Don't Ever Lose Hope

Marissa’s POV
The feeling of not being with him, knowing he’s in the room right across from me, killed me more and more each day. It’s like having your favorite dessert sitting right in front of you but knowing you can’t eat it since you’re on a diet. I know I can’t make anything better with him, right now at least. It seems I’ve been good at making things worse between us, the complete opposite of what I was trying to do when I realized that Jack was on this cruise. The minute we broke up I wanted him back, and now I was far from having him in my arms again. I was so lost in my own little world that I didn’t even notice someone was trying to have a conversation with me. I looked over to see it was my brother. I knew he has been worried about me for the past couple days because I haven’t been “myself” as he puts it, but he has to understand how much not being with Jack hurts me. I’ve tried to convince him I was fine. However, I think I was trying to convince myself that I was okay more than my brother because, to be honest, I haven’t been myself ever since we broke up. I haven’t been truly happy for months and it was all because of Jack. I didn’t know whether to be pissed at him for causing me so much pain or to continue to let my heart guide me towards him. The thing that hurt the most is knowing I couldn’t have him since he already moved on. Couldn’t he see that I didn’t want to? Couldn’t he see that I wanted to be together again? Apparently not, and earning his love back was hurting me so much more than I ever intended.
“Marissa, are you even listening to what I’m saying?” I turned to see my brother kind of pissed that I hadn’t paid attention to a word he said since he walked in the room.
“I’m not in the mood to talk Zack,” I told him honestly.
“I thought this would be good for you. I know how much it hurt to see all of the articles, pictures, news stories over Jack’s accident Marissa, I know, but you’re not taking this the way I expected you to.”
“What do you mean Zack? You think after not seeing him for months and then all of the sudden seeing him again every day would make me feel better? It hasn’t Zack; I’m far from better if you haven’t noticed.” I sighed; the last thing I wanted was for my brother to be mad at me. I never knew one guy could cause this much damage to a girl, but Jack certainly has. Yet, I’m still in love with him.
“Believe me Marissa, I have noticed. The thing that is frustrating me is all you’re doing is sulking around, wishing that Jack loved you instead of Meagan. You’re not moving on like he has. You would be a lot better off if you did. I’m not saying this to upset you, I’m saying this because I want to see you happy again Marissa. Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve seen you happy, truly happy?”
I looked over at him, and although I didn’t want to admit it, I knew he was right. A tear slid down my face and I tried to wipe it away quickly so he wouldn’t see how devastated I was over this, but unfortunately he did.
“I just want things to go back to the way they were Zack,” I said with a shaky voice. He didn’t say anything; he just pulled me into his arms for a much needed hug. I felt like ever since I arrived here everyone hated me, and I feel like everyone still does. I want that to change.
“Zack,” I lifted my head from his shoulder, “I will try to get better for you. Just know that it might take some time, okay?” He nodded his head and smiled at me.
“That’s all I ask for sis.” I hugged him again, glad that we had this conversation. “I don’t know about you, but I’m really tired so I’m going to sleep. You probably should as well.” I nodded my head, getting under the blankets of my own bed.
“I love you Zack.”
“Love you too Marissa, good night.”
As soon as my eyes closed, I drifted off into a much needed sleep.

Marissa’s dream:
It was a beautiful sunny day in California, and I couldn’t imagine spending it with anyone else. I was standing in the ocean, just enough so that when the waves would come they would wash my feet from all the sand grinds in between my toes. I smiled as I watched him attempt to stand on the surfboard he rented when we got here. I told him it was a ridiculous purchase since he had no idea how to surf, but he insisted he knew how. When he finally gained control of his balance and stood on the surfboard he was so excited. He tried to turn towards me to show me he was indeed standing, but as he was trying to get the board to turn a huge wave crashed and knocked him over in a second. I couldn’t help but laugh; I have the craziest boyfriend in the whole world.
He was soon making his way over towards me to, I assume, convince me that surfing is a lot of fun and that I should try it, which is exactly what he did.
“Oh come on Marissa, live a little! It’s fun!!” He smiled that adorable smile of his. I couldn’t help but smile back.
“Jack, you weren’t even surfing out there. How do you expect me to learn how to surf when you don’t even know how,” I said laughing.
“Hey! I was too!!” He said in defense.
“I don’t think I would call standing up on a surfboard for not even a second surfing Jack.”
“At least I was able to stand up on the surfboard!!” I started laughing again; clearly this conversation was going nowhere.
“How about we go get some ice cream to cool me down? I don’t know about you, but I feel like if I stand out here any longer I’m going to look like a very red tomato by tomorrow.” Jack laughed at my comment, and agreed that he needed some ice cream as well.
The ice cream shop was a short distance from the beach, so it didn’t take long to walk there. We ordered the largest ice cream sundae they had and decided to split it. It was definitely a good way to cool off.
It was days like these where I was very happy to have a boyfriend like Jack. We didn’t need to go out on expensive dates to feel loved; all we needed was each other’s presence to be happy. That might sound cheesy, but it was the truth.
“Marissa, you know I love you right?” I smiled at his comment and nodded my head.
“Yes Jack, I do. I love you too babe.” I leaned over the table we were sitting at to kiss him. There was something about kissing those lips that just felt so right.

End of Marissa’s dream.

I woke up with a smile on my face, but that smile vanished when I realized that I was only dreaming. I looked over to find Zack’s bed empty and remembered the conversation we had last night. I needed to try to be happy, at least for him. I was tired of being in this depressed mood all the time as well. However, seeing Jack with another girl and seeing him so happy made it that much harder to be happy. How could I be happy for him when I wanted him to be with me? I shook that thought out of my head. I knew I was just being selfish.
Today is a new day, and I needed to show Zack and myself that it was possible to be happy without Jack. I got out of bed and decided to wear a cute sundress I packed that I haven’t worn in a while. I took some time putting on make-up and straightening my dark brown hair. I have to admit, it was weird to be caring about my appearance so much, since I basically blew it off the day Jack and I broke up, but I was starting fresh. I grabbed my cell phone from the night stand and put a smile on my face for the first time in a long time and went to eat breakfast with the others.
It wasn’t hard to spot everyone gathered around our table because, let’s face it, we had the largest group out of everyone on this cruise. As I approached the table, everyone’s eyes turned towards me. I instantly blushed, but smiled, finding it a bit odd that they wouldn’t stop staring.
“Wow….” Matt said. “I’m not going to lie, you look hot!” I blushed even more at his comment.
“Thanks Matt,” I said putting my cell phone down on the table to go get some food. I walked off awkwardly, still having the feeling that the guys were still staring at me. I didn’t realize that taking the time to do my hair and put on some make-up would make much of a difference. I figured they would continue to pretend that I wasn’t even there, like always, but it felt good to be noticed. I smiled at the thought of it.
As I got back with a plate full of bacon, eggs and pancakes, they were all still there sitting at the table. Normally, some of them would leave if they were finished eating, but not today. I started eating my eggs when Matt started talking.
“So, what made you want to change your appearance today?” I looked up at him. He wore this goofy looking smile on his face, which was absolutely adorable.
I finished chewing before answering his question. “To be honest, I don’t know. Today’s a new day and I guess I just wanted to start fresh.”
“Well, I think you should start wearing make-up more often because you look like a completely different person…” I didn’t know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult so I didn’t say anything at first. “Wow..that came out completely wrong. What I’m trying to say is you look beautiful with make-up on, not that you don’t look beautiful without it. Yeah, I’m just going to shut up now,” he said looking down. I could see the blush rising up on his cheeks. I laughed a little at his comment, and felt like today was going to be the start of a really good day.

2 hours later:

“So have you been having fun?” I instantly recognized the voice and couldn’t believe he was talking to me. All I could do was nod my head and smile.
“It’s been a fun day…” I said trying to make conversation. He pulled up a chair next to me while the others were still in the pool playing Marco Polo. We sat in awkward silence for a moment until he started to say something.
“Listen, I realize we got off to a bad start your first day here. I know you still have feelings for me Marissa, but I found someone else and as much as it hurts me to see you in so much pain, I can’t break up with Meagan. I really hope you understand, and I know that there is a guy out there who will be perfect for you.” I couldn’t stop the tears from falling, not because I was sad we weren’t together (okay maybe that’s part of the reason), but because after being such a bitch to him he still is trying to make things right between us. He had no idea how much I appreciated that. However, the second I looked into those beautiful brown eyes of his I lost it. I couldn’t help but remember the dream I had of us, together.
I ran off to my room like an idiot. I was so mad at myself for not staying there and having a normal conversation with him. It was so nice to not be yelling at each other for once and I totally blew it. As much as I tried to think positive thoughts today, all I could think about once I entered the safety of my own room is how much he doesn’t deserve me. I mean, there has to be a reason we broke up or we would still be together. That reason was me. The more negative thoughts that entered my mind that harder it was to get them out, and I turned to the one thing I said I would never start again. I picked up my razor from the bathroom counter and cut.