Learning to Love June

I am falling, through the air, whipping past all of my mistakes because I am so far below them now. The air screams in my ear, an angry and hated sound which makes me deaf. All I can see is failure and blackness and I am still falling through the black air and nothing catches me.

I fall forever.

Until the second that I’m not falling anymore because a light slices the darkness and I’m in my room, in my bed. I was never falling; I only thought I was falling. But my body is shaking like I’ve just jumped off a cliff and my blood is pounding in my veins and cool sweat coats my forehead like a second skin.

My feet are warm against the icy floorboards and I feel like I’m going to pass out or throw up. My head pounds a wild beat as the blood flows to the rest of my body that apparently needs it more than my brain does.

“June, we’re leaving in ten minutes!” Jessica yells downstairs and I can tell just by her tone that she’s still mad at me.

I don’t answer her back; instead I walk into my bathroom and look at my reflection. My hair is wild everywhere and big black bags are under my eyes making me look like I got punched. I feel like I’ve gotten punched.

But she was serious about ten minutes and I know she’ll drag me to the car in my pajamas, so I slide out of my nightgown and reach for the first things I touch. I slide into the jeans that are just worn enough to be comfortable, and the sweater that matches my eyes and is usually my favorite. But at this moment everything feels backwards and out of place. Even me. Hair goes up into a pony tail because it’s so horrible that it breaks my heart to look at it. Makeup hides where I’ve been punched by life and then its ten minutes and I can hear Jessica coming up the steps to drag me to school.

“You take forever to get ready,” Jessica says, her eyes are as mean as her words and I feel like I’m going to be sick again.

“Get in the car,” she barks at me and I nod and scurry past like a slave or a deer.

I don’t know why I don’t say something to her, but it feels like talking is suddenly an ability I was born without because I can’t think of words to put together and make a sentence. I can’t even figure out where those words would come from.

But I guess I wouldn’t need to say anything at all because Jessica’s stony silence hits the car like a train and I wouldn’t talk even if I knew how. We drive to school like that, pretending that the radio can ward off the awkwardness and that we won’t have to do this again on the drive home from school.

But that makes me think about Kellan, which makes me feel even worse than I did when it was just Jessica. Maybe Jessica deserved something like that, but not Kellan. Never Kellan.

“Jessica,” I whisper, feeling surprised that I can talk even if it is just a whisper.

“Don’t talk to me,” she barks like an angry attack dog and I shrink in my seat because I’m afraid to get bit.

When we get to school my eyes are still heavy and I know I’m half asleep. Everything is blurry and unreal and unfocused. I feel like I’m underwater and I’m moving too slow. But I can’t move any faster because my limbs are still falling in my dreams.

“I swear to God you’re going to get hit by a car if you don’t move,” Jessica sneers as she passes me with one of her almost-perfect friends and I want to hit her or something.

But I do as she says and I move, my legs are moving fast and then I’m passing Jessica and I’m inside the school and it’s not safe, but it’s safer.

Becky is there at my locker like always and I’ve never been more happy to see her. In fact I’m so happy that I run up and hug her more than I have in the past year. Even though I’m telling myself not to, I can feel tears sting my eyes as she hugs me back because I know that she’s on my side.

“What happened June?” She asks, pulling away and worry creasing her face and I can’t believe I’ve been such a shitty friend to her.

“I got in a fight with Jessica,” I say, trying to get myself to calm down but I’m feeling some profound emotion that doesn’t have a name yet.

Understanding falls over her face like a blanket and she pats my shoulder softly, “I’m sure she’ll forgive you, you’re her sister.”

“It’s not just that,” I say, feeling frustrated, “I got in a fight with Kellan too and I think that he hates me.”

Surprise flashes over her eyes before she’s pulling me close again, “I bet he doesn’t, maybe you just have to give him time June.”

“Whatever,” I say, pushing myself away a bit, “Everything is ruined.”

“What about me?” She asks with a cheeky grin.

“Except for you,” I smile at her and pull her in for the third hug of the day just because I feel so beat up.

Then people are jostling us because the bell rang and they want to get to class. A senior at least three times my size knocks me over and I take Becky with me so all of our stuff is all over the ground in a big pile and we’re scrambling because we don’t want to be tardy and get detention.

I stand up first and look around, I see Kellan walking past us slowly and my mouth has suddenly found words and volume and decides to try them out.

“Kellan!” I call after him and for a second he looks over his shoulder with a smile. But then he realizes that it’s me and he hates me and looks away again, breaking my heart all over again.

Becky is suddenly patting my shoulder and I feel like I’m going to cry or something. Which would be so embarrassing because we’re in the middle of the hallway. So I bite my tongue until it hurts and I will the tears to go hide somewhere else because I don’t want to cry.

“You can go to class if you want,” I tell her in a soft voice like we’re sharing secrets.

“No, I want to stay with you.”

“Really, go, I’ll be there in a second,” I lie and try to force my mouth to smile at her so she’ll believe me.

“Okay,” She says slowly, turning to walk away and into the crowd of people all rushing to class or the people just lounging around because they think they’re too cool for school.

I watch her go and round the corner before sighing and looking at the ground and a small journal sitting there that I recognize right away as her diary. “Becky!” I call after her but its too late and she’s gone.

I bend down and pick it up to save it from someone with a curious heart. I look over the front which has been worn with years and I wonder why on Earth she never let me read her diary even though I know she’s read mine before when she was at my house.

I try to be a good person and tuck it into my backpack. I try to be a best friend. But the evil person that camps out inside of me wakes up and I’m opening the front of the journal. At first it’s boring, seems like it was started the year we were freshmen and I flip to the back page which I know is where she’ll have doodled something about a crush or a secret. Maybe even the secret if I’m lucky.

I do find a doodle, I do find the secret. It’s a giant heart drawn with the accuracy you can only get if you spent hours and hours working on it like it was Mona Lisa. It’s just a heart and shouldn’t mean anything except for the initials inside of it that make me want to throw up.

‘J.A. + B.C. forever’; it says in her flowing script and the books falls through my hand and crashes to the floor. The evil man inside me gets scared and runs for cover to hide again. I know the secret, but it makes the whole world tilt upside down and makes me want to be back in the dream where I’m falling.

Becky is in love with me.