to him? A nervous shiver ran through me as we went through the doors for Calculus just in time for the bell to ring.

Jake was sitting with a crowd of his friends near the back towards the right. As soon as I came in, he’d smiled and gestured me towards a couple of seats near him. He had his usual smile on and I felt that throbbing pain return in my chest. The kiss didn’t mean anything to him. I was just another girl on his list. I blinked through any possible tears. He was acting as usual.

He was acting just as we did after that stupid deal. Like friends. Natalie was the one he treated differently. They sat side by side with stupid smiles on their faces as they talked and laughed and did whatever it was that whores did.

Duke grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers and pulling me towards a pair of seats across the room. I looked away from Jake and followed Duke quietly. As we settled into our seats, Duke let go of my hand and gave me a concerned look.

“You okay, Kylie?” He asked, worry lines etched into his skin.

I nodded, a small smile playing my lips, “I’m fine.”

No other words were exchanged. Instead, smiles and knowing looks went back and forth between Duke and I throughout class. Jake, however, sent multiple notes my way asking questions and simply trying to start a conversation. Apparently now that he and I were friends, we needed to talk during class one way or another. But I never replied, I’d simply read the note and crumble it up. Each and every note made its way to the trash can. Eventually, I stopped even reading the notes and simply brushed them to the side.

Finally, the bell rang and as I gathered my books, a shadow fell over me. I glanced up and saw Jake giving me a funny look. I raised an eyebrow. I hugged my books to my chest and gestured for him to move. He stood his ground. Duke was about to cut in, but I subtly shook my head. I hinted with my head for him to go on without me. He hesitated but left eventually once I began to ignore him.

“Excuse me,” I mumbled and waited for Jake to let me through. He didn’t.

“What’s wrong with you today?”

I sighed, “I’m just tired, okay? Please move.”

I pushed past him, walking off. I could hear him trailing behind me before rushing forward and grabbing onto my arm. He pulled me back and looked at me strangely again. I yanked my arm back, shooting him a dirty look.

“What the hell?” I grumbled and he sighed.

“What’s going on, Kylie?” He asked, although he stated it more than he questioned it.

I rolled my eyes, “Fuck off, Rivers.”

I started to turn, but he only held me back again. He stared down at me, “Tell me.”

I looked back up at him. He really didn’t know what he did. Was he really that numb to feelings? Was he heartless? How could he not know? The fact he was so numb to my feelings hurt. It hurt a lot. After years of pining after him, he kissed me and acted as though I didn’t mean shit. I’d rather he never gave me hope at all. Maybe then I wouldn’t hurt.

“Leave me alone, Jake,” I whispered as I held back tears. This is what I’d meant when I said wishful thinking ruined your life. And now it was changing me and Jake. Wishful thinking and change was a toxic pair.

As I stalked off, I knew Jake didn’t follow me. If he had, I would’ve been shocked. Jake was egotistical and arrogant but he wasn’t completely dimwitted. He knew when to stop and he did. For some reason though, I still wished he’d gone after me.

Because maybe then, he would’ve told me he cared about me and not Natalie. Maybe then he’d tell me the kiss meant as much to him as it did for me. Maybe then he’d tell me he loved me.

---

“Marcella, get out of your room and help Jake move his boxes into the guest room this instant!”

I grunted an incoherent reply as I stumbled out of my room. My mother had been yelling at me ever since I’d gotten home and it only got worse when Jake began to move his stuff into the guest room across the hall from my room. The hallway was packed with boxes and I honestly didn’t want to assist them in moving those boxes around. I had several reasons of course for my selfishness. One would be the fact I was avoiding Jake. I couldn’t handle any more rejection. The second reason would be that Farrah’s relentless flirting severely irked me. Her shameless behavior not only made me jealous, but it killed me knowing that if Farrah couldn’t even get him to spare her a second glance, I would never even get him to look at me in the first place. The third reason would be that I really was tired and all the school hours wore me down. Not only that, but I was freezing and a headache kept my head throbbing. I didn’t even want to think about the stuffed nose that prevented any breathing.

“Marc- Oh, honey. Go over and help Jake bring boxes from his house to ours,” my mother ordered and I reluctantly nodded.

I scampered over to Jake’s house and wandered around before I arrived at Jake’s room to see him packing up a box with his back towards me. I considered walking off, but decided avoiding Jake wasn’t worth getting scolded for hours. I made my presence known by knocking against the already open door.

Jake stood up and glanced at me before his eyes widened and he stared at me, “K-Kylie…Uh, hi.”

I looked around the room. It was empty and the room I’d been in just a few days ago was gone. There were only two boxes left. The one he was packing and one that stood to the far right side of the room. I looked back at Jake and sighed.

“My mom told me to come help,” I stated, not wanting him to think I was around for any other reason.

He nodded and looked down at the box he’d been stuffing, “Of course. Uhm. Let me just seal this box and you can take it to your place.”

I nodded and leaned against his wall. My eyes focused on the window I’d fallen through and I began to nibble on my lip. It had only been a few days ago but it seemed like forever. Things had changed so fast that I could hardly keep up. One moment Jake and I were punching each other, the next we were friends, and then we’d somehow ended up kissing. And now we were in his empty room and my heart was struggling to stay together. Things had changed.

Jake patted the box as he finished and he looked up at me. I met his gaze and sauntered over. He helped me get the box up and then went to get the other one. I led the way out of his room and he simply followed behind me.

“Kylie,” Jake stated and I stopped walking for a moment before looking back at him. He looked at me and continued, “What did I do?”

I turned away and continued walking through the house. When I didn’t answer, Jake repeated his question. I ignored him and began my way down the stairs. I struggled as I went down step by step since I couldn’t see my feet. I moved my hands around until I got a better grip and took a step. Only I missed the step and tumbled forward. The box lurched out of my arms and rolled down the stairs. I almost followed it if Jake hadn’t dropped his own box and held onto me. His arms were around me again and a feeling of warmth surrounded me. But even his effort didn’t do much, his footing lost balance and he slid down the step and we tumbled downwards before the turn of the stairwell caught our fall. Jake had held me into his chest, his arms surrounding me as if he were a shell protecting me. His face was disgruntled as we landed and I couldn’t help but to cling onto him.

“You okay?” He whispered and I swallowed and nodded. He slowly let go of me and I scooted off and began to gather the things that had fallen from his boxes. I had my back towards him and I ignored the painful sensations that were spreading through my body from the fall. And then he asked me one more time. “Kylie. What the hell did I do?” He pleaded an answer but the way he said it made it sound like he was the victim. Like he was the one hurting. And that bothered me. It bothered me a lot. He wasn’t the victim and he definitely wasn’t hurting. If anyone was hurting it was me. I’d had eyes only for him for years only to get it thrown in my face.

I whipped around and stared at him accusingly. “You wanna know what you did wrong, Jake?” I asked him, my voice angry. “You kissed me,” I began only to have Jake cut in.

“That’s not fair. You-“

“You didn’t let me finish Jake. You kissed me. You initiated it. And less than ten minutes later you’re making plans to go screw around with your perfect little bitch,” I seethed. Tears pooled in my eyes, threatening to spill as I told him just what I thought. “I know I shouldn’t care. This shouldn’t matter, but I’m not like you, Jake. I don’t like a new guy every week and I don’t have a line of guys who worship my existence. I don’t even want that. You know what I want? I want you to care or for you to notice me. I want you to look at me the way you see Natalie. I want you to see me as more than just that girl you hate.”

Jake stared at me with wide eyes. His mouth was left agape as he gawked at me, speechless. But that look in his eyes, I couldn’t place it, but it unsettled me. He didn’t say anything and his silence encouraged me to continue.

“You matter to me. You’ve matter to me since fucking middle school, Jake. That’s right. Kylie Adams has liked Jake Rivers for years. She’s so damn pathetic,” I turned away. By the time I’d confessed, my voice had cracked into and I could hardly speak louder than a whisper.

Jake didn’t say anything for I don’t know how long. But the silence told me he definitely didn’t like that I had feelings for him. I blinked all my tears away, refusing to let him win. If I couldn’t have him like me back, I at the very least couldn’t let him see me cry for him. He could see me break, but I’d never let him see me cry. Never.

After I gathered everything and put it back into the box I left Jake on those staircases probably wondering why the hell he had such bad luck to have me like him. I returned to my houses and dumped the box in his new room and stormed into my room, locking the door. As soon as I was alone in my bed room, the tears began to spill. I leaned against the door and slid all the way down until I was curled up on the floor.

I’d confessed. He knew. There was no more secret crushing or hiding my feelings or wishful thinking. I’d confessed and he didn’t do anything. He didn’t hold me or kiss me or tell me he felt the same. He didn’t stop me when I was leaving and he didn’t even come after me.

It was over and done and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I loved him with every piece of me. I loved every part of him and every single version of him. I loved how he ran his fingers through his hair whenever he was angry. I loved how his eyes would light up whenever anyone mentioned a guitar. I loved how he’d rub his thumb and his index finger together unconsciously whenever he was excited to do anything. I loved all of him and I don’t think I’d ever stop loving him.

The pain that was striking against my heart began to chisel holes inside of me and tears raced their ways out of my eyes. I clutched my chest as I cried, because I wasn’t crying for just then. I was crying for everything. For lying to myself for years whenever he had a new girl on his arm, for the kiss, for wishing he’d liked me, for his smiles, for years wasted, for every single time I’d sat there and wished he had feelings for me. I cried because I could and I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore.