All We Are Is Bullets...

"FIVE MINUTES GUYS!!!"

The roadie was hollering at the guys and I down the hallway leading to the stage in the Aberdeen AECC. It was the next day, and time for the next show. Last night's one had not exactly gone swimmingly, and this time I was ready, willing, and determined to put on a good show. I was a bundle of energy, contrasting entirely with the pathetic excuse for a woman I had been last night. I was wearing a customised purple top emblazoned with "Screw the monkeys AND the ninjas-pirates FTW!!!" - a favourite Ev injoke and the inspiration for my favourite of all our fan forums, PirateNinjaMonkeys.net, along with a rather beautiful purple and black tutu and my trusty knee length Docs. Jumping up and down, stretching, dancing-my behaviour had the guys somewhat unnerved.

"So, you're looking forward to the show?" John asked with more than a little amount of puzzlement.

"Oh s'ea!" I cried. "I'm dying to get out there and show them that the weak little girl singing last night is NOT putting in another appearance."

He put his arm around me and steadied me for a minute.

"We all have bad shows, Rach. Don't worry about it. I thought you were fine last night, just a little...moody."

"I yelled I fucking hate this country at the crowd."

"You didn't intend to aim it into the mic..."

"POSITIONS EVERYONE!"

That was Andrea, in a suitably sing-song voice. She ushered the guys towards the stage and me towards my little "tunnel", which led to the elevated level from which I made my entrance. Patting me on the back, she said gently "Try not to insult the crowd this time OK?"

I made a face at her. "I feel pretty rubbish about that...I e-mailed the webmaster a message to post on our site. Hopefully the ruckus will calm down before we have to go to Sheffield and London..."

"Well, if it doesn't, you'll be back on home soil by the end of the week!"

I nodded and smiled widely to myself. I'd forgotten we were ending the tour in Ireland. Well, Belfast, so not exactly Ireland, but still the island. It made me proud to picture playing in front of my home crowd, and I felt another rush of eager zeal to get out on stage. "OK, let me at them!"

"I'll hit the lights now in a sec, and switch you on. Yell at me when you're in position cos the guys have their instruments and are ready to walk."

"Thank you Andrea."

"Pas de probleme-and good luck! I'll be watching side stage, holler if you need anything. There's plenty of water and the piano's in place too."

"You're an angel."

She winked at me and walked after the guys. I made my way up the steps to my booth and stood there, excited and earnest. It mystified me that Andrea hadn't given me a good scolding yet. I had severely pissed off her best friend, and where Lyn Z had an abominable temper, Andrea had merely a cold drive for vengeance. I was waiting on her to play some sort of trick on me last night-the tension of which may have contributed to the unpleasant outburst-but nothing happened. Maybe I'd get off with a minor beating in a dark alleyway...

The stage lights went out and I jumped into place, calling down to Andrea that I was all set. We had designed our stage rather beautifully for this tour, I must say. The guys stood under a small elevated level which held my piano on one side, and Rocky with the drums on the other. In the centre there was a set of pristine, authentic wire steps decorated with flowers and lace, leading up to a white veil that concealed me from the crowd. A light shone above this to illuminate my silhouette at the very start of the show, before I burst through to rev things up properly. We were using Sweet Sacrifice to open this tour, so that meant singing the whole first verse behind the veil, and stamping through for the chorus. It had gone down a treat last night, and I hoped that tonight I would get a similarly rapturous reponse, but also a fitting salute when we left. Boos aren't fun for anyone.

I heard a buzz in my ear. My mic was on and tuned-which meant we could start whenever I did. I bowed my head, took a deep breath, and put the mic to my lips.

"It's true, we're all a little insane..."

I could already hear the crowd exploding.

"But it's so clear, now that I am unchained..."

The lights burst on in the arena, illuminating the guys, as I raised my voice a little higher.

"Fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time
Fear is only in our minds but it's taking over all the time..."

I clung on to the scale as the pyrotechnics kicked in. The veil was whipped up and the fireworks saluted my entrance with a merry scream. I leapt out onto the stage and landed neatly on the top of the steps.

"You poor sweet innocent thing, dry your eyes! And testify...
You know you live to hate me, don't deny
Sweet sacrifice"

I jumped down the steps during the brief interlude and ran straight to the edge of the stage, seeing nothing but ecstatic faces in front of me, and hearing an applause so monstrous that it damn near knocked me off my feet.

I knew I could always trust the Scots.

"One day, I'm gonna forget your name
And one sweet day you're gonna drown in my lost pain!"

I repeated the bridge and twirled around before launching into the second chorus. My voice was sounding very strong tonight, a far sight from the raspy screech I'd stumbled through the show last night with. We worked our way through the song triumphantly, closing with a brilliant burst of flames from the back of the stage. I threw my head back and waited for the crowd to calm a little and my breathing to return to normal before addressing the audience.

"Well hello Aberdeen..."

Hysteria seized the arena, packed to capacity as with every venue we'd been playing for the last three weeks.

"How you all doing tonight?"

The chorus of calls indicated they were in a very good mood.

"Sounds good to me. Well, allow me to introduce us-we're a little band called Evanescence, and we've come to put on a special show for you tonight. I want to hear you screaming for your lives, and see you leaping into the air like lunatics, and I promise we'll show you a performance the likes of which you've never seen. You interested?"

Hell yeah.

"OK so...without further ado, let us move along. This song is called Going Under."

Wow. I was reminded at every show why this was a crowd favourite.

I loved that song. It was one of my favourites of everything I'd written, because of the power and determination symbolised in the lyrics. I had written most of the words, the resolute final verse of "I won't be broken again!" one of the very first lines that came to me, a few months after I broke up with Gerard. I was just beginning to climb out of the oceans of despair and anguish that had been drowning me since that fateful weekend, and I woke up one morning with a new vision and a potent will inside to realise it. It was kind of strange to sit back and analyse my songs, because every single one up to and including Fallen were almost entirely about Gee, and several of The Open Door compositions had at least a line with a hidden message too. It made me wonder what I would have done had I never met him-he was like my creative muse.

We powered our way through Taking Over Me, Everybody's Fool, and Weight of the World before I took a breather. I ran over to the side of the stage to get some water, as the vocally challenging Call Me When You're Sober was up next. I looked down at the side stage to see who was out in support of us. Neither Lyn Z nor Gerard had been there last night, and both had avoided me for the whole day today. That had made me sad, uneasy, and anxious at various points throughout the journey from Newcastle to Aberdeen, before finally leaving me with a distinct sense of indifference. I knew I was in the wrong and I was humbling myself by laying low around them, but I had to banish those thoughts from my head to put on a good show.

So imagine my surprise when I looked down to see not only Gerard there, and Lyn Z there, but the two of them standing pretty damn close with their hands intertwined. For a moment I actually stopped and stared-whilst they were, luckily, gazing at each other and not me-but I tore my eyes away and instead giggled at Frankie, who was holding up a banner that read: DON'T INSULT THE NATIVES SWEETIE :-) and giving me a big thumbs up. Ray and Mikey were both there too, with Christa and Alicia, all of whom were waving and smiling widely at me. I winked at them, before looking back at Gerard and Lyn Z. They'd caught my gaze again, and I half smiled at them-receiving one in return from Gerard and a very discreet wave from Lyn Z. The joy.

Well, that just ensured I went back out on stage sufficiently riled up to blast the song out perfectly.

The songs seemed to fly by that night, as before we knew it, Lacrymosa's terminal notes were fading gracefully out and it was time for our little break before the encore. Ha-we did a six song encore, when really we should have waited until after our third last one to pause. However, I had been intent on our last three songs being the piano power ballads (as I called them), Lithium, My Immortal, and Bring Me To Life, before our traditional finale brought the house down in the form of Whisper. And, seen as though it was also tradition to play Tourniquet and Imaginary after the break, we settled on a mid-show break as our encore.

I walked down the steps with Rocky, complementing him on his playing and smacking a high five with Will too. Frankie threw a bottle of water at me and hugged me tightly.

"That is one fucking show you're putting on out there tonight!"

I widened my eyes in gratitude, my mouth busy drinking down the water.

"Yeah, you guys are incredible!" Alicia added. "Really making up for last night."

I nodded at her and smiled, taking the bottle away from my lips. "Last night was so utterly pathetic that I had to do something special tonight. Besides, they're Scottish-I love Scottish people, they're wonderful. I would never forgive myself if I let them down."

"But clearly it's alright to let down the English ones, huh?" That none-too-subtle whisper emanated from an obvious source. Everyone around me turned and cast her unappreciative glances. Taken aback-and guilty, cos I knew she was right-I merely sighed and said slowly, "Well I did a lot of things yesterday that I shouldn't have." Lyn Z seemed to acknowledge this, a half smile appearing on her face briefly. I mouthed the words "I'm sorry", though she turned to look at the stage before she could see them.

Gerard in the meantime had taken his hand away from hers and, his face hinting at a switch to peacemaker mode, came over and kissed me on the cheek. The suddenness of this gesture, coupled with the subsequent whisper of "I really need to talk to you later. Come by the room?" nearly knocked the stuffing out of me. I looked up at him in astonishment and managed to nod before Andrea came over and grabbed me.

"Issues with the piano...to say the very least." Distracted and feeling somewhat all over the place, I mumbled something incoherent to him along the lines of "Sure..." and followed her away.

The reason I'd been so astonished?

I'd felt something.