Learning to Love June

As I’m sitting next to Kellan I feel like a million emotions are running by me in a line. I count them all, I see them all.

Anger, happiness, embarrassment, butterflies, more anger. Every time I feel something, I feel like it’s the first time I’m ever feeling it, and I always notice how Kellan’s hand is so close to mine. I feel like reaching out to him, but I know that I’d scare him away.

Then I feel more anger because I shouldn’t be feelings these things. He’s just Kellan Foster. There is nothing special about him.

Then again, there’s nothing special about me either.

I look at him, and he’s watching some stupid sports game, and I’m sitting next to him. I don’t know why I am, I could leave at any time I wanted to. But I don’t, I just sit here and watch him watching the game. And when its commercials he talks to me. Usually he says something that makes me angry or embarrassed, but sometimes when he says something I feel like he knows exactly what I’m thinking. Like it’s written across my face in big black marker and makes me feel like I’m a stupid little girl who keeps her heart on her sleeve.

He stands up to cheer because someone just made a goal, or touchdown or something and when he sits down his hand bumps into mine. I feel fireworks explode inside me and I wonder if he’s feeling the fireworks too. But he moves his hand away with a quick sorry and an awful thought occurs to me.

What if I’m thinking all these things about Kellan Foster but he’s not thinking anything about me? What if I’m just some silly little girl to him? What if to him, I’m not as good as Jessica?

But the TV flicks to a commercial and Kellan settles back into the couch. He looks at me with his big golden eyes and I look back, wondering if he thinks my eyes are the same color as grass, or if they look more like moss. He opens his mouth to say something and I count the emotions walking by me.

“June! Who is this?” my mom says, she walks into the room and I feel heat rush to my cheeks. Her hair is so messed up it’s obvious she was having sex with that guy. But at least she’s wearing clothes, and I see her notebook tucked into the crook of her arm, instead of open in front of her.

“This is Kellan, he’s Jeffery’s brother,” I say quickly, standing up and hoping to block Kellan’s view of my mom without looking like I’m trying to block his view.

“And Jeffery is?” she asks, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

“Jessica’s boyfriend,” I deadpan, stunned that she doesn’t remember the day she came home all dreamy and obviously in love.

“Oh of course, I remember that,” she says, waving her hand in the air as if waving away the fact she didn’t remember for a second.

“So what are you doing home so early?” I ask, crossing my arms and hoping to turn the questions onto her.

“Oh,” she says, looking caught, “I just had something I had to do with a co-worker, he’s still upstairs getting ready to leave.”

“Okay,” I say even though I know she’s lying to me. And I try not to hurt with the fact she’d actually lie to me. It makes me wonder what other things she’s lied about, if she can just lie so easily. It makes me wonder if she lied to my dad, which is why left us for someone else.

“So it seems like you kids are having fun, I’m just going to go back upstairs and check on Rob,” she says, looking awkward like she’s desperate for an escape. I watch her scurry out of the room and feel so full of shame, knowing that Kellan had to watch that. I wonder if he thinks my family is just so weird, and he never wants to come here again. I wouldn’t blame him.

“What was that about?” Kellan asks as I sit back on the couch, making sure not to touch his hand again.

“Nothing,” I lie, looking down as the emotions all continue to pass in a straight line.

“You sure?” he asks, and I feel the concern in his voice like a blanket you just want to wrap yourself up in.

“I’m sure,” I lie again.

“No you’re not,” he says with a smirk and his hand is on top of mine again. Except this time he put it there on purpose and my whole world lights up and tilts sideways. I feel like my hand is going to burst on fire even though that’s the last thing I want because then he’d stop touching me.

And then I know what I want to do with my life. I want to touch him.

He takes his hand away after a second when I don’t say anything and then it feels so cold.

Then I know what else I want.

I want him to touch me, too.

“It doesn’t really matter if I’m sure or not,” I say, a beat too late. “It’s not like it’s going to matter to anyone.” I don’t know why I’m telling him this, but for some reason it’s spilling out of my mouth like vomit and he sits there and listens. Then I realize that I want to tell him this, because I trust him.

“What do you mean it doesn’t matter?” he asks leaning in, and now all the emotions are flying by so fast they’re creating a hurricane.

“It never does, I’m just a kid, I can’t change what my mom or my sister or anyone else is going to do,” I say, looking down at my hands and trying not to think about the fact he’s so close I can see freckles smattered across his face.

“Who said that?”

“No one had to say it for me to realize it’s true,” I say, sounding stiff and weird, no one ever talks like this. Except for me of course.

“What if it’s not true?” he asks, concern creasing his brow.

“Well would you care if I told you not to do something?” I ask, raising an eyebrow, my whole body buzzing and anticipating his answer, like it’s going to change the world.

He thinks for a second, his eyes far away, but they’re still looking at me. And they really are the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen, and it takes my breath away. I can’t imagine eye more beautiful than Kellan Foster’s.

“Yeah, I would care,” He says in a low voice because we’re so close to each other now. I can feel his breath blowing into my face and the emotions are creating a tornado of whirling colors and feelings.

“Really?” I ask in an uncertain voice.

“Really.”

He leans forward and everything is slowing down, I can see him looking at me in the way that Jessica is always looked at. I can feel everything I’ve ever wanted to feel in a split second. And then his lips touch mine softly and I feel like the entire world has exploded. I close my eyes quickly but before I can kiss him back someone is coming down the stairs and he’s pulled away from me.

It’s Jeffery and Jessica and Jeffery is telling Kellan that they have to leave, but I feel like I’m hearing everything from underwater. Jessica is giving me a weird look and Kellan stands, giving me a quick, knowing smile that makes everything okay again.

I was wrong; there is something special about Kellan Foster.

He likes me.