Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Jade's POV

“Jade, we need to talk.” I turned my attention towards the boy standing no more than 5 feet from my sister and me. His face held confusion, obvious distraught, and sadness. This boy was overwhelmed by so many depressing emotions that I felt the need to run and hug him just to see the smile I had grown to love on his face. But I wasn't willing to make physical contact with this boy at the moment. Alex wasn't in the category of earning my affection once again just yet.

But it had to happen eventually. We were too great of friends to ignore each other for too long. But I was slowly starting to realize that maybe our friendship hadn't been as platonic as I had assumed.

I merely nodded towards Alex; a glimpse of hope present in his eyes. Looking towards my sister, a reassuring smile graced her lips before she pulled me into a hug.

“I think you should tell him.” Pulling away from her, I looked into her eyes, trying to search for something that I couldn't really place. That's when I knew it; I was ready to say it. I was read to admit to the gruesome events that held our past and new present together. She understood me better than anyone, which is why she knew that Alex was probably the best to confide in about this. I don't know how she knew, but I never went against her judgment. I nodded once more, stuffing my hands into my pockets before following Alex outside towards the field.

Walking to the field was extremely uncomfortable for, not only me, but I could tell Alex felt the awkward tension as well. Normally, we would be sprinting to see who got to the field first in order to gain a dollar; the game we always looked forward to playing, the teasing pushes we would make in order to win. It wasn't like that at all now, walking silently and awkwardly to the back of the field; it almost made me want to turn around and finally go to math class.

As we sat down, he immediately pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his disheveled hair. To say the air around us was filled with tension...let's just say it could be cut with a knife. I looked at the ground and began plucking up multiple strands of grass amongst the spacious field. The whole ordeal brought upon a strong sense of déjà vu that I couldn't help but laugh about. It was all too similar to that first day when we met and talked, getting to know each other.

Alex looked up from his lap, staring incredulously at me, but soon laughter caught up with him as well and we both sat on the grass laughing as the air cleared around us.

“What the hell are we even laughing about?” Alex asked, clutching onto his stomach as he laughed harder.

“I'm just waiting for you to ask me to say something interesting about myself.” I said through staggered breaths, trying hard to compose myself. Alex looked at me, deciphering my words. “This just reminds me of that day where we became the best of friends.” Alex smiled softly and looked back a down at the grass, playing with his hands in his lap.

“That was a good day, wasn't it?” He asked, looking back over at me, a small smile on his face that I couldn't help but return. “We learned a lot about each other that day.”

I nodded. “Except for one little detail,” I replied looking back down at the grass, plucking a few more strands. When there wasn't a reply, I continued, “Alex, why didn't you tell me about Lisa?” There was an audible sigh and a long pause. He was thinking over his words.

“I thought it would interfere with us being the type of friends that we are.” I looked up at him; he was already staring at me. “I know that's not a reason, but it never occurred to me to even bring her up. I mean, would I just randomly say, 'Oh hey, Jay, by the way, I have a girlfriend.' Imagine how awkward things would be with us after that?”

“It wouldn't have been awkward, Alex.” I whispered, staring deeply into his eyes. Alex sighed once more.

“I know,” He replied, rubbing a hand over his face, “I guess I realized that too late.”

I nodded, “Yeah, when she was standing there, looking at me crying.” I laughed softly, the awkwardness gone for a few moments, “That whole thing is really awkward now that I look back on it.” Alex chuckled too, nodding his head.

Silence settled between us as we looked down at the grass. The awkward tension had returned and I continued plucking pieces of grass, building a small mounds of the strands. Alex looked around, rubbing the back of his neck and pulling his hood on and off as he messed up his hair nervously. We sat there for minutes, just continuing to do the same things over and over again before I became extremely uncomfortable.

Finally, Alex cleared his throat, gaining my attention.

“I meant to ask you about that night...” Alex trailed off, looking up at me, a sad expression ever present in his eyes. “What did you mean when you said...that you knew what it felt to lose someone?” I swallowed the saliva collecting in my throat. This was it; this was the conversation I had been dreading. Now the question had to be answered; would he accept me after hearing the answer to all his unanswered questions about Bailey and my unspoken past? I was; I was prepared; but was he? It was now or never.

I swallowed once more, looking away from his eyes. “If I tell you, will you promise not to treat me any differently than before?” I met Alex's eyes, his searching mine. He nodded and I looked away again. I couldn't bear to look at him as I told the story.

“Bailey and I aren't...the only kids in the Bates family, you know. We have a brother,” I swallowed the lump forming in my throat, “had a brother.” I heard a small intake of breath from Alex's spot in the grass as I tried again to swallow the growing lump in my throat.

“His name was Sam. He and I were really close and the same with him and Bailey. He was overprotective and loving and...everything that a perfect brother should be. We both loved him so much.” The waver in my voice told me that I was on the brink of an emotional disturbance; something I had only anticipated to happen. My hands felt clammy and they shook as I wiped them on my pants leg. I could feel my skin turn cold; I was finally having a break down.

Finally, a small tear fell out of my eye; I quickly wiped it away but knew it wouldn't be of use, Alex had already seen it and there were going to be more where that one came from.

“One day, Sam was supposed to pick me up from guitar lessons downtown; he never showed up. I waited for what seemed like forever for him to come, but he...didn't.” The tears were flowing heavily now, just like I had predicted.

“I called Bailey and asked if she knew where he was. She said he had been in his room all day. I heard the footsteps going up the stairs, the opening of doors and then screaming as the phone clattered onto the floor. I didn't know what was going on until I heard Bailey sobbing, telling me to get home as fast as I could. The call was disconnected shortly after.”

The tears fell faster now, falling off my face and into the grass, splashing onto the green strands and I tried to compose myself enough to move on. “I ran 5 blocks to get home. When I did, I ran inside and up the stairs where I heard Bailey sobbing and screaming in Sam's room. When I walked in, she was sitting in the bathroom next to the bath tub where Sam...” I choked on a sob, covering my head in my hands. I felt Alex's arms around me rubbing circles into my back. As I looked up, I met his eyes; there were tears falling down his cheeks. I had no idea why he was crying, but I continued, I needed to. I couldn't stop now.

“Sam had killed himself. He had slit his wrists and laid in the bath tub, while Bailey had been downstairs. When we found him, it looked like he had been trying to crawl out of the tub, like he had rethought what he was doing. Next to him was a note. All it said was, I love you and I'm sorry.”

I finally broke down then. I cried like I should have when I saw Sam laying there in the tub 6 months ago. I hadn't in fear of looking weak; even in times of great emotion I hadn't even cried at the loss of my only brother. I let out all my pent up emotions into the fabric of Alex's shirt and the thing is, I felt his chest wrack with sobs as well, his tears falling into my hair. Alex pulled me onto his lap again, wrapping his arms around me just like he had after he sang at the show only a few days ago.

“The thing is, he was always so strong in front of Bailey and I that we never found out why had done it. I guess that's why I hide behind that wall, like you said. I just want to be strong for my sister.”

“Being strong for your sister doesn't mean sheltering your feelings, Jay.” Alex whispered, pulling my head away from his shoulder so he could look at me, his eyes red and tear stains were formed on his cheeks. “You need to let it out and not be afraid of who the hell sees you cry. You have a right to.” I nodded and laid my head back on his shoulder, the both of us crying a little bit more onto the other.

“Why are you crying, Alex?” I asked softly as he rubbed circles into my back.

After a small pause and an intake of breath Alex whispered, “I know what you're going through.”

And there it was. The compassion; trying to put himself in my shoes. I hated that. No one ever understood what I was going through, so why did they try? Why the hell would they try to make themselves understand something as gruesome as seeing your own brother dead before by his own hand when they hadn't experienced it for themselves.

“No you don't,” I spoke harshly, pulling away from him as he stared at me with a hurt look in his eyes. “Why would the hell does everyone do that? You don't understand what I'm going through, so why do people even try?!”

“No, Jade. I really do understand-”

“No, you don't, Alex. Stop trying to make it seem like you do.” Alex pulled me into his chest once more as a few more tears escaped past my eyes. He rocked me back in forth in arms, just letting the silence fill between us.

“I know what you're going through, Jade. Really, I do.” Before I could protest, he clamped a hand over my mouth, silencing my words, “I lost my brother a couple years ago.” He pulled his hand away from my mouth as a couple tears escaped his eyes as well. “He killed himself, too, and let me tell you, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. To be fucking honest, sometimes, I don't even wanna get outta bed. I didn't the whole first week he was gone.”

Tears were flowing freely from both our eyes as we recalled past losses to one another. It was hard for both of us to recall, but now I understood why I had made such a connection with Alex.

I pulled away and looked into his eyes, a watery smile on his face. “I wrote Lullabies for him. ”

I stared at him, reading all the emotion in his face; heartbroken, distraught, tired, caring, compassionate, “Was that the song you sang for me...?” I asked. He nodded, tightening his grip around my waist.

“I missed him so much, and I was so angry at what he did, but I couldn't help that somehow, I should have known. I could have done something to prevent it, but I didn't. I still miss him and sometimes I do blame myself, but then I realize, that he's probably somewhere where he's happy and that's all that matters.” I nodded once more as a few more tears rolled down my cheeks. Alex quietly wiped them away with his thumb, the same watery smile on his face.

“I guess we have more in common than we thought.” I whispered. I felt him chuckle softly in my ear, tightening his grip further as we sat out in the field, both of us crying over the losses we had acquired.

“Alex,” I whispered, a new fear settling into my system. Alex pulled away from my shoulder and looked into my face, the tears tracks still glistening on his cheeks, “you won't..tell anyone...will you?” I whispered, looking deeply into his eyes.

He shook his head, wiping away the remaining tears on his cheeks with the back of his hand, “Only if you promise not to tell anyone I cried like a baby.” I giggled softly, but nodded nonetheless.

“It'll be our little secret.” Alex smiled, pulling me back into his chest as I smiled against the warmth and scent of his sweatshirt.

I no longer felt hesitant with telling Alex Gaskarth anything from then on; I never would again.

“Hey,” Jack said, walking up to Alex and I as we stood near the front of the school waiting for the guys to all come out, Alex's arm wrapped around my shoulder. School had ended and we had both run out of tears a few minutes before the bell had rung; long enough for us to compose ourselves and make it look as if we hadn't been crying for about an hour.

“Looks like you two settled things...whatever those things were.” Rian said, walking over to us with his arm casually draped over Kara's shoulder. I looked over at Alex who smiled down at me, nodding his head.

“Yeah, we did.” Bailey then walked out of the school, talking with Kaylie animatedly before her eyes caught mine. There was a small pause in time as my sister and I exchanged glances. She didn't even have to ask. She already knew that everything had been resolved.
As time picked up again, a huge grin plastered onto her face as she approached the group.

“It looks like everything is good again.” Melanie said, standing next to Jack as he nodded and high-fived her quickly.

“I say we go home and watch movies to celebrate.” Jack said, followed by a chorus of 'hell yeah's.

“I'll call Zack.” Bailey smiled, pulling out her cell phone and dialing the blond boy's number.
I looked over at Alex as he smiled down at me; I found myself grinning back at him.

“Everything's back to the way it should be.” He whispered, squeezing my shoulder and pulling me closer to his side as we followed the rest of the group to the parking lot.