Lies and Broken Smiles

"I can't believe summer is nearly here!" Alice exclaims happily.

I can I think to myself instead though I look at her and smile

"I know we'll finally be free!"

"I'm thinking of having a pool party on the first day of summer vacation."
My mind races with on no's but again I smile and say

"That's great! Sounds like so much fun!"

The bell rings as I walk to my next class I think about ways to lose weight what I should do.

Okay you need to restrict to half of what you have now, and you need to excersie much much more. You don't want everyone looking at your fat....... Oh but everyone will be
I'll never lose enough.

That is the constant battle that plays in your mind. The battle of never feeling thin enough or good enough. Sometimes you may catch a glimpse of what you truly look like, bones protruding under your skin, and dark circles under your eyes from many sleepless nights, but then when you take another look at yourself it's all gone, and all you see are flaws that you need to fix.

I skip lunch that day, I need to fast as much as I can summer is only a month away.
Dante rushes over to the table.

"Calista is it okay if I sit here?" He looks at me all my friends staring up at him

"Sure," After he sits down I introduce him to my friends

"So is he like your boyfriend?" Julie asks

"No." I say "His just a friend."

"Oh well that's not interesting." Says Julie turning back to her lunch

"Hey where is your food?" Ask Dante pointing at the empty spot in front of me

"Oh I like to eat when I get home." I lie

"Come on share some of mine." He says pushing is tray of food close to me

"No I feel bad taking your food." My eyes feeling like they are glued to the food.

Those chips are at least (200) calories. That drink probably (120) and that burger oh I don't even want to think about it!

"Don't feel bad." He smiles

I fail, my hand reaches for the food and my mind screams out

Don't you dare touch that food

I pick up a fry

Don't you dare put that in your mouth

I feel the salty taste in my mouth and I'm in heaven I haven't allowed myself food like this is
such a long time.

Spit that out right now you stupid girl!

I swallow it.

"See it's good." Dante smiles taking one for himself

I grab another and another before I know it half the plate is finished, and we are talking and laughing, and then the dreaded feeling comes. The way my stomach feels heavy is horrible, I sit there and leave the smile on my face trying my hardest to ignore it.

"So Dante what are your plans for the last day of school?"

It won't leave. I want to excuse myself for the rest room.

"I'm not sure yet. Probably do something with all my friends."

"Oh that's cool. Alice is having a big pool party, I can't wait."

You're stomach is going to be so big. You look like a pregnant woman and that's not okay if you're not
Shut up I urge my mind but it's no use

"I'll be right back Dante." I smile

"You're going to the bathroom?" Alice asks

"Yea..." I say

"Oh let me come with you?"

What NO!

"Well hurry get up." I wave my hand motioning for her to hurry while fighting tears
When we get to the bathroom Alice tells me that she wants me to help her with the party only of course if that's alright.

"Of course I'll help you." I say "Whatever you need, just call me and I'll come running over."

"Haha thanks you're the best. I can always count on you Calista." She smiles and hugs me

"I'll always be here to help." I say hugging her back

"Wow Calista! You're so tiny!" She saying and pokes a finger into my ribs I wince and withdraw immediately

"What? I'm so not tiny!" I say thinking back to what I had just eaten

"Yes you are." She laughs "Don't lose anymore or else you'll turn anorexic on me"
My mind becomes angry but I hold it back

Anorexia is not a joke!

"Of course not! I would never become one of them ew." I fake a laugh and we walk out of the bathroom back to the cafeteria table

"Took you long enough!"
I look at Dantes plate, I'm safe it's almost all gone.

"We were planning out details for her party."

"Oh well if you ever need any ideas let me know." He says to Alice

"Thanks!" She smiles at him

The bell rings and I run to my next class. At the lesson my mind is on the food that is sitting in me.

All that is ever on my mind is food food food. How to get out of eating it. How many calories are in this or that. How much excersie I need to burn it off.

How can people eat without worrying about the calories?

Then at night forget about sleep. Nope it's on to planning out tomorrows meal, and it's not like it's just one meal you plan, you make a few plans incase what you wanted to have isn't around.
You'll lay on your bed and hear your stomach asking for food and you'll go on pretending like it's nothing. You'll twist and turn because the hunger keeps you up, yet as easy as it would be, you won't allow yourself to go into the kitchen and get some food. However if you do allow yourself some food that results in either purging or excising the whole night your muscles will burn and ache but you will push them to go on, then finally you'll collapse into bed still thinking it's not enough, it never is.