Listen to My Heart

WINTER

My eyes scanned the article on the front page of the sports section, feeling dizzy at the words brain cancer and lymphoma being associated with Don Lucia. I swallowed hard, feeling my throat constrict as my thoughts drifted to a certain Junior forward on the Gopher hockey team. My mom had called earlier in the week to let me know Don wasn’t doing well and the doctors were having a difficult time understanding why. Test after test had been completed with little to no answers. When I hung up from talking to my mom, I had immediately texted Tony, not even thinking of our recent break up, and had told him I was thinking of him and his family. His response?

Thanks.

I had not expected anything overly joyful or loving, but I hadn’t expected the painful distance of one word. I still wasn’t used to this. I’m not even talking about the break up, but more so the lack of Tony’s presence in my life. He had held such high ranking in my life for so long that I still felt like something was missing when I awoke each morning. I glanced at the clock, seeing the time and sighing as I gathered my items to go to work. I was out the door 5 minutes later, ear buds in as I walked towards Coffman Union.

January in Minnesota was anything but friendly and the cold air nipped at the exposed skin of my face as I moved carefully over the slick sidewalks of Dinkytown. I puffed out a woosh of hot breath as my Uggs slid under my feet, regaining my balance as I waited to cross 4th street. As Taylor Swift floated through my headphones, my mind began to wander through the last two months without Tony.

Following busting my hand on the refrigerator, I decided it would be best to lay low for while. My hand healed nicely but my heart was still broken into a thousand jagged pieces. As a meager attempt at fixing the brokenness, I isolated myself from the hockey team and Tony’s family, convincing myself that a clean break was what was best for all of us. Joyce Lucia had other ideas. At first, she called and texted multiple times a day, however by Thanksgiving, she got the hint and stepped away, giving me the space I so desperately needed to get over her son. Thanksgiving came and went as did Christmas. The normal Christmas festivities happened with our families without me. It was too painful for me to be in that house with him and for us to be nothing to each other. That same night, Don began to feel ill and the Lucia family had been on a roller coaster of unknown since. Joyce and I had started conversing again the last week. I was doing my best to be whatever kind of support I could for the woman who had become a second mother to me. As an unspoken rule, we didn’t mention Tony. For now, it seemed to be enough.

Moving on has proven to be a lofty goal. I had loved Tony Lucia for so long that living a day without loving him felt foreign to me. Further, the way our break up happened had been so inconceivable to me. I always thought if Tony and I ended, it would be over something so huge and devastating, we could never manage to reconcile. I never expected it to be so cruelly casual. I didn't think we would drift apart and become strangers. Maybe if it had been dramatic and instantaneous, it would have hurt just a little bit less.

I was pulled out of my memories by a loud shout behind me. Seconds later, a snowball came flying beyond my head and hit the streetlight next to me. I glanced back, seeing a few members of the Gopher hockey team walking my way.

A tall brunette with stunning green eyes was in the back, hands stuffed in his pockets and head down as the group moved closer to me. His shoulders were slumped and he wore a knit hat over his brown locks. I could see his hair curling at the ends, figuring it had been months since his last haircut. I drank him in all the while desperately begging myself to look away. I couldn’t. This was the first time I had seen Tony in months and drinking him in was as necessary as breathing. I felt my heart drop into my stomach as he lifted his gaze, meeting mine with such intensity that it forced me to look away. I turned back around, and attempted to cross the street before they reached me.

Joey Miller had a different agenda.

“Brianna!” He called out to me. I cringed knowing that it would look like I was running away after I had just clearly made eye contact with Tony.

“Hi,” I murmured, pulling my earbuds out one at a time. “Look at you fancy boys.” I tried to smile naturally as Joey, Tony, David Fischer, and Ryan Flynn all came to a stop in front of me.

“Where have you been?” Joey asked me with a twinge of hurt in his voice as Tony avoided looking in my direction. Despite the cold, my face became warm as I shuffled under his obvious ignoring of my presence.

“Just working.” I shrugged. “Who do you play tonight?”

“Brown,” Flynn answered as him and David ducked around the three of us.

“Well, good luck!” I replied cheerfully, attempting my escape as well, but that damn Joey Miller grabbed my arm, holding me in place.

“Tony has an extra ticket for today and tomorrow if you were interested.” He stepped aside so he was no longer between Tony and I. The change in positions made it so Tony had to deliberately turn his head to not look at me.

“Mills, I doubt she is interested.” Tony insisted quietly, attempting to walk behind Joey and continue down to where David and Flynn were still walking towards Mariucci.

“I actually have to work all weekend.” I lied to Joey, biting the inside of my cheek to stop the tears from materializing in my eyes. Tony’s obvious annoyance with my presence made it feel like my heart had been dipped in battery acid.

“See.” Tony pointed out as he shrugged to Joey. “Have a good night.” Tony muttered as he once again tried to move around Joey.

“Looch, stop being so rude.” Joey snapped, stepping in front of Tony again. “Regardless of whatever happened between the two of you, she has been your best friend since high school. How about showing her some damn respect?”

“Seriously?” Tony snapped as he sharply stepped back from Joey’s grasp. “What am I supposed to say to her?!” He glanced at me, “What am I supposed to say to you? Hey! How’s it going, sorry I don’t love you anymore?” I stumbled back at that, putting a hand to my heart as if that would hold the already shattered pieces together. I thought this whole break up hadn’t been about how much he loved me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that it so obviously wasn’t there anymore.

“Wow.” I breathed out, tears blurred my vision as Tony kept yelling to Joey.

“I have nothing to say to her. I said everything I needed to in her apartment months ago. So quit trying to force this upon both of us when it’s pretty damn clear, we would rather be anywhere else. As if I don’t have enough shit on my mind already.” He finished as he threw a shoulder into Joey, pushing him to the side.

“You’re a real asshole, Lucia.” Joey called after him.

“Yeah and you’re a real dick.” Tony yelled as he hustled towards Mariucci.

“The stuff with his dad is really getting to him.” Joey offered to me as an apology.

“Thanks for that.” I motioned to where Tony had just stood. “As if it didn’t hurt enough before. It was so healing to hear him yell out to half of Dinkytown that he doesn’t love me anymore. That should help me get over him.” Tears freely flowed down my face as I turned, flying across the street before Joey could get me to stay.

I was still cursing Joey Miller’s existence when his girlfriend came bustling into Starbucks later that evening. I sighed as she charged right up to the counter, budging in front of the five people in line, muttering a half meant apology as she took over the space in front of me.

“Dear God, Joey is such an idiot. I am so sorry. I don’t know what he was thinking!” She shook her head, hands slamming down on the counter.

“Kara-“ I started, glancing at the customers behind her who looked less than pleased.

“You get a break here, right? Can you take it now?”

“No..” I trailed off, gesturing to the line of people. She glanced over her shoulder, giving a dismissive wave.

“This place isn’t even busy. Meet me out here in 10 minutes.” She tapped the counter as she sauntered away, throwing over her shoulder that I should get her a green tea.

“You always have known how to make an entrance.” I muttered to her, setting her drink down and slumping into the chair. I ran my hand over the top of my hair, brushing out my pony tail with my fingers.

“You only look slightly like crap.” She smiled at me across the table.

“This is what interacting with Tony Lucia does to me.”

Kara was quiet across from me, looking over my features as she contemplated what she was going to say to me.

“You know I would never excuse Tony’s behavior today..” She started

“Why do I have a feeling you’re going to?”

“I am not, I just..” She trailed off, trailing her pointer finger over the lid of her cup. “He’s going through a lot.” She finished with a shrug. Her blue eyes looked up at me with sadness spilling out of them. “He is having a tough time with what Don is going through.. and he is lashing out. Not just at you, but everyone.”

I looked away as she spoke, my eyes darting into the bookstore as they prepped to close the doors for the evening. Don and Tony had always been close. Even though Tony playing for Don meant that there needed to be a few more degrees of separation, it really had not changed the fundamentals of their bond. I ran my teeth over my bottom lip, focusing back on Kara.

“I’m not sure why you’re telling me this. He has made if pretty clear he isn’t interested in my support.”

“Brianna. He is struggling to deal with all of this and your break up.” I rolled my eyes, my arms slamming on the table as I brought them down.

“Yeah, he has been pretty damn broken up about it. So broken up that he hasn’t bothered to contact me in months.” I shook my head. “Like it wasn’t bad enough to lose my boyfriend; I lost my best friend that night too. And now I’m supposed to just throw myself into a forced friendship with him? I’m supposed to just let everything go and rush to be there for him? Do the opposite of what his actions portray because I know him well enough to know that pushing me away isn’t what he actually wants?” A few unwanted tears grew in my eyes as anger bubbled in my chest.

“You know that is not what I’m saying.” She shrugged simply, not allowing my emotions to deter her. “I just think you both would feel better about Don’s situation if you had each other, in whatever way felt right.” She reached around for her purse. “As for Joey and his decisions tonight to try and handle it, I’m sorry. He knows better than to force a hot headed Italian to stay put.” She glanced down at her Kate Spade watch before reaching down to hug me. “Come with us to the game tomorrow. It will be fun!” I let out a bitter laugh, standing and adjusting my apron.

“Over my dead body.”
___

“Well, I guess you’re dead!” Jess laughed at me as Kara and I slid into our seats next to her the following night.

“I would just like to go on record and state I was forced here against my will.” I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest.

“You’re fine.” Kara insisted, shrugging off her coat as the Gophers took the ice for the first period.

Mariucci arena clapped along politely to the rouser as the Gophers skated below us in a white frenzy. My eyes immediately found Tony, my heart yearning for him even as it seemed to break all over again. I wondered if this feeling would ever stop. The bittersweet taste of getting to be in the same place as him, all the while wanting to run in the opposite direction. My eyes drifted from Tony to the bench where Don Lucia’s absence was noticeable. I glanced a few sections over, frowning deeper when the Lucia family was not in their usual seats. My mind raced at the possibilities as my eyes settled back over Tony. There was a hard and angry edge to his stature as his feet shuffled against the slick ice. I watched as his eyes glanced to the right to where his family usually was before he set his steel gaze on the opponents at the other end of the ice.

The game went by quickly as the Gophers absolutely manhandled Brown to gain a 6-2 win. Tony was barely visible on the ice tonight, minus the fact that he was throwing his body around in an effort to hit out his aggression. Surprisingly, number 12 kept it clean and stayed out of the box. I guess I was the only one he was interested in throwing the gloves down with this weekend. I stood up as Jess and Kara lingered in their seats, slipping my coat over my shoulders and putting the buttons into place.

“I’m going to-“ I started as Kara cut me off without even looking up from her phone.

“AS IF you’re leaving already.”

“Kara.” I whined, “isn’t it enough that I came?”

“I don’t know, Brianna. Is it enough after being friends with the guy for 7 years?”

“Okay, for the final time. Tony Lucia and I broke up two months ago. We are no longer together. As in, we are not dating. We are no longer even friends. There is absolutely no reason for me to stick around here and casually chat with him about his life.”

“Well, you have to start somewhere, so it might as well be here.” She shrugged as she stood, shooing me up the stairs. I tried to make a beeline for the escalators but Kara and Jess flanked both sides of me and began to guide me to the elevators where the players usually came up. “It will never get easier if you don’t just try.” Kara insisted, “you two are too important to each other for this to keep dragging on. And, in all honesty, I cannot keep being friends with you two when you’re like this. It’s exhausting trying to keep up with the weekly versions of why you two can’t be together.”

“Considering Tony just told me yesterday, very aggressively, how not in love with me he is, I’d say that’s the final chapter of this story.” We reached the players elevator and I let out a small whimper as I saw Tony already on the concourse, heading our direction to exit Mariucci. He was looking down at his phone with his eyebrows knitted together in concentration as Kara called out to him.

“Looch!” She called as we got closer to him. “Look who we brought for you!” She shoved me forward as I tired to resist. My feet got tangled together causing me to fall forward. Tony glanced up from his phone just in time for him to catch me against his chest. His arms secured me to him as his phone fell from his hands, crunching into the concrete. Tony’s arms tightened instinctively around me as he looked down into my face. Time seemed to stand still as I breathed in the scent of his body wash, his warm breath dancing across my face as he let out a small huff.

“Ah..” I started, swallowing as my mouth went dry at how close his lips were to mine. Tony slowly released his grip, placing his hands on my hips to help steady me. “Kara..” I insisted as I pointed in the direction where she was standing. Her and Jess had long since skipped off to their boyfriends. “She pushed me.” I concluded as his hands dropped from my hips. I crossed my arms over my chest trying to protect my bruised heart from him. I glanced down at his phone, picking it up and seeing the screen shattered. “Sorry about that.” I said as I handed it back to him.

“Don’t worry about it.” He insisted, flicking off a piece of popcorn that had stuck to the screen. He didn’t move to walk away and I glanced behind me at Kara who was motioning for me to keep the conversation going.

“I noticed your dad wasn’t here tonight.” I started off, puling at the sleeves of my sweatshirt with my finger tips.

“Yeah, he is at home.” Tony offered, stuffing his cracked phone into his pocket as he pulled out the keys to his bumble bee moped.

“I’m really sorry you are going through this.” I whispered, attempting to cross the bridge between us and meet in the middle. “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.” Tony’s eyes came back to mine and for a brief moment, I got a glimpse into his world. The suffering shone back to me through the green of his eyes as his eyebrows pulled together in agony. As fast as it came, the glimpse was gone as his walls slammed back up.

“Thanks.” He muttered, rubbing the back of his neck in impatience. “Look, I know Kara and Joey keep trying to force us to get together or whatever. I figure you’re as uninterested as I am, so maybe we just try to make the best of all their snooping and keep everything light.”

“Sure..” I responded, looking down at my Nike’s. When I looked back up, I noticed his hesitation in walking away. He wouldn’t look into my eyes and it killed to feel the tension and awkwardness blanketing us. “So, you don’t want me to ask about your dad?” I whispered to him in a fleeting moment of courage, trying not to let the pain seep into my heart.

“It’s too hard to talk about with you.” He whispered his voice dripping with emotion. I glanced up into his face, seeing the agony so prevalent as he tried to put his mask up to me again. To turn himself into the big bad wolf of an ex-boyfriend that he had to try so damn hard to be.

“Tony… you don’t need to do this alone.” I reached out for his hand, seeing the opportunity to try and pull him out. I tried to reach for him and bring him back to me, but he was gone before I could save him from himself.

“Yes I do and I sure as hell can’t do it with you.” He said simply as he stepped out of my reach, walking around me and into the unforgivingly cold air.