All We Are Is Bullets...
"You have such oceans within"
I noticed Gerard step out of the backstage door and immediately jumped up off the monitor. Andrea, who was wildly extoling her boyfriend as he finished up MSI's set with an a-capella performance of There's No Business Like Show Business, started a little and took my arm.
"Are you OK pumpkin?"
"Yeah, I'm just going to go rally the troops and run over the setlist with the guys."
"Are you sure? You look a little flustered."
"No, I'm fine. I need to do some quick warming up too. Make sure there's plenty of water bottles on the stage tonight, will you?"
"Sure."
I smiled at her and walked over to the door, giving a quick thumbs up to Lyn Z, Kitty, and Steve as they came down the steps, leaving their lead singer to lap up the limelight. I had my head down as I approached the exit, hoping Gerard wouldn't attempt to talk to me. Fat chance. He stepped right in front of me and leaned down into my face.
"Are you alright under there?"
"I am so utterly sick of people asking me that. I'm FINE."
Taken aback, he stood aside and let me go by. My heart winced a little. I didn't want to be mean to him. I didn't want to be unpleasant or snappy around anyone, but I couldn't help it. I was returning to self-defence mode for the night, which meant withdrawing from the world and hiding behind a vacant shell. It had always protected me when Phil's fist was making it's sorry way toward me, and it was the only way I knew how to cope with any uncertainty or nerves any more. Escape the feeling, so it can't consume you.
If only there was something there to feel.
If I can't feel
I'm not mine
I'm not real.
I noticed Lyn Z come over to Gerard as I walked through the door, and paused momentarily to look at the two of them. There was definitely chemistry there. Gee seemed to be delighted to see her, his face lighting up at the mere sight of her, and giving her a tight hug to say hello. This was interesting. I'd been keeping an eye on their progress (OK, Andrea had been and informing me. In her infinite wisdom.) since the Projekt Revolution tour during the summer, when they met properly for the first time in about four years. MCR had supported MSI on one occasion, way back when, and the boys had been intent on returning the favour during this tour. The bands had always gotten along well, and actually been in quite regular contact, so it was a mystery to me how I had managed to overlook the clear spark between Gerard and Lyn Z until now. I suppose the presence of her then significant other and Kat, coupled with my being so completely removed from my surrounds most of the time, would have contributed to this ignorance. But that didn't matter now-when both of them were free and single and clearly very much interested in each other. I paused as Gerard leaned in to whisper something in Lyn Z's ear, leading her to giggle and blush like a schoolgirl.
Nothing.
Still entirely vacant, I didn't feel anything. In my head there were a variety of conflicting emotions, anxiety, dread, and yes, envy, among them. I felt like I should be more concerned about this budding development. Even when Kat came into the picture, I had felt ridiculously jealous. Not because I thought anything would happen between me and Gee at the time, but because the whole time I had known him, he'd only had eyes for one girl. And that girl was me. So to see him lusting after anyone else was very strange. I wasn't certain what kind of reaction it should provoke, but at that moment I found myself wishing it would just provoke one. I still felt nothing. My eyes had narrowed into little slits and I probably looked really pissed off at the time, but my tummy was hollow.
This was getting ridiculous. Why was I so desensitised to my very surrounds? Watching the man I loved drawing so close to another woman should have jolted me back to my senses. But there was nothing...
Unless I didn't love him.
No-that was silly. Of course I did. Why else would I be feeling the way I did?
A shrill voice raised itself inside me. Feeling what exactly?
I paused for thought, opening my mouth as if to say something when I realised that I was still wholly consumed by my own thoughts. No one was around me. The shutter of a camera clicked nearby and startled me, and I turned to see a fan waving wildly at me. I managed to muster a little smile and wave back before looking back at Gerard and Lyn Z.
SHIT.
They were both looking over at me with concerned expressions on their faces. I raised my eyebrows, turned on my heel, and fled the arena.
I wasn't in the mood to deal with their budding romance right now. I was too confused. Gerard had kissed me barely an hour earlier, yet he was now laughing and chatting away to someone else. My reaction had been weird, I acknowledge that, and I had been quite bitchy to him when he came into the arena after MSI's set, but...
Urgh. I wasn't in the mood for thought. I slammed the door to the dressing room and quickly started doing some scales to warm up. Hurrah, my voice sounded atrocious. The first leg of our UK tour-our first proper UK tour ever-and I was going to cock it up. Rather magnificently too, judging by the sound of the strain in my voice. It was hoarse and weak, practically croaking the notes. I'd get to cackle my way through the songs tonight. After about 10 minutes of frog-like screeching, I gave up, collapsing with my head in my hands on the couch. So many faces, so many images, so many memories. So many repressed emotions. I felt like my head was going to explode, and yet all I actually felt like doing was laughing, as I pictured the photo that fan had taken. Rachel Lee watching her ex-boyfriend snuggle up to another woman, looking spectacularly pissed off. Oh how the message boards would explode at that one. EvBoards was already awash with rumours about myself and Gee's "close behaviour" during the European leg of the tour, not to mention the scandal flying around ImNotOkay.net. The latter board-as strange as it sounded-I actually wanted on my side more so than any of our own forums. They were the most loyal and dedicated bunch, and I had often borrowed from their faith in My Chemical Romance. Plus, they'd always seemed to like me-and at a time when your self-esteem has ebbed so low as to be a mere myth in your memory, even a kindly typo from a faceless stranger is comfort.
A knock sounded loudly on the door, stirring me. I stood up with a deep sigh, casting a glimpse at myself in the mirror. I looked like complete shit. Worn out, scarred, broken. Certainly in no condition to walk onto a stage. I could see all the headlines already, floating through my head clear as daylight. Exhausted Evanescence vocalist can't even conjure a voice in lacklustre performance. Shadow of her former self. Fans confess to feeling let down at shambolic show.
Something inside me snapped. Suddenly besieged by vitriolic anger, I seized the closest thing to hand-a lamp-and threw it straight out the window. Then, turning to see myself in the mirror again, I took up a vase of flowers and smashed them into the mirror with an ear-piercing shriek.
"Stop doing this to me!"
"RACHEL!!!"
I turned, breathing heavily with rage and effort, to see Lyn Z standing at the door.
Bollocks.
Her face was caught somewhere between concern and fear. Yes, genuine fear. I swallowed, calming my heaving chest, and looked away from her momentarily, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. I looked down at my hands-blood was dripping from my right one, as I saw that I'd managed to gash my palm quite deeply. Marvellous. Now I wouldn't even be able to hold the mic tonight. The drops tumbled their way to the ground, landing on a spot of white. I squinted, trying to make out what it was. A card of some form, that had clearly been attached to the flowers. I leaned down and read it:
Hey Rachekins,
Just wanted to say best of luck on the tour. I know how important it is to you so
I thought I'd give you an [admittedly very lame] gift to wish you well! I'll put
something nicer together for you once I have some time to dig out my
paintbrushes.I wanna say thank you for bringing us along too! It means a lot to
me to be here, and I hope myself and the gang can do you proud!
Lyn Z xxx
Oh no.
I look at the various shattered debris that had been the vase, to see a beautiful assorted bouquet of flowers. Everything I loved was in it-orchids, lilies, even an artifical black rose. OH NO!
My face genuinely touched, I looked up at her to see her hand covering her mouth.
"Well, I thought you might have a problem with me, but I didn't think it was this bad. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come. I just wanted to say good luck out there, and...yeah."
She shook her head and walked away.
I stood up, looked down at my bleeding hand, and wept.
"Are you OK pumpkin?"
"Yeah, I'm just going to go rally the troops and run over the setlist with the guys."
"Are you sure? You look a little flustered."
"No, I'm fine. I need to do some quick warming up too. Make sure there's plenty of water bottles on the stage tonight, will you?"
"Sure."
I smiled at her and walked over to the door, giving a quick thumbs up to Lyn Z, Kitty, and Steve as they came down the steps, leaving their lead singer to lap up the limelight. I had my head down as I approached the exit, hoping Gerard wouldn't attempt to talk to me. Fat chance. He stepped right in front of me and leaned down into my face.
"Are you alright under there?"
"I am so utterly sick of people asking me that. I'm FINE."
Taken aback, he stood aside and let me go by. My heart winced a little. I didn't want to be mean to him. I didn't want to be unpleasant or snappy around anyone, but I couldn't help it. I was returning to self-defence mode for the night, which meant withdrawing from the world and hiding behind a vacant shell. It had always protected me when Phil's fist was making it's sorry way toward me, and it was the only way I knew how to cope with any uncertainty or nerves any more. Escape the feeling, so it can't consume you.
If only there was something there to feel.
If I can't feel
I'm not mine
I'm not real.
I noticed Lyn Z come over to Gerard as I walked through the door, and paused momentarily to look at the two of them. There was definitely chemistry there. Gee seemed to be delighted to see her, his face lighting up at the mere sight of her, and giving her a tight hug to say hello. This was interesting. I'd been keeping an eye on their progress (OK, Andrea had been and informing me. In her infinite wisdom.) since the Projekt Revolution tour during the summer, when they met properly for the first time in about four years. MCR had supported MSI on one occasion, way back when, and the boys had been intent on returning the favour during this tour. The bands had always gotten along well, and actually been in quite regular contact, so it was a mystery to me how I had managed to overlook the clear spark between Gerard and Lyn Z until now. I suppose the presence of her then significant other and Kat, coupled with my being so completely removed from my surrounds most of the time, would have contributed to this ignorance. But that didn't matter now-when both of them were free and single and clearly very much interested in each other. I paused as Gerard leaned in to whisper something in Lyn Z's ear, leading her to giggle and blush like a schoolgirl.
Nothing.
Still entirely vacant, I didn't feel anything. In my head there were a variety of conflicting emotions, anxiety, dread, and yes, envy, among them. I felt like I should be more concerned about this budding development. Even when Kat came into the picture, I had felt ridiculously jealous. Not because I thought anything would happen between me and Gee at the time, but because the whole time I had known him, he'd only had eyes for one girl. And that girl was me. So to see him lusting after anyone else was very strange. I wasn't certain what kind of reaction it should provoke, but at that moment I found myself wishing it would just provoke one. I still felt nothing. My eyes had narrowed into little slits and I probably looked really pissed off at the time, but my tummy was hollow.
This was getting ridiculous. Why was I so desensitised to my very surrounds? Watching the man I loved drawing so close to another woman should have jolted me back to my senses. But there was nothing...
Unless I didn't love him.
No-that was silly. Of course I did. Why else would I be feeling the way I did?
A shrill voice raised itself inside me. Feeling what exactly?
I paused for thought, opening my mouth as if to say something when I realised that I was still wholly consumed by my own thoughts. No one was around me. The shutter of a camera clicked nearby and startled me, and I turned to see a fan waving wildly at me. I managed to muster a little smile and wave back before looking back at Gerard and Lyn Z.
SHIT.
They were both looking over at me with concerned expressions on their faces. I raised my eyebrows, turned on my heel, and fled the arena.
I wasn't in the mood to deal with their budding romance right now. I was too confused. Gerard had kissed me barely an hour earlier, yet he was now laughing and chatting away to someone else. My reaction had been weird, I acknowledge that, and I had been quite bitchy to him when he came into the arena after MSI's set, but...
Urgh. I wasn't in the mood for thought. I slammed the door to the dressing room and quickly started doing some scales to warm up. Hurrah, my voice sounded atrocious. The first leg of our UK tour-our first proper UK tour ever-and I was going to cock it up. Rather magnificently too, judging by the sound of the strain in my voice. It was hoarse and weak, practically croaking the notes. I'd get to cackle my way through the songs tonight. After about 10 minutes of frog-like screeching, I gave up, collapsing with my head in my hands on the couch. So many faces, so many images, so many memories. So many repressed emotions. I felt like my head was going to explode, and yet all I actually felt like doing was laughing, as I pictured the photo that fan had taken. Rachel Lee watching her ex-boyfriend snuggle up to another woman, looking spectacularly pissed off. Oh how the message boards would explode at that one. EvBoards was already awash with rumours about myself and Gee's "close behaviour" during the European leg of the tour, not to mention the scandal flying around ImNotOkay.net. The latter board-as strange as it sounded-I actually wanted on my side more so than any of our own forums. They were the most loyal and dedicated bunch, and I had often borrowed from their faith in My Chemical Romance. Plus, they'd always seemed to like me-and at a time when your self-esteem has ebbed so low as to be a mere myth in your memory, even a kindly typo from a faceless stranger is comfort.
A knock sounded loudly on the door, stirring me. I stood up with a deep sigh, casting a glimpse at myself in the mirror. I looked like complete shit. Worn out, scarred, broken. Certainly in no condition to walk onto a stage. I could see all the headlines already, floating through my head clear as daylight. Exhausted Evanescence vocalist can't even conjure a voice in lacklustre performance. Shadow of her former self. Fans confess to feeling let down at shambolic show.
Something inside me snapped. Suddenly besieged by vitriolic anger, I seized the closest thing to hand-a lamp-and threw it straight out the window. Then, turning to see myself in the mirror again, I took up a vase of flowers and smashed them into the mirror with an ear-piercing shriek.
"Stop doing this to me!"
"RACHEL!!!"
I turned, breathing heavily with rage and effort, to see Lyn Z standing at the door.
Bollocks.
Her face was caught somewhere between concern and fear. Yes, genuine fear. I swallowed, calming my heaving chest, and looked away from her momentarily, pushing a strand of hair behind my ear. I looked down at my hands-blood was dripping from my right one, as I saw that I'd managed to gash my palm quite deeply. Marvellous. Now I wouldn't even be able to hold the mic tonight. The drops tumbled their way to the ground, landing on a spot of white. I squinted, trying to make out what it was. A card of some form, that had clearly been attached to the flowers. I leaned down and read it:
Hey Rachekins,
Just wanted to say best of luck on the tour. I know how important it is to you so
I thought I'd give you an [admittedly very lame] gift to wish you well! I'll put
something nicer together for you once I have some time to dig out my
paintbrushes.I wanna say thank you for bringing us along too! It means a lot to
me to be here, and I hope myself and the gang can do you proud!
Lyn Z xxx
Oh no.
I look at the various shattered debris that had been the vase, to see a beautiful assorted bouquet of flowers. Everything I loved was in it-orchids, lilies, even an artifical black rose. OH NO!
My face genuinely touched, I looked up at her to see her hand covering her mouth.
"Well, I thought you might have a problem with me, but I didn't think it was this bad. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come. I just wanted to say good luck out there, and...yeah."
She shook her head and walked away.
I stood up, looked down at my bleeding hand, and wept.