Listen to My Heart

"Hey baby," Tony murmured as he walked into the room, returning from his afternoon class. He kissed my cheek before heading to the fridge, opening the door and grabbing a Gatorade. "What are you doing?" He asked after taking a few gulps.

"Just looking through the paper to see if there is any places I can rent." I told him, furrowing my eyebrows at a picture of a two bedroom apartment that looked as if it had cockroaches in it. I shivered and immediately crossed that one out with my pink highlighter.

"For what?" He wondered, pulling out a chair next to me and slipping into it. He looked down at the newspaper.

"To live." I chuckled, shaking my head at him. Tony was quiet as I looked through the rest of that page before flipping to a clean one. So far, I had yet to see anything I actually liked.

"Why do you need a place to live…?" He asked, his voice open ended and confused.

"Because I can't keep staying here, Ton." I told him, glancing at his contorted face.

"Why not?" He asked, a wrinkle in his nose as he leaned back in his chair. He folded his arms across his chest, a hard edge starting to come across his face.

"Because this is your house that you share with your teammates. This isn't a place for me to be."

"You've stayed here before. You've been staying here for a week."

"Yes because I haven't had anywhere else to stay, and I haven't had time to look for somewhere else to live."

"So, what you're saying is that you don't want to live with me." He concluded, his lips pursed in annoyance.

"I didn't say that, Tony." Irritation stated to tug at my head making a slight pulse beat behind my eyes. "I just don't think this would be a good thing for us."

"Why not?" He practically growled at me.

"We've only been together for four months. We're not ready to live together."

"Brianna, we may have only been dating for four months, but we've known each other for so long. We practically know each other inside and out." Tony insisted.

"Ton, I know that, but this just isn't what is best for us."

"Why do you only get to decide what is best for us? Why don't I get a say? I don't want you living in some crappy apartment all alone."

"Kara is going to live with me, babe." I insisted, rolling my eyes at his exasperated expression. He could turn into such a teapot sometimes with his intense Italian attitude.

"No, she's living with Joey."

"What?" I furrowed my eyebrows deeper. "But I just talked to her a few days ago and she said she still wanted to live together."

"She's moving in this weekend." Tony told me with a shrug. I looked down at the newspaper, frowning at all the one bedrooms I had crossed out. I sighed, flipping back to the front and beginning to skim over the print again, this time looking for one bedroom places. "Brianna, it's not like you would be intruding on my space if you lived here." Tony spoke after a few minutes.

"Tony, I don't want to live in a place that has boy running around it at all hours of the day. I actually take studying seriously, I'm not here on a free ride. I work my ass off, and I take out student loans. No one else in this house does. I don't have time to party when I get home from work or class. I need to study, I need to unwind. I can't do that here. There is always something going on." Tony's nose began to wrinkle in irritation and I sighed, standing up and sliding over to him. I straddled his lap, grabbing his face with my hands on his cheeks, heels of my palms pushing his chin up to look at me. " I love you so much, and I know you want me to be with you all the time, and I want that too. But I just can't live here with all of your teammates. I just need my quiet time, and I don't want to be forced to leave in order to get that."

"I don't want you to live alone." Tony finally spoke after several minutes of silence, looking everywhere but at me.

"I can't live here." I whispered to him. He rolled his eyes at me, in frustration or annoyance, I really had no idea. He motioned for me to get up, which I did, and then he exited the kitchen with a shake of his head. "Don't be mad at me!" I yelled to him as I heard his footsteps on the stairs.

When he didn't pop his head back in, I sighed loudly, leaning against the wall. How didn't he understand why I didn't want to live here? Didn't he notice the constant noise and flow of people? Didn't he understand that living together so soon could break us? I collapsed back into my chair, looking down at the newspaper before shoving it aside. I wasn't in the mood to look for places to stay. I heard the front door open, glancing to the stairs to see Kara walking up.

"Hey." She greeted me with a smile, when I didn't return it, she frowned at me. "What?"

"When were you going to tell me you were moving in here?" I asked.

"Well, I wanted to tell you in person, but you've been busy with work and class."

"I thought we were still going to live together." I crossed my arms, looking at her as she shifted nervously.

"It's not that I don't want to live with you. It's just that… I want to be with Joey." She bit her lip nervously as she explained.

"You actually want to live in a house with all these guys? Even with all the parties they have? Kara, how are you going to study?"

"I'll come over to your place!" She exclaimed with a laugh. "Or go to the library. It just isn't a big deal to me. I like all the action and all the fun that goes on here all the time."

"You and Joey will never really have privacy."

"Then we'll sneak into his car." She giggled at me, smiling to try and lighten the sour look on my face. "Bri, I'm sorry, really. But this is what I want to do. Plus, maybe it would be fun for you to live on your own." She called over her shoulder at me before skipping away and heading up the stairs to her new room.

I decided to give Tony a little more time to calm down before I attempted to talk to him. I spent the next hour cleaning up the living room and kitchen, wrinkling my nose at how dirty and musty the place felt. I wasn't usually a neat freak, but after a week in this house, I was starting to see how I could become one. I squirted some Febreeze into the air, trying to cover up the smell of old pizza that had been left in a box on the couch. I placed the couch pillows back in their normal places before looking towards the stairs. I begrudgingly walked towards them, climbing up to the second floor and heading to Tony's room.

"Ton?" I called, knocking softly on his door. I pushed it open, finding him on his bed, laptop pursed on his thighs. He glanced up at me, biting his lip before shutting the computer and placing it on the floor. "Don't be mad. You don't have to like it, but I need you to just understand that this is what is best for me."

"Do you think it's what is best for us?" He asked, taking me into his arms. I curled into his body, setting my forehead against the crook of his neck and shoulder.

"Yes I do." I kissed the pulse in his neck, my nose pressing against his skin as I looked at him. "I really do, bug." Tony nodded, pulling me in tighter to him, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he didn't agree with me.
***

"Hair by Hughes and Crew." I spoke into the phone the last week in May, trying not to sound as frazzled as I felt. Coffee clung to me and rolled off of me in thick waves as I flipped through the large scheduling book, the client on the phone yapping into my ear. "Steph can get you in next Tuesday around seven, is that going to be okay with you?" I wondered, scratching in her name as she agreed to the appointment. "Alright, we'll see you then." I replied, setting the phone back in its cradle and resisting the urge to lean forward and smack my head against the desk.

Finals week was here, and because I was working double shifts, the only place I could study was my down time at either Starbucks, or my new job as a receptionist for a hair salon. I didn't particular enjoy either of my jobs, but it was a necessity now that I found a single bedroom apartment that ran at $700 a month. It was the only place I could find for this semester and the next school year, that didn't make me want to vomit at the site. It was pricey, but I was willing to pay for a heated garage, and a secure door.

I flipped back through the scheduling book and checked in the client who just walked through the door, just as my boss, Juliet, tapped my shoulder.

"Girl, you are stinking up this place with your coffee smell." She wrinkled her nose at me. "I can smell it through all the hairspray."

"Sorry." I bit my lip, scanning my eyes over my accounting notes, glaring at the way they began to slant when I had fallen asleep.

"Why don't you call it a day? I'll take over from here." She smiled at me. "Go home to that boy toy of yours." She winked. I gave her a weak smile, grabbing my things and sluggishly making my way to my car. When I reached my apartment, I slid my key into the door, rolling my neck to work out the kinks as my backpack fell to the floor.

"Tony?" I called out, knowing he was supposed to be here. My kicked my heels off, wincing at the dark lines ingrained into my feet. "Where are you?" I called out, reaching the kitchen and seeing the note in his handwriting.

Bri-

I've got to study big time for my finals tomorrow. I brought you some food, it's in the fridge. Sorry I couldn't wait until you got home. I love you, and I hope to see you soon."

-Tony

I frowned deeply, ignoring the slight burn in the back of my eyes. I was so exhausted that it was probably a good thing he wasn't here anyway. I bit my lip and walked to the fridge, finding the Chipotle on the top shelf, grabbing it and sitting on the couch in the living room. Things with Tony and I had been in a sort of rut lately, mostly because we hadn't seen each other, but also since I had moved out of the hockey house a few weeks ago. Tony preached to me he understood, but I knew part of him wanted to resist this move with everything he had in him. It didn't help that Kara was choosing to live with Joey, and that I had opted for a single instead of a roommate search. Tony felt distant, but overall, it felt like our relationship had experienced a shift. A shift that made a deep discomfort lodge into my hear.

I chowed down on my burrito bowl, grabbing my iPhone and dialing Tony's number, frowning when it went right to voicemail. "Hey babe, it's me. Sorry I got home so late. I had to work at both jobs. I thought I would get off earlier. Um, if I don't see you, good luck tomorrow. I love you. Bye." I clicked the end button, tossing my phone and breathing out a deep sigh. When did it become like this? I shook my head, swallowing and stepping into the bathroom, stripping my clothes off to wash off the coffee smell. My mind wandered as I worked up a lather with my shampoo.

"Tony." I giggled as he rocked me tightly against his chest. "It's not like I'm moving away." I ran a hand through his short locks.

"It feels like it." He mumbled as he kicked one of my boxes to the side. We had just finished bringing all of my belongings to my new apartment, located across campus from the hockey house.

"Oh, you and your bumble bee moped will get here just fine." I grinned at him, trying not to be affected by his dismal attitude. Tony looked around the place, wrinkling his nose at the stark white walls as it contrasted against the elaborate kitchen.

"The hockey house has so much character." He insisted.

"Yes it does, but this has everything I was looking for, including solitude." I told him, feeling the annoyance creep into my voice that I had to explain this to him again.

"It doesn't have me." He pouted, his lower lip jutted out in a way that made my resolve weaken.

"You're right." I nodded my head, closing the distance between us and propping my chin on his chest, head tilted up to him. "But it does have an infinite amount of alone time." I wiggled my eyebrows at him, watching his green eyes dilate just like I know they would. His white teeth skimmed against his bottom lip before he grinned widely.

"This place already looks better to me." He began to walk me back to my bedroom where the bed sat unceremoniously on the floor. I yelped as he pushed me back onto the mattress, diving into my cleavage with his teeth and tongue. I arched against him, holding his face to the half moons above the lace of my bra.

"Mmmm. This is much better than the hockey house." I tugged on his hair teasingly.

"Maybe I should move in." He perked up. "There's plenty of space for both of us."

"Tony." I warned him. "You already know the answer." He frowned immensely at me, sucking his cheeks in slightly.

"I know it, but I don't understand it like you do." He rolled away from me, sitting up and running an exasperated hand through his hair.

"Baby," i whispered to him, pulling my shirt down over my breasts. "Why don't you tell me why it bothers you so much?" I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, my hands falling down his chest. I kissed his temple, the shell of his ear, and down his neck, silently encouraging him to explain to me.

"I just feel like things are going to change." He murmured to me. "You're so far away here, and you're starting that new job off campus…" He trailed off. "I just don't like not knowing when I'm going to see you next." He brushed my bangs off my forehead, kissing my lips gently.

"Ton, we're going to be okay. It's going to be an adjustment, but we've dealt with crazy schedules before." I chuckled, kissing his nose.

"I'm usually on campus when I have my crazy schedule." He frowned seriously. I bit the corner of my lip, glancing around the room, looking for the right words to say. I didn't have them, but I spoke anyway with the only reassurance I could give him.

"Nothing is going to happen to us." I insisted, not sure if I was telling myself or him anymore. I leaned forward, sealing our lips like it was a promise and the truth

"Lie." A tiny voice in my head whispered to me, mocking the scene from a few weeks ago.

I ground my teeth in disgust, aggressively shutting the water off. I snapped the towel off the rail, scowling at my reflection in the slightly foggy mirror. Nothing had changed. Absolutely nothing.