Lies and Broken Smiles
17
What am I about to do.
Jess looks at me excited I might let her in.
The eating disorder monster yells at me.
You can't do this you obese whale!
I point for her to sit on the bed, the bed doesn't even show her sitting on it yet when I sit down the dip in the bed is sooo big it reaches the floor beneath us. Except no one can see it but me.
If I stand up it's just as bad you'll be able to see my body it's fat begging to rip out of my clothes.
"What is it Cali?" Ask Jess ripping me from my thoughts
I start biting my nails a nervous habit which I hate. Let the ground open up and swallow me I regret this so much right now.
"I don't know."
That's good you fat ass. Don't let her in isolate yourself!
"Cali you can't tell me something is wrong and then expect me to leave like it's nothing."
I want to let her in so bad but I can't, as if she'll believe me I'm a 93 pound obese whale.
Logically in my brain I know that 93 pounds is underweight, I know that I can't live at this weight, but the eating disorder monsters voice is so loud it drowns out the logical me, the smart me.
Score:
Me = 0
Monster = 1,000 x infinity
"Calista!" Jess snaps me out of my thoughts, I am constantly losing my focus
"Huh? What?"
"What are you gonna tell me."
I'm weak, I know you don't have to tell me.
"I- um I'm stressed out about school, and the party that Alice is having." I lie, I fail, I'm weak.
I'm sorry forgive me please, it's just I know you wouldn't believe me anyways.
Jessica looks at me she can see through the lie, she sighs.
"Goodnight Calista." She closes the door.
I can't believe you, you wasted all her time, and almost revealed your secret, dumb girl
Fuck you! Leave me the hell alone I yell back at my mind.
My anger is so high, I can't get rid of it, I punch the mirrors all around me, I'm a horrible person I don't want to see me, I don't want to know me, I don't want to be me.
I can't blame Jessica for being angry at me, I wasted her time, I lie, and I'm not very nice to her.
I then start to feel the pain in my hand and regret punching the mirror, bits of it are stuck in my hand.
I pull them out one by one, and bandage it up.
~~
"What happened to your hand?" Alice ask me the next day at school
"Nothing." I say
"Uh huh sure." She laughs
"Drop it Alice."
"Oh come on I'm just worried about you, I wanna make sure you're alright."
"Well don't. Don't worry about me, I don't need to be worried about" I say suddenly angry again
"Okay well bye miss pissy." Alice turns around and I watch her walk off down the hall
My eyes sting again.
Stop being a cry baby
I bite my lip and dig my finger nails into the palm of my hand, as I take in deep breaths.
I won't cry, I won't, I won't, I won't!
When I am sure that I won't, I go to my next class, of course late.
Jess looks at me excited I might let her in.
The eating disorder monster yells at me.
You can't do this you obese whale!
I point for her to sit on the bed, the bed doesn't even show her sitting on it yet when I sit down the dip in the bed is sooo big it reaches the floor beneath us. Except no one can see it but me.
If I stand up it's just as bad you'll be able to see my body it's fat begging to rip out of my clothes.
"What is it Cali?" Ask Jess ripping me from my thoughts
I start biting my nails a nervous habit which I hate. Let the ground open up and swallow me I regret this so much right now.
"I don't know."
That's good you fat ass. Don't let her in isolate yourself!
"Cali you can't tell me something is wrong and then expect me to leave like it's nothing."
I want to let her in so bad but I can't, as if she'll believe me I'm a 93 pound obese whale.
Logically in my brain I know that 93 pounds is underweight, I know that I can't live at this weight, but the eating disorder monsters voice is so loud it drowns out the logical me, the smart me.
Score:
Me = 0
Monster = 1,000 x infinity
"Calista!" Jess snaps me out of my thoughts, I am constantly losing my focus
"Huh? What?"
"What are you gonna tell me."
I'm weak, I know you don't have to tell me.
"I- um I'm stressed out about school, and the party that Alice is having." I lie, I fail, I'm weak.
I'm sorry forgive me please, it's just I know you wouldn't believe me anyways.
Jessica looks at me she can see through the lie, she sighs.
"Goodnight Calista." She closes the door.
I can't believe you, you wasted all her time, and almost revealed your secret, dumb girl
Fuck you! Leave me the hell alone I yell back at my mind.
My anger is so high, I can't get rid of it, I punch the mirrors all around me, I'm a horrible person I don't want to see me, I don't want to know me, I don't want to be me.
I can't blame Jessica for being angry at me, I wasted her time, I lie, and I'm not very nice to her.
I then start to feel the pain in my hand and regret punching the mirror, bits of it are stuck in my hand.
I pull them out one by one, and bandage it up.
~~
"What happened to your hand?" Alice ask me the next day at school
"Nothing." I say
"Uh huh sure." She laughs
"Drop it Alice."
"Oh come on I'm just worried about you, I wanna make sure you're alright."
"Well don't. Don't worry about me, I don't need to be worried about" I say suddenly angry again
"Okay well bye miss pissy." Alice turns around and I watch her walk off down the hall
My eyes sting again.
Stop being a cry baby
I bite my lip and dig my finger nails into the palm of my hand, as I take in deep breaths.
I won't cry, I won't, I won't, I won't!
When I am sure that I won't, I go to my next class, of course late.