Don't Ever Lose Hope

Jack’s POV

The music coming from the speakers could probably be heard from across the street. I wanted to turn it down, however, that would cause people to question why I didn’t want to have fun when I’m normally the party animal, or that’s what I’ve heard from some. My main concern was Jasey, who was currently in one of Nicole’s guest bedrooms upstairs. I hadn’t broke the news to everybody, yet, at least. In my defense, I really didn’t have time. The entire day today I was trying to come up with a plan in my head about how I was going to tell everyone that I have a daughter now. That all got ruined when Nicole called and said she was throwing a party at her house. She insisted we’d be here. We couldn’t really say no because then she might think something was up, so we decided to just go with it, and tell everyone that Alex had to babysit his little cousin and he had to bring her along. They bought it, surprisingly. They look nothing alike. She obviously looks more like me than Alex, but no one questioned it so we just let it go for now.

I was sitting on the couch, trying not to think much about Jasey. I’m sure she was fine.; though I wasn’t confident about that. I didn’t think she was ever included in parties like this. I could tell Alex was on edge too. He was across the way in the kitchen, taking little sips of beer. He kept on stealing glances up the stairs; I assumed worried about Jasey as well. I decided to go and check on her to see how she was doing. I climbed up the stairs without having to worry about anyone asking where I was going. I opened the door quietly, making sure not to wake her if she was asleep. Then again, I wouldn’t know how she could sleep with the music playing downstairs. Closing the door quietly behind me, I walked in the room to find she was curled up in a ball on the bed facing the window. Apparently she heard me walking towards the bed because she turned around, her face lighting up when she saw me.

“Daddy!” she exclaimed, embracing me in a hug. At that moment, I was relieved that there was still music playing downstairs. I wouldn’t want to know what would have happened if someone over heard her calling me that. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy she’s my daughter; however, I haven’t figured out how to address this news to Marissa. Thankfully she hasn’t paid much attention to me or Alex the entire night so we were safe, for now at least.

“I just wanted to come check on ya; are you doing okay babe?” I asked. She shook her head and I immediately got concerned.

“Why; what’s wrong?” She looked at me and buried her face in my chest. I sighed, wanting to know what was bothering her. I wasn’t going to stop worrying until she tells me.

“I want to go home. I don’t feel good,” she whined to me, although it sounded more like muffled whines since her head was still buried in my chest. I looked at the time on my phone, seeing that it was already past nine. Even those I hadn’t set a bed time for her yet seeing as I just found out she was my daughter yesterday, I could tell she was tired and wanted to get away from the party atmosphere. I stood up from the bed, carrying her along with me downstairs. It seemed as though more people showed up since I went to check on her; I couldn’t find Alex anywhere. I was about to dial his number when he found me. I motioned for him to follow me upstairs, Jasey still in my arms, so I could talk to him without having to scream. I went into the room Jasey was in before and shut the door.

“Is there something wrong?” Alex asked, concern lacing his voice. I tried to sit Jasey down on the bed, but she wouldn’t let go of me, so I just continued to hold her.

“You know Jasey has never been in this kind of atmosphere before, so I think it kind of scares her a little bit.” Alex nodded his head, letting me know that he understood. “She was also complaining that she didn’t feel good and wanted to go home. Would I be a horrible friend if I left early?” I asked.

“Jack, your responsibilities are going to be different now that you are a father. You can’t stay out late partying like you used to. You have Jasey to look after, and it would be selfish on my part to be mad at you for leaving early. I figured she would get tired and want to go home anyways, so it’s no big deal, really. If anyone asks though, we could just tell them that I decided it would be best if you watch her tonight since I’m staying with Nicole, deal?” I nodded my head and with that both of us headed back downstairs.

To my surprise, no one seemed concerned that I was leaving with Jasey instead of her staying with Alex. They were too wrapped up in their own conversations to even notice I was leaving. It didn’t take long to get back to my house, but that didn’t prevent Jasey from falling asleep on the way there. I unbuckled her from her car seat and carried her inside. Alex and I went over to Jennifer’s house earlier today to get Jasey’s belongings seeing as she was going to stay with me from now on. I also got legal custody of Jasey today, which was a very exciting but nerve wracking thing as well. I kept telling myself that I was going to be the best dad I could be for my daughter, however, doubtful thoughts kept creeping in my mind. I was happy I had Alex and Jennifer with me throughout the process. They continued to tell me that I was going to be a great father, and I was happy to hear the kind words from them. Jasey woke up enough so I could change her into her pajamas, but as soon as her head hit the pillow she was fast asleep. I smiled to myself; she was too adorable when she slept. I quietly left the room, getting ready to change myself when the doorbell rang. I sighed to myself, running my fingers through my hair, getting ready to hear Jasey cry, but I guess she was a heavy sleeper because not a word came from her room. Either that, or she was just too tired to care that the doorbell rang. I hurried downstairs to answer it, curious as to who would be at my house when everyone I knew was over at Nicole’s. I opened the door, not expecting to see the person standing in front of me.

At first, I couldn’t even form a sentence. We stared at each other for a minute and then she spoke.

“Well, are you going to let me in or what?” I gulped, letting her inside, closing and locking the door behind me. I still wasn’t sure what to say so I just asked the first thing that came to mind.

“What are you doing here Marissa?” My teeth clenched and my hands were clenched up into fists by my sides. She turned around to face me, giving me this ‘isn’t it obvious’ look.

“I saw her Jack.” I was praying that this wasn’t what she came here to talk about. I had hope, but hearing her say those words, that hope diminished fairly quickly. I didn’t want to talk about this, not now, not ever. She didn’t deserve to even know about her, seeing as she is the one that gave her up for adoption. If she didn’t care about her then, why would she care about her now? I sighed, closing my eyes. I knew who she was talking about, but decided to play dumb. Maybe she was talking about a different person; hah, yeah right, who was I kidding.

“Saw who?” I asked, holding onto the little hope I had left. She scoffed at me, not believing the words that came out of my mouth.

“Oh don’t even play dumb Barakat; you know damn well who I’m talking about. I saw our daughter tonight Jack, upstairs in one of Nicole’s guest bedrooms. I decided not to talk to you about the situation right then because I didn’t feel like it was the right time or place, but when I saw you leaving with her I couldn’t help myself. Curiosity got the best of me and I followed you home, wondering why you were bringing her back to your house. So, that’s why I’m here Jack, to get answers. I think I deserve to know why you have our daughter and why you’ve kept this information from me.”

I seriously couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I really wish there could be a time where we could have a civil conversation with each other, but I doubt that would ever happen. So much stuff has gone on between us that it is very difficult to put the pieces back together, no matter how hard one of us tries, it just won’t happen. I tried to keep my composure, for Jasey’s sake, but I just don’t understand how she could come in here and act like I did something wrong. I don’t understand why she was pointing the finger at me when she was the one that decided not to be a part of Jasey’s life five years ago. Maybe she was trying to act innocent because she doesn’t know that I know the entire story, but I wasn’t having it.

“If I remember correctly, YOU were the one that gave Jasey up for adoption five years ago, and YOU were the one that decided to keep this information from me for five years now! You don’t deserve to know anything Marissa, not now, not ever. Now get out of my house!” As I spoke to her, my voice continued to rise and as much as I tried to keep the yelling at a minimum, I just couldn’t. All of the hate I had for this girl, especially when I found out I had a daughter, came out all at once. I was beyond livid. I opened the door with force, slamming it back against the wall, and that was when I heard the cries from my daughter. I absolutely hated hearing her cry; it broke my heart. I turned around to see that she was standing at the foot of the stairs. She seemed scared out of her mind, probably because of me. She’s never seen me yell like that before and I wouldn’t blame her for being scared. I just wish she didn’t have to see that unfold. It wasn’t pretty. I looked at Marissa who looked back at me and then back at Jasey. Then she walked out of the house, leaving me to deal with Jasey. I closed the door behind me, but it didn’t block out the sound of car tires screeching against the road pavement. I could care less if Marissa was mad at me or not. All I cared about was Jasey. I slowly walked towards her, but the closer I got towards her, the father she got from me. Great, now she was scared of me. I crouched down to her level,

“Jasey, baby, I’m sorry you had to hear me yelling like that. I didn’t mean to wake you up, okay?” I said softly, so I wouldn’t startle her anymore than I already had. “Come here,” I said hoping she would come running towards me, but she didn’t. She just stood there, still as a statue. I tried walking towards her again, however, instead of being silent again, she screamed, loudly.

“Go away! I want Alex!” she exclaimed, as more tears fell down her face. It broke my heart to hear those words come from her. I hated myself more than ever that I lost my cool earlier. I shouldn’t have done that, knowing that my daughter was just upstairs. All of those negative thoughts about me being a bad father came back, hitting me like a ton of bricks. I tried to keep myself from bursting out into tears as I dialed Alex’s number.

“Hello?” he said, picking up on the second ring.

“Alex, could you come over? It’s important. I made a big mistake,” I said as my voice cracked a little. Without asking why, he said he would be over as fast as he could. I looked over at Jasey, who was still crying, at the foot of the stairs. I had to look away before I burst into tears myself. Not five minutes later, Alex walked in the door, and as soon as Jasey saw him she ran over to him, jumping into his arms, bawling into his shoulder.

“Hey Jasey, why are you crying?” he asked softly, rubbing his hand on her back to calm her down. She then looked over at me,

“Daddy scares me,” and as soon as she said those words, a questioning look came across Alex’s face.

“Why does he scare you honey?” he asked. She looked up at him, tears continuing to stream down her face,

“He….yelled….really….loudly,” she said, trying to catch her breath. Now Alex was more confused than he was before. I motioned for him to come over and sit on the couch by me. Continuing to hold Jasey, he did so and then looked at me, wanting to know the reason as to why Jasey was so scared. I could tell her grip around Alex’s neck had tightened, seeing as she was really close to me now. Alex just continued to rub circles on her back; she was still crying, but not as hard as before.

“Jasey fell asleep on the way home, and after I had put her to bed the doorbell rang, and it was Marissa. She ended up following me home because she saw Jasey at the party. She just decided not to tell me because she didn’t think it was the time or place to get into the topic. She basically demanded that I’d tell her why I had our daughter and why I was keeping this a secret. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing, Alex. She had no right to come into my house and demand those things from me when she kept the information that I had a daughter away from me for five years now. It just wasn’t fair, but then again, life isn’t fair, and you just have to take the good with the bad, but I just didn’t want to tell her anything and all of that pint up frustration I had towards her just came out right then and there. I just started yelling at her, but little did I know that Jasey was standing right there, witnessing the entire thing. Now she’s scared of me because she’s never seen me that angry before, and I really wish she hadn’t.” I looked over at Alex, catching my breath. Jasey had stopped crying, but continued to hold on to Alex for dear life. I could tell by the look on Alex’s face that he’s just as mad at Marissa as I was earlier.

“Jasey, look at me,” Alex said. She slowly lifted her head up from his shoulder, looking at him. “You do know your daddy wasn’t yelling at you, right?” She stared at him for a moment, and then nodded her head. “Were you just scared because you’ve never seen him act that way before?” Again, she nodded her head. “Listen, your daddy will never hurt you or yell at you in any way possible unless you are misbehaving, okay?” She nodded her head, letting him know she understood. Then she talked for the first time since this entire incident went down.

“It was just scary,” she said, leaning her head against Alex’s shoulder again. “I know babe, but he wasn’t trying to scare you, okay?” She then looked over at me, crawling off of Alex’s lap and into mine. She wrapped her arms around me tightly,

“I’m sorry daddy I didn’t listen to you the first time,” she said, as I felt tears stream down her face and onto my shirt. I hugged her tightly, rubbing her back.

“I’m the one that should be apologizing baby, not you. I’m sorry you had to witness that, okay?” She looked at me; her big brown eyes identical to mine staring back at me. I wiped the remaining tears from her face with my thumb. I looked over to let Alex know that I could handle it from here, but he was nowhere to be seen. He came back in the room, looking pale as ever.

“I just got off the phone with Jennifer. She would like you to come by her office tomorrow, and she didn’t seem too happy.” What did I do now?