Listen to My Heart

I stepped out of my Audi on Christmas Eve, pulling my red sweater dress down as I glanced up at my large childhood home. Lights lined the roof and the columns of the porch and wound down to the ground. There were pots of large ornaments and pine, decorated with the same bright lights. The trees were strung with lights as well, making me wonder why my mom had decided to go all out this year. I sighed and reached in, grabbing the bag and the large box of presents- the latter for Tony.

I straightened back up again and turned my attention to the house across the street. The Lucia house was much more modestly decorated. Their large pines were strung with lights along with their porch and their roof. I smiled, glad to know that although people change, some things still didn't. My heels clicked across the icy pavement as I made my way towards the Lucia household where everyone was probably waiting for me. Every year, my family and the Lucia's got together on Christmas Eve to celebrate Christmas and spend some time together. It seemed pointless when we were younger since we saw each other everyday, but now that we were all off to college- except Mario- the tradition had a new importance.

I climbed the steps of the porch, the lights shining my way, and pushing the door open. I walked into a large wave of warmth and the smell of coffee along with ham. I smiled, feeling myself relax just at the smell and feel of everything that was Christmas. I could hear talking in the living room along with a loud clap of laughter. I began to shrug my coat off, setting the presents by my feet as Tony emerged from the living room. He was dressed in grey slacks along with a white dress shirt, a green and red tie, with a black sweater thrown over it. His hair had been cut for the holiday-thank god- and he wore a beaming smile to cap his outfit.

"Hey you." He smiled at me, pulling my black peacoat down the rest of the way off my arms.

"Hey, thank you." I gave him a smile back, taking a moment to study him as he slipped my jacket into the closet. He looked so handsome when he was all put together like this. I liked him in his suits, but I liked him casual formal just as much. Then again, Tony was always good looking to me. My gaze slid over the bunch of his bicep muscles, a tingle rippling through me as I thought of them wrapped around me, and holding me tightly to his chest.

"Merry Christmas." He offered with his grin still plastered on his face.

"Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too." I told him, grabbing the bag of presents and moving towards the living room. I reached the archway, just able to step into it before Tony stopped me with a hand on my arm. His gaze was looking upwards, bringing my eyes with it as I smiled, seeing the green leaves and red berries poised over our heads.

"You know what that means." He wiggled his thick eyebrows at me, making me roll my eyes. It was a standard for there to be plenty of kisses at the Lucia-Tahti Christmas party. Tony and I had been doing this since we had become friends, and each year there was one rule: the kisses had to be real. And by real, we meant full on, mouth to mouth, kiss me like you mean it. I gave him a large grin as he puckered his lips up, eyes still looking up innocently. I couldn't help but giggle as I pressed my lips firmly to his cheek, chuckling as he scoffed. "Doesn't count!" He exclaimed, pulling me into his body and completely oblivious to our family members watching intently. "Kiss me like you mean it." His lips were so close to mine that I couldn't help but lean up and press our lips together.

My scalp started to tingle as my skin broke out into a hot fire, the flames licking at my whole body- inside and out. I hadn't felt a kiss like this since last Christmas when Tony pressed his lips to mine then too. But before I could enjoy it, Tony was pulling away, his green eyes dark with something I couldn't quite figure out. All I did know was that we were both breathless and suddenly, the whole world seemed to have shifted underneath us. I stepped back, turning towards the room of people and quietly saying hello to everyone.

I moved towards the Christmas tree with the presents that I brought, trying to shake off the dizziness Tony's kiss had caused. I needed to calm down. The kiss didn't mean anything; it was strictly tradition for him to lay one on me, and I couldn't get my panties in a twist about it. He had a girlfriend and had made it perfectly clear that he didn't want to be with me. I could feel Tony's presence behind me as he set the box with his present down. I straightened back up, smoothing my dress as I looked cautiously into Tony's green eyes. He just smiled at me, like the kiss did nothing to him, and grabbed my hand to lead me from the room.

"Do you want something to drink?" He asked once we entered the kitchen. Mario was sitting at the table, head in his hands as his phone vibrated against his hand. His head shot up, and the poor kid looked incredibly distraught. "What's wrong?" Tony asked him as he grabbed the bottle of white wine from the counter. I sighed and shook my head that I would have a glass.

"Girls are what's wrong. No offense." He added the last part, glancing at me quickly.

"Mar, girls will give you problems your whole life, so you should probably get used to it." Tony chuckled, handing me my glass and walking over to stand by his little brother. I smiled at Mario who was giving Tony an irritated look.

"You can talk to me, Mario. I'm a girl." I told him, crossing to sit next to him at the table. He hesitated for a moment before looking at his brother and figuring maybe I was a better option.

"Well... there is this girl, and she gives a whole new meaning to incredible. She is the whole package, smart, funny, and she's so beautiful- she could bring me to my knees. I practically worship the ground she walks on. But," he let out a deep sigh and ran a hand over his shaggy, blonde hair. "She has a boyfriend, who is a total asshole. He is wrong for her in every way possible, and she just doesn't get it. I've been waiting to be with her for a year and a half, and she just keeps breaking my heart." I watched the younger Lucia boy pour his heart out to me, eyes desperate for me to give him something to make it better. I pursed my lip, biting down on my top one and looking at my wine glass.

"Does she know how you feel?" I wondered, looking at Tony who was giving his brother a weird look. Mario glanced to him and he rolled his eyes at his older brother.

"No. I don't know how to tell her." He slumped defeatedly back in his chair, blue eyes looking back at me.

"Well, maybe you should start there." I chuckled quietly, "you can't expect any change if you don't let her know how you feel."

I conveniently ignored the part of me that was screaming that I was the biggest hypocrite in the room. I was giving Mario advice that I couldn't even take myself. But it was so much easier to dish it out than swallow it down. I had too much to lose because I would rather have Tony in my life than not at all. I was scared that if my feelings were out in the open, he would start acting weird around me, or even worse, he wouldn't want to be friends anymore. Part of me knew that was a childish way to act, but the other part of me didn't want to take the chance that one of those scenarios could happen.

"I guess, but what if she rejects me?" He asked. I might have thought he looked slightly pathetic if I didn't feel the same exact way about his brother. I gave him a sympathetic smile and gave his shoulder a squeeze.

"Then there is something better out there waiting for you. You're 14 years old Mario, you probably haven't found your soul mate." He nodded in understanding.

"So you think I should tell her?" He questioned as he stood up, grabbing a can of Coke from the fridge and cracking it open.

"I think you should go for it. Tell her how you feel and let her make the decision. And if she doesn't pick you, then she probably isn't ready for what you're offering." I shrugged, "which saves you pain in the long run." He nodded slowly, taking a long drink from the can and thinking about my advice. I looked over at Tony who was studying me over the bottle of his beer. I looked away quickly because I could feel the rush of my pulse beneath my skin. I didn't want to feel like that right now.

"I'll think about it." He murmured just as Joyce entered the room, shooing us all out and into the dining room to get ready for dinner.

I sat next to Tony at dinner, eating up the attention he was giving me. His eyes and attention were locked on me whenever I spoke, and I couldn't help but enjoy the fuzzy feelings that were dancing around me. Once I got out of the kitchen air, thick with hypocrisy, I was able to breathe. I just wanted to enjoy the holidays with Tony and forget about my feelings. I wish I was able to turn them on and off as I pleased, but then again, I would probably always have the switch flipped to off. I could save myself some heartbreak that way.

Dinner was filled with laughter and stories, all of us using the time to catch up and tell stories over the past year. It was good to sit down and laugh, to not have to be stressed about anything unlike the past couple weeks with school, being sick, and the complicated loves I had in my life. I didn't want to think about any of them, and I found myself relieved that Tony at least had the decency to not invite Leah. When I asked him earlier where she was he just shrugged and told me that today was our day, and he wasn't going to ruin such a great tradition.

After all of us were stuffed to the brim with food, we hobbled into the living room sitting around on the furniture along with the floor. We all got to open the gifts from the opposite families. I smiled at the green sweater I got from the Lucias, noticing right away that it matched the one Tony had gotten from my mom. I knew it was on purpose and couldn't help rolling my eyes before letting Joyce snap a picture of Tony and I holding them up. My sister got a blue one and ended up matching Mario. I giggled as Mario stood next to my nine month pregnant sister, both of them smiling widely.

I was leaning into Tony, my head resting lazily against his shoulder as his fingers ran along my arm. It felt so nice to have his arm wrapped around me and to be snuggled against his chest. I sighed quietly as he began to shift, realizing that our moment was coming to an end.

"Come on, let's go open ours separately." He suggested, pulling me to my feet. I nodded and grabbed the big box with his present, hoisting it into my arms. Tony and I walked up the stairs slowly, our bodies moving lethargically due to the vast amount of food plus the alcohol.

Tony pushed the door to his childhood bedroom open and I slipped in, looking around at the room that hadn't changed much since I was last in here. There were trophies, pictures, and blue covering the room along with the distinct smell of Tony's cologne from when he used to spray it on in high school. Random Gopher hockey things were strewn across the room including a picture of Tony and his family after the Gophers won their 2003 national championship. I smiled at the thought before turning towards the bed and setting the box on it.

"Hasn't changed much." I told Tony as he nodded, pushing off from the door jam where he had been standing, watching me look around.

"The room hasn't changed, but we have." He smiled at me, sitting down on the edge of the bed.

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" I asked him, running a hand through my hair carefully.

"I think its a little bit of both." I nodded my understanding before pushing the box towards him.

"You go first." I bit my lip in excitement, my lips stretching for my smile. He gave me a smile in return before he hoisted the box up into his lap.

"This is too heavy to be cologne or a sweater." He pointed out before ripping a corner of the penguin print wrapping paper.

"No I figured I'd leave that to the girlfriend." I shrugged.

"That's funny because that's what I got. Cologne and a t-shirt." He gave a chuckle before I joined him, nervously wondering if he was going to like the present.

He ripped off the rest of the paper, tugging carelessly and crumpling it up in a ball. He looked down at the top of the box, not moving as he read the words Victoria's Secret across the top.

"I don't know if I should be offended or nervous." He stated, giving me a questioning look as I laughed loudly.

"It's just the box. The gift isn't from there." I insisted, shoving his shoulder and wishing he would just get on with it.

He did just that, lifting the top of the box to reveal a large black scrapbook with a black and white picture of the two of us in the middle. We were both smiling widely despite that it was the day I left for Boston- the last time I would end up seeing for three months. I watched his face carefully as a smile graced his features. He looked towards me with a look as he flipped the cover open to reveal a white page with a quote written in my loopy hand writing.

"You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've ever had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, everyday we are together is the greatest day of my life." -The Notebook

We were dead silent as Tony's eyes read over the quote before he turned to me and pulled me into his body. He kissed my temple, lips hovering for a moment before he pulled away to begin flipping through our pages of memories. Each page had it's own theme to go with the pictures that were on it. There were pictures of us from virtually every event we had been through so far in our lives, but only in the high school years. There were so many pictures that it was hard to pick the ones I wanted in the book.

Tony flipped through the pages slowly, taking in each page. The pictures were of moments at the cabin, school dances, football games, hockey games. There were shots of us bowling, of us after Tony's bantam team won their state championship and then just weeks later when the Gophers won their first of two national championships under Don Lucia. When he flipped to the page of Tony and I clutching each other, our eyes wide with excitement, Tony began to laugh quietly.

"I will never forget that day or that feeling." He whispered to me. His voice was quiet as his eyes glazed over as we both thought of the emotions and the whirlwind the game had been. I had never been so happy when a puck went into the net until Grant Potulny shoved the puck in past the Maine goalie. Tony and I had gone crazy, the both of us clutching each other and screaming at the top of our lungs. I remember the tears burning my eyes as Tony squeezed me to his chest, laughing and shaking because of how excited he was.

"That was an amazing day." I nodded my head up and down.

He flipped through the last couple pages. There were shots of us from the trips I took down to Omaha to see him play when he went down there to play hockey for his senior year, along with prom, and of course graduation. We were both wearing our bright blue gowns, smiles just as bright, and so happy to be done with high school. Most of the pages were done based off of the date they occurred, but there was one that I had purposely left out of place. I wanted to save it for the end. It was a representation of everything that would dictate Tony's future in college. We were at Wayzata, in the front entry way. I was sitting down next to him, cheek to cheek, a bright smile on both of our faces. It was the day Tony signed his letter of intent to play hockey. I remember watching the smile grown on his face as I sat next to him for support as he looped his signature over the line. I hadn't been more proud of him than at that moment. Underneath the picture was a quote by Cesare Pavese that I thought represented the book as well as anything.

We do not remember days, we remember moments.

Tony was still silent as he ran the pads of his fingers softly over the maroon and gold paper along with the glossy image. I wasn't sure if his silence was a good one or a bad one, but either way, I needed to break it.

"I was going to give it to you for graduation, but it wasn't done then. And then I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but I found some pictures in a box under my bed that I wanted to use. So it took me even longer, and I finally finished it this fall so I figured I would give it to your for Christmas." I started to ramble, before I nervously bit my lip, eyes running over his still features. I couldn't read him at all. I needed him to talk so that I could figure it out. "Its no big deal if you don't like it. I'll just take it and-"

"Brianna, I love it." Tony murmured to me, turning to look at me. His face held a soft and intimate smile, his eyes glowing in appreciation of my gift. "Actually, that doesn't even begin to describe it. This is incredible, and I've never gotten such a great gift before." He laughed quietly.

"Really? Because it is totally fine if you don't. I mean I've only been working on this for like four years." I laughed nervously.

"Brianna," he grabbed my hand with both of his, the book resting on his lap, "I love it." The look in his green eyes told me that I should just nod my head. I had never seen him look so serious before. So I did nod, and then looked down at our laced hands. "But I am worried about how much my gift sucks now." He chuckled softly, letting go of my hands and opening the drawer of his nightstand.

"No it doesn't." I immediately dismissed, looking around his body before he turned back to me with a larger square box in his hand. He reached out to set it in my lap before he looked at me.

I ran my fingers over the light blue box, lifting the lid to reveal a velvet, black box- too big to be a ring or earrings, and too small to be a bracelet. I looked up at Tony with a questioning look, but all he did was urge me to continue. My gaze drifted back to the box as I used my thumb to slowly lift the cover. Resting delicately against the velvet was a silver necklace complete with a heart locket, a loopy B.T. inscribed into the face of the shape. I ran my fingers softly along the locket before looking up at Tony again. He looked just as nervous as I was when he was looking through my present.

"I hope you like it cause it's better than what I got my girlfriend." He joked, making me smile as I handed him the box.

"Put it on me." I insisted, turning and gathering my curls softly in my hand. Tony's fingers brushed against the back of my neck as he clasped the necklace, making tingles run down my spine and then shot up to the top of my head. He was giving me the best buzz possible, something even better than alcohol. But unlike alcohol, it left a worse hangover when you fell down from the high- heartbreak was worse than having a pounding headache.

"I figured that the initials could stand for either Brianna Tahti, or Brianna and Tony. I'm sure there will be days where I'll be driving you up the wall and you won't want anything to do with me." He chuckled quietly as I gave him a smile.

"Oh, today is definitely a Brianna Tahti day." I joked, watching as he looked down at his hands.

"Yeah I figured. I haven't exactly been the best friend lately." He sighed. I didn't say anything because I was at a lose of words. I couldn't exactly tell him that, yes he was being a shitty friend, not after he had gotten me such a nice gift and we were having such a good time. But at the same time it wasn't right for me to sit back and tell him the way he had been treating me was fine. I was glad he realized it on his own, but I also hoped he would choose to change as well.

"Tony, I really love this, and today has been really fun." I murmured to him, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Me too." He breathed against my neck, his nose burrowing into me as we held each other tightly. I ran one of my hands up his back to his neck, tangling my fingers with his hair. I scratched at his head lightly knowing how much he loved it before I felt myself falling back against his chest. I immediately pulled my dress down from pooling around my thighs, thanking God I was smart enough to wear black tights. Tony's hands ran along my back as I rested my head against the inside of his bicep. I kept one hand twirling through his hair while the other went to his chest, softly scratching at his sweater.

"I miss moments like this." He murmured to me, lips pressing softly against my forehead. I sighed quietly, tilting my face up to look at him.

"Moments like this aren't possible when you have a jealous girlfriend." I reminded him. He nodded in understanding, but neither of us spoke as we both stared into each others eyes. I bit a tiny part of the inside of my lip nervously before I let my eyes fall to his plump lips. There wasn't a mistletoe, but maybe we could imagine one and pretend that kissing again was okay.

"So what did you get Leah?" I asked him as his lips came even closer to mine, making my heart stop in my chest.

"Don't talk about her." He whispered to me, before he tilted my chin up so that he would have the perfect access to my lips.

"Okay." I practically mouthed out as his lips pressed against mine.

They barely brushed against mine, but it was so hot, and so intimate, that my whole body was searing. Shivers of pleasure rolled out of my nerve endings and ran along my whole body, making my shake and tingle in the most amazing way possible. Only Tony could give me this feeling, a feeling so delectable yet terrifying at the same time. When he pulled away, his eyes were burning with lust, something that made my tingles subside immediately. I was afraid to realize that Tony only felt things for me in a lustful way, nothing like the way I felt about him.

"Let's just... forget everything... and lay here together. Like old times." He whispered to me, speaking of the countless nights we had laid together in our teen years.

"Okay." I nodded to him, tucking my head under his chin and letting him mold me to his body. It felt so good, and so right, that I never, ever wanted to lose this feeling. And with the thrill of his kiss along with the cheer of the holidays, I completely forgot that when the sun came up, nothing would be different.