I Didn't Believe in God, Until You.
Untitled
There is no mirror quite like the glassy surface of the ocean to reflect upon one's self. As I watched the rippled image of my daughter and I walk hand in hand across the beach, I smiled to myself. Five years ago, no one ever imagined that I would be here, raising the most precious child imaginable. No one ever imagined I would be spending my Saturday afternoons on the beach, as opposed to recovering from a brutal hangover. No one ever imagined I could be anything other than a failure. Thank God, I proved them all wrong, with the help of Madeline.
Every Saturday, Madeline counted on a picnic on the beach. It was a ritual ingrained in the fabric of our lives. That's why when I woke up Saturday morning, instead of crawling back under the covers like most people, I got ready to go to the little grocery store down the block with Madeline to get the ingredients for our beach side feast.
After dressing myself and combing through my bed-head mess of hair, I walked into Madeline's room. The sunlight fell through her sheer curtains and danced across her face, and chased the sleep out of her eyes as she woke to the sound of my footsteps. "Mady girl, are you ready to go shopping?" I asked.
She never answered me with words, but the enthusiasm in her smile as she threw off her covers and scrambled out of bed spoke just as clearly. She put on her favorite outfit, one I only let her wear for Saturday picnics. I implemented this limitation because of the sheer ridiculousness of the outfit: pink, bedazzled cowgirl boots, a white skirt with polka dots plastered throughout the hem, and a "save the polar bears!" t shirt from a zoo trip last year. She was certainly a sight to behold, but her happiness was worth the mild embarrassment.
With bagels in our hands, we began our walk to the grocery store. Madeline jumped in the puddles from last night's rain, and bumped into the occasional stranger, who I quickly had to apologize to. Perhaps I should have scolded her bad manners, but I couldn't bear to take away the amusement she found in something as simple as a puddle. I missed that utterly pure happiness from my childhood, as any adult does. During the darkest period of my life, I longed for that childhood happiness so badly that I did anything, tried any high, to achieve it.
Although I appreciated very little of my past, I can almost appreciate the night I met Madeline's father, for the simple fact that nine months later I was a more dignified and reformed person. He was one of my highs. He was dangerous, I knew that as soon as I saw the darkness within his eyes. We met by chance. While prowling a club, he spilled his beer all over me. Without so much as an apology or even a slight smile, he threw some used napkins at me and asked me to dance. Despite the coldness of his voice, I wanted the attention. I said yes, dazed, and completely oblivious to the little white pill he slipped in my drink.
I remember dancing with him, I remember drinking with him, and I remember the room starting to spin. Everything else that happened that night I have to guess at. I woke up in a strange bed, covered in what I assume was my own vomit. I was naked except for the shame that veiled every single part of me. My insides felt dirty, and I cried. I found some clothes, unsure if they even belonged to me, and left. I told no one, mainly because no one bothered to listen to me anymore. It was at this moment that I realized how pathetic my life had become. I was living in a world without ambition or hope, and had been for quite some time.
That's when Madeline came into my life. At first, I was terrified at the very thought of pregnancy. I clearly had not a single motherly instinct in my body, or the means to care for a child, but something in me changed in those nine months. I developed a purpose to my life. I had a reason to succeed. Someone else, a new, innocent life, would soon depend on me. The feeling of being a mother is at first unsettling, and challenging. For me, that feeling saved my life. Madeline saved my life. Saturday afternoon picnics on the beach saved my life, jumping in puddles saved my life. Silly pink cowgirl boots saved my life.
As Madeline and I walked hand in hand along the beach in our raincoats, I couldn't help but blink back prideful tears and smile. Knowing that she would not understand anything I was saying, I hugged her closely and whispered in her ear "I didn't believe in God, you know, until you." She laughed, kissed my cheek, and ran after the birds along the beach, knowing I would follow her until the end of the world.
Every Saturday, Madeline counted on a picnic on the beach. It was a ritual ingrained in the fabric of our lives. That's why when I woke up Saturday morning, instead of crawling back under the covers like most people, I got ready to go to the little grocery store down the block with Madeline to get the ingredients for our beach side feast.
After dressing myself and combing through my bed-head mess of hair, I walked into Madeline's room. The sunlight fell through her sheer curtains and danced across her face, and chased the sleep out of her eyes as she woke to the sound of my footsteps. "Mady girl, are you ready to go shopping?" I asked.
She never answered me with words, but the enthusiasm in her smile as she threw off her covers and scrambled out of bed spoke just as clearly. She put on her favorite outfit, one I only let her wear for Saturday picnics. I implemented this limitation because of the sheer ridiculousness of the outfit: pink, bedazzled cowgirl boots, a white skirt with polka dots plastered throughout the hem, and a "save the polar bears!" t shirt from a zoo trip last year. She was certainly a sight to behold, but her happiness was worth the mild embarrassment.
With bagels in our hands, we began our walk to the grocery store. Madeline jumped in the puddles from last night's rain, and bumped into the occasional stranger, who I quickly had to apologize to. Perhaps I should have scolded her bad manners, but I couldn't bear to take away the amusement she found in something as simple as a puddle. I missed that utterly pure happiness from my childhood, as any adult does. During the darkest period of my life, I longed for that childhood happiness so badly that I did anything, tried any high, to achieve it.
Although I appreciated very little of my past, I can almost appreciate the night I met Madeline's father, for the simple fact that nine months later I was a more dignified and reformed person. He was one of my highs. He was dangerous, I knew that as soon as I saw the darkness within his eyes. We met by chance. While prowling a club, he spilled his beer all over me. Without so much as an apology or even a slight smile, he threw some used napkins at me and asked me to dance. Despite the coldness of his voice, I wanted the attention. I said yes, dazed, and completely oblivious to the little white pill he slipped in my drink.
I remember dancing with him, I remember drinking with him, and I remember the room starting to spin. Everything else that happened that night I have to guess at. I woke up in a strange bed, covered in what I assume was my own vomit. I was naked except for the shame that veiled every single part of me. My insides felt dirty, and I cried. I found some clothes, unsure if they even belonged to me, and left. I told no one, mainly because no one bothered to listen to me anymore. It was at this moment that I realized how pathetic my life had become. I was living in a world without ambition or hope, and had been for quite some time.
That's when Madeline came into my life. At first, I was terrified at the very thought of pregnancy. I clearly had not a single motherly instinct in my body, or the means to care for a child, but something in me changed in those nine months. I developed a purpose to my life. I had a reason to succeed. Someone else, a new, innocent life, would soon depend on me. The feeling of being a mother is at first unsettling, and challenging. For me, that feeling saved my life. Madeline saved my life. Saturday afternoon picnics on the beach saved my life, jumping in puddles saved my life. Silly pink cowgirl boots saved my life.
As Madeline and I walked hand in hand along the beach in our raincoats, I couldn't help but blink back prideful tears and smile. Knowing that she would not understand anything I was saying, I hugged her closely and whispered in her ear "I didn't believe in God, you know, until you." She laughed, kissed my cheek, and ran after the birds along the beach, knowing I would follow her until the end of the world.