Learning to Love June

The sky isn’t blue and grass isn’t green. Roses aren’t red and violets aren’t blue. Everything is upside down and backwards and wrong. I am in a dream, in a parallel universe where nothing makes sense and it’s a sick joke to someone up in heaven who thought I needed to learn a lesson.

But I wish I would just wake up because I’ve learnt the lesson and I’m done with this. I don’t want to face the truth that mocks me from the back pages of a journal. I try to think of everyone n the school with the initials of J.A. but I can’t think of one person because in this universe I’m suddenly stupid.

The bell rings, I’m late for class. I don’t move, my legs are glued to the ground and my heart is glued to my stomach.

“Young lady are you on your way to class?” A teacher passing by asks and I can’t see them, just a blur behind all the tears and are pushing up against my eyes and want to break free.

This is all too much. Everything is too much, with sharp edges and taunting voices. My sister hates my guts, my mom is sleeping with another man, my would-be boyfriend thinks that I was using him, and my best friend is in love with me in a non-friend way. I am drowning in self pity in misery and nothing makes sense.

I nod to the nosy teacher and turn on my heel even though that’s not where my classroom is, my legs are moving all by themselves, and I don’t have control over my body as the tears run down my eyes and try to escape the mess that is me.

I run out the doors, they open for me like they’ve been waiting for me to have a meltdown, I can’t see anything but tears and blurs as my legs fly across the pavement, and bang against ash fault and I can’t help but think that this is awful for my knees, but its’ just a fleeting thought.

I didn’t know it was what I was looking for, but the second I see Kellan’s death trap my whole body floods with relief and suddenly I’m down on the ground and my body is shaking. I never cry as a rule, Jessica has always been the emotional and dramatic one, but this time I cry and let out all the tears that my body could possibly hold. But my body must be making even more tears because it seems like I cry forever. My makeup is all washed away and my head is pounding with a dizzying beat. I want to sink into the ground with my tears and stay there forever.

“June?” I hear a voice behind me but it’s just a whisper because the sobs are still ripping out of my throat, making up for every time I couldn’t find my voice.

I don’t answer him but I try to stop crying because I’m being silly. I don’t want him to see me like this, but I can’t help it. I am being ridiculous and there are people who have it much worse than me, but at that moment all I can think about is the fact that life is out to get me. I feel stupid and young and naïve but mostly I feel like I’m crying until there is nothing left inside of me.

“What the-” Kellan starts to say, but he stops mid sentence because I fling myself into his arms because I just need one thing that feels right in all of this wrongness.

“I am so sorry,” I blubber like an idiot into his neck and I try to stop the unattractive sobs from ripping up my throat.

“Are you okay?” He asks, sounding panicked and I try not to feel happy that he still cares.

“I ruined everything,” I say, I’m trying not to cry again.

“What are you talking about?” He asks, pulling away from me so I can look into his eyes and I almost start crying again when I see those beautiful eyes of his.

“I didn’t mean what I said Kellan,” I say but the words are jumbled and they don’t make sense. “You’re not nothing to me, you’re everything to me, okay? I-I just, I mean that-“ I say but the words don’t come out right. “Please just please tell me it’s not over,” I finally manage and I bite my lip and look into his eyes because he could say anything right now. He could break my heart with one word and he could leave me and walk away. I’m actually afraid of his answer, because for the first time I feel like I don’t know anything.

“June,” He says and shakes his head with a small smile on his lips. “You’re such a mess sometimes,” he brushes my hair behind my ear, “But I don’t want this to be over.”

My heart explodes, the sun explodes, Jupiter explodes, and everything explodes.

“Does this mean you still think I’m prettier than Jessica?” I ask in my smallest voice and I watch as his mouth turns up in the smile that’s so pretty it hurts.

“Yes it means that you’re still much prettier than Jessica,” He laughs and pulls me closer so I can hear the familiar beat of his heart and it’s the best song on the planet.

&&

“We need to talk,” I say as soon as I see Becky and I feel like I’m breaking up with her.

“What?” She looks up with her big eyes and I feel horrible.

Kellan dragged me back into school as soon as I had calmed down, back into real life. He held my hand and walked me to the office explaining that I was too emotionally upset to go to class. I felt stupid and overly dramatic as he kissed me forehead in front of my classroom and I wish I could take it all back, but then I remember his hands around me and I feel like everything is right.

“In private,” I add, trying to emphasize my point and I can see that her cheeks turn red. I hope she’s doesn’t think that I’m dragging her away to hook up with her.

Oh God, this is all so messed up.

She follows me without another word and we’re in the back corner of the school you only go to if you’re some sort of druggie. The halls are empty and I know that I’m going to be late for class again and that I should really just leave but I can’t.

“I know your secret,” I blurt as soon as we’re here and I feel like crying again.

“What?” She asks, her eyes get wide. I feel like I’m in a soap opera, but this is all happening right here and now and there’s no stopping it.

“I found this today,” I say, dragging her notebook out of the depths of backpack, “And I saw the drawing.”

“You did?” she squeaks, like she’s suddenly scared.

“Yeah I did,” I say, my blood is all in my feet and my heart is pounding in my ears so loudly that I feel like I’m listening to everything underwater.

“So you… you know?” She asks, repeating herself like she can’t believe what’s happening.

“I do know, but I really wish I didn’t,” I say, crossing my arms across my chest because I’m angry. I’m angry and I can’t believe I am. I’m angry that she would be so dumb as to allow to herself to feel this way. I’m angry that she can’t just move on. I’m angry that I found the stupid journal. I’m angry that I have to do this right now with my best friend and I wish I didn’t have to.

“What?” Her eyes get wide again and I think she looks afraid.

And then another awful thought occurs to me. What if I break her heart? What if when we’re done we can’t even be friends and we’re all alone in the world. And I can’t help her get over this crush because it’s me and everyone knows that wouldn’t work.

“I just… I can’t believe it, tell me it’s not true,” I say, looking her in the eyes and willing her to tell me that it’s a boy I don’t know. Willing her to make this all go away.

“It’s true,” She shrugs and looks like she’s shrinking into the wall she’s leaning against.

“You know it’s never going to work,” I tell her, steeling myself because I feel ten times worse than I did the one time I had to turn down a boy who asked me out.

She looks up one more time and this time her eyes are filled with tears and that’s it because I’ve actually made my best friend cry. “You think so?”

“I know so,” I say firmly, but I feel like crying too. I feel like wrapping her up in my arms and keeping her heart protected in a steel cage because the last thing I want to do is break her even more.

Then she really is crying and sobbing and I feel like my heart is going to shatter into a million little shards that are going to kill me for being so awful.

“I’m so sorry Becky,” I say, reaching out to touch her but deciding at the last minute not too.

So my hand is stuck, halfway there, halfway back.