Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Bailey's POV

Jade and I have always gotten along. I couldn’t think of a time where I have ever told anyone that I was annoyed with her and talked down about her behind her back. We bickered all the time, but I have never wished that I wasn’t a twin. I never wanted a different sister.

No matter how many times people tell me that Jade and I are complete opposites, there will never be a time I will care. I don’t care how cliché it sounds, I couldn’t live without Jade; she is my other half. I always believed that someone’s personality could be entirely contradictory of another’s, but the two could complete the other. Because that’s what we were.

Ever since we were little, I could know every emotion Jade was feeling without her telling them to me and vise versa. That connection somewhere in our brain was been there since birth. When Jade was feeling anxious, I could tell by a simple glimmer in her green eyes. And when I felt scared, Jade could identify it by an unseen twitch in my lips. Because we knew everything about each other.

There is an unspoken compliance between us as well. It’s something that no one can understand unless they have a twin, or someone they love so dearly that their lungs wouldn’t expand unless the other was present somewhere on this Earth. What Jade feels, there is a part in my heart that intuitively feels that same emotion. Where I go, Jade’s brain tells her she must go with me.

Try to imagine all those feelings, and then picture not being to use any of the instincts that have been present for forever. It’s the most terrifying feeling ever.

I was scared shitless when Jade disappeared Saturday night without saying a word or showing her face before she vanished. I was so worried, wondering where she had gone, until she came home at three in the morning, sounding wordless and sad from where I laid in my room.

And then as I lay in bed Sunday, I could hear the running water of the shower through my wall but Jade’s flowing voice was silenced. I didn’t hear her footsteps overhead bouncing around to New Found Glory while I did laundry.

Jade didn’t even start blabbing as we ate our cereal before school today. She was hushed and stared in to the bowl of Cocoa Puffs, puzzled. Her face scrunched in the same position as it is when she is trying to untangle her iPod ear buds when they got horribly tangled. She was trying to figure something out, trying to muster up the vigor to put on her strong face.

She always felt the need to be the strongest. Sometimes I thought it just came with her character of eagerness to please everyone, but other times she built up walls that hid everything from people who she tended to judge. She didn’t want me to feel the need to protect her, so she did if for herself and me.

I racked my brain for reasons why she would be blocking me out. For the first time ever, I couldn’t understand what she was feeling and I couldn’t sympathize with her. My heart felt light, but I could tell hers was heaviest.

On the drive to school, she was silent too. Her phone wasn’t out texting her new friends. Not even Alex. In fact, it lay on the kitchen counter plugged in to the charger all day Sunday. Something happened at the All Time Low concert to make her feel this way. She had a great time during the show, so something happened after to make her ditch.

I was scared. But I pushed the questions to the back of my head as I walked in to my first class, math, but I could sense the wondering fluttering in the bottom of my stomach the entire day.

English was better with Kaylie and Melanie because Jade put on a smile, made her classic Jay comments and joked around. I crossed Melanie and Kaylie off my “Potential Problem” list.

“Wasn’t the show awesome?! I told you you would love it,” Melanie whispered excitedly to Jade during study time. I shifted my eyes to peer through my hair as I kept my head focused on my notebook to look at Jade’s face. I saw a slight falter in eyes before she exclaimed.

“Yeah, it was great! I couldn’t get them out of my head all weekend. Ask Bailey, she probably heard me screaming the songs in the shower,” she chuckled. Lie. Jade never lied. Kaylie chuckled and the substitute teacher we had today glared at our group and cleared her throat at us so we all went back to studying.

I pulled out my phone. Jade. What is going on? Are you okay?

She didn’t even text back. She just gave me a look that said “What are you talking about?” but I saw through it. I shot back a biting look, telling her I knew she was lying.

==========

“CARROTS!!” Jack yelled obnoxiously when he took a seat beside me at lunch. Of course snatching all of the carrots off my tray and stuffing the handful into his mouth. Everyone at the table gave disgusted looks.

I tried to hide my smile. “Jack! I was going to eat those!”

He tried talking but it only led to a slimy carrot slipping out of his mouth and falling into my mashed potatoes. I picked it up hesitantly and chucked it at his forehead. It hit him and then landed in his hand, which he proceeded to shove it in to his mouth, chewing it, and then giving me a giant, cheesy grin that revealed little orange chucks all over his white teeth.

“Sick, Jack!” I giggled lightly and picked up a peanut from Kaylie’s chex mix and threw it at Jack again. He caught it and threw it back at me but missed badly.

“What the fuck Jack?” Alex said as he approached the table, looking around to find what was thrown at him. Everyone chuckled as they noticed the peanut was still sitting in his hair. Alex didn’t realize and proceeded to sit down. “Hey Jay Bird!” he said happily, seeing Jade for the first time since the show. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders in a hug as they sat.

Jade chewed the lettuce she was eating to one side of her mouth and answered, “Hi.”

Kaylie and I exchanged an awkward glance.

Alex shook the rejection of a hug off. “What’s up? You didn’t text me back yesterday. I feel like I haven’t talked to you in forever!” he joked, flicking his wrist and rolling his “r’s”

Everyone at the table kind of quieted down and silence lingered when Jade didn’t produce her usual laugh. Instead, she hesitated, like she was trying to form words. “Well…you saw me Saturday.” Alex looked a little taken aback, not really understanding why his new friend was being so distant, when usually she would be joking back.

I saw Rian shift awkwardly in his seat and Jack sat quietly, eyes shifting between my sister and his friend. The girls slowly raised their heads to look at Jade, never being exposed to this side of her. And even though the lunchroom noise could be heard down the hallways to the other side of the school, the only noise at our table was the chomping of crunchy carrots next to my ear.

Bingo. Alex was the problem.

Kara quickly turned to Melanie and started a conversation about what her parents did this weekend, signaling to everyone else that they shouldn’t stare. We all suddenly became very interested in our food.

“What’s up Jade? Is everything okay?” Alex asked, less excited now.

“Hmm? Yeah. Just…tired. You know,” she said distracted.

“Umm…yeah. Okay, I guess.” Alex quickly turned to Rian and Jack and started talking about band practice.

My inquiring eyes tore in to Jade’s head. She wouldn’t look up, specifically avoiding my stare. I sat quietly the rest of lunch like usual, but this time I studied Jade every move. How she always had to hesitate after a joke was made, like she was reminding herself to smile.

Lunch finally ended and I think everyone was eager to get out there.

“Oh wait! Alex has my history book. Can we stop at his locker before we go to class?” Kara asked me on our way to European History. I nodded and followed her to where Alex was standing.

“Hey you two,” Kara smiled at Alex and the girl standing next to him.

“Hey Kara, Bailey,” Alex winked at us. I smiled and looked at Alex’s arms. His right one was wrapped around Kara’s history book. The other, wrapped around a waist. I looked back up at Alex’s face, trying hard to keep a straight face.

Alex saw my expression of confusion though, and spoke up. “Oh um, Bailey, this is Lisa.” He smiled down at her and she returned the smile.

I didn’t remove my hard gaze from Alex’s face through. “Yeah, I actually met her at the show on Saturday.”

“Oh, right. Of course,” Alex said awkwardly, turning red. I let my eyes watch him intently for a few more seconds, making him feel uncomfortable.

I decided I had made him feel discomfited long enough, so I tore my eyes away from him slowly and smiled sweetly at Lisa.

“Well we better get going,” Kara said happily, oblivious, along with Lisa, of the tension that I had towards Alex.

“Yeah, I’ll better be going too. Bye-bye, Alex,” Lisa said earnestly before her and Alex’s lips attached yearningly.

My eyes were wide when I put the pieces together.

“T-They’re dating?” I asked hopelessly as Kara and I walked up the stairs.

“Yeah. They’ve been dating for a while now. On and off. She’s pretty nice.”

“I didn’t know she went here. Why I haven’t I seen her around?”

“Oh! That’s right, you’re new here! Wow, I completely forgot. It feels like we’ve known each other forever,” she laughed at herself. I laughed impatiently along with her. “She told me she went to visit her dad in Florida for a couple weeks. She got back Saturday morning just in time to surprise Alex at his big show. Isn’t that cute?!”

“Yeah,” I smiled to disguise my shock. “Super cute.”

==========

“Jade!” I yelled down the hallway after seeing a head of long blond hair bobbing through crowds. I received a couple glances, causing my face to redden and become embarrassed. I sped up my footsteps to where Jade and I usually met before her math class and my painting class. “Jade Elizabeth Bates.” Using Jade’s full name caught her attention and caused her to give me a surprised look.

“Hi Bailey?”

“Jade, we need to talk.” I pulled on the sleeve of her sweatshirt and dragged her to a small corner in front of the auditorium.

“About what?” she asked almost scared.

“Really? You’re going to act like you don’t know what I’m talking about? Really?” I said annoyed over the chattering in the hallways.

“Yes.”

“Jade. Don’t be like this.”

“Like what? I haven’t done anything,” she said, raising her voice at me. This is how our usual bickering started, so I was used to short, bitter answers.

I crossed my arms and leaned a little forward in to her. “It’s what you’re not doing.”

We stared crossly at each other for a few silent moments before Jades spoke up. “Well Bailey, I hope you figure out what’s wrong because it sure as hell isn’t me. I have to go to math; don’t wanna be late,” she said, mocking me with an overly sweet voice.

The hallways were almost clear now, the bell going to ring in 20 seconds. A few pot heads were running to make it after they got high outside of the building. She started walking away a little too quickly. I rolled my eyes and yanked on her sleeve again to pull her back.

“Bullshit!”

“What?”

“I said, Bull. Shit.” This time Jade crossed her arms over her chest unsettled, waiting for me to go on. “I know you don’t go to math, Jade. How stupid do you think I am? You go and hang out with Alex.” She shifted her eyes uncomfortably. For once I was thankful for Jack and Tom’s constant chat in painting. “What was going to be your plan today? Were you really going to go and skip Trig and go talk with Alex? Because by the looks of it, you two aren’t doing so hot.”

She knew I knew. She couldn’t hide her feelings from me, no matter how she tried.

Instead of talking to her cruelly, I softened my voice. “How long have you known about Lisa?”

She searched my eyes pointedly, but gave in. “Saturday,” she whispered out.

“Is that why you left? Because you found out Alex had a girlfriend?”

“It wasn’t like that,” she said, defending herself. “Alex and I were having a serious conversation and she just…surprised me, that’s all.”

“You, you like him.” I could tell, even if she wouldn’t admit it. “So you felt hurt he didn’t tell you he was taken.”

Jade was silent for a while, looking at the ground. “It’s not just that!” Her voice echoed down the empty hallway. “It-It’s…It’s just everybody. Everyone is toying with my emotions!” Her voice crack and she lowered her voice. “I don’t get it. They just keep getting in my head and getting me to…to let them know me. I hate that they all care! They don’t even know me.” Who said that Jade and I were complete opposites, what Jade had just said out loud was what rolled around in my head. Everyday. I knew the feeling. She felt so comfortable and loved, that everyone could just make me feel like I could say anything and tell everything. But then I remind myself that they don’t understand. They can’t understand what it’s like to have so much to say, and know, that if I say it that I will be judged, not accepted, run away from.

Jade’s eyes glistened at the thought. But the thing was I hadn’t seen Jade cry for six months. Her soul has been hollow of any emotions. I was almost scared of what I would do it that tear drop made its way out her eye and down her cheek. I knew what she was thinking about; I thought about it every second of every day.

Just thinking about back home, the reason we were here, like we were just useless pawns, made me cry. I had cried once since we had arrived in Lutherville, but I cried everyday before that for six months. Everyday. As if I was looking at myself in a mirror, a tear slid down my sister’s face.

I immediately pulled Jade in to my arms. I felt different. Like, for the first time in my life, I had to be the strong one. I had to be the Jade who came in to my room at nights when she heard me sobbing in my dreams. I had to be the Jade who gave me pep talks to keep my mind from wondering back to the past. For the first time, I had to step up and take control. Be the big sister.

“It’s so hard,” Jade said, trying to hold be more tears. I nodded silently, understanding. Jade was strong and never showed weakness. I never understood why she felt the need to always keep me safe. It scared me sometimes, knowing that she has always kept in her fears and held her true feelings in, eager to show people she was always fun and happy.

“Jay, sometimes you need to tell me things verbally. Get this shit out. It sucks when you leave your head, because I can’t get in. I feel weird when you’re not in your head. I need to know what is up!” She nodded against my shoulder and looked up. “So you and Alex?” I joked, trying to lighten the mood. She smiled lightly and looked away. Suddenly her face hardened.

She spoke tentatively. “You know how I left the show without telling you? Well, that night I was thinking about…Sam.” I felt my eyes tear up too. “Alex just, does that to me. He makes me feel so relaxed around him. Bailey, I almost told Alex,” she whispered out, barely audible. It was like she was ashamed of herself.

Usually, I would tell her to keep our secret a secret. I didn’t want to whole world to know, but when the words left Jade’s mouth all I could think about was how amazing that would be; to get this weight of both of our chests. Telling Alex seems like the medicine Jade needed. She could do with letting out her feelings to someone; it would be the healthiest thing. I could tell in her eyes, she didn’t want to tell. She thought it would make her weak.

Jade was about to say something else, but she was interrupted by a voice. The voice echoed down the hallway and made us both jump. It was the last person I expected to see at the moment actually and was surprised to see a light haired boy coming towards us, uncomfortable as he stepped and tense in his shoulders. I smiled at him lightly.

“Jade, we need to talk.”

==========

“Ooo! Baybay is llaaate!” Jack yelled as soon as I walked in to painting. I hadn’t even stepped both feet inside the door and already Jack was making everyone stare at me.

“Bailey, do you have a pass?” the teacher asked me. I shook my head shyly and quickly walked to my seat to avoid more embarrassment from the staring eyes.

“Hey,” Tom said, laughing at who-knows-what. I smiled and turned to Jack, who was ceaselessly poking my shoulder.

“So where were you, missy?”

“Just at the bathroom.” I took out my brushes and started to paint.

“It took you ten minutes to go to the bathroom?” I looked at Jack pointedly. “Or! I bet you were lighting up outside with the blazers! Totally bad ass, Bailey.” Jack pretending he was crying and wiped a tear from his eye. “I’m so proud; my little baby is growing up.”

“Shut up, Jack,” Claire said from the opposite side of the table.

“Shut up, Jack,” Jack mocked, copying her Scottish accent. She rolled her eyes and proceeded to tell us one of her boring stories. Again.

Jack then held up a fake gun to his head, shot Tom and then me, and himself. “You’re welcome.”

“Jack, if you get even one little dot of that paint on me…” I warned, hushed so Claire didn’t hear us interrupting her. Jack was pretending to paint the green strips that lined my shirt, but instead of having a clean brush, he held a paint filled one centimeters away from the cloth and traced the stripes.

“Oops…” I heard from beside me. I angled my head oddly to look at my shoulder.

I looked up to meet his scared, innocent eyes. “You are so dead.”