Listen to My Heart

"She's a cheerleader isn't she?" Joyce Lucia asked me the next week on Friday nights game. Her question made the hair at the back of my neck prickle up as I thought of what to do. Did I lie, or did I just nod and go along with it? Instead, I just turned to look at her, green eyes trying to hold a questioning look and Joyce's blue eyes looked back at me. "I know she is, you don't need to lie for him." She finally concluded, looking down at her magazine again. I turned back to the ice, pursing my lips slightly and letting out a shaky sigh.

"Yeah." I finally spoke, figuring she was looking for a definite confirmation that not only she was right, but that I knew as well.

"I figured. She was a little on the spunky side." Joyce winked at me, shaking her head with a sigh. "I don't know what Tony is getting himself into." I turned away from watching her son skate around in a circle on the ice below and looked at her. She was watching him carefully, pondering her next thought. "Don't get me wrong, Leah is a very nice girl, but she is both risky and not the right girl for Tony." My eyebrows shot up my forehead at her words, wondering what Leah did that threw Joyce off.

"Why do you say that?" I finally asked, my foot bouncing and spinning in a circle from my crossed leg, a habit that I did when I was nervous. She took her time, eyes still on the number 12 that was swarming about the ice. She pursed her lips before turning to look at me and speaking.

"Well, honey, I thought it would be obvious. She's not you, and she never will be." She blatantly told me. The simplicity of her tone and her voice told me that this wasn't the first time Joyce Lucia had thought or voiced her opinion. "He loves you, Brianna." She shrugged her shoulders, "I thought you would have noticed by now." A small chuckle escaped her mouth as she flipped the page.

My mouth was dropped open as I tried to take in a breath, not really understanding what she was saying. There was no way Tony loved me. Not with how many other girls he had dated, not with the way he was acting right now. There was no way he was in love with me. I watched her, studying her, and knowing that she truly believed what just fell from her mouth. I pursed my lips and leaned back in my seat. My eyes found Tony again and I shook my head, turning to his mom again.

"No way. He-he, uh, no. Just no. Not me." I continued to shake my head as she looked at me over her the frames of her designer glasses.

"Why not you?" She asked, tilting her head to the side and shutting her magazine. My green eyes searched hers and I nervously bit my lip, trying to think of a way to explain these last six years of loving him.

"He has never shown any interest in me." I looked down at my intertwined fingers, twirling the ring on my middle finger around in a quick circle.

"How do you know?"

"Because he is always with another girl."

"There you go." She gestured to me with her finger, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Honey, those other girls weren't what Tony was looking for. They were the opposite. He was doing it because he knew it got your attention. Leah, is getting your attention. He loves it. He loves your reaction because when you react, he knows you care." She shrugged as if it was that simple.

"He makes me miserable when he flaunts those girls. Why would you do that to someone you love?" I asked her, wrinkling my nose as the boys filed off the ice. Tony glanced towards our section, a tilt to his mouth as he looked up at me and his mom. I gave him a small wave before looking at his smirking mom.

"Do you see him waving to Leah?" Joyce asked, gesturing to where the cheerleaders were making their way down to the locker room area to put their figure skates on. I opened my mouth to respond, but I wasn't sure what I could use against that.

"Maybe you shouldn't spend so much time thinking that he couldn't love you, and more time realizing that there are little signs. Now, I've tried to talk to Tony about this, but God knows that kid has a thicker skull than anyone I know, including his father." I giggled at that, knowing that the Italian side of Tony made him hard to push. "What I do know though, is that I've never seen Tony so down or irritated before than when you walked out of that restaurant with Mike on Saturday night." I looked at her, noticing the pointed look she was throwing me. "He was not happy."

"He has no reason to be unhappy with that. He's my best friend, he should want me to be happy."

"A best friend would want you to be happy, but someone who is in love with you and wants to be Mike, wouldn't." She replied, she took off her reading glasses, slipping them back into their case. "Now, Brianna, Mike is a nice boy, but you and I both know he isn't Tony."

"No, but he makes me happy." I whispered to her, a slight pout to my lips. I didn't want her telling me things I didn't believe. Not only were they wrong, but they were giving me false hope, something that would crush my already battered heart into a million pieces. I couldn't have that happen, I couldn't lose myself in this fantasy Joyce was putting up for me. I needed to ignore it and the part of me that was starting to see connections. "And he deserves a chance." I concluded. I felt tears brimming in my eyes because I was confused and frustrated and torn. "And I deserve to be happy."

"Honey, you don't think Tony could make you happy?" She asked me. I pursed my lips, looking at the seat in front of me and wrinkling my nose. "I know he could make you happy, but you can't blame him for not trying. You like to keep your feelings under lock and key. Just like when Tony gives you subtle hints that he might love you, you do that to. But also just like Tony, you turn around and make a comment or do an action that changes his mind and again he's convinced that you aren't meant to be together. When he started his little fling with Leah, you kept questioning him and battering him, but when you stopped, that was Tony's cue that his hunch was wrong, that what he thought you felt, wasn't real."

"I've been friends with Tony for six years, and never once as he even hinted at loving me." She gave me an amused look, a quiet laugh echoing between the two of us.

"First of all, I don't even think Tony really knows how in love with you he is. I think his problem is that he feels these things for you that are unexplainable and dangerous for someone like him. Second, he isn't going to say it, Brianna. You need to interpret it." She smiled and stood as the boys came back onto the ice. "His actions will say much more than his mouth ever will, you know that, so start watching." I looked at her to say more, to say something, anything, that I would be able to use, but she just continued to clap along with the rouser.

I sighed quietly and sat back down in my seat, clapping as the lineups were called before falling into a silent state of thought for the rest of the game. I didn't clap when the Gophers scored two goals in the first, a goal in the second, and then three goals in the third to beat St. Cloud State by a commanding score of 6-1. Instead, I thought about Joyce Lucia's words-every single one of them. Part of me was wondering if maybe she was lying, just telling me this so that I would take a chance, throw myself into the crazy, uncharted waters and hopefully be able to stay afloat.

By the time the game ended and I was trailing behind Joyce to the locker room area, my mind was swimming. I was silent as Don came out of the maroon door, bronzed with a large, gold M. Don went to Joyce, sharing a few words, a hug and a quick kiss before he went to where the media was waiting for him. I sighed and slumped against the wall, crossing my feet at the ankles as Joyce smiled.

"You've been quiet." She observed. I just shook my head at her. I didn't want her to give me any more advice because I couldn't handle it. My head felt like it would spin off at any moment and cramming more thoughts into it wasn't a good idea.

The boys started filing out of the locker room quickly, some going down to speak with the media while most of them headed to the elevator to go meet their parents. I glanced down the hallway, looking to where the cheerleaders were sitting and noticed that Leah walked out the backdoor of Mariucci with a few of her teammates- if that was even what they were. I wondered why she wasn't waiting for Tony briefly before deciding that just meant I got Tony to myself. Mike came out of the locker room after we were waiting for 15 minutes. We smiled at each other and I felt myself blush as Joyce walked us intently.

"Hey." He breathed out to me. His blonde hair was covered by a black, knit hat and warmth was radiating off him from his shower.

"Hey, great game." I told him. He nodded his thanks to me, eyes searching mine.

"So I was wondering, are you busy tonight?" He asked me. I started to respond, but Tony had ducked out of the locker room and swooped an arm around my shoulder.

"Actually, sorry Hoef, she's mine tonight." Tony flashed Mike a menacing grin, something that didn't go unnoticed by any of the three people in the hallway. "That's okay, right? You can share her for one night." Tony stated more than asked. I pursed my lips and glance up at Tony before back at Mike.

"No problem. I get it, chicks before dicks, right Looch." Mike gave him a sarcastic grin as they both shared an uneasy laugh. "I'll catch you later, Brianna." Mike murmured as he waved before walking down the hall, pulling his phone out as he went.

"Tony-"

"Shhh. We're going to have a fun night. Just me and you." He gave me his same easy smile, making my heart beat spike. I could feel Joyce's eyes on us before Tony even turned towards her, unwrapping himself from around me to hug his mom.

"Good game, sweetie." She smiled, blue eyes twinkling at her oldest son.

"Thanks, mama." He smiled back at her, keeping his arm around her because if he was honest with himself, sometimes he missed having his mom around all the time. Joyce Lucia was just that likable. "But Brianna and I have to head out." Tony told his mom, stepping away and wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I had to look away from Joyce Lucia's sparkling eyes. Tony was proving her point with the touches and the smiles, and the way he had Mike walking away within a minute of being next to me.

"Alright. Well, Brianna, it was great to see you. You should come over on Sunday for dinner. Unless you have plans with your family, and even then, it could be a big dinner." She smiled at me and wrapped me into a tight hug. "Remember what I said, he loves you. He just needs a little guidance." She whispered softly into my ear before giving me one more squeeze. We pulled away and she winked at me once more before Tony grabbed me and lead me out of Mariucci.

"So what are we doing?" I asked him once we were tucked into his Volvo.

"You'll see." He sing-songed. His voice held an excited buzz to it and his fingers danced along the black steering wheel to the beat of the music. I watched him as he stopped at a red light, his smile stretching when he glanced out of the corner of his eye and saw me watching curiously. "I'm not telling you, so don't give me that look." I huffed at him and crossed my arms over my chest, leaning back in my chest. "You're going to love it." He whispered quietly, smiling to himself as he gave my thigh a quick squeeze. My cheeks flamed up at the intimate touch.

We pulled up to the dark and quiet hockey house a few minutes later. I unlatched my seatbelt, eyebrows furrowing as to what Tony had planned. Tony got out and I followed suit, trailing along as he unlocked the front door and allowed me in. He took his shoes off and I followed suit before he reached for my hand in the dark house. Tony started up the stairs as I gripped his hand and his bicep to keep my footing in the dark house.

"Why can't we turn the lights on?" I hissed at him after I tripped over something in the living room. Tony grabbed onto my waist to keep me upright.

"Because it takes away the effect." Tony insisted. I could hear his eye roll in his voice which prompted me to roll my eyes back to him. Tony groped his way up the stairs, our hands latched tightly together as we headed towards his room. I felt for the wall, the tips of my fingers gliding along it. He stopped at what I knew from memory was his room. "Are you ready for this?" He asked me, excitement lacing his voice. I could see a peak of light shining from beneath the door and it perked my curiosity.

"I guess." I told him, giggling as he sighed before pushing his door open.

My mouth dropped slack as I took in his bedroom that had been transformed into a camping site. There was a large green tent in the center of the room, his bed was pushed against the wall to make room for it. My red sleeping bag and his blue one laid under the tent equipped with pillows for our heads. A change of clothes was waiting for the both of us along with s'more stuff and a microwave to get the marshmallows gooey.

"I wanted to take you camping since I know things have been crazy with us, and we always had so much fun camping with our families. But obviously it's a little cold to do that, so I thought I would bring the camping here." I could hear the hesitancy in his voice and when I turned to him I could see the vulnerability in his eyes. My mouth tilted into a wide smile and I wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly to my body.

"I love this, Tony." I breathed out to him, kissing his cheek before burrowing my face into the crook of his neck. The collar of his shirt along with his tie got in my way, so I tugged it off and unbuttoned his dress shirt. We stayed like that for a few moments, Tony's arms wrapped around my waist as he gently stroked my hair. For a moment, it almost felt like I was his and he was mine. Almost. Tony cleared his throat before stepping away.

"I think it's time to get camping." He grinned at me, "I'll go change in the bathroom, you can change here, and we'll go from there." He murmured, scooping up his clothes before heading to the door.

"So now we're going for modesty?" I asked him, speaking of last week when he walked in on me naked in the bathroom. He gave me a huge grin.

"I guess we are." He winked, before heading for the bathroom.
***

My legs were curled perfectly into Tony's body as he held me tightly, his breath coming out in soft puffs as I slowly awoke the next morning. I didn't bother opening my eyes because I just wanted to lay in his arms for a few more minutes or how ever long I had before I had to be slapped back into reality. I just wanted to feel his heartbeat against my hand and the curves of his muscles as my hands ran over his back. I just wanted to pretend that I was his girlfriend just like how it looked. He held me with so much strength yet so softly, just the way he would hold me every day if it was my way. Yes, everything was just perfect as long as I had my eyes closed.

"Tony!" Leah yelled from what I assumed was the door. Tony startled immediately, pulling me tighter as if he needed to protect me from whatever had awoken him. When he turned to the door and saw his girlfriend though, his grip on me released as he quickly rolled onto his stomach while I rolled onto my back and tried to ignore the distinct slap Tony just gave me. Tears blurred my vision as I tried to keep my composure.

"Leah-"

"What the hell is going on!?" She screeched out. I could just see her, hands on her hips as she yelled at him from across the room.

"Nothing, we were just-"

"It doesn't look like nothing." She hissed before the sound of her retreating heels was heard next. Tony and I were silent for a minute before I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye.

"This would be when you go after her." I pointed out to Tony. He bolted to his feet, nodding his head in agreement at me and then going to his dresser.

"You're right. If I can just find my keys..."

"Tony, she just left. You don't need your car. She probably walked here." The whole time I was talking, the other side of my head was screaming at me to shut my mouth. I wanted him to just let her go, to stay with me and keep holding me like I was the only thing in the world he was thinking of. Realizing that I wasn't was just another low blow to the stomach that would have knocked me over if I wasn't laying down.

Tony ran out of the room a few moments later, leaving me alone in our makeshift camp site. Last night had been so much fun. There was no talk of Leah or Mike, just the two of us bonding and having fun. We played a few card games, pigged out on snacks, and laughed like we were back in high school again. There were no complications, it was just the two of us having a good time. We fell asleep sometime after 1:30, snuggled up under his sleeping bag since we decided to just use them as blankets instead of their real purpose. I was all for it; I wanted to be as close to him as possible. I had gotten my wish as we snuggled in tight, falling asleep in a perfect bliss.

I was so mad at myself for once again falling into my fantasy land and allowing myself to get lost in his touch. He was intoxicating and I swam in his scent along with the feel of his fingers running against my skin. I grabbed the pillow Tony had slept on last night, slamming it against my face and screaming loudly into it. It didn't help my situation, but it took some of the pressure off of my chest.

"I guess I can't blame you for wanting to suffocate yourself." Joey called from above me. I glanced up at him, sighing and rolling onto my stomach before sitting up.

"I hate this, and right about now, I really hate her." I huffed out, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Well, I guess I'll do the gentlemanly thing and take you out to breakfast then."

"Your girlfriend won't mind?" I asked sarcastically, rolling my eyes as Joey chuckled.

"I think she'll be okay with it, but she might want to go with." He gave me a sympathetic smile that made me shake my head before he helped me up. I followed him down the stairs, noticing that all the occupants of the house were lounging around the living room and kitchen, some eating while the rest played video games on the large TV.

"Hey baby," Joey murmured into the phone, talking to Kara. I looked out the window as I headed down the stairs to the entry way, seeing Leah yelling very loudly at Tony. She was flailing her arms around while Tony was trying to grab her and calm her down. I rolled my eyes and went to slip on my shoes, not caring if they didn't exactly look great with my sweats. I reached for the door as Joey came flopping down the steps, keys in hand along with his jacket. He was smiling and laughing, enjoying hearing his girlfriend's voice while I sulked.

"Tony, I don't care what the hell you said happened! That isn't what it looked like to me! I'm your girlfriend, and I'm the only girl you should be touching like that." Leah snapped at Tony as I narrowed my eyes at her. She was fueling my hatred for her the more she talked.

"I know, I'm sorry, Leah. I am, but its just how Brianna and I are." He tried to reason with her, hands on her forearms to keep her close.

"That was before I was your girlfriend, Tony. It was fine for you to sleep with her and touch her like that, but it isn't anymore. You don't get to act like that when you're with me." She insisted, blue eyes blazing as I clenched my jaw. "Look, I really hate to be like this, but I just don't trust her around you." My mouth dropped open as Joey's voice suddenly became urgent.

"Baby, I have to go, but if you want to get breakfast, meet us in dinkytown." He mumbled quickly, but not before Leah was done spewing her demands.

"I think you need to distance yourself from her. She needs to know that she can't cross boundaries like that. And you need to respect that I don't want you clinging to her like that. I'm your girlfriend, not her."

Her last words felt like a knife going directly through my heart. I pursed my lips as Joey grabbed my arm,both of us silent and waiting for Tony's response. I was positive that he was going to tell her to go to hell, and when that didn't happen, I almost fell to the concrete.

"Okay." He murmured, nodding his head. And with that one word, he shattered my heart all over again. I looked to the side as Joey pulled me back into his chest to restrain me.

"She isn't worth it. Tony has to say that. He is just agreeing with her to make things right again. He doesn't want to distance himself from you and he isn't. She is irrational and making demands that he doesn't plan on keeping." Joey whispered into my ear.

"Joey, I'm really glad you feel the need to lie to me to protect me. But Tony has consistently been slapping me in the face with the cold hard facts, and I need it. And this is just the wake up call I was looking for." I ran my hands under my eyes to brush the tears away before I pushed away from Joey. I stalked down the sidewalk towards the hugging couple, tapping Tony on the shoulder. When he turned to me, I slapped him with as much force as I had in me. Tears burned my eyes for his pain and because it hurt to watch the surprise in his eyes. It was like he had no idea how painful it was for me to watch him be with her, but also be okay with letting her take him away from me.

"Consider our friendship over." I hissed darkly at him as his eyes grew wide, realizing I heard everything she just said. I thought things were going back to normal after last night, but I was wrong. I turned towards the driveway where Mike was just pulling in. I breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that he could be my knight in shining armor for the moment. I had never been so happy to see him.

"Brianna! Wait, hear me out!" Tony exclaimed, following me as I weaved my way to Mike's car. Mike was out of the driver's side, eyebrows furrowed as I hustled to him.

"Get in the car, Mike." I snapped at him. His eyes went wide before he nodded, shaking his head and dipping back into the Audi. I whirled around and pointed my finger at Tony.

"I heard everything I needed to hear- loud and clear. You want to choose her over me, fine, be that way. But just remember who has always been there for you through everything, and when you look at her, remember that you choose that over six years of friendship." I hissed at him before whirling back around. Tony grabbed my wrist but I slapped his hand off of me with a hard smack. I could practically feel him wince as he tried to hurry after me. But Joey was there, grabbing him by the shoulder and murmuring quietly for him to let me go.

"She's hurt." Joey told him simply. I didn't have the strength to turn and see Tony's reaction, but something in Mike's eyes told me that I had successfully pulled the guilt and pain out of Tony.

Mike pulled away from the hockey house a few seconds later. It was silent as he headed across campus, tears pooling in my eyes and trickling down. I didn't care that Mike could see the tears or that Tony had once again made me cry. All I could focus on was how alone I felt in a world where everything seemed to be going wrong.

"I'm sorry." Mike had whispered once we came to a stoplight and he had a chance to look at me. I pursed my lips, drawing in a shaky breath as I sniffled.

"Yeah, me too." I croaked out, looking out the window and wondering how Joyce could ever, possibly think that Tony Lucia could love anything but himself.