Listen to My Heart

A week later, I found myself slowly filtering through the doors of Blarney’s, the local water hole on campus. The Saturday night crowd was shuffling their way into the warmth as I wrapped my arms around myself to keep the chill out. Jess and Kara were with their men ahead of me, laughing at a joke I couldn’t hear. I blew my breath out in a quick puff, trying to keep my mind calm as I thought of the potential of Tony being inside. Just the idea of seeing him made me crave the taste of vodka on my lips.

“You look cute.” Kara turned to me as I shrugged my jacket off once we walked in. I looked down at my purple sweater, shrugging as I motioned to the bar.

“I need a drink.” She laughed as we wove our way around the bar, each of us grabbing a vodka with cranberry juice. “Where did Joey go?” I asked, scanning the crowd and not seeing him in the vicinity.

“He went to find the guys.” She motioned to the back corner where the hockey team tended to gather. We began to weave our way through the crowd, narrowly avoiding the sloshing of cups in our path. I tried to convince myself that I was indifferent, that I didn’t care if Tony was here or not. If he was, my plan was to ignore him like he wanted me too. If he wasn’t, then whatever.

When we reached the back corner, my eyes immediate found the hockey player in question. He was slumped in a bar stool, nursing a beer and a shot of Jack Daniels. He was talking with David Fischer who wore a neon orange trucker hat and a light denim vest with no shirt underneath. As Kara and I infiltrated into the group, Tony’s eyes locked on me. He gave me a look I couldn’t quite decipher as he downed the rest of his Jack in one gulp.

“I’m going to get more whiskey.” Tony told David, sliding past him. “Sorry..” He muttered as he slipped past me as well, his hands holding my hips in place as he exited the group. My eyes trailed after him for a second before I pushed out a deep breath. Okay, the first interaction was done. Now I could go on with my night.

I found myself immersed in conversation with Ryan Flynn, Joey, and Kara talking about everything from hockey to school to the latest episode of The Office. We all laughed at Joey’s Kevin impression as I sucked up the last bit of my drink. I shook it at Kara, exiting the circle and walking my way back to the bar. I tapped my hand lightly to the beat of the music as I waited for the bartender to bring a new drink to me. I glanced down the bar, seeing Tony sucking down another shot of Jack before he chased it down with a swig of his beer. He was talking to a blonde I had never seen before. She was laughing and leaning against him, squeezing her breasts together and flipping her hand through her hair every time he talked. I frowned, ignoring the horrible pinch in my chest as he gave her an easy smile. He isn’t yours, Brianna . I huffed at that, grabbing my drink and turning back to cross the bar.

“Hey, beautiful.” A guy I recognized from the football team stopped me before I could get even a foot from the bar. “Brianna, right?” He asked, “I think we had psych together freshman year.” He was holding two Budweisers in his hands as I looked into his face trying to place his name.

“Oh yeah, Kyle right?” I asked.

“Yeah! What have you been up to?” He wondered, stepping forward as a group of people slid between him and the table behind him. He was clearly a little tipsy as he bumped into me, making one of his beers spill out onto the floor. “Oh shit..” He laughed, shaking the beer from his hand.

“Ah, just working and school. What about you? How is football? Well.. I guess you are probably done for the year.”

“Yeah, we are just doing some off the field training like weight lifting and what not. The grind never stops.” He gave me an easy grin, his blue eyes sparking in the neon lights hanging from the bar. “I like your necklace.” He pointed out the silver heart that nestled perfectly against my chest. I reached up to touch it out of habit, looking down at the heart.

“Oh thanks. It was a gift from my dad.” I mentioned. Kyle was opening his mouth to say something when a large commotion combined with yelling came from my right. I glanced over just in time to catch Tony slam his hands into the chest of a guy who must have had 20 pounds of muscle on him and a good 6 inches.

“Say that to my fucking face, douche bag!” Tony yelled in the guys face.

“You’re a fucking pussy, Lucia.” The guy scoffed back at him. “You’re about as worthless to this team as your daddy is.” I sucked in a breath as I instinctively pushed my way through the crowd to get to Tony.

“You’re gonna pay for that.” Tony howled just as Joey stepped between them, hands on Tony’s chest to knock him back. Tony was drunk enough that he stumbled, falling to the floor of the bar. He took a few barstools out with him. Joey reached out to help him up, steadying the blonde who had been dying for Tony’s attention just a moment ago. She looked less impressed as she smoothed her barely flustered hair.

“Get the fuck off me, Miller.” He bellowed, setting his eyes back on the guy he was trying to fight, who let out a belly laugh at the sight of the enraged Italian. “I’m gonna kick your ass.” Just as Tony pushed Joey to the side, I stepped in front of Tony, setting my hands on his chest. It felt like staring down the barrel of a gun as his green eyes locked on mine. “Brianna. Move. Right. Now.” His teeth were gritted and the tendons in his neck strained with each word.

“No. He is not worth it.” I insisted to Tony, not breaking eye contact. “He has nothing to lose from this. You have everything.” I reminded him sternly, holding my ground even as I wanted to run in the opposite direction.

“I don’t give a shit. This fucker just told me my dad is worthless.” Tony jabbed a finger at the guy. “And I’m gonna make him pay for that dumbass comment.”

“Your dad does not need this on top of everything else. Let’s walk away.” I told him, lightly putting pressure on his chest. Tony’s breathing was erratic and his eyes were wild as he stared the other man down. After what felt like minutes, Tony finally turned to head back to the bar.

“Chicken shit.” The guy muttered. “I hope your dad is so fucked after this that he can never coach again. It would be the best thing that could happen for the team.” I watched Tony’s shoulder muscles clenched tightly before he whirled back around and launched himself around me. Luckily, the Blarney’s security guard stepped in, grabbing Tony by the collar of the shirt and forcefully shoving him towards the door.

“You’re done for the night, Looch.” The security guard escorted him from the bar as I pushed my way to the door. Tony looked distraught as the light passed over his face. I picked up my pace, the heels of my boots sliding on the beer covered floor. I stumbled slightly as I reached the door, squeaking through it just as Tony let out a strangled yell.

“Why is this fucking happening to me?” He howled out in pain, his hands thrusting into his hair.

“Tony,” I grabbed his arm when I finally reached him and tried to pull his 6 foot frame to a stop. He whirled around at me and the look in his green eyes caused me to take a small step back.

“What!?” He screamed at me. His green eyes changed instantly as his eyes looked into mine. The pain and hurt were coming to the surface and bubbling over. “What the fuck do you want?” He choked out to me, looking away and stuffing his hands in the pocket of his letter jacket, trying to feign indifference. His nose scrunched as he looked away, his bottom lip trembling slightly.

“Ton.” I reached out again, putting a calming hand on his chest. “It’s okay.” I told him, stepping in front of him and pushing him back against the building. “It’s all going to be okay. Don is going to be okay.” Joey and Kara spilled from the bar and I held my hand up to keep them away.

“What if it isn’t!?” He exclaimed, taking off his hat and thrusting his fingers through his hair. “What if it’s cancer? What if he dies?” He choked on the last word and he put his hands on his head and doubled over.

“Tony.” I whispered his name again, leaning over and putting my hand on his back to steady him. I would have done anything in that moment to take his pain away. To wrap my arms around him and absorb it into my body so he didn’t have to feel even an ounce of it anymore.

“Baby.. I can’t..” He whispered through his tears. “I can’t be here anymore. Please.” His breathing was erratic and I could feel him coming undone under my touch. My heart skipped a beat hearing him call me baby and the first layer of my resolve was shattered.

“Okay, let’s go home.” I told him, reaching down and lacing our fingers together. “Come on.” I encouraged as he turned and started to stand up again.

“I can’t go back to the house.” He referenced the hockey house.

“I know. We will go to my place.” I assured him as he stood to his full height, puffing out a deep, white breath swirled between our faces.

Tear tracks were racing down his face as he struggled to breathe between the emotions and the cold winter night. I purposefully made my face neutral, not showing any ounce of the pain and turmoil I felt inside. My face needed to be a mask of neutrality or he would slam his concrete walls back up. As we started walking towards the Como neighborhood where we lived, his hand squeezed mine so hard that I felt it going numb within seconds. I reached out and put my other hand on his arm, attempting to steady him with my touch.

We were silent the entire way to my apartment except for the occasional sniffle out of Tony. When we reached our destination, I grabbed my keys, flipping the lock and letting him inside. He shrugged off his coat, placing it on the coat rack before he leaned down and sat against the wall. For the first time since I saw him swing at the man in the bar, I felt unsure. Like maybe this was the wrong choice. I shouldn’t be here, in this place, with him. To be his hero right now would be costly tomorrow. It was a slippery slope of despair and I could feel myself teetering on the edge as I took in his slumped form.

I swallowed and let out a slow, shaky breath as Tony’s red eyes looked into mine.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered to me and I knew it had nothing to do with what was happening tonight, a week ago or even months ago.

“I know.” I told him honestly, my eyes filling with tears as the emotions broke through on my face. I bit down on my lip, pushing out another steadying breath. “I know.” I told him again because I didn’t know what else to say as I broke our gaze.

“I’m so sorry.” He reiterated, reached his hand out to me. I took it with zero hesitation, not thinking of anything else but the feel of his skin against mine. He pulled me down to the floor and wrapped his arms around me, enveloping me in his scent and warmth. I felt him shudder as his tears returned. I threaded my fingers through his hair and placed my lips next to his ear.

“You’re not alone. I’m right here.” He nodded in response as I moved to straddle his lap, letting his face fall against my breasts as his hands instinctively went to my hips. My fingers laced loosely on his neck, holding him there. We stayed in that position as the minutes passed, silent but together as Tony finally let himself feel everything he had been trying to shield himself from. The pressure, the sadness, the unknown, the anger had all come crashing down on him and the only way to get through it was to let it run him over like a freight train. There was nothing I could do except hold him through the impact.

Suddenly, Tony pulled his head up and surprised me by placing his lips against me. The kiss was warm and familiar. He tasted like whiskey and need as his hands slid from my hips to my butt, grinding our hips together as his arousal grew. The familiarity and suddenness completely overtook my body and I felt myself lose focus on what was happening. I moaned into his mouth and I felt his lips form a slight smile as he leaned forward, causing me to lay on my back on the floor. He pulled his lips from mine, placing wet kisses along my neck before he began to move down my chest. His hands slid to my breasts over the fabric of my sweater, his thumbs sliding against my nipples as my back arched to encourage him. It had been so long since I had been touched like this and my natural need outweighed my reason.

“You’re so beautiful.” He mumbled against my skin, pulling at my sweater, pushing it off to the side as his lips pressed against the exposed skin of my breasts. “God, I need you so much.” My hopeful heart swelled in my chest at his words. He moaned to me as his hips pressed into mine again. He was hard and ready.

Tony became eager then, his hands expertly unclipping my bra and his lips immediately attaching themselves to my pink nipples. Any chance of stopping him shattered as his lips worked against my sensitive skin. My hand went to the back of his neck, holding him there as my eyes closed in ecstasy.

“Tell me you want me.” His hot breath danced against my wet nipple, turning the heat up a notch while his hands drifted to my jeans, unbuttoning them.

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted.” I told him truthfully as he pulled my jeans off my legs, pushing my panties to the side and sliding his fingers against the wet folds beneath.

“Mmm, you’re ready.” He insisted, sliding one finger in as his lips found my hardened nipple again.

“Ton.” I breathed out as he had his way with me, my skin tingling with every movement, touch, and breath. “You’re not naked enough.” I insisted to him realizing he was still completely clothed. I pushed at his letter jacket as he leaned back, helping me shrugging it off. He whipped his sweater off in one fluid motion, exposing his muscles to me. My hands immediately found his abdomen, feathering down to the strip of hair that disappeared in the waistband of his jeans.

His lids lowered with lust before shut completely as I reached into his jeans, pulling out his impressive length. I pumped my fingers up and down his shaft as his breathing picked up again. Right before I felt the control shift in my favor, he leaned down and gently scooped me up. He stood, kicking off his jeans and leading us down the hall to my bedroom. His lips were on mine the entire time, gently nibbling and probing my mouth until I felt like I was going to come undone in his arms.

He kicked my bedroom door open fully, walking to the bed and setting me down. He kissed his way down my body to the apex of my thighs. He didn’t break eye contact as his tongue touched me. I opened my mouth but no sound came out as he suckled my sweet spot, making dots appear before my eyes. God, was he good at that. It took very little coaxing from Tony’s mouth before I was coming apart, exploding into a million pieces and quivering beneath his tongue. He smiled as he kissed his way back up my body, his lips connecting with mine again. He tasted like hot sex and I wrapped my legs around his waist, pressing his erection into my folds.

“Um.. do you have a condom?” He asked me. I pulled away and nodded, pointing to the nightstand. He grabbed the foiled wrapper from his stash, ripping it open and sliding the rubber down his shaft. He re-situated himself between my thighs and I cried out as he slowly slid in to me.

“Mmm,” I whimpered to him as he slowly pushed himself forward.

“I know, I’ll make it better.” He insisted, fussing over my lips as his thumbs brushed my nipples again. “Tell me when.” He whispered against my lips as I felt myself adjusting to his size. I nodded my head at him and he began to pull himself out before thrusting back in. Tony blew out a heavy sigh, muttering “fuck” under his breath as we began to move in perfect sync.

It wasn’t long before we were both withering against each other, climaxing within seconds of each other before Tony collapsed, using his arms to hold some of his weight off of me. My chest rose and fell erratically as the afterglow descended on me. I ran a hand through his hair, turning to kiss his cheek gently, causing Tony to stir. He slowly pulled out of me and headed down the hall to the bathroom to clean up. My body shuddered at the absence of his warmth and weight.

When he returned, he wordlessly climbed back into bed and gathered me into his arms. His green eyes searched my face with concern, what for, I’m not sure. He didn’t seem to find what he was looking for as he gave a small smile, kissing my lips again before I ducked my head into the curve of his shoulder, feeling slightly overwhelmed at the thought of what just happened. As the afterglow faded, the rational part of me was returning and my mind began to race.

Holy shit.. what did we just do.

My heart began to pound and I felt the panic rising up my throat. My cheeks became flushed and I resisted the urge to pull myself away completely. What if this was it? What if this was the defining moment that put us back on track? Or, what if I woke up tomorrow morning and he said it was a mistake? How could I recover from that?

I pulled back to ask Tony where we were supposed to go from here. Tony’s eyes had slid shut and his mouth was slightly open. His grip around me had loosened a smidge as his small sleepy breaths puffed out in a rhythmic motion. For the first time in months, the tension was gone from his face. He finally looked at peace. I guess laying naked and satisfied in my bed was all it had taken. I reached my fingers up, cupping his cheek as I leaned forward and feathered a kiss against his lips again, trying to memorize the feel of them incase we woke up tomorrow morning and my world ended all over again.

Realizing I would get no answers tonight, I ducked my head again and allowed Tony’s warmth to slowly lull me to sleep.