Live For the Sake Of Living

There was a heavy feeling in my chest and a steady beep filtering through my ears when the fog cleared from my brain. I felt like I had been sleeping for days, stuck in a dreamless world with nothing but a black abyss covering my eyes. Taking a deep breath, the heaviness in my chest increased, making it hard to take a full breath.

Realizing after a moment that I was in a hospital, and that I obviously wasn't dead, I slowly opened my eyes. I expected to be met with an excruciatingly bright light overhead, but when I finally opened them all the way, my eyes adjusted rather well to the dim room. The only light came from a lamp on a table nearby and from what I could see through the window, it was night.

Suddenly my eyes fell upon Brian, as if seeing him for the first time since I had opened my eyes, though my eyes had scanned over him first. He was hunched over in a chair placed to the left of my bed, and I could feel the rather loose grip of his hand in mine, indicating along with the fact that his eyes were closed and his head nodded down that he was asleep. I could see dried black-tinted tear lines from him crying, causing his eyeliner to run, and I wondered briefly how long I had been in the hospital. It could have ranged anywhere from a couple hours, to a day or more, and I had no clue.

"Dad," I whispered, gripping his hand and shaking it a little. He didn't respond, so I called for him a little louder and squeezed his hand harder, hoping I wouldn't startle him.

Twitching, Brian lifted his head, his eyes still clouded with sleep. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I realized that it was just shy of two in the morning.

"Oh God, Charlie, you're awake," my dad said, suddenly sitting more alert, leaning forward in his chair as he held my hand tightly.

"Yeah... How long was I out?" I asked quietly, my throat feeling sore.

"You came out of surgery about six hours ago, and they moved you to this room," Brian answered, and I nodded.

"...I need a drink," I said, hoping that maybe after some cold water, my throat would feel a little better. Brian nodded, grabbing a remote that was attached to the bed by a cord, and pressed a button.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, and I shrugged.

"My chest hurts," I answered, and he let out an ironic sounding laugh.

"It should, you were shot - the bullet shattered a couple ribs when it hit and passed through," Brian said, and then the door to the room opened, a nurse stepping in.

"Nice to see you awake, Charlotte," she said with a pretty smile. "Do you need anything?"

"Water?" I asked hopefully, and she nodded, quickly backing out of the room again.

"...I was so worried that I lost you for good, Charlotte," Brian whispered after a moment, and I looked back at him to see his eyes glossing over.

"I thought I was dead..."

"Well thank God you weren't. Someone heard the gun go off and got there fast enough to call 911 and get you here. He also managed to see that fucking Aryn kid run out of the warehouse directly after the shot went off, and he was able to identify him; that kid's going to be locked up for a long time after his trial goes though..." Brian said, and the nurse entered again with a glass of water, moving a side tray over my lap that was connected to the bed and setting the glass on it.

"Thank you," I said, and the nurse nodded before leaving us alone again. Taking the cool glass in my hands, I took a long drink, feeling the icy liquid coat my throat and slide down, chilling my body from the inside.

"You know, the doc's said that you're lucky to be alive right now," my dad spoke up as I set the glass down on the tray. "They told me after they moved you to this room that if the bullet had gone any farther down, it would have pierced your heart, and if it had gone anymore to the left, it would have burst your lung. It just barely missed one of the arteries in your chest, too."

Nodding, I sat quietly, letting what he had told me sink in. I was probably closer to death this time than I was when I got into that nasty car accident months ago.

It was very upsetting that someone wanted to ruin my life so badly, be it by drugs or by trying to kill me. It hurt to know that someone could be so reckless. Didn't they realize what they were doing to other people, and to themselves?

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek but I didn't bother to wipe it away. I laid back further into the pillow, closing my eyes as I cried.

"Sshh... Charlie, baby, it's alright," I heard Brian coo, and then a kiss was placed on my forehead as he stroked the back of my hand with his thumb, trying to comfort me in any way he could.

"No, it's not alright, Dad," I croaked, opening my eyes and looking at him square in the face. "It's not alright... With everything that's been going on with me - the car crash, the HIV, and now this... It's like I'm not meant to be living, or at least not meant to have a good life. Maybe I should have just died and ended all this bullshit," I mumbled, feeling more tears leak from my eyes.

"Don't say that, Charlotte. If I had lost you, I don' know what I would have done... And don't think you weren't meant to have a good life. If that's how it was supposed to be, you'd still be at home with your mother. She wouldn't have sent you to me, and we never would have met, and we'd never be a family... I think that's all worth something, don't you?" he asked, and I could see the sadness in his eyes over the fact that I just wanted to give up.

Smiling at his words, I nodded, sniffling as I used my free hand to wipe away my tears.

"Where's Mom? And Jackie?" I asked, wondering if they were out in the waiting room so I could see them.

"They were here for awhile after your surgery, waiting for you to wake up, but it got late and I told Michelle to take Jack home and put him to bed."

Nodding, I leaned back and took a deep breath, wincing in pain.

"Just go back to sleep, Char, you need rest. I'll be right here when you wake up."