All We Are Is Bullets...

I walked nervously towards Gerard's hotel room later that night. The show was over, everything had gone splendiferously, I'd met some of the fans outside afterwards and been utterly overwhelmed at their well wishes and support. We were staying in a hotel that night-a last minute gesture on Andrea's part after the MCR lady friends staged a sit down protest at the state of the bus. Of course, the former was only too happy to comply-she was her mother's daughter and a total cleaning freak. She would never step willingly onto MCR's bus; her boyfriend's presence on MSI's not the only reason she preferred bunking in with them. After a particularly unpleasant odour erupted in the bus yesterday-the source of which had not yet been determined-she stopped all three buses in the middle of the road, climbed atop our one with a loudspeaker and announced that we were going to be booked into a hotel tonight and SOMEONE was going to clean that bus before we got moving tomorrow. She earned herself a round of applause and several cheers as well as the various swear words and unappreciative honks that are par for the course when one stops three large vehicles in the middle of the road to hold an audience with a tattooed, dreadlocked tour manager. So it goes.

Anyway, she'd found us rather splendid accommodation tonight-a five star hotel not far from the university district of Aberdeen. It was quiet, leafy, scenic...picturesque architecture and quaint little shops keeping me occupied for most of the day. Amy and I had gone shopping for some additions to my tour wardrobe and purchased two skirts and a brand spanking new corset along with the top that had become my PNM one. We'd even bumped into some fans on their way to queue for the gig while having lunch. It was a pleasant day, the jovialities distracting me from the aftertaste awaiting me on the tourbus.

Unsurprisingly however, the memories of it were not distracting me now. I don't know what exactly happened when Gerard kissed me earlier, and said those words to me-but something clicked. It wasn't violent or overpowering, but neither was it a whimper. It was just...there. Whole and tangible, and nudging me firmly for attention. The feeling itself was something I hadn't known in a long time. The feeling caught between desire and excitement, nestled betwixt longing and affection. It had been elusive and niggling, trying vainly to worm it's way back inside, but it hadn't succeeded until then.

Gerard looked into my eyes, the hazel orbs shining full of care and feeling, and I'd known it straight away.

It was love. Hiding away there after all.

I knocked on the door gently, half hoping he wouldn't answer. I wasn't quite sure what to expect from my wayward emotions but after all my years of agony, I didn't waste time anymore. So I knocked again, barely a second later, more determinedly, and was met with a cry of "Coming!" from deep inside. He swung the door open just a few seconds later, a huge smile on his face.

"Hi hot stuff."

"Pervert," I winked and held out my hand for him to kiss it. My teenage feelings had resurged, we may as well relive our old routine. He giggled and obliged, standing back to usher me inside.

"How are you doing? That was a POWERHOUSE performance tonight. Anyone who wrote you off after last night will be eating their words."

"I hope so," I said, jumping onto his bed. The other bed was empty-Ray was sharing with him and he and Christa had gone out somewhere for the night. Gerard came inside after locking the door and sat himself right beside me, making me feel more relaxed instantly. A surge of butterflies had hit me when he opened the door, but nothing as strong as earlier. In a way, I was quite thankful for that-I didn't want to go to pieces in front of him when there was just the two of us. True, he was the one person I could always trust in a weak moment-but I didn't want to collapse and vent a whole pile of mixed up feelings, confusing him even more than myself. I'd be myself and explain everything once I'd figured it out.

I turned to face him, crossing my legs on the bed. He did the same and together we both just gazed at one another for a time. Little smiles sporadically appeared and faded upon our faces. I could tell from the look in his eyes that I wasn't the only one getting flashbacks to ten years earlier. Innocent 20 year olds. So young, so full of dreams, so in love. After a few moments, I sat up a little and caressed his face gently.

"What do you need to talk to me about?"

Gerard smiled and took my cheek in his hand before saying anything. "You are still as beautiful as ever, Rach." He took a deep breath and began. "I have something I need to tell you. It's important, and I don't know how you'll take it, but you need to know. And then, we need to talk about what happened yesterday."

I nodded. I'd seen this coming, and I was prepared.

"Alright." He paused, seemingly searching for the right words to say what came next. He could probably have taken more time, cos in the end he just came out with it. "Rachel, you need to know that...you need to know that Lindsay and I have...history together. As in-we kissed yesterday."

WOW. Wait a minute. I was not prepared for that.

"And not only that-during the summer, we had a lot more than that. We had a physical relationship for nearly three months."

What?!

"I don't want you to say anything until you know the whole story, OK? I'm not playing. I'm not messing either her or you around. But what we had during the summer was pretty intense, and I'd be lying to you if I didn't tell you that there's a very real possibility of it evolving into something else, here and now."

I merely nodded. A camera would have come in handy then and there. I'd pay good money to know what I looked like.

"Alright. You know that I broke up with Eliza in mid-June, just before we headed off on Projekt Revolution, right?"

Right. Eliza the rebound fling, the temporary fiancée. She was supposed to be the mistake.

"Yes."

"Well, after that ended, I was very confused. Mixed up, uncertain...not quite sure what I was feeling. Heading straight off on another tour wasn't exactly helpful, especially after the last one had been so stressful. For the first few days, I was all over the place. I was still reeling emotionally, I suppose. I was really detached onstage and the guys were worried about me, about how it would affect the band amid everything else. I didn't want anything to go wrong, but you were away on the Family Values tour and I didn't have anyone else I could really confide in-you know. The way we do, the way we always have. But when we met up with MSI again, and I met Lindsay...something happened there, Rach. Something serious."

I swallowed hard. I knew I wasn't going to like this.

"I'm not going to lie to you. I was blown away by how beautiful she was. She was the first woman in a long time, so long-since you in the corridor in high school that day-that actually made me stop and gasp. And when she came up to me and introduced herself, I swear to god I nearly fainted on the spot. I was terrified of her, so intimidated by her looks and presence. I stammered my way through our first conversation, but I was so anxious to see her again that I managed to get her to come to the bus later that day. She came over-with Andrea actually-and we went for a walk. We had a nice bonding conversation over art, and arranged to go looking around a gallery the next day. So we did...and we just kept arranging to steal a few minutes together every day until eventually, the tour pitstopped in a hotel for the night and...well. Use your imagination."

My rapidly welling tears did the trick instead.

"We were inseparable for the rest of the tour. I'm sorry, I know I'm torturing you Rach and I hate to make you suffer when you've been through so much. But I want you to understand why my current feelings are so strong."

I nodded and managed to choke back the tears to hear the rest.

"I know Andrea was telling you a few things, but she had it well diluted. Neither Lindsay nor I wanted anyone to know about this, cos we didn't know if it was just a summer thing or not..."

"Why would you feel so strongly over a summer fling?" I whispered. He bit his lip and caressed my wet cheek before continuing.

"But we lay low, and we spent a lot of time together while doing so, and we really connected. It was special, Rach. I'd never felt anything like it before. I would never compare it to what we had anyway cos that was in a class of it's own and I'll never feel that again, but it's as close as I think I'll ever come. I was so taken with her, I can't even describe it. She made me feel so free."

I managed to choke out half a smile. It did sound amazing, if only I knew what amazing felt like anymore.

"But then the tour was over, and I came back home, and you were there. And everything changed."

Gerard sighed and rubbed his eyes before saying the next part.

"Rachel, you have to understand that no one in the whole world can ever, has ever, or will ever mean as much to me as you. I love you so much that I can't even express it to you in words. You were and are my everything and my whole life. So much of what I've done has been for you or with you, and I could never deny it. You're my best friend, and if soulmates exist, you're my soulmate too. No one on this earth or beyond could make me feel what you do."

Awash with emotion, I didn't even attempt to say anything. I merely nodded.

"The problem is though, hot stuff..." He took my hand and looked directly into my eyes. "I don't know what that is anymore. I know it's love, but I don't know what kind of love. I don't know if it's strong enough for us to give our relationship another shot, or if it's a protective kind of love. A feeling that will keep us linked for our whole lives, but not necessarily as lovers. Rach, I adore you. I still find you to be beautiful and irresistible in so many ways. I still have all the feelings of desire and longing around you. But I just don't know if they're...if they're real, or... No, that's the wrong way to put it. I don't know if they're feelings deep enough anymore to commit to a relationship, or the memory of them. When I kissed you, I thought I knew, but..."

"What did you feel?" I asked him suddenly.

"What did I feel?" he repeated.

"Yes...what did you feel?"

He didn't answer for several minutes, searching for words. His face was transfixed with uncertainty and confusion, yet the emotion on it was so intense as to be almost tangible.

"I felt home again," he finally replied.

My heart leapt a little, and the feeling that had hit me earlier reappeared in my tummy.

"I felt like I was where I belonged. And I've never felt that with Lindsay...I feel content with her, overjoyed and comfortable and safe...but the only person who makes me feel like I'm home is you."

"And when you kissed Lindsay yesterday?" I drew a deep breath. I knew this had to be after he'd kissed me.

"It was nothing to you."

Silence descended on the room. We remained, reeling in the soft light, for some time before I broke it this time.

"If it was nothing to you, why do you think you could get back together with her?"

"Because, Rach, I kissed her after I'd kissed you. You don't understand what you do to me. I love you so much that it's actually unbearable at times. So much that it can consume anything else I'm feeling whole, and leave me utterly abject as to what I'm feeling for someone else. This is why I'm fumbling, Rachel. I don't know the way forward. I want to be with you, but you cast me into such disarray that I can't help feeling I should grasp this other chance for happiness. You just don't know what you do to me...you don't know so I'm burning."

He quoted his own lyric from Heaven Help Us, nearly leading me to collapse in tears on the spot. I'd always known that line was for me. I returned one of my own for him.

"And you still have all of me."

He turned to me, his eyes gleaming with tears, and nodded. "Exactly. I've been yours this whole time without having anyone to hold to myself."

"I was always here for you to hold, Gerard!" My voice was louder and more pleading than I'd intended. "I need you more than anything. I don't understand what I make you feel, but if it's even half of what I feel for you, then it's the most beautiful and blissful pit of hell. I can't feel without you, Gerard. I've been empty for four years, and the only person who can make me feel anything at all is you. You hold the key. You've always held the key, and without you I'm nothing. I'm nothing..."

I fell forward, crying so intensely that my body shook with each sob. Gerard caught me and wrapped me up in his arms. He held me tightly, whispering "shhh" gently into my ear and stroking my hair.

Just as he used to. This was how he got me through all the nights. He wrapped me up in his arms, caressed my face and hair, whispered lullabies in my ear and shut out the world. Just he and I, in our own little cocoon. No one to tear us down. So when he pulled my chin carefully upwards toward him and kissed me again, I didn't even pause for thought. I let myself go completely, and soon we were lost to the moment once more. The light was turned out, and we found our way back to one another in the darkness.