All We Are Is Bullets...

Every band needs a support act, and the lead singer of ours was busily canoodling with his girlfriend when we came in from the balcony. Flopped comfortably on a table in the hallway, with her legs around him, the pair of them were completely oblivious to the world as they went about their business. Gerard shook his head and tutted when he saw them.

"This looks like work, Andrea."

The hastily raised middle finger he received by return was a more than adequate response.

"Feck off! Just because I called you hot once does not give you carte blanche to boss me around. Besides, Schechter is out there...somewhere...doing something...EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

Andrea drifted into incoherence as Jimmy decided to unashamedly lick her cheek. She pushed him away, a look of disgust adorning her face, and scolded him in no uncertain terms.

"I have told you repeatedly not to do that."

"You let your guard down."

She waved her finger in front of his face, leaning in ever closer until her lips met his, and then hopped down off the table after a quick kiss. Before she could take two steps away however, he grabbed her from behind and wrapped her up in his arms, kissing her vigorously on the cheek. She squirmed her way out, feigning indignancy, but couldn't resist winking slyly at him. I chuckled as I watched this scene unfold. I loved Andrea. We had a lot of history together, and the almost childlike joy with which she and Jimmy embraced each other was something I missed whole heartedly.

"Off to work now, Monsieur Way," she said with a little curtesy as she passed us by. "Rach, I have your gear all ready to be moved into position when that...urchin...is done. You all set?"

I nodded appreciatively. "The guys are just putting themselves together."

"Sound so."

"Hey wait a minute!" Jimmy suddenly exclaimed. "If I'm an urchin, that means I need adopting! Wait, take me with you!"

"Jimmy, for the love of fuck will you ever act your age? Jimmy! Aaah!"

Andrea's cries faded into the distance as Jimmy ran after her and the two of them disappeared round the corner. I giggled discreetly to myself. I was still aching inside to be able to love that openly and easily again. I'd been wondering if I would ever find someone that I cared about that much again, someone I could connect with so wholly and deeply. Yet clearly, as I cast my eyes to my left to see Gerard punching a text message into his phone, I had had someone all along. I still couldn't believe our embrace out on the balcony had happened. It seemed too surreal, too beautiful to be wholesome. I hadn't just imagined the whole thing...no, of course not. The brilliant red marks, still clearly visible on his lips and cheek, told me otherwise. But why wasn't I feeling anything? As captivated as I had been, there was something missing from that kiss. Something elusive and niggling. Feeling. I may have been carried away momentarily but I had remained more or less numb. That's why it was so hard to believe it had happened. I felt more like I was straying into a dream than actually doing something.

Uh oh. Maybe my problems went deeper than I anticipated. If I hadn't felt anything when Gerard-of all people-was kissing me...was there anything inside at all? Could I still feel? I panicked. I started breathing deeply and looking Gee desperately up and down, wanting him to say something to prove I wasn't lost in a beautiful unreality. It's odd really. No matter how many times I tell myself I've moved on, I've become far enough removed from my old self to open my heart again, I still feel like I'm ever swimming in uncharted waters.

Feeling my way through dense fog in an evanescent realm. No pun intended.

This was too damn hard. It was unbearable. The wall of nothingness was harder to take than any wave of emotion. It was rock hard and stone cold. It was heavy, vast, blank, and crushing. A black canvas that could not be torn. Why was life so hard for me?

Help me!

"Rach...Rachel!"
I must have looked a lot more distressed than I realised, because Gerard was grabbing my hands and trying to catch my line of sight. I was staring into the distance, not focusing on any one thing for definite. I tore my eyes away from the radiator I'd been gazing at and looked back at Gerard. His large hazel eyes were full of concern and dismay.

"Rachel!" he cried again. "What's wrong?"

"What?"

"Something's wrong. What's up?"

"What?"

"You've gone pale as a sheet, you're breathing like you've just run a marathon, and your hands are all sweaty. Tell me what's bothering you."

I didn't say anything, but looked away from him again. My heart was pounding and a maze of thoughts were crashing unsteadily through my mind. Without realising, I started trembling. My legs were shaking. I felt dizzy and unbalanced, like I was going to collapse at any moment.

"RACHEL!" Gerard actually yelled at me. "What are you feeling?"

That hit me, and I managed to stand up straight again.

"What am I feeling?"

I forced the words out, the whispering tone in which they were delivered deceptive to how difficult they proved. "I'm not feeling anything, Gerard. That's the problem."

"What?" he asked, his voice lowering.

"I don't know. I can't do this yet. I just...I saw everything happening to me all over again and I can't take this. It's too much."

"Saw what happening? ...Phil?"

I nodded, a lump rising in my throat and confiscating my speech. I managed to look Gerard right in the eye and clutch his cheek with one hand before I ran away.