Lies and Broken Smiles
10
It's ten am I had been looking forward to sleeping in but my appointment is at twelve.
I sit up in my bed and wait for the sleepiness to leave me, but it never does, I'm constantly tired, maybe that's because I barely sleep...
I get up and walk downstairs no one is up, as usual I'm the first one to wake up. I creep to the washroom and weigh myself.
The red numbers flash 98 pounds up in my face. How could this be? How can I gain two pounds in one day? I try to remind myself.
Its water weight, it's water weight.
It's like even if you know the reason for weight gain it doesn't matter your mind still calls you worthless and disgusting, it's like no matter how hard you try the monster in your mind is never satisfied. 90, 80, 70, 60 it doesn't matter, it's not good enough.
The monster takes control of your mind and makes you see a different person in the mirror. It rots your brain and finds ways to make compliments seem like insults or lies. I wish it would go away I want to be happy again.
"Calista, you're up?" My mum says surprised breaking my thoughts
"Yea I couldn't sleep."
"Well sweetie, go have some breakfast, I'll be there in a minute."
I walk back to the kitchen and stare at all the food, even without looking at the nutrition facts I still know the calories and grams of fat in all the food, every bowl, every slice. I know it all. It seems to be the only thing I'm good at remembering.
I pour myself some special K (120) and some soy milk (70) I sit down and at the table and just stare at it, before forcing some of it into my mouth.
I look at the clock it's eleven am I really should hurry up and get dressed. I rush to my room and start looking at everything in my closet, great nothing looks good on me I knew I shouldn't have ate, but I need to eat I need to do anything that will make me gain a little bit of weight because I know only being 98 pounds at my height isn't good. My healthy mind knows that. My disordered side tells me it's too much.
It's eleven-thirty I start drinking as much water as I can anything to gain just that tiny bit extra, I put two pound weights on over my legs my jeans covering them, 4 extra pounds right there, and as soon as I'm almost done we're off to the doctors.
I have to pee so bad my bladder is so full and I have to pee. I bounce around in my chair till mother tells me to stop fidgeting. Then I try to rest only to resume bouncing around and receiving a sigh from my mother, finally I'm called into the room and they take my weight and blood pressure and make sure I'm fine, I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the scale says, 105 pounds. I stay in the room a while longer before announcing my need to pee.
"Calista you should've gone before the doctors what if she arrives, we're going to have to wait for you."
"I'm sorry but I was kind of in a rush." I lie. I exit the room and then doctor arrives.
"Hello Calista. How are you?" She says with a cheery smile
"I'm good. How are you?"
"Good thank you for asking."
"So you're mother says that you've fainted recently and you have a lot of headaches, she's worried about your health." She looks at my mother as she says this
"I was just stressed that's all."
"Well her blood pressure seems to be normal and her weight while it may be low is still in a good range, I don't think we have anything to worry about." She gives mother a big grin
"We'll do a blood test just to make sure she's not anemic?
"I'm not anemic." I say
"Best to be on the safe side right."
"I guess."
After leaving the office we go to get my blood taken. I watch as the blood get sucked up into the little tube. Even if I may not like needles it's still fun to watch.
"There we go all done."
I walk out of there finally free to go home.
"See was that so bad?" Mother says
"Yea." I mutter under my breath so she doesn't hear.
I sit up in my bed and wait for the sleepiness to leave me, but it never does, I'm constantly tired, maybe that's because I barely sleep...
I get up and walk downstairs no one is up, as usual I'm the first one to wake up. I creep to the washroom and weigh myself.
The red numbers flash 98 pounds up in my face. How could this be? How can I gain two pounds in one day? I try to remind myself.
Its water weight, it's water weight.
It's like even if you know the reason for weight gain it doesn't matter your mind still calls you worthless and disgusting, it's like no matter how hard you try the monster in your mind is never satisfied. 90, 80, 70, 60 it doesn't matter, it's not good enough.
The monster takes control of your mind and makes you see a different person in the mirror. It rots your brain and finds ways to make compliments seem like insults or lies. I wish it would go away I want to be happy again.
"Calista, you're up?" My mum says surprised breaking my thoughts
"Yea I couldn't sleep."
"Well sweetie, go have some breakfast, I'll be there in a minute."
I walk back to the kitchen and stare at all the food, even without looking at the nutrition facts I still know the calories and grams of fat in all the food, every bowl, every slice. I know it all. It seems to be the only thing I'm good at remembering.
I pour myself some special K (120) and some soy milk (70) I sit down and at the table and just stare at it, before forcing some of it into my mouth.
I look at the clock it's eleven am I really should hurry up and get dressed. I rush to my room and start looking at everything in my closet, great nothing looks good on me I knew I shouldn't have ate, but I need to eat I need to do anything that will make me gain a little bit of weight because I know only being 98 pounds at my height isn't good. My healthy mind knows that. My disordered side tells me it's too much.
It's eleven-thirty I start drinking as much water as I can anything to gain just that tiny bit extra, I put two pound weights on over my legs my jeans covering them, 4 extra pounds right there, and as soon as I'm almost done we're off to the doctors.
I have to pee so bad my bladder is so full and I have to pee. I bounce around in my chair till mother tells me to stop fidgeting. Then I try to rest only to resume bouncing around and receiving a sigh from my mother, finally I'm called into the room and they take my weight and blood pressure and make sure I'm fine, I breathe a sigh of relief when I see the scale says, 105 pounds. I stay in the room a while longer before announcing my need to pee.
"Calista you should've gone before the doctors what if she arrives, we're going to have to wait for you."
"I'm sorry but I was kind of in a rush." I lie. I exit the room and then doctor arrives.
"Hello Calista. How are you?" She says with a cheery smile
"I'm good. How are you?"
"Good thank you for asking."
"So you're mother says that you've fainted recently and you have a lot of headaches, she's worried about your health." She looks at my mother as she says this
"I was just stressed that's all."
"Well her blood pressure seems to be normal and her weight while it may be low is still in a good range, I don't think we have anything to worry about." She gives mother a big grin
"We'll do a blood test just to make sure she's not anemic?
"I'm not anemic." I say
"Best to be on the safe side right."
"I guess."
After leaving the office we go to get my blood taken. I watch as the blood get sucked up into the little tube. Even if I may not like needles it's still fun to watch.
"There we go all done."
I walk out of there finally free to go home.
"See was that so bad?" Mother says
"Yea." I mutter under my breath so she doesn't hear.