Lies and Broken Smiles
20
The week passes by slowly and I'm so triggered I barely eat, I fast for two days, before I try to be healthy but being healthy doesn't work so well for me.
I figure I ought to at least have dinner.
Dinner for me is one slice of toast with jelly (130) it feels like too much.
So I have half a slice (65) I'm starving.
Okay I can have the whole slice if I exercise at least 30 minutes more, I have to make sure it's all gone.
It's so frustrating.
How many jumping jacks, minutes, sit ups, ect, to burn of this amount of calories.
I know it's stupid. I know 135 is to little to be eating, but how do you force yourself.
How do you force yourself to eat when you're terrified of the food going into your stomach and absorbing there.
Why can't healthy mind over power ED mind?
The healthy part replays over and over, it's not enough you NEED to eat more!
ED voice blast over it. You're disgusting, you're fat, you're worthless, you're not good enough, starve, don't eat you piece of shit!
ED wins. All the time. I don't know how to live. I don't know how to fucking eat anymore.
I don't want my life to be this, I never wanted it to turn out this way.
"Cali! Why are you always zoning out. Seriously I don't even remember a conversation where you don't do that."
"Sorry, you know I have a low attention span." I give her an apologizing smile. Trust me the
last place I want to be is in my mind.
"Well are you gonna sleep over on the last day?" Alice ask
"Oh yea sure."
"Good we can watch movies and pig out." She smiles
I wanna throw up "Uh huh."
"Whats wrong with you?"
"I just don't feel well."
"Don't you dare get sick on me, we have only two more days left of school."
"Don't worry I'll be fine." I give a weak smile "Is Julie better yet?" I ask
"Yea but since it's only the last two days there is no point in going in, I told you she just wanted a longer break."
"Smart of her." I can't think of anything to say. "I gotta go tinkle I'll be right back." I say
I rush to the toilets. I make sure no one is in any of the stalls before I start to let panic over take me.
Tears fall, its one of the days when this thing is to much for me and I can't deal with it, the last thing I want is to be around people, but I also don't want to be at home. I wanna disappear, just let me fade away.
I haven't felt like this in a while, but it happens.
The bell rings and I curse, I take a few deep breaths plant that smile on my face and head to my class.
When school ends I rush to my car and Jess is there. She better not bring up the throwing up I'm not in the mood to deal with it.
I drive home over the speed limit Jess yelling all the way, and head upstairs to my room, before anyone can talk to me.
I fall on bed and put on some loud music stop these thoughts I want them to shut up!
They run around in my head all day, I can't focus and it's no just about food, no it's about everything every little detail of the days replays and I don't know how to turn my mind off, and on days like this when I'm feeling so low I can't get it to leave, it gives me headaches.
I don't eat, I don't do anything I just have a shower and wait for sleep to claim me, I'm to tired for this.
I figure I ought to at least have dinner.
Dinner for me is one slice of toast with jelly (130) it feels like too much.
So I have half a slice (65) I'm starving.
Okay I can have the whole slice if I exercise at least 30 minutes more, I have to make sure it's all gone.
It's so frustrating.
How many jumping jacks, minutes, sit ups, ect, to burn of this amount of calories.
I know it's stupid. I know 135 is to little to be eating, but how do you force yourself.
How do you force yourself to eat when you're terrified of the food going into your stomach and absorbing there.
Why can't healthy mind over power ED mind?
The healthy part replays over and over, it's not enough you NEED to eat more!
ED voice blast over it. You're disgusting, you're fat, you're worthless, you're not good enough, starve, don't eat you piece of shit!
ED wins. All the time. I don't know how to live. I don't know how to fucking eat anymore.
I don't want my life to be this, I never wanted it to turn out this way.
"Cali! Why are you always zoning out. Seriously I don't even remember a conversation where you don't do that."
"Sorry, you know I have a low attention span." I give her an apologizing smile. Trust me the
last place I want to be is in my mind.
"Well are you gonna sleep over on the last day?" Alice ask
"Oh yea sure."
"Good we can watch movies and pig out." She smiles
I wanna throw up "Uh huh."
"Whats wrong with you?"
"I just don't feel well."
"Don't you dare get sick on me, we have only two more days left of school."
"Don't worry I'll be fine." I give a weak smile "Is Julie better yet?" I ask
"Yea but since it's only the last two days there is no point in going in, I told you she just wanted a longer break."
"Smart of her." I can't think of anything to say. "I gotta go tinkle I'll be right back." I say
I rush to the toilets. I make sure no one is in any of the stalls before I start to let panic over take me.
Tears fall, its one of the days when this thing is to much for me and I can't deal with it, the last thing I want is to be around people, but I also don't want to be at home. I wanna disappear, just let me fade away.
I haven't felt like this in a while, but it happens.
The bell rings and I curse, I take a few deep breaths plant that smile on my face and head to my class.
When school ends I rush to my car and Jess is there. She better not bring up the throwing up I'm not in the mood to deal with it.
I drive home over the speed limit Jess yelling all the way, and head upstairs to my room, before anyone can talk to me.
I fall on bed and put on some loud music stop these thoughts I want them to shut up!
They run around in my head all day, I can't focus and it's no just about food, no it's about everything every little detail of the days replays and I don't know how to turn my mind off, and on days like this when I'm feeling so low I can't get it to leave, it gives me headaches.
I don't eat, I don't do anything I just have a shower and wait for sleep to claim me, I'm to tired for this.