Not A Soul

I stare down at the sleeping boy in my arms. His chest rises and falls slowly and his fingers grip the fabric of my shirt. He sniffles in his sleep and his legs only tangle themselves with my own more but I don’t stop him. Even with his tear stained cheeks and slightly puffy eyes he still looks gorgeous. I’ll never admit that aloud.

I stroke his side and if he were awake I definitely wouldn’t do this but I lean in and press my lips to his forehead. He leans into my touch and damn, for once in my life I feel like such a fucking dick and I actually feel bad about it. I feel guilty and I just want to punch myself in the face for doing that.

Fuck, how could I have been so stupid? How could I have made Curt feel like that? I’m such a dumb ass. He is no where near a one night stand. If he were, I’d have fucked him already but Curt is…important. He may not know it but he’s very important to me.

Maybe I should tell him…fuck no.

I shouldn’t have to tell him. He should know. I mean, I’m fucking dating him and why would I put up with him if he weren’t important? Groaning, I run my fingers through my hair but fall silent when Curt whines in his sleep. When I know that he’s fine, I sigh and chew mercilessly at my bottom lip.

I did make him feel like shit though. I did do something terrible. Maybe I should do something nice for him? A date, maybe? Fuck. I don’t know. I’ve never been in this type of situation before so how the hell am I supposed to know what to do?

Fuck.

~

I can’t believe I’m doing this. Honestly, I’m acting like such a…boyfriend. But that’s exactly what I am, a boyfriend. Shouldn’t I take the one I’m dating out, even if it’s just for a walk or a movie? Shouldn’t I tell them how I feel? It’s what couples do…but it isn’t what I do.

Sighing, I slam my hand against the desk. I glare at the computer screen before me and debate on blowing my brains out because really…I can‘t honestly be doing this. But I should because fuck, I feel terrible, like someone just stabbed me in the chest and ripped my heart out. Although Curt forgave me, I feel like he shouldn‘t have and I should do something to make up for what I did.

It isn‘t normal for me to feel like this, to think like this and fuck…I don‘t know what to do and that‘s why I‘m here, doing this…stupid, embarrassing thing that I‘ll never admit that I did. I’ve been on about every website known to man kind that has lists of ways to show how you feel to your loved ones. Embarrassing, right? The pink background isn’t helping the cause…

My eye twitches as I realize that just about everything involves embarrassing myself so I click off and lean back in my chair. Glaring up at the ceiling, I curse whatever being it is that is making my chest hurt because really…he forgave me, I should feel fine, but I don’t!

I want to do something for him but that’ll make me seem soft.But for Curt, I am soft. I snarl angrily and get up from my chair. Pacing my room, I throw my hands behind my back and stare at the floor as if it’ll suddenly give me the answer.

I have to do something nice for him. I know I do but what? What could I possibly do for him without me somehow managing to screw it all up? I’m no good with these types of things and I know, I just know that if I try to do something for Curt I’ll only ruin it and I don’t want him to feel like shit because of me, again.

Sighing, I reach for my wallet. I planned on spending this money on beer and cigarettes but I think we all know what, or rather who, is more important. Groaning, I mentally slap myself for doing this but I call Curt anyways.

“Hello?”

“Get dressed, I’m coming up in ten.” And before he has time to really say anything, I hang up. Just like I said, I made it there in ten minutes and Curt stares at the car that I managed to get my hands on. He jumps into the passenger side and asks.

“Is this your parents? They’ll kill you if they find out you took it!”

I shrug. “Whatever, like I care.”

“Where are we going anyways?”

“You’ll see.”

Curt whines but falls silent beside me. Some time during the drive Curt turned on the radio and started humming along with the music. I smirk and sneak peeks out of the corner of my eye. He watches curiously as we pass one place after the other and when we finally arrive at our destination he looks at me with wide eyes that clearly states he’s surprised.

“Kellin…are you taking me on a-”

“No way,” I cut him off because I don’t want to hear it. Even if it is that I don’t want to admit it and Curt just grins because he knows that this is indeed a …date. But he doesn’t say it and gets out of the car, walking far too close to me to be considered friendly.

The restaurant isn’t anything special. I don’t have the money for that but it’s a restaurant none the less so Curt better be fucking pleased with it because I sat in front of that computer screen for hours trying to find something for us to do together.Hopefully I don’t mess this up too…

A waiter takes us to a booth near the back, which I’m thankful for. We take our seats across from each other and when I look across to see Curt smiling from ear to ear I feel this little spark in my chest and I bite my lip to keep myself from smiling like an idiot because…it feels kind of…good to be making Curt this happy.

“Get whatever you want,” I tell him because I know that he’ll try to find the cheapest thing. “And I swear if you pick the cheapest thing I’ll kick your ass.”

Curt snickers. “Sure you will…you didn’t have to do this Kelly.”

“Yes I did,” I grumble, using the menu to hide my face because really, this is too embarrassing. I can’t believe I’m doing this. He better be damned pleased because I’ve never done this, for anyone. “Don’t get use to this.”

“Don’t ruin the mood, Kelly,” Curt teases and I take chance and look over the menu to see him smiling sweetly at me. Quickly, I go back to hiding behind the menu and he laughs at me. Fucker. I’m never doing this again.

After ordering what we wanted, I checked to make sure Curt didn’t pick the cheapest thing, which he didn’t so I slide the menu towards the waiter and frown because now my protection is gone. I place my elbows on the table and sit my head on my hands while watching Curt sip from his drink.

“What made you do this?” Curt asks as if he didn’t know the answer. I debate on leaning over and punching him because I really don’t want to answer that. Doesn’t he see that I’m already dying to run out of here? Dates are so…lovey-dovey.

“What the hell do you think?” I grumble and he blinks and it takes a few minutes before he whispers an ‘oh’ and nods.

“So you’re sucking up?” He teases, leaning over to press a chaste kiss to my lips. He’s really pushing his luck…

“No,” I snap and Curt rolls his eyes but the smile is still there and I feel that guilt from earlier slowly disappear and I sigh in relief because I managed to do something in this “relationship” right, for once. I made Curt smile and that’s all that really matters.

After we finish eating Curt manages to talk me into going to the mall with him. I groan the entire time he drags me from store to store to do nothing but look, which I find pointless. By the time he is done window shopping it’s dark out and we’re heading home.

“Thanks Kelly, for today,” Curt says after I pull into his drive way. I have just enough time to turn and face him before his lips are pressing against my own. But he pulls away before I have time to react. “It was fun.”

It better have been…

“Yeah,” I mumble more to myself than him. I sigh and watch Curt get out of the car, part of me tells me to walk him to the door but fuck, I’ve embarrassed myself enough today and I’m about to embarrass myself some more at what I’m going to sigh so lets not do that.

I watch him walk up his porch and to his front door. I bite my lip and just as he touches the door knob I roll down the window and call for him, “Curtie!”

He looks back at me curiously and gives me a questioning look but that look disappears and turns into pure shock when I say, “I really like you.”

And I make sure that I’m out of that drive way and down the road before he even has time to fully comprehend what I had just said.