Untitled

I stayed with Bryce that night; we laughed, cried and held each other. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew what I was. I was dead. How am I with him? How do I feel him? He wasn’t dead. Maybe this was just a dream.
When we woke the next morning, he kissed my cheek. I leaned up and kissed his lips. “How long do I have with my girl?” He smiled, nuzzling into my hair. “I don’t know.” I ran my hands down to his hands, holding them carefully.
Then just like that, I couldn’t feel his fingers. I stared at him, he stared where I had been. He looked frantic. “Ellie? Ellie?” He started scrabbling around in the sheets. He stared at me, tears in his eyes. I couldn’t control this.
For a month, I just watched him. I couldn’t talk to him or feel him. At first, he’d talk to me at night, and I liked hearing him talk. Then, after about a week, he just figured that I’d moved on. He stopped talking to me, and continued with his regular life. I tried to distance myself, but I felt that familiar pain in my stomach when I tried to stay away. I just had to be with him, but I couldn’t be.
I wandered the city to get my mind off of him, but it didn’t work. It was fascinating how I was there, but not. I went to parties and watched people fuck themselves over. I could be in my city, and then across the globe in just a blink. I’d always wanted to see Auschwitz, as it fascinated me. So I strolled through the death camp.
I followed a group of tourists who were taking pictures. I could hear the whispers of the dead. Some of them, I saw. They stayed there. One woman who had been killed in the gas chambers came up to me and started speaking in Polish. For some reason, I understood it. I’d never learned a word of Polish when I was alive, but here I was, communicating with her Polish. She told me about her family, and how they’d been pushed to the side then forced into the chambers. She cried and wrapped her arms around me. “The only good thing about being dead, is that I’m with the rest of my family. Hitler destroyed us.” Sure enough, her little girl came and held her hand, and introduced herself to me. Then, they were gone.
Things are like that when you’re dead, you could be talking to someone, who was also dead, then all of a sudden, they were gone. I just moved on through the world.
I always checked back with Bryce, hoping maybe I could touch him, feel him, again.
Then, she came into the picture.
She, was this girl at the mall who went up to him and told him he pulled off aviators really well. I was there, watching all this. She knew who he was already though, her friend was his friend, and he had made her go up to Bryce. I didn’t like her at all, she was a two faced bitch, I didn’t even know for a fact but I just knew from my gut.
They talked constantly for about two weeks; I’d sit beside Bryce while he talked to her, hoping something would happen to make him realize she was a monster. The only thing I was able to do, was make sure that a few cans of pop fall over on her lap. I watched helplessly, my body aching from watching it all.
Finally, she asked him out. He said yes. If I’d been alive, I would have died.
A few days after they started going out. I was in his room, I’m not sure why because I hadn’t wanted to be there. I’d been walking around by the river, talking to some of the people who’d drowned there. He came in, and I saw him. My eyes filled with tears so I shut them to rub them. Then I heard something fall to the ground and felt his hands on my arms. “Ellie.” He whispered, pulling me closer to him as he sat down on the floor beside me. I was shocked. I could feel him. He could talk to me. He saw me. I put my hand out slowly, touching his cheek. “Bryce.” I started bawling again, he held me tighter to him. “Why did you say yes?” I mumbled into his chest. “I thought you were gone. I had to move on.” He looked confused for a second, “Wait, you are gone. Oh god.”
We sat on his bed, he ran his fingers through my air. “I don’t know what to do Ellie.” I wanted to yell at him. Scream at him to break up with her. But I couldn’t. “She’s a bitch.” He looked down, pressing even closer to me. “I can’t have you whenever I want though. If you were alive, things would be different. But I’ll never know when you’ll just disappear and not come back.” I cough as tears started coming down my face again.
We just sit there all night. He holds me tightly until he falls asleep. I can’t sleep. I don’t want to sleep. I rest my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating steadily. Wishing it could beat for me again.
I finally fell asleep. But luckily, I woke up to him moving a little. I raised my head quickly, looking him right in his sleepy brown eyes. “Hey.” I smile and move up to rest my head on the pillow next to his face. “Hey.” He moves onto his side so he’s facing me. “Is it cheating if you kiss a dead girl?” I blurt out. I feel my face turn bright red. He smiles and move closer. “Probably, but I don’t know how long I’ve got you for, so for now, there’s no one to cheat on.” His face is right by mine. Everything in me says it’s wrong, but my heart is flippity flopping all over the place as his lips gently land on mine.
It’s Saturday, so he doesn’t have anywhere he has to be. Which is great for me because I’m here. We watch some Marilyn Monroe movie. Then, in the middle of it. She calls. He picks up. I can hear exactly what she says because she’s so damn loud.
“Hey baby! How are you?” He answers quietly, “Hey, I’m okay, you?” Her loud ass voice comes over the phone again. “I’m great now that I’m talking to you. Babe, are you doing anything tonight? My parents are out, I thought maybe you could come over?” Then some fake giggles. I make a face. Bryce sees. “I have some family thing tonight, sorry.” It’s quiet for a bit. “Mhm, okay, well when you want this, come and get it.” Then she slams the phone down. By “this” I assume she meant herself. He looks at me, “Why can’t you stay forever?” He asks. I hold his face in my hands, “I would if I could.” We kiss again. His lips are warm against mine. We stay there, just kissing and holding each other.
His shirt is off. I’m running my hands up and down his back, he’s lifts off the dress and his sweater that I’m wearing. I’m lying underneath him, naked as ever. Things have never gone this far for either of us. I don’t want it to stop. His lips are all over my body. Mine are all over his. His pants are off. We move as one. His lips barely leave mine as we rock back and forth.
When we’re done, we roll so we’re facing each other. He starts to fall asleep. I cry quietly. I don’t want to sleep, I cry, not from regret, but from heartache. How many more times can I have him to myself? How many more times can have this beautiful thing that is our love? I move closer to him. I feel him kiss the top of my head, “I love you.”