Listen to My Heart

"So I noticed something this morning." Tony told me the morning after Christmas Day through a mouth full of eggs. I lowered my gaze at his mouth which prompted him to roll his eyes at me, but at least he finished chewing before he spoke again. "You haven't mentioned Hoef in awhile." He gave me a pointed look, his eyes glistening with interest. "Trouble in paradise already?"

I shifted uncomfortably beneath his gaze, wondering what I was supposed to say to that. There was no way I was going to tell him the truth for two reasons. One, I was not going to explain to him that i a moment of intense passion, his name slipped passed my lips instead of Mike's. Two, he didn't need to know about my sex life, or lack there of. I shrugged casually as if my response was really no big deal.

"We've just been too busy to see each other, so there isn't much to say." I stuffed a bite of my pancakes into my mouth, diverting my gaze as my cheeks began to flame up. Tony just nodded like he believed me before changing the subject.

"So I was thinking that maybe for New Years or something, we could all go on a double date. We've never done anything like that before and it could be fun. Plus, I can keep my eyes on Hoef and his wandering hands." I snorted at that, knowing Mike probably didn't want to let his hands wander over my body anymore. Tony's job would be easier than he thought.

"That's an interesting change of heart for you, Mr. Lucia." I told him, tilting my head to the side and studying him. He downplayed my look with a shrug before taking a sip of his water.

"I guess I don't mind who you date as long as you're happy." He murmured to me, a slight, almost sad, tilt to his lips.

My green eyes took him in, wondering how my plan has backfired. Tony wasn't supposed to be okay with me dating Mike. For the first few weeks, he has been reacting like I wanted, except for the fact that he hadn't dumped Leah. He was angry, jealous, all the bad sins, but then something changed. It was like he didn't care anymore and that was why he approved of Mike as my boyfriend. Maybe that meant things with him and Leah were really serious. Just the thought of that made me throw my napkin on my plate and shove it away from my body. It was like a hard slap to the face, one that stung and made you close your eyes as the burn took over your senses. Maybe it was time to actually take my relationship with Mike seriously. Maybe it was time to stop pretending and start feeling. Maybe it was time to get over Tony.

"You look really lost in thought." Tony announced, breaking my concentration for a moment before I lost myself again.

I knew that getting over him, quitting him cold turkey, was not going to be easy. It was so easy to lie and say it could be done, that I could move on, but if I've learned anything over the past six years, its that it is most difficult to let go of the things that were never even yours to begin with. It was almost laughable how I let myself sleep in the arms of another woman's man on Christmas Eve, and pretend that he could ever be mine. Having hope after six painful years was ridiculously naive and borderline disgusting.

I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to stop the dreadful shivers from racing down my spine and making bad goosebumps form. "I was just thinking about Mike. I forgot that I was going to try and see him today." I told Tony, flagging the waitress down for the check. Tony sat across the table from me, cheeks cutely puffed out with food, watching me like a wounded puppy would look at it's attacker.

"But I'm not done eating." He whined, lips forming a deep from when he watched me grab my wallet from my purse.

"You'll live." I rolled my eyes at him as he swallowed the large mass of food in his mouth. The waitress came and I handed her my card before Tony could even react.

"Okay, now this looks tacky." He wrinkled his nose in distaste.

"You can buy next time. Plus, its not like you're my deadbeat boyfriend." I rolled my eyes at him. A look passed between the two of us that I didn't want to read much into. Not when I was planning on meeting Mike and fixing the damage I had caused.

The waitress came back and I quickly filled out the last part of the bill, shoving my copy of the receipt into my purse to fish for later. I stood up, throwing my purse onto my shoulder and looking at Tony.

"I'm done." He told me when I sighed after seeing him stand from his half-full plate.

"Really, you can stay."

"No, I'll walk you to the corner." He insisted, resting his hand gently on the small of my back to lead me from the restaurant.

The corner was probably about 500 feet from the restaurant which meant that Tony really didn't need to escort me down there. But he did anyway. We walked in silence to the end of the street where I would need to cross the bustling University Ave, and Tony would need to turn around and walk back in the direction we just came from. A cold wind nipped at our noses and cheeks as we stopped to wait for the light to change. I looked at Tony who was searching my eyes for something in particular. My chest heavy with the breath I was holding, trying not to move as his eyes ran over me.

"Is everything alright?" He asked me, his fingers reaching up to carefully brush my bangs out of my eyes. I bounced on my heels, letting out the breath in a large, white cloud that billowed in front of us and temporarily blocked our vision.

"I'm fine." I told him, pressing a smile onto my face like I had done for the past six years when he asked me the same question. It was the same question and the same answer every single time.

I watched his eyes pass over my face and eyes once more before he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me into his body. I tried to be stiff, to hold myself back from falling into the strength of his arms, but it was impossible. I felt my muscles unclenched as I wound my arms around his waist, sighing and falling into his warmth and solidity. His fingers gently trailed along my back before they stopped, his arms tightening. I ducked my head under his chin while he tilted his head to rest his cheek softly against my hair.

"For some reason, I feel like I miss you." Tony murmured.

I smiled softly before tilting my face away from his warmth and towards his face. Our lips were centimeters apart, but I knew I couldn't lean forward just a bit so that our lips would touch. I had to remind myself he was with Leah, and that no matter how bad I wanted him to love me, he just didn't. I slowly pulled out of his grip, but not before pressing my lips to his cheek.

"I'll see you later." I told him, squeezing his hand as I walked into the crosswalk. Our hands fell apart and I immediately felt cold.

"Bye Brianna." Tony called to me once I reached the other side, standing with his hands in his pockets, glasses poised delicately on his face, and the wind tousling his brown locks. I smiled once more before ducking my head for the cold walk.

I bustled across campus to Territorial Hall, were a majority of the freshman stayed along with all of the freshman hockey players. The wind nipped at me, making me wish I still had Tony with me to keep me warm. I rolled my eyes at myself, mentally beginning to shift from Tony to Mike. My stomach began to tumble uncomfortably in my lower body. I was nervous to confront him, and to stand in front of him in order to say sorry about blurting out another name. I was still extremely embarrassed about it, but I needed to just suck it up.

My nerves really began to settle in when I walked past the Territorial Hall sign. I silently prayed that Mike would still be at home and wouldn't be back for days. I sucked in a deep breath as I came to the door, wondering how I was going to get in when the dorms were locked. I didn't have to contemplate long because Cade Fairchild came strutting out of the building with a smile on his face and a hand holding the door.

"Hey Brianna." He greeted, a white cloud forming from his breath.

"Hey, do you know if Mike is back yet?" I asked, nervously biting my lip and twirling my locket around my neck.

"Yeah, I saw him come back last night. I guess his family was driving him nuts." Cade and I both laughed, knowing how hard it was to live at home for a few days after having so much freedom.

"So, he is here?" I double checked as I walked through the doorway while he slipped outside.

"Yep. I'll catch you later." He waved one last goodbye before we both turned to head our opposite directions.

I decided to take the stairs to try and place together my apology. All the words that flowed together sounded like stupid excuses which prevented me from having to admit the truth. Maybe when Mike was down there I had been thinking of Tony. My cheeks blushed a deep red at just the mere thought. I tugged at my pony tail as I opened the door to Mike's floor, slowly making my way down to his dorm room.

I paused outside the door, hearing a slight movement from within and feeling my heart leap into my throat. I was so nervous my palms were sweating and I was starting to feel the room spin a tad. I closed my eyes, sending one more prayer that Patrick was still with his family before poising my hand to knock. The sound of my knuckled rapping on wood filled the hall and matched the staccato beating of my heart. I paused again, holding my breath and waiting a few seconds. I shifted from foot to foot, glancing at the dorm number to make sure I had the right one. I did, so I knocked again.

All was silent in the room as I strained my ears to hear the movement from before, or talking. I thought of Cade, frowning when I realized he might have warned Mike I was coming up. Had Mike then decided not to answer when I came up? Irritation started to pull at my mood and my face as I frowned, knocking once more, but this time with much more force. I crossed my arms over my chest, narrowing my eyes lowly at the door. I could hear movement once more, making my nose scrunch up. I poised my hand once again to knock, but a loud crash sounded from within the room, making me halt. I leaned closer to the crack of the door, listening and hearing what sounded like breathing. I rolled my eyes, not really believing that Mike was going to avoid me, but be that loud while I stood outside the door. I placed my hand on the gold door knob, twisting and pushing into the room.

"Mike, what the FUCK!" I screeched loudly preparing to yell at him for ignoring me, but finding a whole new reason to swear. My mouth dropped open as I took in the sight of both Mike and Leah, stark naked, wrapped around each other on the couch across the room. I could barely breath as I took in the sight of the two people frantically jumping apart. My eyes quickly dropped to the floor, seeing the broken lamp and the source of the loud crash. "What the hell is going on!?" I screamed, slamming the dorm door shut and staring at the two people across the room. I didn't even try to be modest as I shifted my gaze from Leah who was grasping Patrick's jersey tightly in her fingers, eyes wide with fear, to Mike who was holding his junk with both of his hands.

"Brianna, I can explain-"

"Explain what?! How you're fucking Tony's girlfriend, or how you didn't mean to slip your dick inside or her?" I barked at him. I was so angry that I was shaking. My teeth were chattering in my mouth while my jaw ground my teeth together to make them stop. Goosebumps danced down my arms and adrenaline pumped through my veins as I stared down Mike.

"I- uh- I'm sorry." Mike mumbled, closing his eyes and sucking in a deep breath. I could see his brain trying to process behind his blue eyes, trying to find excuses as to why he was caught pounding into his teammates girlfriend. Girlfriend. I suddenly felt sick as I thought of Tony, poor Tony, his girlfriend getting fucked by another man while he walked home from breakfast. Part of my heart broke for him, while the other part leaped for joy at the thought of running to him and yelling that his girlfriend was a fucking whore.

"What about you?" I snarled at Leah, my eyes flashing as I glared at her. She pursed her lips, eyes still wide and beginning to fill with tears. "Are you sorry? Or did you enjoy fucking both Mike and Tony?" Acid began to churn in my stomach before it rose into my throat, eating away at my esophagus. It wasn't enough for her to have Tony. No, she had to take Mike away- the one person who was able to dull the pain Tony caused. "You're disgusting. I can't even look at you." I shook my head and flicked my eyes back to Mike. My whole body was ridged and I felt like I was heading into a war. "How long has this been going on?" I asked Mike, crossing my arms and leaning my weight onto one hip. I watched his eyes dip, and with his hands still covering his manhood, he began to speak.

"A couple weeks." He sighed, eyes flicking to Leah before he bravely looked me in the eyes. He must not have liked what he found there because his eyes dipped behind my head to a spot on the door. "It started the night you and Tony had your little sleep over." I felt the anger bubbling in my chest as I looked over at Leah, my lips curled into a sneer.

"You are such a fucking hypocrite. You sat there and screamed at Tony for sleeping in the same sleeping bag with me when you had just fucked Mike's brains out. How dare you." I stopped, closing my eyes and letting out a shaky, angry breath. "How dare you." I snapped my gaze back to Mike who was looking more nervous as the minutes trailed on. "Go on." I snapped.

"All the guys were at the bar because Tony kicked them out and because, well, we like to drink. So we're all having a few beers, shit like that, and Leah and her friends walk in. We started talking and more drinks passed, and things just... happened. I never wanted to hurt you, Brianna. That was not my intention at all. But, I just can't help how I feel about her."

"What about Tony?" I asked him, my eyebrows pulling together as I thought of my best friend. He didn't deserve to be cheated on.

"He doesn't deserve to have you, let alone either of you."

"And you think you do?" I snipped at him, my attitude beginning to come out full force.

"No-"

"You're right. You don't. Tony didn't do anything to deserve this from either of you. You," I snapped, pointing to Leah who was doing something under the jersey. "are a fucking skank who never deserved Tony in the first place.You don't even know what you've done. You don't know what Tony has risked to be with you. And don't give me this bullshit that you were giving up something too because you weren't. Nobody cares about you, but people care about Tony and his position on the team. He risked that for you, and this is how you repay him?" The room fell silent as I tried to think of what I was going to say to Mike. I had come here to apologize to him about a slip up, and now I was about to walk out of this room without ever uttering the word sorry. He didn't deserve that, and if anyone should be apologizing it was the two people in front of me. I turned to Mike, rolling my shoulders back and beginning to speak whatever came to my mind.

"You have no right to decide what Tony does and doesn't deserve. You don't get to choose who he has in his life, and you don't get to have everything that you are trying to deny him. If you know what is best for you, you will tell Tony before I do. I thought you were something Mike; I thought you were different from the rest, but you're the same as every other guy out there. Good job proving the stereotype right." I turned towards the door, grasping the handle in my hand and twisting it, wishing I had never opened the door to begin with. I glanced over my shoulder once again, steely green eyes locking on Leah, who had tears streaking down her face. "If you know what's best for you, you will stay away from Tony." I walked out after that, slamming the door shut behind me.

I was on autopilot as I walked from the building in a daze, trying to digest the information I now knew. I didn't want to think about how Tony didn't know. How all this time I was wishing for Tony to be mine, and hating that he was someone else's, his trashy girlfriend had been cheating on him with his teammate. I didn't want to think that maybe half of this pain could have been prevented. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to rid my eyes of the scenes I had just witnessed. I walked down the sidewalk, trying to dissect my emotions, to figure out how I felt.

Was I supposed to feel happy? Now that Leah was cheating, surely her and Tony would break up. Was I supposed to feel sad? Mike had been cheating on me- if it could be called that. Was I supposed to feel betrayed? Mike had played such a good role at being a "boyfriend". Did I even have a right to be mad? Wasn't I just using Mike to begin with? By the time I figured out how I felt- every one of those emotions- I was in Dinkytown and tears were flowing from my eyes. I was in pain for Tony, for myself; I was upset that this was happening, but most of all, I was confused and I didn't know how to handle it.

I looked up as I got to the corner where Tony and I had said goodbye barely a half hour prior. My heart stopped in my chest as Tony looked back at me with quizative eyes. He was with Joey, who was too busy texting to see the tears on my face. It was weird to be crying over someone other than Tony, but I wasn't even sure why I was crying. Was it because of Mike, or was it really because I hated Leah so much for taking two things away from me. Even if things with her and Tony did end, she still took that time away from me; she still had a large hand in the scars that marked my heart.

The walk sign flashed at us and the several other people began to move. I could see Tony taking his hand from his pocket and when we were even in walking, he reached out and wrapped his hand around my wrist.

"Brianna, are you okay? Did something happen at Mike's?" He asked, worry creasing his thick eyebrows together. I looked into his eye, the innocence in them so bright while I sat here with the heavy weight on my shoulders. Instead of telling him, I just shook my head and gently tugged my wrist out of his grasp.

"Ask your girlfriend." I told him before making my way through the throng of people, reaching home just as the dam of tears broke.
*** (TONY)

I frowned as I watched Brianna continue down the street, my feet firmly planted in the crosswalk as Joey called to me from the other side of the street.

"Tony, get over here before someone runs your ass over." He demanded, his voice rough from sleep as he waved at me. I sighed and nodded, glancing over my shoulder as Brianna disappeared behind a building, heading home with tears still in her eyes. It was hard for me to watch her walk away when she was so upset. Maybe that was from the six years of friendship, or maybe that was from the fact that so many times I had seen her crying because of me. I hated to see the tears glistening on her cheeks; I hated seeing her in pain, and despite what my actions showed, I would do anything to not have her hurt ever again.

I stepped into stride with Joey, my hands stuffed into my pockets as I tried to process Brianna's last words. Ask your girlfriend. What was that supposed to mean? I knew Brianna and Leah didn't like each other, but I highly doubted Leah could say something that would offend Brianna so much she would cry. Chances were if that happened my best friend would wind up and sock her, leaving me to tend to Leah and listen to her complain about the person who has been there since as long as I can remember.

Joey opened the door to Caribou and I followed him in, still lost in thought as I ordered myself a large coffee. I was still feeling slightly off, and I was hoping the coffee would help jolt me back to my normal self.

"Alright, I got my coffee, now we can talk." Joey told me after taking a big slurp of the light brown liquid. I sighed, running a hand through my hair and telling myself that I just needed to spit it out.

"I feel weird." I muttered, looking at Joey who's mouth held an amused smirk. I placed my hand in the air, stopping him from speaking. "I need you to be my friend right now, and turn off the sarcasm button. If you start making fun of me or the situation, I'm not talking anymore." I warned him. His smirk fell from his face and he studied me before nodding.

"Alright, I'll keep my comments to myself. But you must have some serious shit on your mind. What's going on?"

"Ever since Brianna started dating Mike, I've felt this ridiculous urge to slice his throat open. I keep imagining myself shoving him through the glass at Mariucci and jumping him from behind. I don't know what it is, but every time he looks at Brianna, my skin crawls. Now, I know what you're going to say, that I'm jealous but that isn't it at all. It is something different, I just can't but my finger on it." I shook my head, sighing and feeling helpless.

"I know what it is." Joey shrugged his shoulders, grabbing his cup of coffee and blowing on it before taking one more sip. I gestured for him to continue, but he just kept looking at me. "I just don't think you can handle it."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, squinting my eyes at him.

"I'm saying I don't think you can handle what I'm going to say to you." I just stared at him, silently telling him to try me. My best male friend since I had moved to Minnesota in the 6th grade, just kept looking at me with that same quizzical and pointed look. It was unnerving and I felt myself squirming in my seat. "The reason you want to kick the shit out of Mike all the time is because you're in love with Brianna. You have been since high school and no matter which way you try to deny it, I know it is true. I've known this since our sophomore year at Wayzata. I've seen the way you look at her compared to the way you look at other girls. I've seen how you change around her, how you protect her, how you hold her. She is your something special Tony, and now that she is finally testing the waters, you don't know what to do with yourself."

"Of course I love Brianna." I shook my head at him, finding what he was saying a little too close to what I felt. "She is my best friend."

"Tony, don't bullshit yourself into thinking that is how you love her. You're 20 years old, be a man and go after what you want." Joey tisked at me, his voice sounding so much like my mother's that it made me shiver a bit. It was almost like him and my mom were on the same thought wave. My mom was constantly pestering me about why I wasn't with Brianna, why I was with Leah, why I didn't have a girlfriend, or why I didn't try and tell Brianna how I felt. But the truth was, I didn't know how I felt, yet after the past couple of weeks, I knew exactly how I was feeling about Brianna. Joey was right, I was scared. I was scared that she wouldn't want to be with me. I was scared that she was falling for Mike and that I wasn't good enough, or what she was looking for in a boyfriend. I guess overall, I was scared of being rejected by the one woman who could blow my mind. And yes, that made me a huge pussy.

"I know how I feel about her, Joey." I spoke quietly. "I just don't think I am at that place where I can give her what she deserves."

"What she deserves is for the two of you to give it a fucking shot. You two have been in love with each other for six fucking years, and I can tell you that because I know you and I know her, and I know that you two feel way too strongly about one another to cheat out on a relationship. Tony, she could be your one." If any of the boys heard us talking like this, we would get quiet the rousing and I would probably feel like a girl. But because it was just Joey and I, my words flew from my mouth like I wasn't afraid to say them.

"Leah.."

"Leah is completely wrong for you on so many levels. You dated her because you wanted Brianna to notice. You got her to notice, and you also broke her head again you, dickwad." He threw a balled up napkin at me as I frowned deeply.

"I never wanted to hurt her. That was never my intention." I hissed at him. A flash of blonde caught my attention from my peripheral vision, making me turn my head to see Leah bustling down the sidewalk. I stood abruptly, telling Joey I would be right back before running out of the coffee shop. I needed to know what was going on. I needed to know why Brianna was crying, so I could do everything in my power to make it better. I sprinted across the street, grabbing on to her upper arm to pull her to a stop.

"Leah." I wheezed out, feeling winded from the pressure of the cold air in my lungs.

"T-tony." She stuttered out, her blue eyes wide with fear as she wrapped her arms tightly around herself.

"We need to talk." I pushed out a deep sigh as I saw her lower lip beginning to tremble. I lowered my eyebrows at her, watching tears fill in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen."

"Brianna was really upset earlier." I informed her, stuffing my hands in my pockets as people walked past us.

"I'm sorry, Tony. I really am. I never meant for things to happen with Mike. They just got out of control. One night turned into two and two turned into three, and the next thing I knew, it was twice a day, everyday. I never meant for things to get so out of control." Tears slid from her deep blue eyes as I felt the confusion begin to make my head pound.

"What are you talking about?" I asked her, my lips forming a frown. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Her already wide eyes got even larger as she realized whatever she had just said, I had no clue about.

"Brianna didn't say anything...." She trailed off, her mouth forming a large O. "Oh shit." She breathed out, her eyes closing in defeat as she swallowed.

"No, so why don't you fill me in." I snapped, feeling the uneasiness settle in my stomach. I wanted her to say it. I wanted it to come out of her mouth that she had really fucking my teammate behind my back.

"I slept with Mike, and Brianna walked in on us earlier this morning." Her eyes dropped to the ground as I took a step back, distancing myself from her. A few tears slipped off her face and splashed onto the sidewalk below. I looked at her with pity and disgust, wondering who I should be more mad at- Mike or her. In the end, I realized that I felt little to nothing as to what Leah did. Sure, maybe I should have been mad, but all I could see were the tears dripping from Brianna's eyes. It wasn't fair that she had to be hurt so many times. But the problem was, I wasn't sure if I was more mad at Mike for having sex with Leah, or hurting my best friend.

"We can still work things out, right?" Leah asked, breaking my train of thought. My eyes slid to her face, the pretty features and her light blond hair. But as I looked at her now, I realized that I wasn't a particular fan of blonde. Over the past six year, I had liked blonde, but I was in love with brunettes, really just one in particular. I sighed, reaching out to brush a few of her tears away.

"You already know the answer to that." I told her, shaking my head sadly. She nodded in understanding, biting her trembling lip. "But if you want to be with Mike. I'm not going to stop you, and I'll make sure Brianna doesn't say anything."

"You would do that for us? After what we did?" She asked me, eyes brimming again.

"Yeah." I shrugged, stuffing my hand back into my pocket. I glanced down towards Caribou, seeing Joey walking out of the shop with both mine and his coffee in hand.

"She loves you, you know." Leah whispered as I tore my gaze from Joey. "You should really give her a chance. I'm sorry I stood in the way, but I won't anymore." She ducked her head before finding the courage to look me in the eye. "You're perfect for each other." I didn't say anything to her as she walked away, and I didn't say anything to Joey either. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe as a realization smacked my heart into a completely different position in my chest. I felt like I had been turned upside down, shaken, and then placed back right side up.

"You look sick, Looch." Joey told me, a hard hand on my shoulder, gripping the muscles uncomfortably tight. I shook his hand off, licking my lips.

"I love her." I stated simply.

"Then you better hope to God she still loves you back." Joey murmured quietly as I looked back at him, eyes closing and mentally smacking myself upside the head.

I looked towards the direction I had last seen Brianna walk, wondering if maybe she could accept my I love you, even if it was six years too late.