The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

“What did you just say?!” she yelled at me, shock saturating her voice. Was she really unable to hear me? I think a deaf person could have understood me, what with the emotion that I assumed was written all over my face.

“I said I hated him.” The void of tone in my voice showed more than the words did.

And with that, I walked. I turned on my heel and left them standing there alone in the room that suddenly felt so empty.

The stairs were beneath my feet before I knew it. The carpet cushioned my heavy footsteps as I lumbered up, the frustration of the previous situation being taken out on them. I was headed towards my room now, my only solace in the house. Soon to no longer be mine, as I would be abandoning it.

I didn’t have to stick around downstairs to know they were both standing there, flabbergasted. Her face was probably still contorted at my cruel words. And him, I didn’t even have enough strength to look him in the face after I said that. I didn’t care that I said it though; I didn’t care that I had said three of the cruelest words to ever leave my mouth: I hate you.

Did he know that I really meant it? Were they able to figure out that I had stopped lying months ago, and I meant those three words more than any “I love you” I’d ever said? The only thing I spoke now was truth, and I could bet they wouldn’t have believed me on that one. Hell, I wouldn’t have either if I were them. The lies I’d shamelessly spilled to them in prior years where what built up to how I was planning to leave now. Seemingly, the plans had only been made once those three, ugly words left my mouth.

I only owned two suitcases, but they were both stuffed with whatever belongings I could fit in them. I chose only the things that would be necessary, sprinkling in the items I loved. If I was really going to do this, there would be no coming back; thus I would have to pack smartly. The items I left behind stared at me as I haphazardly zipped the suitcases shut. My backpack was full of all my electronic gear, such as my laptop, iPod, and phone accessories. There was no way I could leave my connections to sanity behind.

My head was brewing with thoughts by the time I’d made it to the foot of the stairs, neither of the two to be seen. I supposed they were still standing in the kitchen, frozen. I didn’t bother to check though. If I even dared to face either of them after what I had just said, the suitcases clutched in my claw-like hands would have been packed in vain.

Then again, I wondered whether I would be able to face them and still feel the gut-retching hate for him when I looked at his face, ignoring her facial expressions long enough for me to storm out of the room again. Part of me knew that I wouldn’t be able to face them without dropping my things and trying to suck it up again, pretending like I hadn’t said those three words. But that wasn’t going to happen.

I said those words for a reason. I didn’t want a reason to stick around anymore.