The Only Way I've Got to Reach Her

Cassie and I had been mildly dating for a few months…it was a fiery, passionate relationship that seemed to explode from seemingly nothing. For a relationship only about a year old, it seemed that the pen-pals kind of beginning we had started us out with already knowing almost everything about each other. What made it special was that we continued to amaze each other; we were never bored with one another. She’d take me out for days to the park and do something that would just render me speechless. It didn’t matter what it was, the way she dressed for me (she always seemed to think that she needed to impress me…like she was competing with other girls for my affection. I could understand how she would get that idea, but she was a cut above everyone else. We had what I could never have with any of them.) Maybe she would surprise me after a game with some fancy hung lights up in a tree with a little blanket underneath and have us dancing to music from a little boom box she put out. Maybe she decided to take us out on the water to go fishing (which we both weren’t really all that good at.) She was so creative…and it was amazing, that even sitting in a boat with nothing going on, we enjoyed each other’s company. We laughed all the time, and she was so cute…

She was patient; she wasn’t needy and didn’t demand much of me. Maybe she was afraid of coming off as clingy and pushing me away, but on road trips she would only send me a few text messages to tell me good luck and that she’d watch the game. If we won it was a simple “I’m proud of you, you played so well!” And it was always comforting if we lost or I didn’t do so well. It was a losing battle to try and convince her to take Sabres tickets to go to a game or go sit in the club seats with the other wives. They would ask about her as I passed by to leave for home after a game, wondering where she was, why they never met her.

I came home to an empty house for the too-many-th time. It was quiet, there was hardly any warmth in the house. There was a time when this house did feel warm, but now…with there being a comparison to the nights spent with her…everything paled in color…everything seemed so much colder. I wanted to be around her always….and it seemed like I couldn’t…because of her apprehension.

I looked neurotically at my phone for the millionth time, seeing the same text message she’d sent about half an hour ago. Maybe she didn’t really care about me the way I’d come to care about her. She wasn’t using me for anything…which I found confusing, but everyone was different.

She could have been shy, taking it slow for the same reasons that I was nervous about her. Maybe she didn’t think I cared about her the same way that she cared about me. She seemed to put a lot of effort in trying to win me over. You don’t put up that kind of effort unless you want to get with someone…usually anyway. Usually you don’t send a guy a mixed tape…so I really couldn’t use normalcy against her. And that’s kind of why I liked her so much.

“What are you doing tonight?” I texted back. I never really texted…ever, but I wanted to talk to her. She said that talking on the phone took up too much of my time and she didn’t want to be the focus of my attention when I could be doing other, better things. What could be better than talking to her? I wasn’t sure, but I texted for her, so I could indulge her. She didn’t really find herself important…unfortunately. I thought she was amazing…really.

“Just hanging out.” She sent back. I frowned, biting my lip. She always seemed to be just hanging out as opposed to doing anything that would prevent us from going out to dinner or something. I tipped my head as I wrote back.

“You want me to come grab you to go out to dinner?” I tipped my head, sending that much to her. I opened another message, writing another. “If you want, you can come here and we can make a frozen pizza and watch a movie.” I suggested, wondering if she just didn’t wanna go out.

“You want me to come down?”

“Well yeah…I mean…if you want to…” I bit my lip.

“Let me get dressed and I’ll be there…you pick the movie.” I shook my head then.

“No…come here in your lounge clothes.” I grinned. “You don’t need to get fussed up for me…”

“You sure?” I knew she would question me. I knew it.

“Yeah…get here quick.” I encouraged, moving to my freezer and grabbing a pizza, preheating the oven and getting ready to throw it in. I ran upstairs to change into a long shirt and some boxers so I could get comfortable myself. I never really got cold, which was kind of amazing, considering how thin I was…I didn’t really store heat. I guess I was just a tolerable guy.

The doorbell rang and I smiled, pulling the pizza out of the oven before I went to the door. I smiled to see her in a baggy ‘Miller’ shirt and some college sweatpants. She had some slippers on and I couldn’t help but shake my head.

“You know that’s illegal, right” I teased. She bit her lip, watching me hold the door and walking past me.

“You told me not to get ready…so I didn’t.” She said softly, looking at me. I rolled my eyes, sighing as I shut the door behind her, locking it.

“I didn’t mean to break the law.” I teased, shaking my head as I followed her in. “Pizza’s cooling, movie’s picked.” I informed her.

“What are we watching?” She asked curiously.

“Alice in wonderland.” Her face screwed up in confusion and I laughed, taking out my pizza cutter and starting to slice up the cheese pizza. “Don’t look at me like that…I heard it was really good and never saw it!” I giggled, shaking my head, grabbing a plate and putting a slice on each of two plates. I handed it over to her, smiling as I lead us to the living room.

That was the first night she slept over. She carefully slept on the couch…she did everything proper, everything slow and not trying to seem like she wanted too much too fast. That was truly endearing, and equally frustrating. She was awake before I was…and she’d helped herself to another attempt to impress me. She’d made pancakes for breakfast with some bacon. I shook my head, smiling at her.

“You spoil me.” I whispered. She shrugged and grinned as she pushed her plate to me, tipping her head.

“I do…and I like it.” She smiled. Her hair was messed up, all scattered from her sleep. I grinned, digging into my breakfast. God this woman could cook.

We’d had many nights like that. Many more months of her sleeping over, of her spending time with me. It moved slowly, but soon we migrated from two separate rooms, to sharing the same bed…sleeping with each other. It was time now to make a move, more than anything.
She was out one night, and I used my time to make a CD. I smiled as I sat in front of my computer, with my guitar in one hand. I decided, instead of a CD, I’d use my webcam to make a DVD.

“I Cassie…I’m…I’m not really…good at talking…but...I wanted to make you something special.” I waved at the camera, looking down at my guitar. I bit my lip, starting to just play, using everything I’d learned to kind of compose a song for her. I didn’t exactly know the song by heart, but I knew that I wanted it to sound like. I’d been playing with the same chords in the past few days. Just the way they sounded reminded me of her, so beautiful, simple…and attractive in how they could be put together and made up to impress me.

I played this song for a few moments, my fingers dancing up and down the neck of the guitar, making the strings sing in different pitches. My hair hung in my face…before my eyes, kind of obstructing my view…but I didn’t need to see it. I pulled the string as I finished my song, sliding my hair out of my face and looking at the little camera. I looked onto the table beside the computer, picking up a house key.

I gulped, closing my eyes for a moment. “Wow…I didn’t think…doing it this way…would make me so…nervous…” I laughed softly. “This is the key to my house…” I told the computer. “I’d love it…if you’d keep it…and think of it as yours.” I smiled, biting my lip as I put the key on the table.

Before the game I dropped the key and CD in her mailbox, with a little post it note that read “watch me.”

I was playing a game that night…and uncharacteristically left my phone on. I wanted a phone call…I wanted to hear her voice…her her answer. My mind dwelled on the video…not the key…but the ending.

I left the game after a win, and she was there, standing in a trench coat…looking out of her element. She moved to me quickly, grabbing me by the lapels of my jacket, forcing her lips powerfully on mine in a way I wasn’t used to. She gasped as she pulled away, still holding my lapels as she looked up at me.

“Yes…to all of it…yes.” She whispered breathlessly. I couldn’t stop the smile that spread over my lips, grabbing her, crushing her to my chest.

I thought about seeing myself on that computer screen again, the ending to that video.
I remembered how I’d reached into my pocket, feeling how I got nervous. My fingers shook as I pulled out a little diamond ring…not too big, bordered by sapphires and looking…so beautiful…yet so small…

“I’d love it…if you’d think of…me as yours too.”