Lies and Broken Smiles
01
What is it that they see? Why can't I see it?
It's my body I should be able to do whatever I want with it, even if it means I'm killing myself!
Nobody cares. It doesn't matter nothing matters.
Stupid and worthless is what I am.
I look in the mirror hate in my eyes I pinch the fat that covers me. It's all I am worthless.
I sit at the lunch table listening to my friends conversations with each other, they don't notice I'm not eating, and they don't notice how I disappear after. It feels like I'm slipping down a black hole and even though I want someone to notice I'll never reach for the help.
"Calista!" I heard a voice call out I turned to toward my friend Alice.
"What?"
"Why are you zoning out?"
"I'm just thinking about things." I said
"What type of things?"
"Nothing it doesn't matter." I said smiling "I'll be right back." I hurried to the bathroom I needed to get somewhere quite sometimes being with people over whelmed me the smell of food.
My stomach was in pain it was twisting and turning and demanding food but I ignored it. I turned on the tap and put my mouth under it drinking as much water as I could... Where are cups when I need one." It didn't help I am so hungry.
"Okay Calista you need something." I told myself but was too scared the idea of food was to much. I just stood there thinking of what to do.
I could have an apple, and then work my ass of when I get home.
I'll have to there is no choice.
I went to the line at the cafeteria and brought an apple. I stared at it before finally putting it in my mouth and chewing. I felt it go down my throat feeling like slime. My body welcomed the food, but my stomach felt so weird having this food in it. I was so used to it being empty. I could feel myself starting to panic I sat down and concentrated on my breathing.
'Calm down Calista it's only an apple.'
I sighed and pushed away the tears that felt like falling.
"Took you long enough." Alice said
"I got an apple." I said showing her my apple with one bite
"I thought you didn't have any money."
"I just didn't want to use it." I said
Alice laughed. I watched as she shoved food into her mouth so carefree. How could she do that? Maybe the better question is why can't I?
It's my body I should be able to do whatever I want with it, even if it means I'm killing myself!
Nobody cares. It doesn't matter nothing matters.
Stupid and worthless is what I am.
I look in the mirror hate in my eyes I pinch the fat that covers me. It's all I am worthless.
I sit at the lunch table listening to my friends conversations with each other, they don't notice I'm not eating, and they don't notice how I disappear after. It feels like I'm slipping down a black hole and even though I want someone to notice I'll never reach for the help.
"Calista!" I heard a voice call out I turned to toward my friend Alice.
"What?"
"Why are you zoning out?"
"I'm just thinking about things." I said
"What type of things?"
"Nothing it doesn't matter." I said smiling "I'll be right back." I hurried to the bathroom I needed to get somewhere quite sometimes being with people over whelmed me the smell of food.
My stomach was in pain it was twisting and turning and demanding food but I ignored it. I turned on the tap and put my mouth under it drinking as much water as I could... Where are cups when I need one." It didn't help I am so hungry.
"Okay Calista you need something." I told myself but was too scared the idea of food was to much. I just stood there thinking of what to do.
I could have an apple, and then work my ass of when I get home.
I'll have to there is no choice.
I went to the line at the cafeteria and brought an apple. I stared at it before finally putting it in my mouth and chewing. I felt it go down my throat feeling like slime. My body welcomed the food, but my stomach felt so weird having this food in it. I was so used to it being empty. I could feel myself starting to panic I sat down and concentrated on my breathing.
'Calm down Calista it's only an apple.'
I sighed and pushed away the tears that felt like falling.
"Took you long enough." Alice said
"I got an apple." I said showing her my apple with one bite
"I thought you didn't have any money."
"I just didn't want to use it." I said
Alice laughed. I watched as she shoved food into her mouth so carefree. How could she do that? Maybe the better question is why can't I?
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