Not A Soul

Do you know that feeling, the one telling you something bad is going to happen so you avoid everything that could possibly be the reason? Do you know that feeling, the one that says today is going to be a bad day, something is going to happen today that is going to change the course of your life? And although you have this feeling, somehow you still manage to run into it no matter how hard you try.

Do you? Because I do. It’s happening right now. That reason is right in front of me, his back against the wall, eyes boring into my own, mouth set into a frown, fear and anger swirling in his eyes.

I’ve been trying to avoid him. I’ve been looking around corners, down halls, into classrooms, desperately trying to avoid this one boy. But my precautions have been in vain because here I am, far too close to the one boy who has been messing with my head since the beginning.

Curt squirms before me and I can tell he desperately wants to repeat that ‘fuck you’ he had just thrown my way, but he bit his tongue and kept quiet. Being the taunting asshole that I am, I scoff. “What’s wrong, Curt? Scared?”

“No!” He lies through his teeth and deep down I feel my chest caving in on itself. For the past 4 years all I’ve ever wanted is to be feared, to be left alone, but for some reason knowing that I frighten Curt so much that he can’t even speak with me hurts.

But I only fan the flames. It’s the way I am,but I’m sure Curt can change that.

I take a menacing step forward and Curt, who is now pinned, stiffens. I can feel the warmth of his body radiating off him, which tells me I’m far too close, but it doesn’t stop me from pressing myself firmly against him. I don’t know why I’m so close, to be more intimidating maybe? I’m not entirely sure…

But I’m not liking this feeling eating away at my chest. I should move, really I should. I should back away, cuss him out, stalk off to class, and forget about it, but I can’t. My body and mind are two entirely different things.

“G-get off,” Curt attempts to sound frightening, but the stuttering and fear leaking from his voice easily gives him away.

“And why the hell would I do that?” I ask, lying my arms on either side of his head.

“Because I said so, damn it!” Curt scowls, going to shove me, but I grip his wrist tightly and growl.

“Don’t touch me.”

“I can touch you if I want to! Fuck you, Kellin! You’re so fucking confusing. Damn it, I just hate you so much!”

There’s this weird pinching feeling in my chest. I put it off as a deadly disease instead of the pain from hearing him say that.

“You’re always acting like such a jerk, especially to me! My life was fine until you came back. I had Hanley to always make me laugh and smile, but you ruin everything!”

Hanley, that little fuck. It was always my job to make him smile when we were younger. I made him laugh. I hugged him. I held him. I listened to him. I kissed away his tears when he cried. I was his best friend. He was mine. That cute little Curtie was always mine…why am I remembering that now? Damn it!

“You’re always cussing me out, hurting me, and…I don’t even know who you are anymore. You’re nothing like you used to be! You’re not Kelly anymore! You don’t even care-”

I don’t know what I was thinking or if I was even thinking at all. All I know is that I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to hear anymore that he had to say. I didn’t want to hear about how much he hated me, how much I ruined everything, how much he rather be withthat little fuck Hanley instead of me. Because Curt is mine, whether he knows it or I want to admit it, he’s mine and he always has been. And maybe this kiss will tell him that…

I crash my lips against his own, to shut him up or not I’m not sure. His lips felt just like I imagined, warm, soft, welcoming. Although it was more a clash of teeth and tongue than anything else, a kiss is a kiss.

Curt becomes still and although my eyes shut I can tell that his are wide with shock. The boys mouth went dry from shock and as a form of apology I push my tongue past his frozen lips and run it across every little crevice of his mouth.

Wait a second…warm, tongue, kissing?

My eyes snap open in shock and I pull away. I know that the mask I’ve worn for so long has finally slipped because I honestly can’t believe it as I look down at the bruised lips that I caused. I can’t believe I just did that…

Fuck, what the hell was I thinking? That’s right, I wasn’t thinking at all!

I can’t believe I’m the reason he’s a panting mess. I can’t believe I’m the reason his lips are swelling. I can’t believe I’m the reason his eyes are wide with confusion. I can’t believe I just kissed Curt…the one I’ve wanted to kiss for so long.

“Shit,” is all I can say before I quickly turn and bolt out of his view, out of this school, as far away from Curt as I can get because damn…how could I have been so stupid?