Learning to Love June

If there was ever a point in my life where Jessica was a good sister to me, I can’t remember it. In those few heated seconds, ever good memory I ever had of my sister vanished from my mind and was instead replaced with the time she stole my Barbie when we were five. The time she booed at me during my third grade play. The time she told on me for cutting my own hair. Every single time she ever sneered at me for talking to her. And the time she kissed my boyfriend.

I sit outside in the cold long after Kellan came out and tried to talk to me. I sat there long after her began the long walk home, I sat there until my mom’s car pulled up into the driveway and she got out, her notebook nowhere in sight for as long as I can remember. I watch her march up the steps to me and I don’t even bother trying to hide the cigarette in my hand even though I’d long since put it out.

“June?” She asks like she can’t believe it’s me and I know how she feels because I’m equally bewildered.

“Mom?” I say, because I’m trying to mimic her but instead I just start crying because my sister just kissed my boyfriend and I can’t believe it.

“Oh God June, are you okay?” She asks quickly and her eyes widen before she’s kneeling in front of me and brushing my hair back from my face in the way only a mom can. I feel like my heart is breaking again as she pulls me even closer to her and I just want to cry forever.

“No, I’m not okay,” I blubber into her shoulder and I know I’m ruining her nice shirt but I don’t care and she shouldn’t either.

“What happened sweetie?” She asks, making calming noises in my ears so eventually the sobs are reduced to a few scattered tears running down my face.

“J-J-Jessica,” I start to say but I can’t finish because it just hurts too much to think about.

“What did she do?” Mom asks in my ear, this time more urgent.

“She…” I say but I don’t want to say the words out loud.

“You can tell me honey,” Mom urges and suddenly I feel like I really can tell her for once. I don’t have to worry about her bend over a notebook and scribbling away all her thoughts and fears while I’m having my own problems. For once I know that my mom is in a good place, and that I can just have my problems and she won’t care. I know that she’s just my mom, and she’s not broken anymore.

“Jessica kissed Kellan,” I sob, feeling like my heart collapsed on itself.

She pulls away from me slightly and pushes my hair back from my face so she can see my eyes, “Who is Kellan?” she asks and then I remember that I haven’t been talking to her the last few days, and that Kellan and I just happened so fast it wasn’t like there was much time to tell her.

“He’s my boyfriend,” I say in a small voice, picking at the bottom of my shirt with the hand that isn’t holding the cigarette.

“Your boyfriend,” She asks, not even trying to hide her surprise.

“Yes mom, I have a boyfriend,” I snap at her before I collapse into sobs again, “Or I did.”

“Oh sweetie,” She says and pulls me close to her, rocking back and forth slightly. I know that we’re in the middle of my front yard, and that my sister is inside being her slutty self, I know that my best friend is sitting at home with a broken heart. But I know that in this instance she’s my mom, and she’s here to make everything better, because that’s what she’s supposed to do.

“I’m sorry for being mad at you,” I tell her quietly after I’ve calmed down again.

“What sweetie?” She asks, pulling away.

I take a deep breath, “I was mad at you for dating Rob, because I thought that it wasn’t fair for you to be in love. I thought you were too old. But I’m sorry that I was mean to you the other day because I didn’t mean it and I think you deserve to be in love because you’re my mom and I love you,” I say in a big rush and I sound like a three year old, but it’s what I wanted to say and I’m proud of myself.

My mom makes little tsking noises and she smiles at me in a way that I’ve never seen her smile before. “Thank you sweetie, that means a lot,” she says in a low voice and I pull her close again just because I’m hurting right now and I need my mom.

She grabs my hands lightly and I know that she’s noticed the cigarette, she gives me a little glare but I’m just praying that she’ll let this one slide. She looks into my eyes and they’re the same color as mine and I know that she forgives me.

“I’m sorry about your sister,” She says to me, and gives me her sympathetic smile she gives to Jessica whenever she is whining to her. “But you have to understand that she’s so delicate.”

“That doesn’t give her an excuse to kiss my boyfriend,” I say starting to feel anger bubble up in me again.

“I’m not saying that it does, but I’m saying you have to consider her side of it,” She says to me and gives me a small smile.

“Why do you have to say things like that?” I complain and rest in my head against her shoulder.

“Because I’m a mom,” She says and I can tell that she’s smiling again.

I know that she can’t make Jessica a better person. I know that she can’t heal broken Becky’s heart and I know that she can’t heal my broken heart. I know she can’t make Kellan come back here and try to win me back. I know she can’t end world hunger.

But right now she’s just being my mom, and while I know she can’t fix anything, she can make it better.

That’s what moms do.