Listen to My Heart

I sat patiently in my seat at Mariucci arena, my legs curled up to my chest as I watched the players practice on the ice below. My long brunette hair was thrown up in a sloppy bun, glasses on instead of my contacts and I barely had time to brush my teeth before my best friend had texted me to get to the arena. Tony Lucia and I went way back, so far back I could write a whole story about our adventures and craziness, things we probably shouldn't have done, but went for anyway. I was in love with him, and everyone seemed to know it, but him.

I yawned loudly, wrinkling my nose as the Gopher hockey team began yet another drill below. I had been sitting here for the past 15 minutes even though Tony told me practice wasn't supposed to go this late. I checked my phone, sighing when I realized I was definitely not going to class. I unfolded myself, stretching my arms up and moving my torso from left to right, my sweatshirt riding up to expose my belly button ring, something Tony had yelled at me for getting when I was 16. I thought it was quiet comical how he insisted on protecting me from all these factors when if he really wanted to protect me, all he had to do was be my boyfriend.

I watched Tony move around the ice, catching passes and setting up in the offensive zone, ripping a one-timer onto Alex Kangas, smirking when it went in the left side of the net. Tony chirped a response to the goalie who shoved at him jokingly before Tony skated to the bench to grab a squirt of water. He looked across the ice to where I was, giving me a slight head nod before getting back in line. I smiled slightly, shaking my head and wondering what was so important for Tony to tell me.

Part of me knew, but there was the other part of me that just wanted to plug my ears to the voice in my head. I knew about the girl; I knew that he was hanging out with a girl he wasn't supposed to. A Gopher hockey cheerleader. It was kind of fitting that the coaches kid would break such a strict rule, but then again, I probably shouldn't be too surprised by that. Tony always had a thing for breaking the rules whether it was stealing sips from the vodka bottle or charming girls' pants off, he did it.

Don Lucia blew the whistle, pulling me from the high school days where I had to sit and watch Tony flounce around with handfuls of girls, ending practice as Tony held up five fingers to me. I nodded and stood up, heading down to the locker rooms where I had waited for Tony previously. I sat on the bench, stretching out my legs as Don walked by, giving me a bright smile.

"Brianna, how are you liking the U? Boston College looking a little better now that you've had a taste of a different school?" He wondered, speaking of my recent transfer.

"No, I'm definitely liking the U better. More friends and closer to home." I smiled at him. Don Lucia and I always had a good relationship. Maybe it was because our families had always been close, or maybe because, like me, he secretly hoped Tony would fall in love with me.

"That's good. Don't be a stranger. You know how much Joyce enjoys seeing you." He gave me another bright smile before heading down to his office, calling to me that Tony should be out soon. I nodded and pulled out my phone, checking my text messages. There was one from my mom telling me she was making dinner and if I wanted to stop by, there was a chair for me. There was another from my sister, telling me how fat she felt since she was six months pregnant with her first child. I rolled my eyes and put my phone in the pocket ofmy Tony's sweatpants.

Tony emerged from the locker room a few minutes later, dressed in a pair of mesh shorts and a t-shirt since the weather was still relatively warm for early October in Minnesota. I smiled at him as he pulled me into a hug, giving me a friendly kiss on top of the head. I ignored the rush of adrenaline and the immediate surge of disappointment that followed when he released me.

"Where do you want to go eat?" He asked me, running a hand through his dark, damp hair. I wrinkled my nose at him, watching as he rolled his eyes back at me. "Don't tell me what I already know; I need a hair cut." He chuckled quietly, that saying something that he had heard much of over the past 6 years of our friendship.

"It's kinda more lunch time than breakfast." I pointed out, telling him it was 11:30. Plus, he knew I wasn't big on breakfast food.

"Let me guess, Chipotle?" He nudged my arm as I grinned at him, nodding and following him out of the arena, heading across campus to the Chipotle we frequented maybe a little too much.

"How do you like school?" Tony asked me as he dug into his steak burrito, chomping it down as I picking at my bowl politely.

"It's school." I shrugged, taking a bite of the amazing Mexican food, my taste buds bouncing around on my tongue. "But I feel more at home here then in Boston."

"I never wanted you to go out there anyway." Tony smiled at him as I rolled my eyes.

"You couldn't have told me that before I wasted away there for a year?" I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"You wanted to go. I didn't want to stop you." He shrugged.

"I wish you would have said something." I mumbled, pushing my food around in my bowl.

I looked up at him as he studied me over the table, his green eyes burrowing into mine. It was times like these where I wondered how he couldn't read me, how he couldn't see the love in my eyes and the love in my touch. How could he be so blind? I shook my head, wondering why I thought he would get it when I switched schools just to be closer to him. Yeah, Boston College had turned out to not be what I thought it would, but that wasn't what really drove me away. It was the fact that I missed Tony every single day we were apart, and being back home meant the number of days apart were cut down significantly.

"So what do you want to talk about?" I asked him, focusing back on why he had gotten me out of bed earlier than need be.

"Oh. I almost forgot." He smiled sheepishly, shaking his head as he crumpled up the aluminum from his burrito. "You know that girl, Leah?"

"There are a lot of girls named Leah." I told him, tilting an amused eyebrow. He rolled his eyes and reached across the table to flick my ear as I giggled, trying to hide the dread that was creeping into my body.

"The cheerleader, the brunette with the killer body?" He continued to describe the girl I already knew enough about. I saw the way he looked at her; I saw her every time she walked by Tony and I around campus. I saw the look in her eye, the one that told me I already lost a battle I didn't even know I was a part of. I never saw her as a threat; Gopher hockey players weren't supposed to date cheerleaders. But then again, Tony never liked to abide by the rules.

"Yeah, what about her?" I asked, twirling my straw around in my cup.

"I asked her out the other day." He told me, voice soft as my eyes glanced to him briefly before down at the silver table again. I couldn't look at him as the betrayed tears built in my eyes. "I'm really into her, Bri."

Of course you are I thought, you're always into anyone but me.

"So I'm assuming she said yes if you're telling me?" I spoke slowly, keeping control of my voice so it didn't waver with my emotions.

"Yeah." He chuckled, running a hand over his hair. "I'm thinking this could be the real deal."

"Tony, it can't be the real deal. You're not allowed to date a cheerleader." I reminded him, hoping that would reel him in and make him shut his mouth and body to the things he was feeling for this girl.

"Oh Bri, what the coach doesn't know won't hurt him." He winked at me across the table, that sick smirk playing onto his lips and making a whole new wave of dread wash over me. I closed my eyes, shaking my head as Tony chuckled at me. "No one's going to find out. You're the only one I've told."

Lucky me.

"Right. When's the date?" I asked him, thinking maybe I had some time to convince him of how bad of an idea it was, not only in a hockey standpoint, but also for his own health. The only girl he needed in his life was me.

"Tonight." He told me, standing up and grabbing our trash. "I gotta head out, grab some things for tonight." He bit his lip as I glared at him, smacking him upside the head with enough force to make him cringe.

"Keep your dick in your pants for Christ's sake." I snapped at him, sounding much more like a jealous girlfriend than a best friend, but like always, Tony didn't seem to notice.

"I won't make any promises, Chief. Later babe." He kissed my cheek and my forehead before walking back towards Mariucci, allowing me to watch him leave, wishing for just one moment, that he could look into my heart and see what I was feeling.
***

"So, he's out with her right now?" Kara asked me, rolling around on her bed as I sat at her desk chair, watching as she texted Joey Miller, her boyfriend and Tony's other best friend.

Joey and I got along great, amazing actually, with just a large amount of teasing about how much I loved Tony. Joey and I had spent a lot of time talking over the years, and he mended my broken heart on more than one occasion. So, to repay him for his thoughtfulness, I hooked him up with my other best friend Kara; the two had been dating since our junior year in high school, and I swear they get more in love every day they're together.

"Yup." I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

"You already know what I'm going to say." She told me, pointing a finger at me.

"I can't just walk up to him and be like, "oh hey Tony, I love you." and then make out with him. This isn't a movie; this is real life, and real life doesn't work that way." I rolled my eyes at her snort and shrug as she propped herself up on her elbows.

"I'm not saying to make a fool out of yourself, Brianna. I'm saying that you should at least try to tell him how you feel."

"No."

"You've been in love with him for 5 and a half years, practically your whole friendship. I think it's time to tell him that you love him."

"6, and he doesn't love me."

"You don't know that." Kara scolded me, giving me a dirty look.

"Oh really? Then why is he out with some other girl? How come he never asks me to go out? How come when we're at the bars, he pushes me to the side when something better comes along?" I asked her, standing up and getting ready to head back to my room. It had been a long day and I was tired.

"Because he doesn't know you feel the same way. He's a guy and no matter how much you want him to, he's not going to make the first move. Just like you, he's scared of what it will do to your friendship."

"Oh god, you and Joey need to stop collaborating on your conversations."

"Whatever. You know we are both right." She insisted.

"No, you aren't. He doesn't feel this way about me because if I thought he did, I would go for it."

"Bullshit, you totally know there has to be something there. That's why you won't say anything; you're scared, Brianna, which is fine, but you can't let that make you miss out on what you and Tony could have."

"We don't have anything." I rolled my eyes, walking to her door. "Seriously, I just want to go to bed where I can pretend he isn't out with that girl." I sighed, shutting her door and turning to the left, towards my room.

I dove onto the purple comforter, sighing into the pillows as a few tears finally got the chance to leak down my face. I had been holding them in for so long that it was a relief to feel them falling from my eyes. I just needed to cry, sob for a little bit, and then move on, just like all the other times Tony went out. Maybe this was going to be a one date thing, maybe he is about to find out this girl is exactly what he doesn't need.

My phone vibrated on my nightstand and I grabbed it before it could crash to the floor. I saw Tony's name and a picture of the two of us from this summer, shaking my head and opening the new text.

Are you sleeping?

I sighed, wondering if I really wanted to tell him the truth. If I said no, he would come here and tell me all about her. But if I didn't respond, he would just tell me first thing in the morning anyway. Today had already been crap, might as well keep the trend going.

No. You're done already?

Yeah, come outside.

I stood up, glancing out my window to see Tony sitting on the sidewalk that lead up to Kara, Jess, Jordan Schroeder's girlfriend, and my house. I slipped on my UGGs, jogging down the stairs and opening the door. Tony looked over at me, a smile on his slightly swollen lips. My stomach twisted in pain and I pit back the sob I wanted to let loose, instead forcing my practiced smile.

"Hi," He murmured to me, his green eyes sparkling, telling me that his date had gone better than I could possibly imagine. I tried to ignore the prickling of the pain and jealousy all over my body, but there was something in his eyes, something that told me this was different, this girl was special.

"Hey."

"Sit down." He gestured to the front porch, both of us falling to it, legs outstretched in front of us.

"Mission accomplished?" I wondered, breaking the silence. Tony smiled, shaking his head as he looked over at me.

"You could say that." He chuckled, taking his hat off to run a hand over his hair, messing it up before patting it back into place.

"Tony, are you sure she's worth it?" I whispered to him, concerned about how much trouble he could get in for his potential relationship with this girl. "I mean, how do you know she isn't just pulling your chain? What if she just wants you to get in trouble?"

"Bri, she'd get in trouble too." Tony pointed out, making me sigh and nod my head. I seemed to be backed into a corner, almost like I was being forced to accept the fact that this was happening, that he was really into a girl for once in our 6 years of friendship. The other girls were nothing; just people passing through his life, but the look in Tony's eyes chilled my heart to the core.

"You're sure about this, about her?" I asked him, wanting him to really think about all of this.

"It's early to know for sure, but I feel confident." He murmured, his voice a soft whisper, carrying in the October wind. "Can you just be happy for me?" I looked over at him, my eyes squinted as I tried to act like I had no idea what he was talking about. "Stop trying to find things bad with her. I promise she's legit. She's good for me. Personally, I think you would like her."

I decided not to tell him I doubted it. Instead, I nodded as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder, pulling my head down to rest in the crook of his neck. I bit my lip, hating that I had to remind myself it wasn't okay to pretend I was his girlfriend, not after it was becoming painfully aware that it wasn't going to happen.

"Does Joey know about her?" I whispered, my voice soft as the wind blew the baby hairs around my face.

"No. He would advise against it like he did with every other girl I've been involved with." A small smirk tugged at my lips. Joey's issue wasn't that he didn't like the other girls; in his opinion, it was me or nobody. Joey was my best friend that way, always looking after me when Tony had no idea I needed someone. "That's what I like about you. You're so supportive of everything." Tony leaned down to press his lips to my cheek, having no idea what he was doing to me.

"I just want you to be happy." I told him, shrugging as if it was that simple, but it wasn't. I did want him to be happy, but I wanted him to find that happiness in me.

"Speaking of happiness, when are you going to find that guy who sweeps you off your feet, miss independent." He teased me, poking my side.

"Well, unlike you, I approve of the ones I think you can be happy with. You give every guy you meet the axe within ten minutes."

"Excuse me?"

"Tony, let's think back to high school, and how if anyone talked to me, they were roughed up by more than one hockey player. Guys didn't want to be seen with me because of you and your hoodlum hockey friends." I huffed, giving him a stern look when he tried to deny it.

"Okay, well, that was only with the ones who weren't good enough for you." Tony insisted, rolling his eyes at my pointed look.

"None of them were good enough? Even the guy who brought me flowers to school everyday?"

"Especially him. No guy does that unless he wants to fuck you. Plain and simple."

"I think you underestimate my judge of character."

"No, you just deserve the best, and I guarantee none of those punks were the best."

"So who is the best?" I wondered, pulling away to look into his green eyes. I watched them shift away from me, to the street, the ground, my lips, and finally back to my eyes.

"I don't know, but you must not have met him yet." He gave me a small smile, standing up and kissing my forehead softly. "I gotta go home. I'm dead tired. Lunch or coffee tomorrow? I feel like we still need to catch up after that year apart." He gave me a wild grin and I nodded, pulling my bottom lip in between my teeth to nibble on it.

"Yeah." I breathed out, watching as he descended the stairs of the porch before turning back to me, hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans.

"Call me when you're done with class." He waved before turning again and walking down the sidewalk. I watched him stride down the street, his feet padding against the pavement softly, hips swinging with a slight swagger, but nothing too obnoxious. I closed my eyes when he disappeared from sight, hanging my head in my hands. As I stood up to walk into the house again, I found myself wondering how I was going to handle Tony and this new girl because by the sounds of it, she wasn't disappearing anytime soon.