Listen to My Heart

"So, how do you think last night went?" Kara asked me as I sat at the table in our kitchen swirling my finger around the rim of the coffee cup.

"Terrible. I never expected to like her. I thought she would be an idiot, like she wasn't using any of her brain space, but apparently she has to be smart. She's going into the pharmacy field. That is a lot of chem and math." I sighed, groaning and placing my forehead against my hands. "Kara, how am I going to get rid of her?"

"Brianna, you have to be careful. You can't just plot ways to kick her out of his life. You know as well as I do that if Tony wants to be with her, he will be."

"What about me? What about what I feel and what I want?" I whined, knowing I really had no right to be complaining about this when it was my fault that Tony had no idea what he was doing to me. Maybe Kara and Joey were right, I should have told him so that he would at least know, and then if he still wanted to be with her, fine, I could deal.

"Do you really want me to answer that?" She asked, grabbing her backpack and slinging it over her shoulder. She glanced down the hallway to where the front door was, sighing when we heard the tell tale sign of Tony's shoes hitting the wood of the porch. "He would show up after being MIA last night." She snorted, walking to the door as I stayed silent.

Kara was right about Tony being MIA last night. After he introduced me, he went downstairs with Joey and when he came back up, he went straight to Leah before he left two hours later to go God knows where with her. I think my heart cracked when I watched him walk out the door without even an acknowledgment. It was like I had blended into the background. I had talked to Leah for a little bit while Tony was gone, long enough to get the sense that she was a nice girl, and pretty to boot. The whole night made me feel helpless and set me into a bad mood that Tony was probably about to experience.

The star of my imagination walked into the kitchen, calling goodbye to Kara as he held up a bag from Bruegger's, pulling out an egg, ham, and cheese sandwich. I looked at him, mumbling a thanks. He set down a cup from Starbucks as well, grabbing my cup of coffee and dumping it out in the sink.

"I was drinking that." I told him, rolling my eyes at his forwardness.

"I got you something better." Tony shrugged, sitting down across from me at the table.

"Yeah, but that doesn't mean you take it away without asking." I snapped at him.

"Well, I'm sorry." Tony spoke with caution, realizing I was irritated with him. "Is your attitude about the coffee or are you just exceptionally crabby today?"

My eyes lifted off the bagel I was unwrapping and up at him. The corners of my eyes squinted at him, my lips pursing as I attempted to hold back the thousands of things I wanted to say to him. Over the years, all my thoughts and emotions have smashed together and built up, the pressure almost unbearable at times like this, times when I want to scream how I feel at the top of my lungs.

"Is it me?" Tony questioned, sitting up straighter and reaching for the lanyard resting on the table. "Because I can leave."

"Bye." I wasted no time in waving him towards the door.

I was so frustrated with the situation and hurt that Tony left me last night to go fuck his new girlfriend. Okay, so, I didn't know that for sure, but I had a good feeling. Tony stood up immediately, stomping out of the kitchen and to the door. I didn't even bat an eye, continuing to eat my breakfast sandwich in slow bites. His steps stopped before the door opened followed by a few moments of silence, and a loud sigh. His footsteps were heard coming back into the kitchen a moment later.

"Is this about last night?" I glanced up at him, swallowing and shrugging my shoulders just to get him more irritated. He gave me an annoyed look before slumping back into his seat. "Brianna, can you tell me so we can get over it?" I laughed loudly at that, almost spitting out my mocha. I could just imagine the look on his face when I confessed my love for him. Because that was the real problem, it was the fact that I was head over heels in love with him, and nothing would come from it.

"Figure it out, Ton. You're a smart guy." I informed him, taking another bite of my bagel. I was intrigued to hear his answer.

"Look, I'm sorry I left last night, but you were talking with Kara, and Leah was really tired. I had to walk her home."

"Really? How far away does she live from the hockey house?" I asked him, faining curiosity.

"A couple blocks." He shrugged.

"It takes over two hours to walk a couple blocks?" I snapped at him. He didn't say anything, not that he really could; I busted his argument. "Tony, it is not okay for you to blow me off to fuck your girlfriend. Just remember who has always been there for you." I hissed, shoving my chair back with a loud scrape and stalking from the kitchen. Tears burned my eyes and blurred my vision as I became painfully aware that Tony and Leah were already screwing around. It just made me realize that Tony was interested in every girl, but me, the only girl who really knew him. I shouldn't be surprised. Compared to his other girlfriends, I was frumpy, boring, and practically worthless.

I collapsed onto my bed, burying my face in my pillows, and trying not to cry. I've spent too many of my days and nights crying over Tony since I was 13 years old, and each time I fell asleep with tears on my face, I always said I wouldn't cry over him again. But I was never really done. I laid in the comfort of my bed, taking in deep breaths as a few, humiliating tears went down my cheeks, making my eyes and nose red. I always hated the burning of my lungs, eyes, and nose when I cried. It was just another wave of pain that I had to deal with while my heart was shattering into a million pieces.

I felt Tony's hand on my back a few moments later, his fingers running along the cloth of my sweatshirt and then along the bare skin where the fabric had ridden up. My body shook from the feel of his calloused skin against my lower back. Tony thought my shudder was a sob and leaned down to whisper into my ear, doing nothing for the goosebumps that trailed down my limbs.

"I'm sorry, Bri. You're right; I shouldn't have left you alone. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings, but I was being selfish and that isn't okay." He kissed my cheek, hand still running over my back to try and comfort me. His touch felt so good to the point where it make me feel okay, like if our skin was touching, the world could still turn no matter what was going on around us.

"It is not fair for me to be put on the back burner because you have a girlfriend." I croaked out, turning over and letting him see the tears. He cringed slightly, his eyes taking on a guilt ridden color.

"I know. I promise it won't happen again." He whispered, leaning down to kiss my forehead. His lips lingered for a moment passed friendship, making me wonder how he was comforting me. He pulled away and there was an undisclosed emotion in his green eyes that made the tiny bit of hope grab ahold of my heart, which had been defeated minutes ago.

We were silent for a few moments, letting me calm down and for Tony to pull himself together. His hands were resting in his lap as he looked out the window while I studied him. His hair was tousled, eyes soft, actually, his whole appearance was soft. It was moments like this, when he looked so approachable and friendly, that it was hard to believe he could be such a jackass at times, especially on the ice. He turned his face back to me, our identical green eyes meeting hesitantly.

"Do you want a ride back to Plymouth tonight?" He asked, standing up and stuffing his hands in his Minnesota hockey sweatpants.

"Yeah." I murmured to him, rolling over to stand up next to him. Tony gave me a sympathetic look and pulled my body into his. He squeezed me tight, one hand on my back and the other wrapped around the backside of my neck. his face pressed into the top of my head as his fingers played softly with a few strands of my brown hair.

"I know its hard for you to see my with someone so risky, but I like and care about her a lot. She makes me happy, Brianna." He finished softly, his voice a low whisper.

"I've only ever wanted you to be happy, Tony." I breathed to him, looking into his face. "But if I let you be happy, you need to back off and let me find someone who does to me what Leah does to you." A slight wrinkled formed along the skin of his nose. I sighed and dropped my hands, ready for the disappointing double standards to take place.

"Okay, but if I sense anything wrong with the guy, I will kick his ass to the curb for you." He insisted.

"Tony, how can I learn from bad relationships if you never let me have one?"

"I don't ever want to see you hurt." Tony murmured. I gave him an amused look, tilting my head to the side in a question.

"Okay, that wasn't real pain." He talked about my crying session moments ago. "I'm talking about, can't get out of bed, how will I live, kind of pain." I nodded and decided not to tell him that Joey and Kara had seen me in those weak moments through out the years I had been in love with him. I sheltered him from that mess for a reason.

Tony's phone rand in his pocket. Sighing, he pulled it out, smiling slightly before looking at me. "Duty calls." He insisted, shoving his phone into his pocket again after reading the text. He started for the door as I called out to him.

"Remember when you were too cool for a girlfriend?"

"Yeah. How naive." He winked as he walked from the room. I waited until he was out of the house to mutter my parting shot.

"Can we get back to that please?"
***

"So Joyce tells me Tony has a new girlfriend" My mom said pointedly at dinner that night. I looked up from my pasta, shrugging my shoulders at her. "Do you like her?"

"Yeah." I muttered, wiggling under the look of my mom, stepdad, sister, and brother-in-law.

"You don't sound too convincing." My sister, Kayla, accused.

"I've been in love with the guy for 6 flipping years, am I supposed to jump for joy when he finds someone who might actually be legit?" I asked them, shaking my head in irritation. "She's a nice girl, pretty, and Tony is fond of her. There's nothing I can do about it."

"Well, not with that attitude." Kayla snorted. "Come on, you should have realized by now that the best things in life don't come easy. You have to fight."

"What have I been doing for the past 6 years?" I snapped at her.

"Standing off on the sidelines, day dreaming, while you watched all the other girls fight for his love." She gave me an amused look. I gritted my teeth against a few choice words I wanted to spit at her, fearing my mom's wrath.

"Whatever. Don't tell me what to do when you are happily married and about to have a baby."

"Well, I doubt this girl is better than you." My mom dismissed with a wave.

"Tony obviously doesn't feel that way." I shrugged it off, taking another bite of my dinner.

"Maybe if you told him how you felt?" My mom insisted.

"Chances are it would make him run away. Tony will never fall in love, mom."

"Oh, he was 16 when he told you that." Kayla interjected.

"He was never muttered those three words to anybody besides the girls in his family." I pointed my fork at her.

"Well, maybe he's never been with the person he truly loves." She shot back at me, causing the table to fall quiet. I didn't have to say anything because I knew what she was saying; I was it. But what I knew that she didn't, was that Tony didn't even know what love was.
***

"My mom gave me the third degree about Leah. I was sweating my balls off." Tony muttered as we headed back to campus that night.

"What did you expect? Your mom is a very curious women when it comes to your love life." I chuckled, knowing how much of a mama bear Joyce was when it came to her two sons.

"She would not drop the subject." Tony continued to explain. "It was like an interrogation, like I did something wrong." I decided not to tell him that technically he was doing something wrong.

"What did you tell her?"

"Well, I gave the basics, just left out her sport, and then to try and get out of it, I said you liked her."

"Tony! Now she is going to harass me! I hate lying to mama Looch." I groaned out, slamming my head against the headrest in frustration.

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but you're gonna have to lie for me."

"What's new?" I groaned out, shaking my head as I thought of the other girlfriends Joyce had wanted to know about. I had to keep this in mind for the next time I saw her.

"Keep being amazing." Tony smiled at me, teeth gleaming in the dark car.

"Don't be surprised if your mother eventually gets sick of you holding out and wants to meet her." I warned Tony.

"I'll deal with that when it comes." He dismissed. I rolled my eyes, knowing he would come running to me for help when that time came.

"Do you think any of them will notice if they see her?" I wondered.

"My mom might, but I think it will be one of those, you look familiar kind of things. At least I hope."

"What about your dad?"

"He doesn't see the cheerleaders enough to recognize her." Tony insisted, shaking his head as he talked. I sighed, wondering what would happen if Joyce figured it out. She would probably be alright, but skeptical, where as I was absolutely positive that Don Lucia would verbally give Tony an ass-whooping.

"You better hope not."

"It will be fine. You worry too much." Tony patted my thigh lightly as I rolled my eyes at his dismissive attitude. It was like he didn't really understand the consequences of breaking such a strict rule.

"If you weren't so damn reckless, I wouldn't worry so much." I yawned loudly through my words, rubbing my tired eyes lightly with the tips of my fingers. I was tired out from the emotional roller coaster of the day, the pain of dinner and earlier in the morning, along with the rush of being around Tony.

"You care about me too much." He chuckled quietly, having no idea how true his words were.

"I can't help it." I told him the undeniable truth to how I felt.

"It means a lot to me." He murmured, looking over at me with a smile. I nodded, biting my lip and sliding down in my seat as we fell quiet again.

Somewhere between Plymouth and Minneapolis, I fell asleep to the soft hum of the car and radio. My body seemed to destress immediately to the point where I felt relaxed for the first time in weeks. Maybe I wold actually get a decent night's sleep tonight. The sound of the car door opening and my seat belt unclicking made me jolt awake, eyes flashing open as Tony cautiously lifted me into his arms.

"Sleep. I've got you." He whispered, his lips centimeters from mine as I laid my head on his shoulder, wrapping my arms around his neck. I held on tight as he climbed the stairs and pushed the door to the house open. Something inside of me felt like this was the moment I had been waiting for since I first fell in love with Tony, like if I uttered the words, maybe I could get the response I wanted from him. I felt the strong urge in my relaxed, sleepy state, to express everything I've ever wanted to.

"Tony..." I started as he nudged my bedroom door open, walking to the bed before softly laying me down.

"Hm?" He asked, pulling the binder out of my hair and tucking me in like he used to in high school when I would fall asleep in his car after his games.

"I love you." I mumbled, keeping my eyes closed so I didn't have to see the look in his face.

"I love you too, Brianna." He kissed my forehead. "Sweet dreams."

And he left.

I squeezed my eyes shut as the lump in my throat constricted my airway. It was the way he said it with the least amount of attachment possible that made me waste another night crying over Tony.