‹ Prequel: Clash
Fifty Ways to Say 'Je T'aime'
cinquante.
#01 – Ring
When Die raised his eyebrow questioningly at the piece of red string that Toshiya had tied around his ring finger, the younger man simply laughed and kissed his forehead, whispering “until I can afford a real one, we’ll have to make do with that.”
#02 – Hero
Toshiya didn’t understand why he was the one who always had to get rid of the spiders, but as long as he was always suitably rewarded for his efforts, he didn’t really mind.
#03 – Memory
Die smiled as he pushed the button on the camera that was focused on his sleeping boyfriend, making the flash go off; then he giggled happily when Toshiya woke up while running away from the shoe aimed at his head and the threats being yelled at him, content in the knowledge that he'd have something nice to look back on.
#04 – Box
Toshiya sighed as he taped up the last cardboard box, looking around the empty room with a feeling of melancholy setting in his stomach, though it was soon replaced by a wave of excitement when he remembered he had a new home now and would finally move in with his guitarist.
#05 – Run
The redhead had no idea what they were running from, making zig-zags through endless flowers, laughing at nothing and everything at the same time, but he didn’t need a reason – when Toshiya grabbed his hand, with a breathless “let’s go”, he left all reason behind.
#06 – Hurricane
While the world was coming to an end, paradise turning to ruin, they hid under the duvet, listening to each other’s breathing, heartbeats, silent moans, to shut out the thunder outside.
#07 – Wings
That costume Toshiya wears is misleading, with delicate white wings protruding from black leather shoulder blades, but he’s anything but angelic and I know that better than anyone.
#08 – Cold
Toshiya felt a shiver run through the sleeping body beside him and smiled, finding the half of the blanket the older man had kicked off somewhere in the night and wrapping it around him again, before holding him closer to share his body heat.
#09 – Red
After they got together, Toshiya's favourite colour changed swiftly from blue to red, as no other colour meant more to him than that one.
#10 – Drink
It was a drink that got them talking, shaken not stirred, the Bond reference making the younger man laugh, making the redhead relax, slipping his arm around the black-haired man’s broad shoulders and finally plucking up the courage to ask him out – hey, if he laughed at his jokes, he had to be interested.
#11 – Midnight
“If you’re gonna have a sneaky midnight feast, Toshiya, try not to get crumbs in the bed.”
#12 – Temptation
Toshiya hated sharing a hotel room with Die, not because they didn't get along or because Die snored (he did snore but Toshiya didn't mind it at all) but because it was too much of a temptation to reach out and grab him, join him in his bed and fuck him senseless - and Die didn't make it any easier, walking around with only a towel on, dripping wet from the shower, giving him that little smirk that killed his brain every time.
#13 – View
Somehow, they'd developed a habit of taking ten minutes out of every evening to watch the sunset together, both of them somehow managing to perch on the narrow windowsill where they had the perfect view of the cityscape beneath them, Die resting his head on Toshiya's shoulder, both of them just sitting in silence to watch the sun disappear.
#14 – Music
Toshiya smiled weakly at the driver of the car in the other lane, elbowing the redhead in the seat next to him in the ribs in an attempt to stop him from dancing to the obnoxious pop bursting from the speakers – all he gained was a dirty look and Die just continued to dance, with increased enthusiasm.
#15 – Silk
Every inch of Die’s body was as soft as the finest silk, from his face right down to his pubic hair and further on to his oh-so-ticklish feet, as if he were made from cream and cotton wool and other soft, smooth, fluffy things and no matter how much Toshiya begged, he would never share his secret.
#16 – Cover
Despite Die’s best efforts to mask how he was really feeling, wearing a wide smile and joking around as if he was the happiest man in the world, the bassist could tell by his hunched shoulders and the way his arms were wrapped around his stomach, that what he really needed was a hug (or several) and a friendly voice to reassure him that he would be okay.
#17 – Promise
When Toshiya woke up after the first night they’d spent together, smiling down at the naked guitarist lounging half on his chest and half on the mattress, the look in the older man’s eyes was a silent promise that this wouldn’t be the last time.
#18 – Dream
Toshiya hated it when Die had nightmares, having to watch him thrash around, moaning and whining in pain and fear before waking up with teary eyes and shallow breaths – but at least he could comfort him, wrapping his arms around him, bringing him back into a lying position and allowing him to nuzzle into his neck until he felt safe enough to go back to sleep.
#19 – Candle
It was one of the nicest, most relaxing things they’d done in a while, having a bath together in the darkened room, the only light coming from flickering tea candles dotted around the edge of the tub, the smell of lavender and strawberries mixing in the air, the stress of touring easing its way out of their muscles and minds.
#20 – Talent
For some reason, Die never thought he was much good at anything, thinking he was inferior to the rest of the band, especially Kaoru – but then, Toshiya reminded him of how much his lips had made him scream the previous night and a little bit of the redhead’s faith returned, along with a blush and a grin.
#21 – Silence
The bassist had been talking for so long that the older man had just switched off, his thoughts so far away from the present and focused on what he wanted to eat later that he didn’t realize Toshiya had fallen silent long ago and was now frowning at him intently and saying in a very annoyed voice “hey, you gonna answer me or what, you old fucker?”
#22 – Journey
“I intend to live for a long time, Die, and travel the world, see everything there is to see and I’d really like you to take that journey with me until we’re old and grey, moaning about everything for no reason whatsoever while rocking in our chairs and knitting jumpers and socks, because I think, with you, it will be the best road trip ever.”
#23 – Fire
Everything about their relationship was fiery; from their arguments to the make up sex that followed, to the kisses that they shared before going to sleep and the competitive way they played video games (or even just Scrabble – the dictionary becoming more and more ripped every time they played, the pieces ending up scattered all over the room as they argued and then made up again right there on the floor) but that fiery passion was what made it all worth it in the end.
#24 – Strength
Die never thought he had much of a backbone, but managing to go up to the younger man and ask him on a date proved that he had a lot more strength than he believed.
#25 – Mask
“Take that fucking thing off,” Toshiya’s voice was shrill with both excitement and intoxication and he waggled his finger in Die’s leather clad face, cackling wildly and wobbling on the table top, “and kiss me.”
#26 – Ice
Despite Toshiya’s shrieks and flailing, Die clung on to him with a vice like grip, his ice cold hands seeking warmth from the skin under the bassist’s shirt.
#27 – Fall
It was funny seeing how uncomfortable the redhead was on the ice, watching him wobble around, making little scared noises every time he nearly fell and when he finally landed flat on his bottom, his face adorably bewildered and confused, Toshiya couldn’t help but laugh.
#28 – Forgotten
The older man sighed as he cleared away the uneaten food, his anniversary dinner gone to waste, Toshiya’s present lying unopened on the table next to the full glass of chardonnay and he slapped himself mentally for being so naïve – after all, it had only been three years – why would Toshiya want to celebrate it?
#29 – Dance
Toshiya loved watching Die dance, both his headphones in, music up full blast, totally unaware of his audience, swinging his hips sexily and mouthing along to the words – he also liked it when the older man finally noticed him standing there and turned as red as his hair before grinning and inviting him to join in.
#30 – Body
It was obvious that Toshiya had the better body, well toned and muscular, perfection at its peak, but Die knew full well he had the better lips, soft, large and perfectly formed and to the bassist, that was far more important.
#31 – Sacred
Toshiya loved the way Die looked at him, the way his eyes caressed every inch of his body, silently worshiping him as if he were some kind of deity and boosting his ego tenfold.
#32 – Farewells
The hardest part of the evening was always deciding when to say goodbye; Die not wanting to seem eager to leave and Toshiya not wanting to seem like he was shoving him out, so tonight they decided there would be no goodnight kiss at the doorway, instead it would take place in the bed.
#33 – World
At opposite ends of the globe, both men look at the sky, one end pitch black and one end clear blue, both thinking about the other and smiling the same smile.
#34 – Formal
Die always thought the younger man looked stunning in a suit, the collar making his elegant neck seem even longer and the shirt hanging on him in a way that just made him want to rip it off immediately – which wasn’t ideal in the middle of a meeting with the management or at a wedding - but there was nothing much he could do about it, except wait and have his revenge back home.
#35 – Fever
The older man felt slightly pathetic, curled up under a thick blanket on the couch, surrounded by endless boxes of tissues and sneezing every five seconds – but when he thought about it, he figured it wasn’t such a bad thing to be sick, what with Toshiya running round after him, making him soup and cookies – yes, he smiled, it wasn’t a bad thing at all.
#36 – Laugh
When asked how he could live with a man with such an annoying, gooselike laugh, Die chuckled and gave his answer with an insinuating wink, “the pros vastly outweigh the cons.”
#37 – Lies
After standing outside in the torrential rain for ten minutes in just his underwear and old black socks, Toshiya vowed never ever to lie to Die again.
#38 – Forever
Die turned to Toshiya over dinner, gave him a sweet little smile and said “You do realize you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life, don’t you?”
#39 – Overwhelmed
When Toshiya asked Die out for the first time, he was expecting one of two reactions; either the man would shut the door in his face or nod, smile and say yes – but he definitely wasn’t expecting Die to faint or to be cradling the unconscious man in his arms and splashing freezing cold water on his face for ten minutes, grumbling something about it being a little bit of an overreaction.
#40 – Whisper
Die loved to whisper random words like ‘sausage’ and ‘Uranus’ in Toshiya’s ear, laughing as he felt the other man squirm in reaction the feeling of the redhead’s breath tickling his neck, his hairs standing on end and annoyed noises coming from his throat telling the older man that he was going to pay for this.
#41 – Wait
I hate it when he’s late, even though he’s always carrying some kind of food to make up for it and proceeding to hug me until I feel like I’m going to burst and then he takes me home to… help get me out of my work clothes… so, I guess it’s true that good things come to those who wait.
#42 – Talk
Both men could talk endlessly, babbling about everything and nothing for hours and hours, tiring their band mates out everyday – but when they were together at home, just the two of them, they calmed down, knowing that actions said more than words could ever say.
#43 – Search
Die had always been unlucky in love, being let down and disappointed time and time again, constantly searching for ‘the one’ and never finding them, but when the new bassist of the band waved and gave a bright, friendly grin, bounding over and squeezing him tightly in a hug that would later grow to be very familiar, he had a feeling his search was about to end – and he couldn’t help but to squeeze back, a matching grin on his face.
#44 – Hope
“When I asked you out, I never really thought you’d say yes… I just kinda hoped with all my heart that you would and well, I guess someone up there does like me after all.”
#45 – Eclipse
For ten minutes, they’d been standing outside, waiting for the sun to hide behind the moon and during the minute of total darkness, Toshiya felt a pair of lips against his own and a feeling of warmth spread all over him, then when the lights were back on, Die was grinning, a light blush lining his cheekbones.
#46 – Gravity
Without gravity, I’d have never kept my feet on the ground, the feeling of love carrying me higher and higher, further away from logic and reasoning than I had ever been before.
#47 – Highway
Toshiya soon learnt that with Die, it was his way or the highway and the older man was so stubborn that he rarely sought to compromise – then Toshiya soon learnt how to get the redhead wrapped around his little finger and as Die lay in his arms, snoring contently, physically exhausted and sweaty, Toshiya mentally patted himself on the back, congratulating himself on a job well done.
#48 – Unknown
Nothing much was certain – neither man knew what would happen tomorrow, where they’d be in ten years, if they would survive Die’s cooking this evening – but they had taken a huge chance by confessing their feelings to each other, now they just had to enjoy the ride, wherever it may lead.
#49 – Lock
“Jeez, Tosh, if you forget to lock your door again, it won’t be me sneaking up on you in the fucking shower, it will be some creepy old fat man with perspiration problems who’s more than eager to get a piece of your delicious, but incredibly dimwitted, arse – so the moral of this story is lock the goddamn door!”
#50 – Breathe
“When I look at you, I forget how to breathe… and quite frankly, it’s getting rather tiresome.”
When Die raised his eyebrow questioningly at the piece of red string that Toshiya had tied around his ring finger, the younger man simply laughed and kissed his forehead, whispering “until I can afford a real one, we’ll have to make do with that.”
#02 – Hero
Toshiya didn’t understand why he was the one who always had to get rid of the spiders, but as long as he was always suitably rewarded for his efforts, he didn’t really mind.
#03 – Memory
Die smiled as he pushed the button on the camera that was focused on his sleeping boyfriend, making the flash go off; then he giggled happily when Toshiya woke up while running away from the shoe aimed at his head and the threats being yelled at him, content in the knowledge that he'd have something nice to look back on.
#04 – Box
Toshiya sighed as he taped up the last cardboard box, looking around the empty room with a feeling of melancholy setting in his stomach, though it was soon replaced by a wave of excitement when he remembered he had a new home now and would finally move in with his guitarist.
#05 – Run
The redhead had no idea what they were running from, making zig-zags through endless flowers, laughing at nothing and everything at the same time, but he didn’t need a reason – when Toshiya grabbed his hand, with a breathless “let’s go”, he left all reason behind.
#06 – Hurricane
While the world was coming to an end, paradise turning to ruin, they hid under the duvet, listening to each other’s breathing, heartbeats, silent moans, to shut out the thunder outside.
#07 – Wings
That costume Toshiya wears is misleading, with delicate white wings protruding from black leather shoulder blades, but he’s anything but angelic and I know that better than anyone.
#08 – Cold
Toshiya felt a shiver run through the sleeping body beside him and smiled, finding the half of the blanket the older man had kicked off somewhere in the night and wrapping it around him again, before holding him closer to share his body heat.
#09 – Red
After they got together, Toshiya's favourite colour changed swiftly from blue to red, as no other colour meant more to him than that one.
#10 – Drink
It was a drink that got them talking, shaken not stirred, the Bond reference making the younger man laugh, making the redhead relax, slipping his arm around the black-haired man’s broad shoulders and finally plucking up the courage to ask him out – hey, if he laughed at his jokes, he had to be interested.
#11 – Midnight
“If you’re gonna have a sneaky midnight feast, Toshiya, try not to get crumbs in the bed.”
#12 – Temptation
Toshiya hated sharing a hotel room with Die, not because they didn't get along or because Die snored (he did snore but Toshiya didn't mind it at all) but because it was too much of a temptation to reach out and grab him, join him in his bed and fuck him senseless - and Die didn't make it any easier, walking around with only a towel on, dripping wet from the shower, giving him that little smirk that killed his brain every time.
#13 – View
Somehow, they'd developed a habit of taking ten minutes out of every evening to watch the sunset together, both of them somehow managing to perch on the narrow windowsill where they had the perfect view of the cityscape beneath them, Die resting his head on Toshiya's shoulder, both of them just sitting in silence to watch the sun disappear.
#14 – Music
Toshiya smiled weakly at the driver of the car in the other lane, elbowing the redhead in the seat next to him in the ribs in an attempt to stop him from dancing to the obnoxious pop bursting from the speakers – all he gained was a dirty look and Die just continued to dance, with increased enthusiasm.
#15 – Silk
Every inch of Die’s body was as soft as the finest silk, from his face right down to his pubic hair and further on to his oh-so-ticklish feet, as if he were made from cream and cotton wool and other soft, smooth, fluffy things and no matter how much Toshiya begged, he would never share his secret.
#16 – Cover
Despite Die’s best efforts to mask how he was really feeling, wearing a wide smile and joking around as if he was the happiest man in the world, the bassist could tell by his hunched shoulders and the way his arms were wrapped around his stomach, that what he really needed was a hug (or several) and a friendly voice to reassure him that he would be okay.
#17 – Promise
When Toshiya woke up after the first night they’d spent together, smiling down at the naked guitarist lounging half on his chest and half on the mattress, the look in the older man’s eyes was a silent promise that this wouldn’t be the last time.
#18 – Dream
Toshiya hated it when Die had nightmares, having to watch him thrash around, moaning and whining in pain and fear before waking up with teary eyes and shallow breaths – but at least he could comfort him, wrapping his arms around him, bringing him back into a lying position and allowing him to nuzzle into his neck until he felt safe enough to go back to sleep.
#19 – Candle
It was one of the nicest, most relaxing things they’d done in a while, having a bath together in the darkened room, the only light coming from flickering tea candles dotted around the edge of the tub, the smell of lavender and strawberries mixing in the air, the stress of touring easing its way out of their muscles and minds.
#20 – Talent
For some reason, Die never thought he was much good at anything, thinking he was inferior to the rest of the band, especially Kaoru – but then, Toshiya reminded him of how much his lips had made him scream the previous night and a little bit of the redhead’s faith returned, along with a blush and a grin.
#21 – Silence
The bassist had been talking for so long that the older man had just switched off, his thoughts so far away from the present and focused on what he wanted to eat later that he didn’t realize Toshiya had fallen silent long ago and was now frowning at him intently and saying in a very annoyed voice “hey, you gonna answer me or what, you old fucker?”
#22 – Journey
“I intend to live for a long time, Die, and travel the world, see everything there is to see and I’d really like you to take that journey with me until we’re old and grey, moaning about everything for no reason whatsoever while rocking in our chairs and knitting jumpers and socks, because I think, with you, it will be the best road trip ever.”
#23 – Fire
Everything about their relationship was fiery; from their arguments to the make up sex that followed, to the kisses that they shared before going to sleep and the competitive way they played video games (or even just Scrabble – the dictionary becoming more and more ripped every time they played, the pieces ending up scattered all over the room as they argued and then made up again right there on the floor) but that fiery passion was what made it all worth it in the end.
#24 – Strength
Die never thought he had much of a backbone, but managing to go up to the younger man and ask him on a date proved that he had a lot more strength than he believed.
#25 – Mask
“Take that fucking thing off,” Toshiya’s voice was shrill with both excitement and intoxication and he waggled his finger in Die’s leather clad face, cackling wildly and wobbling on the table top, “and kiss me.”
#26 – Ice
Despite Toshiya’s shrieks and flailing, Die clung on to him with a vice like grip, his ice cold hands seeking warmth from the skin under the bassist’s shirt.
#27 – Fall
It was funny seeing how uncomfortable the redhead was on the ice, watching him wobble around, making little scared noises every time he nearly fell and when he finally landed flat on his bottom, his face adorably bewildered and confused, Toshiya couldn’t help but laugh.
#28 – Forgotten
The older man sighed as he cleared away the uneaten food, his anniversary dinner gone to waste, Toshiya’s present lying unopened on the table next to the full glass of chardonnay and he slapped himself mentally for being so naïve – after all, it had only been three years – why would Toshiya want to celebrate it?
#29 – Dance
Toshiya loved watching Die dance, both his headphones in, music up full blast, totally unaware of his audience, swinging his hips sexily and mouthing along to the words – he also liked it when the older man finally noticed him standing there and turned as red as his hair before grinning and inviting him to join in.
#30 – Body
It was obvious that Toshiya had the better body, well toned and muscular, perfection at its peak, but Die knew full well he had the better lips, soft, large and perfectly formed and to the bassist, that was far more important.
#31 – Sacred
Toshiya loved the way Die looked at him, the way his eyes caressed every inch of his body, silently worshiping him as if he were some kind of deity and boosting his ego tenfold.
#32 – Farewells
The hardest part of the evening was always deciding when to say goodbye; Die not wanting to seem eager to leave and Toshiya not wanting to seem like he was shoving him out, so tonight they decided there would be no goodnight kiss at the doorway, instead it would take place in the bed.
#33 – World
At opposite ends of the globe, both men look at the sky, one end pitch black and one end clear blue, both thinking about the other and smiling the same smile.
#34 – Formal
Die always thought the younger man looked stunning in a suit, the collar making his elegant neck seem even longer and the shirt hanging on him in a way that just made him want to rip it off immediately – which wasn’t ideal in the middle of a meeting with the management or at a wedding - but there was nothing much he could do about it, except wait and have his revenge back home.
#35 – Fever
The older man felt slightly pathetic, curled up under a thick blanket on the couch, surrounded by endless boxes of tissues and sneezing every five seconds – but when he thought about it, he figured it wasn’t such a bad thing to be sick, what with Toshiya running round after him, making him soup and cookies – yes, he smiled, it wasn’t a bad thing at all.
#36 – Laugh
When asked how he could live with a man with such an annoying, gooselike laugh, Die chuckled and gave his answer with an insinuating wink, “the pros vastly outweigh the cons.”
#37 – Lies
After standing outside in the torrential rain for ten minutes in just his underwear and old black socks, Toshiya vowed never ever to lie to Die again.
#38 – Forever
Die turned to Toshiya over dinner, gave him a sweet little smile and said “You do realize you’re stuck with me for the rest of your life, don’t you?”
#39 – Overwhelmed
When Toshiya asked Die out for the first time, he was expecting one of two reactions; either the man would shut the door in his face or nod, smile and say yes – but he definitely wasn’t expecting Die to faint or to be cradling the unconscious man in his arms and splashing freezing cold water on his face for ten minutes, grumbling something about it being a little bit of an overreaction.
#40 – Whisper
Die loved to whisper random words like ‘sausage’ and ‘Uranus’ in Toshiya’s ear, laughing as he felt the other man squirm in reaction the feeling of the redhead’s breath tickling his neck, his hairs standing on end and annoyed noises coming from his throat telling the older man that he was going to pay for this.
#41 – Wait
I hate it when he’s late, even though he’s always carrying some kind of food to make up for it and proceeding to hug me until I feel like I’m going to burst and then he takes me home to… help get me out of my work clothes… so, I guess it’s true that good things come to those who wait.
#42 – Talk
Both men could talk endlessly, babbling about everything and nothing for hours and hours, tiring their band mates out everyday – but when they were together at home, just the two of them, they calmed down, knowing that actions said more than words could ever say.
#43 – Search
Die had always been unlucky in love, being let down and disappointed time and time again, constantly searching for ‘the one’ and never finding them, but when the new bassist of the band waved and gave a bright, friendly grin, bounding over and squeezing him tightly in a hug that would later grow to be very familiar, he had a feeling his search was about to end – and he couldn’t help but to squeeze back, a matching grin on his face.
#44 – Hope
“When I asked you out, I never really thought you’d say yes… I just kinda hoped with all my heart that you would and well, I guess someone up there does like me after all.”
#45 – Eclipse
For ten minutes, they’d been standing outside, waiting for the sun to hide behind the moon and during the minute of total darkness, Toshiya felt a pair of lips against his own and a feeling of warmth spread all over him, then when the lights were back on, Die was grinning, a light blush lining his cheekbones.
#46 – Gravity
Without gravity, I’d have never kept my feet on the ground, the feeling of love carrying me higher and higher, further away from logic and reasoning than I had ever been before.
#47 – Highway
Toshiya soon learnt that with Die, it was his way or the highway and the older man was so stubborn that he rarely sought to compromise – then Toshiya soon learnt how to get the redhead wrapped around his little finger and as Die lay in his arms, snoring contently, physically exhausted and sweaty, Toshiya mentally patted himself on the back, congratulating himself on a job well done.
#48 – Unknown
Nothing much was certain – neither man knew what would happen tomorrow, where they’d be in ten years, if they would survive Die’s cooking this evening – but they had taken a huge chance by confessing their feelings to each other, now they just had to enjoy the ride, wherever it may lead.
#49 – Lock
“Jeez, Tosh, if you forget to lock your door again, it won’t be me sneaking up on you in the fucking shower, it will be some creepy old fat man with perspiration problems who’s more than eager to get a piece of your delicious, but incredibly dimwitted, arse – so the moral of this story is lock the goddamn door!”
#50 – Breathe
“When I look at you, I forget how to breathe… and quite frankly, it’s getting rather tiresome.”