Remembering Rae

I went back to my room. Looking out of my window. Looking at that tree, that reminded me of her. I cut our names in it. I hated her for leaving me behind. She committed suicide, without leaving a note, a single letter or even a text. She hadn't talked to me for over 5 weeks, that's when I saw her, hanging there. Every time I thought about it, it cut a little piece off my heart. I wondered what she had done, if I saved her. Would she have tried it again? Or go to a shrink? No one knew why she hang herself. Was it fear? Mental Illness? Sorrow? I knew her in- and outside; yet I had no idea why she did that. She had a good life. At least, as far as I knew she had. I thought back about the time we went to the party. It was sick. She always grinds with chicks, I know it didn't mean a thing to her.. But it did to me. I mean, what did she think I thought? I didn't mind and just laughed and clapped? Even though she has no boobs, she was still gorgeous as hell. I slowly rolled off my bed and sank down onto the floor. I looked at the notebook and pair of scissors that were lying on my desk. I was busy with a project. Named "Project Storm." She told me, she loved watching the lightning when she was little. When she became a teenager, she's gotten scared of them. I was still staring at the scissors. I looked across my room, still filled with photos of me and Rae. Mostly of her only though. That's how much I loved her. I closed my eyes and screamed. You know those movies, when you see quick images of people holding their heads and freaking out? That's what was happening to me. I crashed against the wall and slammed my arms back and forth. I stumbled over my bag and smacked across my desk. I was straight looking at my scissors.

I grabbed them.

I nervously took them in one hand. The pain was craving for relief. I opened them and held them against my pale skin. Was this the moment I was going to give up on myself? The moment I put my life on a whole new level? Maybe, just maybe..

What was I thinking?

I threw them on my bed and started crying. My life is worthless.. She made me this way. I wasn't supposed to be sad, but angry. Angry at her for making my life miserable. Thanks to her, I won't be happy every again, neither could I love again. I heard footsteps and mom and that man walked through my door. 'Since I won't be able to have kids.. We've decided to adopt one.' That man was only 28, and mom was around, 40 I guess. He was young and fresh, she was old and overused. She used to be a whore. She's left that life behind. 'So wait, you've only been together for what, 5 months? And you've already decided to adopt a kid?' He motioned my mom to leave the room, she nodded and closed the door behind her. He walked up to me and held my chin up. 'I know it's really soon. But she wants a family, to be happy.' He winked at me. 'We both know she won't find out what we've done a year ago.. Or would she?'

That's right, he was the first guy I met that was sweet, gentle and caring. At least, that's what I thought. He used me, practically raped me and swore me to never tell Rae. I'll keep it short; I used to slit my wrists, real bad. Only one day, he found that out and I asked him not to tell anyone, because I had to go to an institute to regain health again. I'm not stupid, but that's what they would claim me to be. Anyway, so he swore to never tell.. Under the condition that I would give him a blowjob. But it didn't stay with one time. I broke up with him after he wanted more than a blowjob. You already guess he wanted me to sleep with him. Even though I broke up with him, he still wanted me to do things for him, otherwise he'd tell my mom and even more important, Rae. It would break her.

He, again winked and slowly slit his hand into my pants. 'You're mom is going to the market to get some groceries; so you might want to get shaved already.' With that, he left me with skipping heartbeats and twitching bodyparts. He was sick. A sick man. It was Rae's fault, if she never rode that bike when I was there, outside, we would've never met. Then, she wouldn't have made me fall in love with her. I hate you, Rae. You made me realize, that my life is completely over.