Listen to My Heart

I rubbed at my eyes, careful of my mascara as I walked up the steps of the hockey house. I just got done working a double shift at Starbucks, and even though it was Wednesday night and I was beyond exhausted, I still headed over to the house to see Tony one last time before he headed out to Denver, Colorado for one of the final series of the season before the playoffs. I yawned loudly as I grasped the handle, twisting and pushing the door open as I stepped in.

The house was packed with people and the music along with the talking was so loud it felt like my brain was shaking within my scull. I tried to ignore it the best I could as I slipped through people. I felt drabby and gross because I was still in my work uniform and I smelled so strongly of coffee. The girls surrounding me were wearing low cut tops, some even without backs, and tight jeans that made me want to suck my stomach in as I walked through. Several hockey boys were lounging around the couch as I slipped from the living room and into the kitchen, expecting to see Tony.

"Hey honey," Joey winked at me as I smiled at him. I noticed Mike and Leah in the other corner of the kitchen, trying to ignore how pretty she looked while I looked like shit with my stupid uniform on and my hair shoved into a pony tail with my hat on my head.

"Hey." I greeted him and Kara, who was fishing around in her cup before plopping a piece of fruit into her mouth. Her face contorted in a sour face for a moment before she smiled back at me.

"You smell good." She told me.

"Ew, I smell nauseating." I insisted, wrinkling my nose and grabbing a cup from Joey. I took a sip of the beer, actually enjoying the feel of it sliding into my stomach. I glanced around the kitchen, noticing several others of Tony's teammates, but not seeing my boyfriend within the room. I cranked my head to look into the living room, not seeing him within my line of vision either. "Where is Ton?" I asked.

"He was just here." Joey told me, glancing around the kitchen and the living room like I had. "I think he might have gone out to the garage to bring in some more beer. College kids are thirsty today." He gave me a wicked grin and a wink, which made me giggle.

"Thirsty Wednesday?"

"More like Wacky Wednesday." Kara insisted. "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, did you want to come with some of the other girlfriends and myself to the boys' playoff series?"

"Do we know where it is yet?" I wondered, leaning against the counter as Joey walked off to go socialize. Unfortunately with how things had been this season, it did not look as if the Gophers would be able to have their WCHA playoff series in their home arena.

"They're speculating either Duluth, Wisconsin, or Mankato." She shrugged. "Those are all relatively close, driving distance at least."

"Yeah, I'd be up for that. Wanna room together?" I laughed slightly and she nodded her head.

"I'll bring the snacks."

"And I'll bring the entertainment." I chuckled. "Just a question, do you think you-know-who is going as well?"

"Not as a cheerleader, obviously, but I can't guarantee that she won't be there. I haven't invited her, and I don't think anyone else has. If you haven't noticed, no one really likes her." Kara bit her lip as she watched Hoef and Leah from across the room. "Plus, I hear Hoef is getting bored."

"Really?" I wondered, "I guess that's surprising, when I saw them together, he looked like he was into her."

"That's because he was fucking her." We both giggled. "But Joey just said that Leah's starting to get old."

"He can't handle the spunk?" I wondered, gazing at the couple casually. For the most part they looked like they were enjoying each others company, but every few minutes Mike's eyes would dance around the room as if he was looking for a way out.

"I guess not." She shrugged.

I stood there and talked with Kara for another ten minutes before I felt like I really needed to get out of my work clothes, and find Tony. I excused myself from the conversation before I made my way, slowly, out to the living room and then to the stairs. I got stopped a few times, pulled into casual conversations, but nothing that lasted more than a few minutes.

When I reached the top of the stairs, I scanned over the party, looking for Tony, but not seeing him. I shrugged and headed down to his room, thinking I might find him in there. I turned the handle and pushed the door open, noticing immediately that the door was unlocked and that the light was on. What I didn't expect though, was to see Tony sitting on the bed with a blonde girl who's boobs were about to pop out of her shirt.

"Oh." The word just slipped from my mouth in surprise as my eyebrows shot up my forehead. Tony turned towards me, jumping up from the bed immediately. The room suddenly felt extremely uncomfortable as I stared at my boyfriend who suddenly looked sheepish. "Sorry, I didn't realize this room was taken." I snapped. All of my insecurities about Tony and other girls came rushing back from the high school days as I stepped from the room and closed the door behind me.

Tears were blurring my vision for no apparent reason as I walked down the stairs. I didn't even know what Tony was doing with that girl in there. Maybe they were just talking, maybe she wasn't even interested in him, maybe I was overreacting. Or maybe she was trying to sleep with him. Tony's hand wrapped around my arm as I hit the bottom of the stairs. He turned me towards him as I shoved him away before making my way outside.

"I don't want to hear anything from you." I told him once we were outside. I dug around in my purse for my keys, annoyed when I couldn't find them anywhere. My hand searched as I reached my car, Tony still behind me.

"Don't leave, Brianna."

"How long were you up there, alone, on your bed, with that girl?" I asked him, my voice wavering as my keys cut against my fingers.

"Brianna, we were just-" His hand reached out for me, his fingers trying to grasp my arm to pull me into him, but I stepped back to put space between us.

"-talking?" I cut him off. "Really? What was your conversation about? Anything besides her huge tits that were all up on your arm?" I crossed my arms over my chest as Tony's eyes dropped to the ground.

"I don't understand why you're acting like this?" Tony finally spoke, his hands shoved into his pockets. "It's not like we were doing anything wrong."

"Tony, you were alone, in your room, for over a half hour, with some random girl, on your bed. Don't even act like if this was reversed, you wouldn't be upset with me."

"No, I wouldn't because I trust you." His eyebrows pulled into a frustrated line.

"That is such bullshit. You would immediately accuse me of sleeping with him."

"So you think I slept with her? Because I was up there alone with her for a half hour? Do I look sweaty? Does my hair look crazy? Do I look like I just blew a load?" Tony started to frantically wave his hands around and I could tell that he was starting to get angry. But the fact that he was acting like I had no right to be upset, really pissed me off. "Is my face flushed? Come on, Brianna, do you actually think I'd do that to you?"

"Good guys do bad things when bad influences are around." I narrowed my eyes at him and I could see that my words had taken Tony aback. His mouth dropped open slightly as he looked away from me with an incredulous laugh.

"Are you serious with me right now? You actually think that lowly of me? I'm not the same guy I was in high school. I'm not the guy who fucks anything that wants me. I have enough respect for you, myself, our relationship, and enough maturity to know a good decision versus a bad one. Give me some fucking credit, Brianna."

"Stop making me into the bad guy! I don't want you sitting with girls I don't know that have huge boobs and really nice clothes, on your bed, unsupervised!"

"Brianna! You're the one making me into the bad guy! You're accusing me of sleeping with someone while you were downstairs!"

"I never said that."

"Everything about you is implying it. I know you well enough to know what you're thinking, and you're not that great at hiding your emotions." He rolled his eyes at me and looked away. My gaze was immediately drawn to the ground as tears poked at the backs of my eyes. Maybe I was overreacting, but I couldn't help the bad feeling that was sloshing around in my stomach.

"You know what? This is just so great to know. I'm so glad my girlfriend thinks that lowly of me, that whenever I have an opportunity to cheat on her- I'll snatch it up. That's great. Makes me feel like a classy guy." Tony turned and started to walk back up to the house, not even checking to make sure I was safely tucked into my car.

"Tony." I called to him, my voice cracking slightly.

"I don't want to hear it." He called back to me before he walked into the house and slammed the door behind him. I jumped when the sound reverberated back to me off the houses and hard concrete around me. I thought about going after him, about running my hands up his chest to wrap around his neck and hold him close to me; but instead, I slipped into my car and drove away because that was easier than fixing it.
***

I tried to pretend I wasn't sulking on the couch as Kara moved around the kitchen and living room areas, tiding up for Joey who was due back within the hour. The boys had tied Denver on Friday night, the game Tony was forced to sit out of due to his fight the previous weekend with Darcy Zajac, but then lost 4-1 on Saturday night. The boys, I'm sure, were less than pleased with their performance, and would therefore be slightly cranky when they arrived back at Mariucci. However, I most likely wouldn't know how Tony was feeling, seeing as he hadn't talked to me since he slammed the door on Wednesday night.

I felt absolutely horrible about accusing Tony of those untrue things. I didn't know then, but I did now- after countless hours of analyzing- that I completely overreacted to the situation. In my mind though, I saw the blonde with the big boobs, thrusting up against Tony, but the more I thought about it, the more I remembered the amount of space between the two of them. Not only that, but I could still see the tears shining in the blonde's eyes. It was as if Tony was trying to talk to her, to give advice, more so than try to sleep with her. The more I analyzed the few moments I had seen them together, the more I realized there was nothing sexual about their positions at all.

And of course that made me feel like a huge bitch.

On top of the less than stellar performance of the Gophers and my fight with Tony, I was extremely sick with the flu. My nose was so clogged up that the only way I could sleep was if I took a large swig out of the Nyquil bottle. My eyes were so red and swollen that I was unable to put my contacts in, and I couldn't stand up without the immense pressure making my head sway on my shoulders. Yet, even though I was sick, I still had to work due to the fact that we were short staffed for the weekend. So I trudged through two double shifts on Friday and Saturday, sick and heartbroken, while my boyfriend was across the country from me.

"Do you want some soup?" Kara called to me from the kitchen.

"No." I mumbled to her, rolling onto my side and flipping through the channels on the TV.

"Are you going to wait until Ton is home?" She asked, walking into the living room and rearranging the magazines on the coffee table. She placed a glass of water on the table for me which I smiled appreciative for.

"No, I don't think he wants to see me. I haven't talked to him since…"

"That's probably because he's pissed." She pointed out obviously.

"Did Joey tell you anything?"

"Not really. Just that Tony was really quiet all weekend, but he did say he thinks part of that comes from his suspension."

"I don't know why. Tony didn't seem to be too phased by it when his dad told him."

"Yeah, but I think it's different when you're in the arena watching your team play without you." She insisted.

"That's true." I sighed as a pressure built up in my nose before my eyes watered and I rocked forward with a large sneeze. "Ow." I groaned, laying back against the couch.

"Gross." She wrinkled her nose, dipping from the room quickly.

I grabbed my phone from the kangaroo pouch of Tony's worn, Wayzata hockey sweatshirt. I loved the feel of the old sweatshirt on my body, not to mention the permanent smell of Tony the fabric held in its threads. I flipped through my contacts, finding Tony and opening up a new text.

Are you busy today?

I wasn't really expecting him to respond so when my phone jumped in my hand, my heart skipped a beat.

I'm studying.

I frowned deeply at that, not wanting to feel the little pinch of hurt in my heart. He still didn't want to see me, and although I couldn't really blame him, I couldn't help but feel completely put out by him. I placed my phone on the coffee table and shifted around on the couch. I passed the next half hour watching mundane TV as Kara filtered in and out of the room, checking the window every few minutes to see if Joey had arrived yet. When the brunette finally walked through the door, it didn't even take Kara five seconds to be in his arms.

"Hey Brianna." Joey called from the entry way.

"Hi Joseph." I waved to him over the top of the couch.

"Tony's probably home if you want to go see him." He called casually as him and Kara walked up the stairs.

"Is that your way of kicking me out?" I wondered. Neither of them responded, but Kara's loud giggle told me I probably wanted to leave.

I lazily hauled myself up off the couch, grabbing my jacket and purse as I walked from the house. I pulled my jacket tight around my cold body seeing as I had been running a fever off and on casually. I coughed as the cool air slipped into my lungs making them tense up and the organs to feel like they were on fire. I winced as I slid into my car, sparking the engine up and driving the few blocks to Tony's place. Normally, I would walk, but with how sick I felt and how cold it was outside, I didn't want to risk it.

The whole trip to the hockey house, I tried to coach myself to relax. This was Tony. He was my best friend and my boyfriend, and he would forgive me for being such an idiot. But my pep talk did nothing to prepare myself because when I pulled up to the house, I completely lost any sort of calm I had achieved from my soothing words. My heart sputtered and so did my lungs as I coughed after exiting the car. I hurried up the sidewalk, careful of the slippery ground beneath my UGGs. I knocked gently on the door, hoping a little too hard that Tony wouldn't be the one to open the door. However, when Mike Hoeffel stood at the door, I went back on that thought.

"Hey." He smiled gently. Things still felt incredibly awkward with Mike, which I guess was normal, but it made me want to claw my skin off. I hated the squirly feelings that danced along my body as I stood there, actually hoping for Tony to save me.

"Hi." I clattered out.

"Are you looking for Tony?" He gave me a cautious smile. I nodded and he stepped aside, letting me into the warmth and out of the wind that was starting to have a nasty bite to it. "I think he's in his room." Mike motioned for me to walk up the stairs which I did after slipping off my shoes and coat.

"Thanks." I muttered.

I made my way through the living room, noting that the boys who were there were actually quiet and studying, or just messing around on their laptops. It was weird for the house to have a hushed tone to it, and I almost felt like my footsteps were interrupting the silence. I climbed the stairs slowly, feeling dizzy from the unbalance pressure in my head and from the effort I was putting into walking. I was so rundown from working and being so sick that it actually felt like real exertion just by climbing the stairs. I reached Tony's room begrudgingly and I knocked gently against the wood.

"It's unlocked." Tony called quietly from behind the door. I slowly pushed the door open, seeing Tony sitting at his desk, textbooks open as he took notes. He turned at the sound of me entering, an emotionless look on his face.

"Hi," I whispered shyly, my cheeks flaming at the way he was looking at me. I could see his green eyes judging me, and I was truly embarrassed by my actions the last time I had seen him. He didn't welcome me with a hug and a kiss, but he didn't completely ignore me either, which I guess was something to be happy about.

"Hey." He nonchalantly greeted before he turned back around, beginning to flip through the pages in his book.

"Do you mind if I just lay down? I'm feeling really crappy right now, and Joey and Kara are at the house…" I trailed off quietly as Tony just shrugged his shoulders like he couldn't care less.

"Do what you want."

"Ton, I'm sorry. I was wrong." My voice was so soft as I spoke that I wasn't really sure he heard me, but the shake of his head told me he did.

"Whatever."

I frowned deeply as I stared at the back of his head, watching as his pen scribbled across the white paper. I sighed in defeat and walked over to his bed, flipping the covers back and sliding into his sheets. The soft scratching of Tony taking notes eventually lulled me to into a light sleep. However, I didn't get to enjoy it very long because a large coughing attack threw me up in bed shortly after I slipped unconscious. Tony whirled around to look at me, on his feet and on the bed quickly as he gently rubbed his hand over my back. His genuine look of concern made my eyes water along with the feeling of knives cutting my throat each time I coughed.

"Are you okay?" Tony asked after my coughs had softened. I just nodded because my throat was too raw to talk. "How long have you been sick?" Tony wondered, pushing me back gently to lay down. His hand rested against my forehead gently and he frowned worriedly. "Babe, you're burning up."

"Since Thursday night." I croaked out. He gently ran his hand over my hair, brushing my bangs back from my face as my eyes started to dip low and then close all together.

"Do you want me to get you some Advil?" He asked me.

"I want you to forgive me." I whimpered to him, wrapping my arm around his waist and burying my face into his thigh. "I'm sorry, Ton. I was so wrong, and I had no right to say any of those mean things to you. I don't think that you were doing anything with that girl. You were right, I was judging you like we were still in high school, and it was wrong. I trust you, but it's just so hard sometimes." Maybe it was because I felt incredibly emotional or incredibly ill, but I started to sob into his leg, which made my coughs that much worse.

"Calm down, Brianna." Tony murmured to me, his hand rubbing over my back. "Come on, sit up." He encouraged me, using his hands to move me into a sitting position. I hid my face in my hands, embarrassed by my tears and the snot on my face. "Here." He handed me a tissue, which I used to clean my cheeks and under my nose. "It's alright."

"You're not mad?" I croaked out. My throat was so raw that I was having a hard time talking.

"I was never mad." He whispered, "I was disappointed and hurt, yes, but I'm not mad at you."

"I'm sorry." I wailed at him.

"Brianna," He told me sternly. "You need to calm down. I'm going to get you some medicine and water, so just sit here tightly." He insisted before he left the room. Small sobs escaped my lips while he was gone, making me cough and my throat burn. "Alright, take these," he handed me two red pills. "And drink this." I did as I was told before setting the glass on his nightstand.

"Are you not going to talk about this with me?" I asked him, looking into his green eyes which watched over me worriedly.

"I don't think you can handle it right now."

"Tony, I'm dying. I just need you to tell me we're okay, that we'll make it over this."

"Honey, we're going to be fine." Tony chuckled slightly. "So we had a fight, big deal, it's fine. I'm not running in the opposite direction."

"But you're not forgiving me either." I whispered, looking down at my hands.

"Brianna, I love you more than I even know how to express to you, and honestly, sometimes it scares the crap out of me because of how strong my feelings are for you. I would be an absolute fool to be cheating on you. Yeah, I cheated on other girlfriends, but none of them meant this much to me." He brushed at my bangs again combing them back into my messy hair.

"I know. I was just stressed out and I jumped to conclusions. I don't know what came over me. I'm embarrassed."

"We were only in my room because of how loud it was out there, and I was trying to tell you that I was helping her with a boyfriend issue."

"Oh." A blush started to dust my cheeks as I bit my lip. All of a sudden the location made a lot more sense to me. "Right."

"It's okay, baby. But you have to trust me."

"I do, but sometimes I'm still scared that this isn't real." I whispered to him, wrapping my arms around him as he slid under the covers with me. I curled into his body heat to subside the chills rolling down my spine. "Sometimes it's hard to believe you're mine."

"I've always been yours, Brianna. Even when I was with someone else, I was always yours."