Learning to Love June

I am the world’s worst best friend. I am so disgusted with myself at this moment that I can barely think straight.

“You know that I still love you like a sister, right?” I say as Becky is bent over and sobbing.

“I know, I know,” She blubbers, trying unsuccessfully to wipe the tears away from her face. She looks like a mess and it’s all my fault.

“I really have to get to class, but I don’t want to leave you like this,” I tell her, voicing my inner confliction.

“You should go, I’ll be fine,” She says and I know that means that she doesn’t want to see me right now, or at all, ever.

I don’t know why God chose to make my life so complicated. But as she just sits there I decide to turn on my heel and let her be. At this moment I know that I should be doing something but maybe it’s just best if I let her have space.

I’m almost running to class, because the last thing I want is to have to explain why I was late to class. And I don’t think telling them that I was rejecting my best friend because she’s secretly lesbian but never told me, wouldn’t be such a good excuse.

I get to class, but I’m still late, when the teacher asks for an excuse I lamely stammer out that I was using the bathroom. And as I take my seat, I feel like a coward, and an awful best friend.

&&

“Where’s Becky?” Jessica asks when I walk up to her alone at the end of the school day, and I’m actually shocked that she noticed.

I shrug because I haven’t seen Becky since after first period when I broke her heart. But again, it’s not really something you tell someone. Much less your perfect older sister, who would probably laugh at the fact I had actual problems why she just glides through life.

“Oh,” she says, sounding slightly confused, but I just ignore her as Jeffery and Kellan march up to us and I want to throw myself at Kellan, but decide that would be wildly inappropriate.

When they get to us Jeffery gives Jessica a sloppy kiss on her cheek and she smiles up at him, I try not to gag but I don’t have to try when Kellan slides his arm around my waist and pulls me to him so our sides are smashed together. I know that there’s no way we could ever walk like this, but it’s nice to know that he wants to touch me almost as badly as I want to touch him.

“So I see that you two fixed your problems,” Jeffery notes with a small smile and it might be the first time he’s ever spoken to me. I know techniqually he’s speaking to Kellan as well, but for once I am included in the ‘two’ that he’s talking to.

“That’s what you think,” Kellan said, chuckling slightly and seeming to pull me closer even though there’s no way we can get any closer with our clothes on.

“ Let’s just go,” Jessica says with a roll of her eyes and I try not to be offended, but you would think my own sister would at least be a little happy for me.

She glances around the parking lot as we’re heading to her car, like she’s looking for something or someone, and I figure that one of her clones probably stole her lip gloss, but she seems preoccupied the entire time we’re heading home, and I have no idea why. Jeffery is holding her hand and making circles on her wrist with his pinky, but after awhile she gets annoyed and brushes his hand off of hers.

They don’t talk the entire way home, but I barely notice because Kellan is lightly kissing my neck, which makes me feel embarrassed and happy all at the same time. Embarrassed because his brother and my sister are in the front seat and they could easily see us back here, but happy because he wants to kiss my neck and his lips feel good on my skin.

It seems like the car ride home takes forever, and we’re not moving at all but sitting in place as the landscape crawls by us. When we get home, Jessica darts from the car like it was on fire and Jeffery is fast on her heels. I take my time getting out the car, making sure I’m taking extra long as Kellan sits impatiently right outside with his arms crossed and a smirk on his face.

“Took you long enough,” He growled when I got out finally and pulled me right into his arms, kissing me in a way that was entirely inappropriate for us to be standing in the middle of my driveway.

I pull away from him and he groans and slowly opens his eyes, his face pouting like I just took away his favorite toy. “We’re in the middle of my driveway.”

“We’re putting on a show for your nosy neighbors,” He shrugs and tries to pull me close away but this time I slip out of his grasp and head up to the house. He follows after me and when he finally catches up with me he wraps his arms around my waist and walks behind me like its painful for him not to touch me.

I open the front door to my house and kick off my shoes, watching as Kellan kicks his off his sockless feet and I can see Jeffery and Jessica standing in the living room and talking with their heads bent close together. By her body language I can tell they’re having a fight and I quickly pull Kellan up the steps because I don’t want to interrupt and get pulled into it.

“So I finally get to see your room?” Kellan whispers in my ear and I can tell he’s smirking.

“Don’t get any ideas lover boy, I’m a pure person,” I tell him with a laugh.

“I can change your mind,” He says and kisses the base of my neck and it takes all of my will power not to melt into his arms and tell him to take me.

“Good luck with that bucko’.”

He laughs behind me as I open the door to my room and realize I am very self conscious of it. I feel like instead of saying “here’s my room”, I’m saying “here’s my bed, and some other things.” I feel like my bed is too big and everything else is shrinking and I can’t even think straight because that last kiss is still making me a little dizzy and I know the last thing I need on my plate is to worry about pregnancy or STD’s.

“I like it,” Kellan declares and flops down on my bed, I try not to blush because it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just the only place to sit in my room. It’s just a bed, it’s not like Kellan even wants to have sex. I’m overanalyzing, I’m freaking out. There’s no way in hell that this is going to happen.

“Are you just going to stand there all day?” Kellan asks with a small smile and I roll my eyes and pretend to smack him in the head, I walk around my bed and sit on the windowsill, which is too small for my butt but I pretend it isn’t because I can’t think of anything more awkward than just sitting on my bed with Kellan.

“But now you’re too far away,” He pouts.

“Deal with it,” I tell him and cross my arms across my chest. I have no idea why I’m having all these thoughts now; I mean I have already seen Kellan in his underwear. And he’s seen you in yours, the voice inside my head declares and I feel myself blush and Kellan must think I’m a sex-obsessed freak.

“Why are you afraid to sit by me, I don’t bite,” Kellan tells me with a wink, and I sigh and give up, sitting beside him on the bed.

It takes all of two seconds before he’s kissing me, deeply and slowly and his hands are on my hips. I tell myself that this could get way out of hand, but I only think that for a second before I’m kissing him back and my hands are on his chest and I can feel his skin through his thin t-shirt. His hand is moving up my waist and to my chest and something goes off in my head but I’m enjoying kissing him too much and I can’t make myself pull away. He’s almost actually going to go there, and I’m going to let him when a giant SLAM from downstairs makes us jump apart. Our faces are red and our breathing is ragged, but my whole body is tingling, in a good way.

“We should go see what happened,” I say quickly because things could get out of hand again.

Kellan doesn’t say anything, but he nods and follows me out the door and down the steps into the living room. Jessica is sitting there alone with her head in her hands and I can tell that her and Jeffery just broke up.

“Oh shit,” I say quickly and run over to her aide. There is no way that she’s okay after that, not after Jeffery freaking Foster walked out of our house and out of her life.

“Are you okay?” I ask her quickly, and wrap an arm around her shoulder, but she just shrugs me off and I feel stung.

“I’m fine,” She lies and I can see that her eyes are red with tears.

“Do you need anything?” I ask, trying to be a good sister since I’m such an awful best friend and girlfriend.

“Go get me my cigs,” She tells me and I nod even though I don’t want her to smoke. As a rule she only does it when she’s really feeling down in the dumps, and I can tell this is a rough break up. But since I’m trying to be a good sister I leave Kellan with her and run up the steps go get her cigarettes.

I race up the steps and fling the door to her room open. I’ve only been in here a few times, and mostly when I’m going to get her something she’s too lazy to get herself. I know exactly where she keeps her cigarettes because I’m usually the one to go get them for her. I dig them out of the drawer and try to blow some of the dust off of them, and grab her lighter which is disguised as a pencil sharpener so mom won’t find out.

I grab them in my hands and it feels so wrong and I head down the steps, it sounds quite to me and I wonder if Kellan left with his brother and that thought makes me sad. But I get to the living room and I can see right away that he hasn’t left at all.

He’s just kissing my sister. And her arms are wrapped around his neck and she’s using her tongue and for a second I can’t even register what’s going on because I’m so shocked. Then I feel a parade of emotions march through me so quickly it’s a blur, like when the satellite goes out on our television. But the emotion that sticks out the most is anger, and it races through my veins like a wild stallion and I feel like I’m going to explode with it.

“You are such a slut,” I say, my voice is level and I’m surprised that I’m not yelling. But the way my voice bounces around the room and the way the iciness cuts her and Kellan apart makes my point. The turn to look at me and Kellan’s eyes are wide and his lips are already moving to create words but I hold up a hand to stop him and turn my glare to Jessica, who is sitting there with a sad smile on her face like she pities me and I want to punch her so badly I can feel my hand aching with the need.

“I cannot believe you,” I say, moving closer to them, “Oh wait, never mind, I can believe you, because everyone knows what a slut you are. You are Jessica Andrews and you have a new boyfriend every week, you fuck them up in your bedroom every day and then whenever you’re bored with them, you move to the next boy in the room. Even if that boy is your sister’s boyfriend!” And by the end I really am yelling, and I can feel my face turning red with rage.

Kellan shrinks back into the sofa like he’s trying to disappear and he looks like he’s just seen a ghost. I want to be angry at him so badly but for some reason I don’t feel angry, just hurt and betrayal and I feel like my heart is shattering in my chest. All the anger I am able to make is turned on my sister and my sister only.

“June, you’re being ridiculous,” Jessica says and stands up, but her face is slightly wounded and I know what I said hurt.

“I’m being ridiculous? I just ran upstairs to get your cigarettes, so you could smoke after you broke up with your boyfriend! Who happens to be my boyfriend’s brother, who you just happened to kiss! Jessica, I don’t know what sort of problem you have, but you should really have a doctor check it out, you are messed up. You are really messed up,” I say and I feel like crying because everything was going to so well with Kellan and now it’s all broken and laying around me in an unfixable heap.

“Can’t we just talk about this?” Jessica says, holding her arms up.

“No we can’t Jessica! You just kissed my boyfriend and you’re my older sister! You’re supposed to look out for me. You’re supposed to care about me! But you don’t! You’ve never cared about me! All you ever do is treat me like garbage and I’m sick of it!” I’m screaming and I look like I’m being stupid but I don’t care, and I turn on my heel and march out of the room and outside, letting the door slam behind me like I’m Jeffery.

I’m standing outside and I feel tears start to collect in my eyes so they can roll down my face, and I pull my hands up to cover my face, but I see I’m still holding Jessica’s cigarettes and lighter. I look at them and I hate her even more for making me go upstairs and get them so she could make out with my boyfriend. I hate her so much it’s like the world is just going to burn up with the power of my hate and anger. I used to think I wanted to be Jessica.

I take out a cigarette and feel my hands shake as I hold it up to the lighter. I’ve never done this before, but I pretend I am Jessica after a messy breakup and hold the stick up to my mouth and breathe in its sickly sweat smoke. I choke on it though and suddenly I’m coughing like I’ve never coughed before.

I don’t want to be Jessica. I don’t want anything to do with her.