Listen to My Heart

I rubbed at my tired and red eyes under the brown frames of my glasses, yawning and blinking rapidly to try and stay awake. Finals were over, hockey was on a break, and I was sicker than a dog with a nasty flu bug. It had started the day I finished finals and went on through the next four days. Today was Thursday and it seemed like my cough and stuffy nose were getting worse. My throat was raw, my nose and eyes were as red as cherries, and I had to breath through my mouth in order to take in oxygen. 

I was exhausted from all the late hours of studying, stressing me out to the point where my immune system was low and unable to fight off the flu bug that inhabited my body. I just wanted a warm body to curl up to; I wanted the one person who could wrap his arms around me and make everything okay. I would have been willing to settle for Mike, but ever since my slip, he had been avoiding me for more than the fact that I was sick, which he wouldn't know anyway since he hadn't seen me. Tony and I had made up a couple days after my incident with Mike, nothing a hug, dinner, and some dessert couldn't cure. He was my best friend and even though he had a tendency to treat me like shit, I needed him to lighten up my life.

The light turned green and I released off the break, going a few feet before taking a right and then a quick left, almost to the hockey house. It was a relief for me to find a parking spot directly in front of the house, one I didn't even have to parallel park for. I killed the engine, sighing when I looked down at my baggy sweats and cringing when I realized there was a large mass of people occupying the hockey house. I held back a groan knowing that I was going to be seen looking like utter hell. I squeezed my eyes shut, pulling my coat tight around my body before opening the door into the cold air.

I almost slipped and fell straight on my ass from the slick ice that covered the street. A majority of it was black ice, the most dangerous kind, which made me take cautious steps in my black UGGs. I groped my way up the stairs, holding onto the railing before stepping into the hot house. The place was packed, surprising considering that a lot of students were home for the holidays, but that also meant people from other schools were here. A lot of people I didn't know, which really wasn't that different from the other parties, but I did see a few people I recognized.

"Holy hell." Joey murmured as I walked to where he was standing in the doorway of the kitchen. I pulled my jacket off, folding it over my arm and shoving my car keys in my purse.

"I know I look like it, I don't need you to tell me." I gave him a tight smile before throwing my hand over my nose and mouth, letting out a loud sneeze. I threw my head down before bouncing back up again, wiping my nose with the back of my hand. "I am so miserable." I pouted as he pulled me into his body, giving me a tight hug. He rested his hand on my forehead, holding it there for a moment.

"You have a fever."

"I know, it breaks and then comes back which makes me freeze my ass off before the sweats take over." I sighed, glancing around the kitchen to where Tony usually was during parties like this one. "Where is Ton?"

"He isn't here." Joey murmured, slurping up some of his beer, swallowing before continuing. "He had some thing with Leah's family, but he said he would be here later. I don't know if he will want to be around you though." He teased me, winking before giving me a squeeze. "Do you need something for the fever?" I nodded and watched as he grabbed a bottle of Advil and shaking out two.

"Three." I murmured as he shook out one more, handing them to me and then grabbing a bottle of water.

"Drink the whole thing. You need to stay hydrated." Joey informed me, taking another sip of his beer. I laughed quietly at the irony.

"Okay, dad."

"I'm just telling you what Loochie would tell you."

"I guess." My eyes scanned the party, looking for Kara in the mess of people, but not finding her in my immediate area. "Do you think Tony's room is empty?" I wondered.

"Should be. He locked it before he left." Joey shrugged, pulling out a key from his pocket. The boys had actual locks on their doors, flip locks that you needed a key with because they learned quickly that people like to walk out with souvenirs from the parties. "He left this cause he thought you might come over. He must know you're sick."

"He called me today and I told him I felt and looked like death." I took the key from Joey before hiking my purse back onto my shoulder. "I'm going to go sleep. I'll see you later."

"Good luck sleeping." Joey chuckled, gesturing to the loud party that was going on around us. I shrugged and moved towards the stairs, knowing that I was so tired I would be able to sleep through it if I tried hard enough.

I pushed through the crowd in the living room, cautiously keeping an eye out for Mike. I was assuming that he was here since a majority of his teammates were, except for those who had flown home for the short break. The blonde who had been avoiding me recently was sitting at the table in the dining room which was close to the kitchen, nursing a beer as his eyes casually scanned the party. Our eyes locked and I blushed, shaking my head and heading up the stairs, hoping he wouldn't follow.

I turned to the right and went down two doors, slipping Tony's key into the lock and flipping it open. My fingers groped for the light switch, flipping it up and scanning Tony's room. His clothes were in the hamper, his pictures were up right, his floor clean, bed made, and no dishes were littering the desk and dresser space. I crooked an eyebrow at this, remembering how dirty Tony's room normally was. I bit my lip and wondered if this meant that Leah was supposed to be making an appearance later tonight. But the yawn that stretched my lips made me forget about that.

I dropped my purse on his deck, throwing my coat over the back of his chair and slipping my UGGS off. I smiled at the picture of Tony and I the night of graduation. We were both fist pumping in the air, large smiles on our faces as we held our fake diplomas up- our real ones being sent out later that next week. We were both so happy, so ready to move on with our lives. I remember being convinced that college would prove to Tony that he needed to be with me, that the distance would show Tony how much he loved me. I had been so naive, yet I knew even then that I was full of shit.

I scrubbed at my eyes again, crawling onto Tony's bed, getting lost in the blue comforter and matching sheets. There was nothing like slipping into a freshly made bed, clean sheets and all. I yawned again, nuzzling my face into Tony's pillow. I curled myself up on the side he usually slept on, smelling just a tint of his cologne, but mostly the smell of fabric softener and detergent. My chest heaved and I began to cough, my whole body shaking before I let out a loud groan. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the tickle in my nose and my throat, praying that Tony would get home soon to try and nurse me back to health.
***

The door to Tony's room burst open what felt like mer minutes later, starling me awake and cause me to shoot up in bed. The light from the hall shone into the room for one more second before the door was shut just as fast as it had opened. I groped the nightstand for my glasses, hoping the two people making out didn't try to come over to the bed, knowing that could only end badly. Once my vision wasn't blurry anymore and the haze had cleared, I realized that the couple pressed against the door was Tony and Leah. My eyes bugged out of my head as Tony ripped her shirt off, tossing it to the floor and grabbing a better grip on her thighs. I turned to the night stand, twisting on the lamp and watching as the light filled the room.

"Holy shit!" Tony jumped slightly, loosing his grip on Leah as she slid down the door, almost falling to the floor before Tony tightened his grip again. He turned to look over his shoulder, locking eyes with me before they widened. "You weren't kidding, I think hell is missing their princess." Tony chuckled, totally oblivious to the awkwardness that hung in the room. Leah grabbed her top off the floor, pulling it on quickly before folding her arms over her chest. I rolled my eyes since she didn't have anything I hadn't seen before, not to mention my boobs were bigger than hers.

"Yeah. Sorry to, uh, interrupt." I mumbled, before closing my eyes as a sneeze rocked my body before a cough attack followed. Tony crossed the room to sit next to me on the bed, rubbing a hand over my back as I coughed into my arm, my throat burning with each scratch of my breath against the sore skin. I groaned as the coughing finally ceased, collapsing back into the pillows.

"Um, Tony?" Leah called from her spot, awkwardly standing by the door she had just been pressed up to. Tony and I both looked at her as she shifted from foot to foot. She shrugged her shoulders as if to say, are you going to kick her out or not? Tony sighed and ran a hand through his hair before looking back down at me, ignoring Leah for the moment.

"Have you gone to the doctor? Cause you have been sick for too long." He asked me, his hand resting on my forehead. "You don't have a fever."

"I took some stuff." I sniffed, rubbing my nose with the back of my hand. "Don't worry, it will come back." I sighed, glancing to Leah as I took a deep breath in through my mouth. She scowled at me behind Tony's back, but I ignored it, not up to playing her who can be the bigger bitch game today. Tony let out a deep sigh, looking down at me, brushing my hair back from my face. "Do I really look that bad?" I whispered, feeling slightly self conscious as Leah stood there looking like she just walked off Barbie Island while I had puffy eyes and could be Rudolf's twin.

"Do you want the truth..." Tony asked, his corners pulled up into a smile before he laughed. "No, you don't look terrible but you definitely look like you need to get some sleep and be taken care of." He murmured, standing back up and pulling the covers tighter around my body. He walked over to Leah, opening his door up and allowing her to step out first. I heard the low murmur of the two of them talking before her voice got louder.

"Tony, are you serious? She is ruining our night!" She exclaimed, the sound of slapping heard as she hit her hands against her thighs in frustration. A deep murmur came next as the door prevented me from hearing Tony's clam voice. "This is ridiculous. I am not allowing you to sleep in the same bed as her!"

"Leah, she is my best friend. Get over it." Tony snapped at her after a few more moments of arguing. Tony poked his head back in, giving me an easy smile and walking back in, Leah not following him. "I'm going to walk Leah out and I'll be right back up, alright? Don't move." He kissed my forehead before walking back across the room, shutting his bedroom door.

I ended up drifting back to sleep for the five minutes Tony was gone, my fever starting to come back as the medicine I took a couple hours ago began to ware off. Tony came back into the room with a bottle of water and the bottle of Advil I had taken three pills from when I got here. He sent them on the nightstand before waving his fingers at me to sit up. I frowned as he pushed the covers down my body, pulling my sweatshirt off.

"What are you doing!" I shrieked as the cool air hit my body, making the chills roll down my spine and make goosebumps flourish on my skin.

"You can't be wearing all of this when I'm about to get in bed with you. You will overheat darling." He informed me, motioning to my sweatpants.

"I don't have shorts on." I murmured to him. He nodded and crossed the room to his dresser, pulling out a pair of black shorts. "Is Leah mad?" I asked him as I kicked my sweatpants off, pulling the shorts on all while keeping the comforter covering my body. Tony busied himself with the bottle of water and the Advil, getting it ready for me to take.

"She will be fine tomorrow." Tony shrugged as he handed me the pills and the water, watching as I took them.

"I didn't mean to ruin your date." I whispered innocently as Tony softly pushed me back into bed before beginning to undress. I didn't even bother concealing the fact that I was watching his every move, the way his back muscles flexed as he pulled his shirt over his head- his muscles on full display for me. He had rock hard abs, something I had known about for years now and had just gotten more defined and more irresistible with age. He slid his jeans down his legs, leaving himself in his boxer briefs before he pulled on his sweatpants, the fabric hanging low on his hips.

"You didn't ruin anything. It was over." He shrugged, "that was just... extra." He gave me the same wink he always threw to me when he was talking about sex. I rolled my eyes as he pulled the comforter back, sliding into bed next to me. He didn't even ask nor did he hesitate as he pulled me into his body, the two of us sharing his pillow.

"Well, I didn't-"

"We're done talking. It's late; you're sick, and I'm tired." Tony cut me off, tucking my chin down so that my forehead was resting in the crook of his neck. I nodded as he dropped a kiss on top of my head. "Good night, Brianna." He whispered to me, giving my body a tight squeeze. 

My eyes drifted shut a moment later as my body succumbed to the exhaustion. While Tony and I fell asleep, I found myself silently forgiving him for everything the longer he kept his grip on me. Maybe it was because of moments like this, the ones that got my hopes sky high, that I always woke up in the morning with a broken heart because nothing would ever be different, or the way I wanted it to be.
***

The next morning, I woke up to the soft stroking of Tony's fingers against my cheek. My eyes fluttered open to look at him, his glasses on his face as he smiled softly at me. His green eyes were so soft and tender that I just wanted to snuggle up next to him and stay like this for the rest of the day. He was so warm, so soft, and so welcoming that I wished I had opted to stay asleep for awhile longer, knowing he would have stayed tucked in next to me.

"Hey you. I'm happy to report that you haven't been running a fever yet today." He murmured to me, throwing in a smile at me. I sucked in a deep breath before pushing it out in a yawn, stretching my arms above my head and turning my torso from side to side in his embrace.

"That's good." I mumbled, my voice feeling hot at is pushed through my throat.

"How do you feel?" He asked me, brushing some of my hair away from my face, searching my eyes for an honest answer.

"I'm alright. I could really use a shower." I chuckled as he nodded.

"So you probably want to go home?" He asked me, raising a thick eyebrow. "I can't see you showering with a house full of guys around." He let out a cute laugh, his nose scrunching slightly.

"Well, that, and I don't have any of my fruity, girly body wash, and I don't want to smell like a man." I giggled at his eye roll.

"Do you want to go now?" He wondered, his arms still wrapped around me, our bodies still fused together by his embrace. I felt my cheeks warming as I became very aware of how close and intimate our proximity was.

"No, I just want to be lazy." I murmured, but in reality I just wanted to stay wrapped up in his arms.

"We can do that." He whispered back to me, fingers running through my hair as I let out a soft moan, his fingers moving to rub my back next. The truth was, being in Tony's arms took away the soreness of my throat, the tiredness of my body and eyes, along with the ache that I felt in my chest and nose from coughing and sneezing. He was like a the perfect drug for me; he cured things that even the hard drugs couldn't, but he also created wounds medicine couldn't heal.

After a long twenty minutes of no talking, just drifting in and out of sleep, Tony's voice startled me slightly and forced my eyes open. "I'm sorry about the bruise." I looked into his green eyes, seeing the guilt shining in them as he licked his lips, dropping his gaze to the sheets below us.

"It's okay, you didn't mean to." I murmured, running my hand over the yellow bruise that was fading away.

"Brianna, It's just, I would kick anyone's ass if they hurt you like that, and then I go and do something like that. It turns me into a hypocrite, and makes me feel like a total asshole. I would never intentionally hurt you." He finished with a whisper, our eyes locked together in a look I hadn't seen from him before. I blinked once and then again, swallowing and realizing that he was right. All of the pain he had caused me had never been intentional. If he knew, he would have tried to protect me from his whoring ways back in high school, and in some ways, college.

"I know Tony. If I thought you would, I wouldn't be here and I would not have forgiven you." I murmured, cupping his chin in my hand and holding myself back from pressing our lips together.

"But I guess a good thing did come out of this." He murmured, flipping my arm over and looking down at my wrist. 

The bruise had faded into a yellow mark, just like the one under Tony's eye. He brought it up to his lips, caressing it softly as shivers of pleasure ran up and down my spin. This almost made up for the whole experience that got me here in this moment, being sick, having him grab me so hard he broke blood vessels in my body, all of it faded away when his lips touched my skin. He had absolutely no idea what this was doing to me, how this one touch, brought feelings that Mike couldn't until he was brushing his mouth over certain areas of my body.

"What is that?" I breathed out, trying to control my voice to roll out of my mouth in a somewhat steady manner.

"I approve of Mike now. If he is willing to punch me to defend you, then I guess he is worthy of you."

I slowly lifted my gaze from my wrist to meet Tony's eyes, my body perfectly still, my chest barely rising and falling with my breath. I sucked my cheeks in, wondering what the hell I ever did to deserve this. The one person Tony approves of is the one person he is supposed to hate me with. Tears began to poke in the back of my eyes and even though I tried to hold them back, they pooled into my eyelids so fast that I didn't have time to stop them from trailing down my cheeks.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" He murmured, picking my face up with both of his hands and looking into my teary eyes, thumbs brushing along my cheek bones.

"I-It... It means a-a lot..... that you approve of someone." I pushed out, trying to act as if I was so happy I was crying tears of joy which really wouldn't be a far fetch if I didn't have such strong feelings for the man brushing my tears away, tears that he had created too many times to count.

"Oh, darling." He drawled out, chuckling a bit before he pulled me in tight to his chest. "I know I haven't been fair to you, but I'm going to start. You deserve the privilege of being with someone you want to be with, and Mike really is a great guy." Tony sighed as I tried to think of funny jokes and lines from movies and stand up comedians, anything I could think of to hold back the sobs. I just nodded to his words, practicing my breathing to keep myself from hyperventilating.

"I think I'm ready for my shower now." I told Tony, forcing a watery smile as he nodded, climbing out of bed with me. He moved about the room, grabbing his wallet and his keys as I gathered my stuff from his desk, slipping on my UGGS as he walked out the door. "Why can't you just get home much I love you, Tony." I whispered quietly, brushing away the last few trails of wetness on my face.

"Did you say something?" Tony asked, poking his head back into the room as I jumped, startled that he heard me murmuring to myself.

"No, I was just commenting that a shower would make me feel a lot better." I smiled at him before following him down the stairs and to the car, once again suffering in the silence of my lies.