Learning to Love June

My dad has been married five times. My mom was his fourth wife, and when he walked out on us, he had a system; like it was something he’d practiced and rehearsed to hurt us the most. He walked right out the door with the suitcase in hand, the one I had given him for this birthday, and looked back only once. His eyes were stony and cold, dark as night as they walked away.

It’s not that he wasn’t a good father, because he was. He took me to the zoo on weekends, bought me the things mom wouldn’t let me have. He told me that I was pretty, just as pretty as Jessica was. And that was the best compliment. But the day he left us it was like all the happy memories were gone, like he’d forgotten who we were and what we meant to him.

It broke my mom’s heart of course; she stayed in bed for weeks, crying her eyes out. She never told us why he left, but when we got the wedding invitation a few months later we figured it out. I never saw my mom with the same eyes again; it was like she was a whole new person. And when I saw her, I wondered if that would happen to me some day. If someone found someone better to love than just me, and left. I looked at her and wondered how much she loved Dad, and if she would ever get over him.

Everywhere she goes now, she always carries a notebook with her. I tried to see what was written in it once and she slammed it closed, like it was a big secret. Which of course, only made me want to look more, but I can’t, because I don’t want to break the rules. But whenever someone says something you can look over at her and see her scribbling away like her life depends on it. Sometimes she’ll block the entire world out and just write, and it drives me crazy. How can she just lock the world out? How can she just ignore us? How could she let dad just leave like that? Why didn’t she try to stop him?

The one and only time I asked Jessica about it she shot me a sharp look that was cold as ice. “What was she supposed to say, June? He didn’t love her anymore. You can’t make someone love you.”

I thought about that a lot, and wondered if it was the truth or not. It seemed like Jessica was always making people love her, with an extra bounce in her step or a certain way she flipped her hair. Jessica made people love her all the time, so she had to be lying, right?

But the words kept ringing through my mind like a door bell. It became one of the questions I always found myself wondering about, like the square root of pi.

“Can you make someone love you?” I blurt to Becky as we’re walking out the door from school. Everything from the talk with Kellan to Becky’s big secret had been screwing with my head all day, making me blurt out everything on my mind.

She looks at me, taken aback and skeptical, “Why do you ask?”

I shrug, “I’m just wondering.”

She thinks for a second, looking around her eyes locked forward on something I can’t see, “I don’t think so,” She finally says, “But I think you can convince someone that you’re worth loving.”

I look at her, wondering how this all makes sense. Wondering why there are so many different opinions and stories about love out there that I can’t even begin to understand because I’ve never actually been in love.

I think about what she said, about convincing people that you’re worth loving, and think of my mom all alone and scribbling furiously into that notebook and wonder if she just didn’t try hard enough. And then I think about my dad looking back at all of us and know it for sure, that she never tried to convince him of anything, which is why he left us.

“Are you okay?” Becky asks, as I snap out of my train of thought and look at her, “Yeah,” I shrug, “I’m fine.”

She looks unsure but slowly nods and looks to the doors, “So is Jeffery coming home with you guys again today?”

“I have no clue,” I say, looking around for Jessica but not finding her anywhere. I sigh at the idea of having to wait by her car all alone until she arrives.

“Are they going to do some more ‘studying’?” She asks with a raise of her eyebrow.

“I have no clue!” I snap, feeling more down at the fact Jessica actually has someone to ‘study’ with.

Becky looks hurt for a second and her smile falls, “I’m sorry, gosh.”

I look at her and feel horrible again, knowing that I’m possibly the worst best friend ever. “So what was that secret you wanted to tell me?” I ask, just to change the subject.

She turns red and looks around at all the people, “Not here.”

I sigh and nod, putting my arm around her gently, “We’ll hang out this weekend, you can tell me then.”

“Really?” she asks with a smile.

“Yeah, I want to know,” I say, smiling at her and knowing that I made up for snapping at her.

She takes a deep breath and hugs me quickly, “You’re the best June!”

I look at her and grin, “I know.”

Just then I hear someone behind me, and hands reach out to pinch my sides and make me jump, “Shit!” I scream.

“Hey scared-y cat,” Jessica says in a joyful voice.

“Hi Jessica,” I say with a sigh.

“H-hi Jessica,” Becky says, becoming embarrassed and shy even though she sees’s Jessica all the time.

“Hey Becky,” Jessica says with a quick, knowing smile that she gives to everyone.

“Let’s get going!” Jeffery calls a few feet in front of us, waving his hands over his head, Jessica giggles and skips toward him a little, launching herself into his arms and kissing him quickly. I watch them and feel like I’m going to vomit from overt couple-ness.

I give Becky an apologetic look, but she’s not looking at me, and turn to walk away. I walk behind the happy couple and feel like the biggest, and most obnoxious third-wheel in the entire world. I look around for Kellan while trying to look like I’m not looking around for him but don’t see him anywhere and ignore how my heart drops a bit in my chest.

“Where’s Kellan?” I finally ask when I decide that I can’t ignore it anymore.

Jeffery shrugs and doesn’t bother looking over his shoulder, “Don’t know; don’t care.”

I pretend that what he said didn’t sting, but of course he wouldn’t care anyway, so I guess I’m just pretending for myself.

“Maybe he’s already at the car,” Jessica offers, glancing over her shoulder at me quickly, making me smile a bit that she actually acknowledged my presence.

We finally get to Jessica’s car and l look around discreetly, trying not to look like I’m stalking him. But I don’t see him anywhere and my heart falls another thousand feet until it’s completely out of my body and I’m just a hollow shell.

I slide into the car without saying anything so I don’t sound like I have a crush on him. I look forward as Jessica neatly slides the keys into ignition and Jeffery wraps an arm around her, like he just can’t stand to not be touching her for a full two seconds.

“Wait!” I hear a voice call that’s deeper than you would expect it to be and look over my shoulder to see Kellan running to the car. His hair is disheveled and his bag is falling off his shoulder completely and my heart melts a little in my chest.

Jeffery groans and Jessica just laughs, stopping the car and unlocking the door as Kellan hurls himself directly into the car, and into the seat I was in.

“What the hell?” I yell, trying to shove against his back.

“Oh, sorry I didn’t see you,” He says, falling off my lap and into the seat next to me. I ignore how my legs are tingling and how he smelt like grass and vanilla.

“Its fine,” I mumble, turning red from my ears to my toes.

“No it’s not fine; I completely and totally just landed on you. I’m surprised you survived,” He says with a small grin as Jessica starts the car again.

I grin back a little and roll my eyes, turning away so he doesn’t see how badly I’m blushing. Or I don’t say something stupid about how I liked the way he smelt or I liked how he was so close to me.

“So what are you crazy kids up to today?” Kellan asks Jessica and Jeffery with a huge smirk on his face.

Jessica shrugs, and reaches a hand up to rake her fingers through Jeffery’s hair. He grins, and grabs her hand, kissing it quickly, “I don’t know yet, probably just study some more,” Jessica says.

“Sounds riveting,” Kellan says, rolling his eyes and looking at me to pretend like he’s barfing. I choke back a laugh and look out the window again so I can completely ignore him. And pretend like he isn’t that close to me in the car.

When we finally get to my house a few sarcastic remarks later, I’m surprised to see my mom’s car in the driveway. Then I just feel dread build up in the pit of my stomach and shoot a look at Kellan, not wanting him to think that I’m as crazy as my mom is.

“Oh.” Jessica says, frowning a little, “Mom’s home.”

“Yep,” I say with a sigh, getting out of the car quickly and trying to will myself to not freak out.

Jessica catches up with me, shooting me a panicked look and for the first time in years I can tell we’re both thinking the same thing. I shoot her a look that’s supposed to say What should we do? but I don’t know how she interprets it because she just walks faster and opens the door quickly, calling out a quick “Mom?” into the house.

I enter the house right after her and listen for my mom’s reply, but it doesn’t come. I look at her shoes by the door and see another pair right next to them, their big black and chunky, men’s shoes.

I gulp and force myself to get a grip.

“I swear to God if she’s having sex with some guy up there,” Jessica mutters, voicing the thoughts I was having.

“Your mom’s home?” Jeffery asks, concern creasing his brow.

“Yeah, I mean she probably lives here too Jeffery,” Kellan says, patting his brother on the back lightly. And this time I do actually laugh, a small laugh albeit, but a laugh nonetheless.

Kellan hears me and shoot me a quick smile, and I try to think about anything other than his lips, which is more difficult to do than it should be.

“She won’t hear us,” Jessica says to Jeffery, taking his hand and leading him up the steps, just like she did yesterday. I watch them go and feel dread in my stomach again. I’m alone with Kellan again, and this time I can’t stop thinking about his lips.

“So feel like making me a sandwich?” Kellan asks with a smirk.

And then I smack him like we’ve been doing the same routine for years. And it feels like we have.