Passenger Seat

I was fifteen when I witnessed my brother cheating on his girlfriend.

Her name was Laney and I really liked her. My brother, Braxton, had been with her for two and a half years before I caught him red-handed. She came over for dinner every Thursday night after she was finished soccer practice. The rest of my family loved her; we were positive she and Braxton were going to get married. She was the nicest person I’d ever met and I always wondered why Braxton would do such a thing. It wasn’t because he was unhappy with her and it wasn’t because she didn’t put out. I, more than anyone else, was certain of the latter because his bedroom was right next to mine.

Laney was so pretty that I found myself feeling envious of her on many occasions. She was tall, thin, and tan. Her hair was long and bright blonde which matched perfectly with her pale green eyes. Her teeth were a shade above white and straight and she’d never had braces. In short, everything that Laney was, I wanted to be. Braxton knew he was lucky.

However, Braxton had a reputation around school. He was three years older than me, so when I was struggling through my freshman year, he was breezing through his last. The entire student body was shocked that’d he had managed to hold a relationship for so long but that wasn’t to say they weren’t jealous. All of the girls hated Braxton because he screwed them all over on multiple occasions. They couldn’t figure out what Laney Conlan had that they didn’t. Laney, however, was quite popular throughout the high school and all of the guys hated my brother because he got her and they’d failed.

I never considered Braxton to be anything extraordinary. All the Carter children looked the same: dark brown hair, honey-colored eyes and naturally tan. I guess it was because I’d seen my brother everyday for fifteen years that I never found him to be particularly interesting because I knew the flaws he hid from the rest of the world. I knew that he farted, clogged the toilet on a weekly basis, kept a bottle of lotion and box of tissues next to his bed at all times, and had competitive belching contests with our younger brother every night at dinner. None of those things really seemed to matter to Laney. They were in love.

They started dating when I was only twelve. I remember this because their anniversary was on my birthday: September 2nd. Laney had been there for me through all of those growing up things I was too scared to talk to my mother about. She taught me how to use tampons, how to shave, and how to talk to a boy without getting that nauseous feeling that comes with having diarrhea. Laney was the older sister I never had.

All of those things combined left me very confused when I found Braxton hooking up with Carly Thomas one day after I came home from school. Braxton had senior release and had already been playing tonsil hockey for a few hours by the time I arrived. I screamed, he screamed, she thought I was his girlfriend and slapped me, and I went off on a tirade. I hated Braxton; I absolutely loathed his existence. I had to watch, silently, as he’d whisper sweet nothings into Laney’s ear the following Thursday night at dinner. I never said anything because he was my brother, and even though I loved Laney like she was my sister, I could never betray him.

I knew he loved her. He always talked about her and went out of his way to do stuff for her. The length of their relationship alone proved he loved her and even though it was a high school romance, I knew it was real. I could see it, feel it even. My mother’s heart would flutter every time she saw them together. My father, who was a retired Marine, even fell in love with Laney -- we all had, except for Braxton’s loyalty, I suppose.

Braxton’s mistakes brought about my own downfalls. Before I witnessed the appalling crime, I was a “good” girl. I was an awkward teenager and didn’t care too much about boys but I really didn’t do anything wrong. After all, my father was a Marine. All he had to do was look at me the wrong way and I’d never mess up again. However, once I saw Braxton lie to Laney’s face day after day, I began questioning things. I came to the conclusion that love wasn’t real. If it was, he wouldn’t have cheated on the one girl he claimed to have loved more than any other.

Laney and Braxton broke up the summer after I caught him. I guess she finally found out what had happened because she stopped coming over. That was the worst. I still didn’t know how to style my hair or what kind of swimsuit to buy that would compliment my skin tone. I missed having her around and I could tell that Braxton, in his own fucked up way, did too.

He wouldn’t come out of his bedroom unless it was to go to the bathroom or to grab a packet of Pop Tarts. I tried talking to him but he wouldn’t budge. A few times I heard him crying and I knew that he regretted what he’d done.

“Open the door, Brax,” I pleaded.

“For what? So you can give me shit about how stupid I am?”

I sighed and rested my forehead against the door of his bedroom. He was stupid, but he was also my brother, and I needed to do something. “I just want to talk to you.”

He opened the door long enough to glare at me and say, “Well I don’t want to fucking talk.” Then he slammed it again.

Eventually, Braxton went off to Arizona State and forgot all about Laney. Well, he claimed to have forgotten her, but I knew better. I knew he couldn’t have loved her so much to just forget she ever existed. I also knew she felt the same way. I had a friend who had a friend who was a good friend of Laney’s. By some screwed up game of telephone, I found out that there was still hope for my brother when it came to winning her over again, yet he was too stubborn to take his chance.

As I said before, Braxton’s mistakes brought about my own downfalls. After witnessing love tear apart the lives of two people I loved, I hated the thought of it. I didn’t want to fall in love and I didn’t want anyone to fall in love with me. Sure, I had boyfriends throughout high school, but they didn’t last. They didn’t last because I made a point to cheat on every one I’d ever had. Why I did this, I don’t know. It was a subconscious doing; I didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late to turn back. Not that I would have anyway.

Once graduation rolled around, I realized the effects of my behavior. I think it’s a dream of every high school graduate that, when their name is called, the entire student body erupts in applause and cheers. That would mean they loved you, that you were popular for some reason and in some way. That didn’t happen for me. I got the obligatory applause, but no one was sad to see me go. The only person who was genuinely upset were my parents and the only female friend I’d ever had: Felicity Howard.

Felicity (Felix for short) could’ve passed as my sister. Not only did we look alike, we acted alike as well. However, there were certain things that Felicity did that I simply would never do. For example, she worked a part-time job as a waitress and spent all of her well earned money on shows. There was a tiny venue in the heart of the city that she absolutely adored. Not to mention all of her friends were in bands. Most of them weren’t any good, but some had potential. The only interaction I had with such bands was when she’d play their demos in her car. After my own car had bit the dust I had no choice but to tag along with her wherever she went.

Felicity was quite popular because she was so bubbly and easy to get along with. Even without being biased, she was definitely the nicest person I’d ever met. She was so sweet it was nearly nauseating. That’s why she had such a problem with me being a whore. (Although I wasn’t really a whore. I didn’t sleep around; I just liked to make out.) She’d lecture me every weekend about the dangers of doing such mean things because karma would get me in the end. I just ignored her.

“We aren’t going to the party,” she said to me as soon as I got in her car the night after graduation.

There’d been several graduation parties going on and, of course, we’d been invited to a slew of them. Whatever parties I wasn’t invited to, Felicity was and vice-versa. Everyone in school knew we came as a pair except when it came to relationships. Since she so commonly disagreed with my decisions, we’d come to a mutual agreement that we wouldn’t interfere with one another’s love lives. Felix was a lot luckier when it came to relationships; she believed in love and happened to adore the idea of it. She didn’t find her prince charming in high school but that didn’t stop her.

However, I stared at her like she’d grown a second head and spoke slowly. “What do you mean we aren’t going to the party?”

“I don’t really feel like partying,” she shrugged.

“Then where are we going?”

“I thought we’d go see Jess’s band.”

“Who’s Jess?”

Felicity rolled her eyes. “You know Jess. We’ve had English with her for the last four years.”

I shook my head and groaned. I didn’t want to go to another one of Felicity’s friends’ shows. I didn’t even like that style of music. I’d grown into a bad habit of listening to music that was released before my parents had even been born. Modern stuff just didn’t rope me in like the oldies did. It was probably the only admirable trait I’d kept from the beginning of my teenage years.

“Whatever,” I grumbled.

“It’s summer, Grayson. You act like this is the only party that’s going to happen.”

“You can’t just change plans without telling anyone.”

“You should be happy we aren’t going to that party. At least you know you won’t wind up pregnant.”

I’d been in the process of sending a text message when Felicity delivered the blow. My head shot up and to the left to stare at her in awe. She’d never been so downright mean to me about my infidelities, but then again, I had cheated on her cousin and she was left to right my wrongs. She’d always been that person for me. I never had to worry about what wrongdoings I did because I knew Felicity would always be behind me mopping them up.

“Fuck you, Felicity,” I snapped.

“Say whatever you want. At least I’m not the school slut.”

“That’s because no one wants you.”

“I’d rather no one want me than to only want me because I’m easy.”

I’d heard enough of her ruthless accusations and attempted to open the door but she’d locked it. I unlocked the door and threw it open. “Have fun at your fucking show.”

For added effect, I slammed the door shut and trudged back into my house. My parents had left that morning to go on another one of my mother’s business trips so I had the house to myself for a solid two weeks. The logical thing to have done would be to throw a party, but that never happened. I didn’t trust my luck (or my younger brother) enough to get away with it and my father wouldn’t hesitate to murder me slowly if he caught wind of me doing so.

It didn’t take long for Felicity to barge into my house and throw open my bedroom door. Refusing to acknowledge her presence, I kicked off my flip-flops and folded my hoodie, setting it on top of my dresser. If there was one thing Felicity hated, it was being ignored and I wasn’t quick to kiss someone’s ass.

“I’m sorry for what I said but you didn’t have to act like that.”

“Awesome,” I smiled sarcastically, “because I’m not sorry.”

“Don’t be like that, Grayson.”

“Get out of my house, Felicity.”

“Just come to the show with me. You’ll have a good time, I promise.”

I sighed. “And if I don’t?”

“And if you don’t we’ll go to every single party this summer.”

I grinned like a madwoman. “Deal.”

The ride to the venue took longer than expected because the rest of the city’s inhabitants didn’t have anything else to do. Usually there were some kids who’d stay at home over the weekend to study or do other things. Now that it was summer, they didn’t have to worry about schoolwork. I didn’t know the crowds that frequented the venue so I didn’t know what to expect. I’d never even gone to a show with Felicity before but she knew everyone and their mother so I wasn’t too worried about anything being awkward.

What I didn’t expect was the large mob of people that were milling around the place when we got there. Smokers, groupies, newbies, show-going professionals -- everyone was there. The venue was in the middle of Scottsdale, which meant kids other than those I went to high school hung around there as well. This made it incredibly awkward for me because I always dated kids from other high schools and cheated on them with kids in my school. It was always much simpler that way.

I paid the obligatory door fee and immediately hit the small bar. I’d gotten a fake ID as an eighteenth birthday gift from Braxton and I took full advantage of it. “Hello,” I grinned at the bartender who, in turn, flashed a smile of his own. “Would you mind terribly making me a pina colada?”

“I’ll have to see some ID first.” I nodded and handed him the plastic card. I didn’t even get nervous anymore. “Thanks, Natalie.”

I grinned and waited for my drink. Once it was slid over to me, I paid for it and made my way into the crowd. Felicity was at the very front, against the stage, singing and dancing like a fool. I had to admit that it was definitely her scene; she looked so comfortable and at home that it was almost contagious. I didn’t know the band on stage but it didn’t really matter because everyone was having such a great time.

Once the band finished their set, Felicity found me and came barreling over. “Are you having fun?”

I nodded. “The alcohol helps.”

“Damn. I should’ve asked your brother to get me an ID too,” she frowned.

“So who are we here to see again?”

“Jess’s band.”

“Like I asked before, who’s Jess?”

Felicity groaned. “Jess Bowen.”

“I still don’t know who you’re talking about.”

“Well, you’ll probably know John then.”

“John who? We went to school with a million Johns.”

“Gomez.” I shook my head. “Wow, you mean you haven’t hooked up with him already?”

“Very funny,” I snapped.

I rolled my eyes at Felicity and decided to get some fresh air. The venue was packed and it was something I wasn’t quite used to. The parties I attended were usually packed as well but they were outside so I didn’t have to worry about suffocating.

The night breeze felt good against my skin and I smiled. Felicity had talked about going to college outside of Arizona (she had her hopes set on UCLA) but I knew I could never leave. Even though the heat was brutal and relentless, it was home, and no other place on the entire planet could take that title.

I was obliviously staring at the stars when someone knocked into me and sent the remainder of my drink tumbling down the front of me.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry,” the person apologized and began looking around frantically for something to clean it up.

“Don’t worry about it,” I laughed. “It’s only my hoodie.”

The person looked up at me and smiled gratefully. They were expecting curse words and name calling but it honestly wasn’t a big deal. “Are you sure?”

I nodded. “I own a washing machine. No hard feelings.”

“I’m Stephen.” He extended his hand and I shook it. It was nice to meet a boy who didn’t know my past. It was just an added bonus that he was undeniably adorable.

“Grayson.”

He raised an eyebrow. “That’s an interesting name. Do you come here a lot? I don’t remember having seen you before.”

“Oh, you’re one of those band dudes,” I teased. “I’m losing my show virginity tonight.”

I heard someone call his name from the loading area and he cursed under his breath. “I guess it’s our time to play, but find me after the show? I want to make up for spilling your drink on you.”

I agreed and, once he was gone, started smiling like a moron. Felicity had found me and looked shocked. I told her the entire story and she began squealing like a small child. She grabbed my hands and began jumping up and down. Apparently she’d had a crush on Stephen for as long as she could remember but he didn’t even know she existed. She kept telling me how lucky I was but I could tell she was jealous. I didn’t want to upset her because I was certain she’d only think I was using him because he was in a band and I’d cheat on him within a few weeks anyway.

I made my way back inside, ordered another drink, and abandoned Felicity’s side to stand at the back of the crowd. I could sense the tension between us and I wasn’t in the mood to fight with her. She had a way of always being right and I’d put up with it for so long because she was the only real friend I’d ever had. I was a complete pushover when it came to Felicity and I’s friendship. Since she was going away to school and I had no idea what I was doing with my life, it didn’t seem logical to keep the ass-kissing going.

I couldn’t help but notice myself dancing along to Stephen’s band. The music was fun and upbeat. The crowd followed suit; the girls were dancing with their friends and the guys were even clapping along. I realized then that Felicity hung out there because it was such a fun place to be. It was full of good vibes and people who just genuinely wanted to have a good time and listen to good music.

Once the set ended, I made my way outside again to get air. I had no idea where I was supposed to find Stephen but I tried to push it to the back of my mind. I wasn’t expecting anything to come out of it. After all, I was just another girl at another show; there was nothing special about me. Even more, he’d never want anything to do with me if he found out about my past.

“I would’ve paid for your drink,” I heard from behind me. Stephen was standing there smiling. He was sweaty and looked exhausted but he was still the most handsome person I’d ever seen.

“Truth be told, I’m not even supposed to be drinking it.”

He laughed. “Ah, you’re a youngin’, huh?”

“I won’t tell if you won’t.”

He smiled. “Did you like the show?”

“You guys are great.”

“Would you wanna get something to eat?” He asked nervously. “It doesn’t have to be tonight or anything, I just don’t want you to think I’m some asshole that goes around spilling drinks on girls-”

“I’d love to,” I interrupted. “And tonight is perfect.”

That was all it took for me to fall head over heels for Stephen. We began spending nearly every single day together, much to Felicity’s displeasure. I’d managed to avoid telling him about my past relationships and he avoided telling me his band was so big they went on cross-country tours. I found that out a week before he was supposed to leave.

“Two months? What am I supposed to do without you for two months?” I whined.

“You’ll be fine, Gray. It’ll go by so quick you won’t even realize I’m gone.”

“Not true,” I pouted. “When I’m with you it’s like all the days just blend together, you know? It’s already July but it feels like I just graduated yesterday.”

Stephen pulled me against his chest and rested his chin on top of my head. “I know. I feel the same way. I’ve been losing track of the days because I’m so caught up on you.”

I tensed and I guess Stephen sensed it because he pulled away from me and gave me a questioning look. I’d never had a genuine interest in a guy who seemed to return my feelings and I’d fallen hard for Stephen. I’d never met anyone like him and I was sure there wasn’t a duplicate of him walking around. Although that would’ve been nice because the duplicate could keep me company while the original was off on tour.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too,” he whispered.

Since we’d met, things between Stephen and I had been strictly platonic. We didn’t hook up, we played mini-golf and went to the movies. We had real conversations about life and the future and we only hugged when he was dropping me off at my house sometime around four in the morning. He’d managed to replace Laney in my parents’ hearts; they absolutely adored him but it was hard not to. I didn’t want to let my insecurities ruin whatever it was that we had going.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

“I think I’m falling for you.”

“I think I already did.”

Stephen smiled at me and pressed his lips to mine. It wasn’t anything over the top or lustful. It was sweet and meaningful which was a first for me. I was sure it was nothing new for Stephen but I was hoping it meant more than others, that I meant a little bit more than girls before me.

A week later, on the nineteenth of July, Stephen asked me to be his girlfriend the day he was scheduled to leave for tour and I accepted. It was the first time I’d ever gone into a relationship with optimism and excitement. I wanted to wake up every morning because I knew Stephen was mine. I was looking forward to spending everyday being his girlfriend. In other relationships, it felt like every day just dragged along because I was so miserable but with Stephen, I lost track of when one day ended and the next began. I was so happy that absolutely nothing could bring me down.

Not even Laney and Braxton, who stole my thunder by getting back together on the same exact day.