What I Should Have Said

I kissed his lips tenderly, taking in this moment.

We sat out on the dock a few minutes away from home. The sun was just leaving the empty space of the sky to set along a cloud on the horizon.

I nudged my head deeper into his shoulder, and repositioned myself to get more comfortable.
“Baby,” His voice whispered, “I love you.”
I opened my eyes slightly, adjusting to the brightness. I then looked up at him and stared into his bright blue eyes, “I love you too, Luke.”
He gave me a charming smile and tightened his grip around my waist, letting me know he loved the words that just came out of my mouth.

Luke and I go way back –Hell you could practically call me a Schenn myself. I met the Schenns when my family moved to Saskatchewan, right across the street from them. I was only two at the time, Luke was three. We became best friends –Brayden joined in the mix after he was born. Luke and I got together as a couple when I was sixteen.

After a few more minutes, the sun was nowhere in sight.
“Let’s head back to my place.” Luke stated, his voice still quieted.
I nodded, agreeing.

Both of us slowly got to our feet. After doing so, our hands attached and our fingers intertwined with each other. Luke’s thumb drew circles on my hand as we completed the short walk back to his house.

I blinked, and suddenly, I wasn’t walking to Luke’s house anymore.

I was at the 2008 NHL entry draft. Tyler Meyers just got selected, and the fifth pick was about to take place.

“The Toronto Maple Leafs, proudly select from the Kelowna Rockets, Luke Schenn,” The booming voice over the microphone took a short pause, “Fifth overall.”

“Luke!” I jumped up.
He tangled me into a tight hug, “Monica, baby, I’m so happy you’re here.”
He kissed my head, and then, I pushed him away, “Go up there,” I nodded up to the stage, giving him a quirky look.
He laughed lightly and followed my instructions, making his way up to the stage.

That night Luke and I were walking the streets of Ottawa. Once we got to the Parliament Buildings we stopped for a minute, taking in the numerous lights gracing the area.

“Thank you so much for being here.” He repeated, his forehead was brought forward and was pressed against mine. I stared into those blue eyes again, loosing myself completely.
“I wouldn’t miss it for anything Luke,” I gave him a smile.

On cue, his lips met with mine. Starting slowly at first then growing into a more passionate kiss. I bit his bottom lip softly, before his tongue slid across my lips asking for entrance. I opened them, letting his tongue in, and my own to wander as well. My arms wrapped around his neck instinctively, and his around my waist. When we had to break for air, our lips grew apart, but our foreheads were still together, and arms in place.

“I love you, Monica, I love you so much.”
I pulled him in tightly to my body –his six foot frame towering over my five foot- in a loving hug. “I love you Luke.” My eyes closed and I hid my face in his chest.

What I thought was moments later, I opened my eyes, but I wasn’t in Ottawa.

My feelings of happiness completely left me as I was sucked cold of all my emotions because of those blue eyes.

This was the memory that has driven me crazy for forty-five days, and forty-five sleepless nights.

“I understand that hockey is a major part of your life Luke, I really do!” My voice was firm, and confident.
“Then you know that I’m not always around, right?!” He replied.
“Luke,” My voice was softened, “I know, but it’s hard. It’s hard when your boyfriend of three years, and bestfriend of seventeen can’t wish you a ‘Happy Birthday.’ And don’t think this is just about that. You haven’t been around at all lately –maybe you have in body, but you haven’t been yourself.” Luke opened his mouth to speak but I cut him off to continue, “I’m sorry Luke, I’m sorry that it’s ending this way, but I can’t deal with this anymore. Goodbye Luke.”

I got up from the bed I was sitting on –Luke’s bed, and walked to the door. I opened it, and looked back one more time. Still sitting on the bed, Luke has a single tear running down his check, and more threatening to fall. My eyes contained the same emotions. He dropped his face to the ground, and I turned –walking out of his room, and then his house.

*

I wasn’t a weak person. I wasn’t a weak person at all. But sometimes, when someone who means so much to you, is gone –you break down. The past forty-five days -one thousand and eighty hours in other words, have been complete Hell for me. I haven’t been myself at all. I haven’t seen Luke, aside from watching his games. My social life has been non-existent. Whenever I haven’t been asleep, I’ve been walking around a body without a soul. I heard that Luke hadn’t been himself since our break either -and that hurt me even more.

Finally, on the forty-sixth day, I cracked. I decided to go crawling back to the only thing I’ve ever really had.

After getting out of my bed, I tried to look at least a little decent. I walked out of my room feeling like a new person –with new hope. As I walked onto the main floor, my mother looked over at me from the couch and smiled, she could tell I was trying to undo my mistake.

I exited my house, breathing in the fresh spring air. After checking both ways, I crossed the street to reach the Schenn household. I had a nervous smile etched on my face as I rang the doorbell. His mother, Rita, opened the door and looked at me.

There was no expression on her face, so I decided to break the silence, “Hi Rita, would I be able to talk to Luke?”
She pulled me into a tight hug, right then and there. Her and I had been close –she was like a second mother to me, but this hug, I could tell was from desperation.
“Honey,” Her voice was strained as we pulled away from the hug. She looked me in the eyes and said softly, “Luke died. He was in a car accident –we got the call a few minutes ago.”

Right then, I felt my world come crashing down. I fell to the ground and wept.

*

I stood up at the microphone. The room was filled with many familiar faces –some from the rink, some family members, and other people –many who were from school.

“I can easily say, this is the hardest thing I’ve had to do... worse than writing my SATs, bungee jumping, and even dealing with the boys after they lost the Memorial Cup,” A few sad chuckles spread around the room, and even flowed out of my own mouth. “Luke was and still is the most important person in my life. He’s been there for me since I can remember, and it was so hard to break things off with him –something I wish I never did. I wish I could have spent his last moments with him. He was a great guy; tough on the ice, and a softy off of it. There’s many memorable things about Luke, but the one thing that will stick with me is something he used to tell me,” My voice cracked, “ "In the end, everything is okay, if it’s not, it’s not the end." ” A sob escaped from my lips but I continued, “Right now, everything’s not okay, so we know it’s not the end –it’s just a new beginning. We have to know that Luke will always be with us, all of us. We have to live our lives to the fullest and cherish every moment we have with each other...’cuz we never know if it’ll be our last.” As I stepped away from the microphone, I burst into tears.

Brayden pulled me into a tight hug, and spoke, “You have to listen to what you just said and what Luke always said: “Everything will be okay.” ”
I nodded wordlessly into his chest.

*

I sat down on the dock that Luke and I sat on, ten years ago to this day. I pulled a paper out of my pocket and starred down at it. Rita had given this to me earlier today, after finding it hidden in their house. My eyes scanned over the words on the page, dated March the fifteenth; the day he died;

“But I never told you. What I should have said. No I never told you. I just held it in;”Was written, I paused my reading to take a deep breath, and then continued,

“And now, I miss everything about you. I can't believe that I still want you. After all the things we've been through. I miss everything about you, without you.”

My eyes looked over the page one more time, and I collapsed into tears, smudging the ink on the page.