Lies and Broken Smiles
28
I'm so nervous I don't know what to expect, I'm sitting in room full of chairs and there are nurses behind the registery window, my mum annouces my arrival and that we made an appointment, the nurse is very nice and gives us papers to fill out.
The papers ask that I follow rules and be respectful.... I can do that. I have to sign agreeing to be respectful and follow doctors orders, I should've known something was up then.
Finally another nurse comes into the waiting room and introduces herself, she shakes my hand and leads me to another room, in this room I'm alone with this nurse, she ask me to fill out more papers, and she'll be back when I'm done.
On the paper it ask questions what have I eaten today... Cereal. What do I wish to weigh? 80 pounds. Have I ever self harmed? Yes. Where? Legs. So no one would ever know but I'm trying to be honest.
I stand in the door way of the small room I had been sent to and call for the nurse who returns quickly and smiles.
"All done?"
"Yes. " I mumble.
"Alright then lets take your blood pressure and pulse." She wraps the cuff around my upper arm and it tightens reading my blood presssure, I'm scared I'm so scared that my blood pressure and heart rate are sky high! She just smiles and but doesn't say anything she then ask me to use the rest room and remove my clothes and put on one of the gowns she has taken out for me, I obey, and quickly get changed, when I step on the scale I'm shaking so much I can't stand still, the nurse looks up at me and gives me a comforting smile.
"Nothing to be nervous about, it'll be alright."
"I'm so nervous." I just mumble.
She takes my hieght and weight. I'm 90 pounds.
She then lets me re-dress and sends me into another room where I'll meet the doctor.
The doctor is thin woman I believe she wants to make everyone fat so she can be the skinniest. She is nice though.
She sits down and ask me questions, mostly questions from the form I filled out earlier.
She then examins my body putting me in another gown and checking my teeth and the rest of my body. I then get back into the comfort of my own clothes, she then sits with me and pulls out a piece of paper.
"Do you like your eating disorder?"
"I don't know." I say unsure of what the right awnser could be.
"Lets do pro's and con's." She says though I have no choice "Cons?"
"Umm..." I tug at my hair my nervous habit.
"Low energy?" She suggest, but I don't really have low energy but I say sure.
"Not being able to concentrate." I say.
"What else?"
Cons
Low energy
Concentration
Not being able to eat favourite foods
Dizziness
Worrying family
Hair loss
Rots teeth
Worrying about weight
Weighing everyday
"Pros?"
Pros
Makes me feel better
Happier
Help cope with depression
Hunger highs
Sense of control
She says the cons are much more then the pros but the pros are just so powerful I listen to them.
She then pulls out another peice of paper and says she wants me to have 3 meals a day and 2 snacks. I sit there not knowing what to say, I was told this was just a check up I wasn't told anything about having to eat!
"I want you to gain a pound a week." She says and my heart rushes and my brain shuts because if I don't shut down I will start yelling.
"I don't want to gain weight." I say "I was just told I would be getting a check up."
"Even if you say you don't want to get better there must be a small part of you that wishes to get better, because you are here."
I'm thinking I'm only here because I was told this is a check up, never told that I would be forced to gain weight.
The papers ask that I follow rules and be respectful.... I can do that. I have to sign agreeing to be respectful and follow doctors orders, I should've known something was up then.
Finally another nurse comes into the waiting room and introduces herself, she shakes my hand and leads me to another room, in this room I'm alone with this nurse, she ask me to fill out more papers, and she'll be back when I'm done.
On the paper it ask questions what have I eaten today... Cereal. What do I wish to weigh? 80 pounds. Have I ever self harmed? Yes. Where? Legs. So no one would ever know but I'm trying to be honest.
I stand in the door way of the small room I had been sent to and call for the nurse who returns quickly and smiles.
"All done?"
"Yes. " I mumble.
"Alright then lets take your blood pressure and pulse." She wraps the cuff around my upper arm and it tightens reading my blood presssure, I'm scared I'm so scared that my blood pressure and heart rate are sky high! She just smiles and but doesn't say anything she then ask me to use the rest room and remove my clothes and put on one of the gowns she has taken out for me, I obey, and quickly get changed, when I step on the scale I'm shaking so much I can't stand still, the nurse looks up at me and gives me a comforting smile.
"Nothing to be nervous about, it'll be alright."
"I'm so nervous." I just mumble.
She takes my hieght and weight. I'm 90 pounds.
She then lets me re-dress and sends me into another room where I'll meet the doctor.
The doctor is thin woman I believe she wants to make everyone fat so she can be the skinniest. She is nice though.
She sits down and ask me questions, mostly questions from the form I filled out earlier.
She then examins my body putting me in another gown and checking my teeth and the rest of my body. I then get back into the comfort of my own clothes, she then sits with me and pulls out a piece of paper.
"Do you like your eating disorder?"
"I don't know." I say unsure of what the right awnser could be.
"Lets do pro's and con's." She says though I have no choice "Cons?"
"Umm..." I tug at my hair my nervous habit.
"Low energy?" She suggest, but I don't really have low energy but I say sure.
"Not being able to concentrate." I say.
"What else?"
Cons
Low energy
Concentration
Not being able to eat favourite foods
Dizziness
Worrying family
Hair loss
Rots teeth
Worrying about weight
Weighing everyday
"Pros?"
Pros
Makes me feel better
Happier
Help cope with depression
Hunger highs
Sense of control
She says the cons are much more then the pros but the pros are just so powerful I listen to them.
She then pulls out another peice of paper and says she wants me to have 3 meals a day and 2 snacks. I sit there not knowing what to say, I was told this was just a check up I wasn't told anything about having to eat!
"I want you to gain a pound a week." She says and my heart rushes and my brain shuts because if I don't shut down I will start yelling.
"I don't want to gain weight." I say "I was just told I would be getting a check up."
"Even if you say you don't want to get better there must be a small part of you that wishes to get better, because you are here."
I'm thinking I'm only here because I was told this is a check up, never told that I would be forced to gain weight.