Not A Soul

When I was younger I use to wonder what was wrong with my family. I use to think it was my fault, that it was something I did. I use to think that it was I who fucked everything up.

That monster, he always told me that I was a mistake and that he wish they never had me. He told me I’m the reason they were the way they were. He’d say all this with a smile on his face because he was just that fucked up.

I believed him for so long. I believed that I was the reason they were practically killing themselves so I let them beat me. I let that monster hit me. I let that bitch scream at me and touch me like the filthy whore that she is.

I thought it was normal. I thought that it was normal for the child to mess things up and that it was always their fault. I thought it was ok for the dad to hit his son for being a mess up. I thought it was ok for the mother to touch her little boy.

I thought it was ok for them to do what they wanted with me.

But as I grew older I soon realized that it was never my fault and that what they were doing was all wrong. I learned that a child’s parent should be kind, thoughtful, and considerate. I learned that beating your child is wrong and that touching them like she did with me was never supposed to happen.

They were and are just fucked up and I just happened to be put into the mix.

I learned to live with that disgusting house hold. I learned to avoid the used needles, the drugs, the broken glass bottles from the beer, and the drunks and whores who use to come and go from our trailer home. I learned that it wasn’t me who made this family so fucked up, it was them and their ignorance.

At school I acted like nothing was wrong. I wasn’t stupid. I knew if people found out about my home I’d be taken away, that was something I didn’t want. I didn’t want to go to an orphanage where I might possibly be sent to a worse family. I’ve heard about the horrible foster system and I didn’t want to be put into it so I kept my mouth shut.

I smiled. I laughed. I played.

I was just like the other kids on the outside, but on the inside I was nothing more than an empty shell. I felt cold, alone, and worthless. I felt sad all the time and I never knew what to do to make me happy. I didn’t even know what the word happy meant then…

I never slept well back then either. Still don’t.

Her screams were what filled my ears at night. His laughter was what haunted my nightmares. Their taunting grins and cruel words were what made me quiver in fear in the dark. They are, were the reasons for my nightmares, for my cries, and I’ll never forgive them.

That creature, that monster, he comes and goes as he pleases. He leaves us, his “family” behind whether it be for a few days, weeks, months…or even a year. But every time that monster returns she takes him back without a second thought.

It’s no surprise to me though. She’s just as bad as him.

I say nothing although on the inside I’m screaming. She’s an idiot, I know this, but I didn’t know she was that big of an idiot. They both end up getting drunk, doing drugs, and fucking like horny animals on and on, not caring that their only son is there to watch them ruin their lives…

Or what is left of their lives.

They don’t care that what they are doing is only a bad influence to me. They don’t care that because of them I started to smoke and drink in hopes that I’d be able to get away from them. They don’t care that I started to fuck around in hopes to fill some type of adrenaline.

They don’t care about me, at all, and they never have.

Not that I want them to. I enjoy being an asshole. I like hurting others, seeing the pain on their faces. I love being the one to cause harm to other because…I guess I believe that I’ve been through so much shit so why the hell can’t they?

I like breaking the rules. I like smoking. I like drinking. I like fucking. It’s my life now. It’s the way I am. Their ways have made me the way I am now.

Nothing more than an inconsiderate, cold asshole who cares about no one but himself.

I like being selfish. It’s just the way I am and it’s all because of their fucked up ways.