Live For the Sake Of Living

In a month's time, my ribs were all healed and I was able to go back home. The doctors told me to rest as much as possible, so going to school was out of the question for the first few weeks home. I had gotten all caught up with the back work and my grades were actually really good, considering I couldn't very well go into school.

Brian and I talked it over about the situation with my mother and the adoption papers. We would both go down to my old home and talk to her, but I told Brian I needed to speak with her alone; it was something I just needed to do. I needed to tell her how miserable she made me, how I was glad she wanted to get rid of me and hand me over to Brian. Her decision made my life better than it ever could have been before.

Brian pulled up in the driveway of the house I used to call home. He parked the car and shut it off, looking at me expectantly. "You sure you wanna go in alone first?" he asked. I nodded.

"If it sounds like things are getting too out-of-hand I want you to come in. Other than that, I'll come and get you, okay?"

Brian nodded and I opened the door, hobbling out with my leg in a cast, and I pulled my crutches out after. I made my way up to the door and knocked, stepping back to look at the house. It was more run down than I remembered it; the house had always been immaculate when I was living there. Now, some of the side boards were loose and some were bearing chipped paint. An upstairs window had a large crack through the glass. The bushes were overgrown, as was the grass. My mother really let the place go.

I waited a few moments before knocking again. No one was answering the door, but I could tell that her car was in the garage from where I was standing. I decided after a few more minutes of waiting to just go right in. If she was home, It'd be a surprise for her, if she wasn't then I would have to hold off this visit for another time.

The inside of the house was silent. Silent and dirty, like it hadn't been cleaned or even lived in since I was last there. It was like my mother deserted the place. I walked my way from the front entrance, through the kitchen, and into the living room. Cans and bottles of alcohol littered the coffee table, and my mother was laid down on the couch, appearing to be passed out. She looked a total wreck. I sighed and walked closer and I saw her take a breath, her eyes opening as if she heard me coming.

"Charlotte?" he said in a groggy voice as she attempted to sit up. I stopped dead in my tracks. "Charlotte, is that you?" she asked again.

I cleared my throat. "Y-yes," I stuttered. As my mother opened her eyes more I saw she was actually sober. "What have you done?" I whispered to no one. I looked around again and spotted some familiar things on the coffee table that I had overlooked before. An empty syringe. A small bag of white powder. My mother had turned into a druggie. I swallowed hard.

"Sweetie, I've missed you," she said, holding her arms out to me. I didn't take a step closer. Instead, I reached into my pocket as I adjusted my crutches and pulled out the adoption papers.

"I'm not here for small talk," I said, resting the papers on the table before her.

"Charlotte, sweetie, what happened to you?" she asked, seeing my crutches and encased leg.

"I I had an accident," I said. She looked down at the papers.

"What are these for?" she asked as she peered at them.

"Tell me something, Meredith. Did you know all along that Brian wasn't really my father?" I asked, tears threatening to haze my vision.

She looked at me blankly for a moment and then hung her head in shame. "...Yes."

"Why..." I croaked. "Why did you do that to me? Why did you make me believe that for so long?"

"Because when I was pregnant with you, I didn't know what to do. Your real father... I didn't know how he would take the news. So I told Brian instead, and I couldn't very well tell him it wasn't his child, so I couldn't change the story once you were born," she explained, sitting up straight and looking me in the eyes. "I'm sorry."

I stood there, silent. "So you know who my dad really is?" I asked after a long pause. She nodded. I almost asked who it was but then realized I was too scared to know, and that I didn't need to know. I had Brian already and he was more than enough. So instead I cleared my throat. "I need you to sign those because I'm not eighteen. Brian wants to keep me."

"No... I'm not giving you up."

I looked at her incredulously. "Excuse me?! You kicked me out of the house, and you expect me to come back? You know, you are such a hypocrite! You disowned me because I did drugs, and look at you now, Ma! Look at the shit you've become! You wanna tell me that there's no difference between what you did and what I did?! It's the same fucking thing; I did the same things you're doing! Why'd you do it? Why drugs?" I asked, shouting at her.

"I was just so... so lonely when you were gone. I didn't realize how big of a mistake I had made. That's why I don't want to hand you over. You're mine; I dont' have to let you go. And I - I have a confession to make..." She paused, and I waited for her to continue. "I've... always been on drugs."

I looked at her in disbelief. "But... how?" I asked; I was utterly baffled.

"I had a big problem with it when I was younger, and I never really quit it. The only time I wasn't on drugs was from the time I learned I was pregnant with you til you were about six months old. I hid it from you. Thats why I never let you come up to my room. You remember that?"

"Yes. And I must thank you for thinking of my own well-being," I added sarcastically. "But I still got your damn addictions. But unlike you, I had someone to help me out. You have no one. No one cares about you," I snapped. I felt so bitter towards her; she lied to me my entire life. How else was I supposed to feel toward her?

"I'm still not signing these papers. You're staying here with me. I need you more than Brian does... He has his own family. You're all I've got left Charlotte."

This made me angry. "If you needed me so damn back, why the hell did you throw me out on my ass!? FUCK!" I screamed at her, letting my rage get the best of me. I took one of my wooden crutches and slammed it down onto the table, snapping the crutch in half and scattering the junk.

I heard the front door open and then Brian was coming in behind me. "You okay Charlie?" he asked. I breathed in deep a couple times to try and control myself.

"Yeah. Now you can deal with this whore. She knew all along that you weren't my father. Go bite her head off for me," I said, sitting down on a chair.

"What!?" Brian yelled, turning to my mother. She was wide awake now. "Is that true?" All she did was nod her head. "You stupid fucking whore! How could you do that to me!? I mean... God, I knew you were fucked up, but I didn't think you would pull that shit. What was it?" Brian yelled, standing in front of her. I don't think I'd ever seen him so angry.

"I'm not telling you who it is."

"Why, because you're a whore and you don't know who it is?"

"No, because it'll ruin you to know Brian. It'd ruin both of you, I know it would!" my mother snapped back at him.

Brian sighed, a sick smile on his face. "I can't believe you Mer... You're such a worthless piece of shit. I wanna know, right now, who the fuck it is."

"I told you, I'm not telling you. No one will ever know about what took place between us except me and him, and I know he would never tell," my mother sighed, putting her face in her hands.

"Just sign the papers, Meredith," he said, returning to his normal tone.

"No."

Brian sighed in annoyance. "Come on, Char. We'll wait til you're eighteen and then you can do it yourself," he said, and turned to walk back to the kitchen. I got up and followed him, until my mother called out.

"I need you here Charlotte... I - I'm dying."

I stopped dead in my tracks. I didn't know how to feel from that. I turned to her. "From what?"

She paused a moment before looking up at me. "HIV..."

"My God..." Brian breathed out, and I saw him put his face in his hands.

I closed my eyes tight. "Did you get it from my dad?" I asked, figuring she did.

"No, I had it before then..."

"And you knew... you knew the entire time didn't you? And you still went around and fucked me and god knows who else... You could have just ruined my entire family. You already passed it on to Charlie... I swear to God if you gave it to me and the rest of my family has it... I will come here and I will kill you," Brian growled through gritted teeth, pointing at my mother.

She looked at me, shocked. "You... you have HIV?"

"Yes, no thanks to you."

"I - I'm so sorry Charlotte... I-"

"Save it. You're going to die alone. You left me, now I'm moving on, and I'm leaving you. It's over," I said, and she looked at me with tears in her eyes. I turned away, Brian was waiting for me by the doorway, and we both walked out.

As soon as I was outside, a wave of emotions ran over me and I didn't know why I started crying, and I stopped hobbling down the front walk. "Charlotte?" Brian asked and he looked at me. "Hey, what's up?" he said, walking over and placing his hands on my shoulders.

"I... I can't believe I just said that to her," I sobbed. "She's dying, and I said that to her."

"Shh..." Brian said, pulling me into a hug. "It's alright. It was just something you had to do. There was nothing you could have done for her now, even if you'd stayed," he cooed, rocking me gently back and forth. "Now I'm gonna have to make an appointment... see if I'm infected, cuz if I am, Michelle probably has it, and Jack would too."

"I'm so sorry Brian."

"Shh... It's not your fault... None of this is your fault."

I sniffled and nodded, jerking away when the door opened unexpectedly. My mother was standing there.

"Wait... I'll sign the papers," she whispered. Brian nodded and pulled the adoption forms from his pocket, taking them over to her, where she stood waiting with a pen in hand. "I hope this helps you become a better person than I ever was."

I nodded, not knowing how to react to that, and she finished signing, handing the papers back to Brian. We went to thec car, and my mother stood on the lawn as we drove away. I didn't look back.