Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

I remembered the first week that I arrived in Lutherville, I couldn’t wait to finish out the week and start the weekend because I was so uncomfortable with my surroundings and so unsure of my emotions and what I was supposed to feel. I didn’t have any friends. All I had was bad memories.

Now I had best friends and only good thoughts ran through my mind. I loved going to school and seeing everyone and then hanging out after school. When weekends came, I usually looked forward for Monday because that’s when I would be able to see everybody together again. It’s where I felt safe.

I loved my friends and when I walked around the school, sometimes I tried to picture myself in with other cliques that I passed by, but it just seemed so wrong. They wouldn’t make me laugh like Jack or be obnoxious and pushy like Melanie. I know they wouldn’t feel comfortable with bringing in two misfit twins like Alex did or make me feel like I was important like Kara, Rian and Kaylie did. It occasionally made me think back to my friends in Essex. They were so different from what I had now and I never would have thought I would be so happy with these kinds of people. The people that were spontaneous, free and not judgmental.

As I was leaned over the bathroom counter, swiping the mascara over my eyelashes, my mind wandered to school, friends, my sister, homework and anything else that consumed and made up my new lifestyle.

I heard my name being called, pulling me out of my thoughts. I quickly shut my mascara tube and threw in the couple items of makeup I had used in to my makeup bag and ran towards the stairs where Clara was calling me.

“Bailey, someone’s here for you.” I gave my aunt a questioning stare. It was ten in the morning and I had made no plans whatsoever for the weekend. Clara picked up on my confusion. “One of Jade’s loud friends.”

“Jack?” Clara shook her head and I started to walk down the stairs to answer the door. “Melanie?” She shook her head again but I didn’t need to ask again because by then I saw who was at the door. “Hey Alex?”

“What up, Bailey.”

“Nothin much.” He kicked off his shoes and I took his heavy winter coat from him and stuck it in the closet and as I did that, he took of his hat and immediately pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his shaggy hair.

“Is Jade here?”

I scoffed and led him in to the kitchen where Clara was packing her purse and leaving for work. “Are you kidding? It’s Saturday. It’s Jade. Don’t expect her up for a good two hours.”

“I guess I should have known that,” he said chuckling.

“Why? What do you need?” I asked, a little confused at why he didn’t call either one of us.

Alex plopped himself down at the kitchen table and laid his head down in his folded arms. “I’m so bored!” he dragged out, whining like a little child.

I laughed and dug through the cupboards to find some breakfast. Finally in the fridge, my eyes landed on a carton of eggs. “Have you had breakfast yet?”

“Yep.”

“Well…do you want some eggs?”

“Yep.”

As I moved around the kitchen, Alex and I chatted aimlessly whether it was about “Cranky Clara” or Rudolph the Reindeer. I never thought I would be talking to Alex like this because I never saw the really nice and caring side of him. As a group, I usually saw him friendly and talkative, and a one on one conversation with Alex was rare for me, but I understood why Jade liked it so much.

It made me wonder about Lisa. If Alex was so bored, why wasn’t he hanging out with her? I wasn’t stupid, and of course, Jade told me what Alex said to her at the party. Even though everyone is past the events that took place at the party last week, the guys barley remembering what happened because they were so hammered, it was still evident that Lisa was a touchy subject.

“So, Christmas is coming up,” Alex said, pulling me out of my thoughts, “got your presents yet?”

“Kind of, not really. Well, I wasn’t really thinking about getting a bunch of stuff. I’m broke and jobless.”

“Totally know what that feels like.” I laughed and took a sip of my water, waiting for Alex to continue on talking. “I have a question for you…”

“Shoot.”

“Well…I was wondering…” He seemed unsure to ask me, like I would betray him almost. “Do you think I should get Jade something special for Christmas?”

I was surprised by his question; that was one of the last things I thought Alex would ask. I knew Alex and Jade had a special connection. They understood each other for some reason that I never really picked up on.

I weighed the choices. He could get Jade a special present, showing her that he really appreciates their friendship, bringing them closer. But what would his girlfriend think of her boyfriend giving Jade an individual present and only her?

But if he didn’t, that just wouldn’t be right. I knew Jade and Alex spent a lot of time together and they really enjoyed each others company. So besides all the rumors and conflicting possible outcomes, if Jade really did mean as much to him as he did to her, then it was a good idea.

I nodded slowly, afraid to answer at first but when I saw his eyes light up with my head bobbing in agreement, I nodded faster and verbally agreed. “I think it’s a great idea, Alex. Jade would really love that.”

“You think?”

“I know.” I saw Alex’s smirk turn in to a wide grin and it looked like he was formulating his plan in his head as we sat there. “So what are you thinking of getting her?”

“Ah, ah, ah, Bailey. I am not telling you! You and Jade have the creepy telepathy shit. You’ll probably tell her through your dreams and crap like that. Nope. Na-uh.”

I pouted and crossed my arms across my chest. “You’re mean. I’m not going to tell you what I got you then.”

“You got me something?!”

“Yep,” I said arrogantly, standing up and walking in to the living room with Alex trailing behind me anxiously. “But I’m not telling you.”

I sat down on the couch and Alex sat on the other end with a grumpy expression. “Jade’s right; you are mean.”

A shocked look crept to my face. “Jade says I’m mean?!”

“Yes she does. I’ll tell you other stuff she says about you if you tell me what you’re getting me.”

I squinted at Alex, debating whether it was a smart idea to give in. But I couldn’t resist. I wanted to hear what Jade said. “Fine.” Alex fist pumped beside me. “But it’s nothing special. Clara had a bunch of left over king-sized candy bars and I was going to package a whole bunch for each of you.”

“What?! Why didn’t we come trick-or-treating in your neighborhood?!”

I cracked up at Alex’s overly sad face, truly disappointed that he missed out on all the chocolate. But what Alex said earlier made me wonder about Zack and forget about the juicy details Alex was supposed to spill. Alex thought about getting Jade something for Christmas to show how much she meant to him and I sometimes felt that way about Zack. He was the only one, besides Jade, that really paid attention to my emotions. He could always tell when something was bothering me or making me uncomfortable. Maybe it was because of when we met I was a mess and he never really knew what made me so upset and that caused him to always be worried about me. Whatever the case, he always seemed to be there when I needed someone and went out of his way to make sure I’d be alright.

“Alex? Do you think I should get Zack something…?”

Unlike me, Alex didn’t even have to think about it; immediately he answered. “Yes.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course!”

“How are you so sure?”

Alex looked so at ease as he sat on the couch and his words came so easily. “Well, it’s pretty obvious you guys have…something…” he waved his hands in the air. “I don’t know what it is…but Zack is a pretty closed off person. Which I’m sure you’ve noticed. He doesn’t open up to people very quickly. And between you and I? Us guys always joke around with him about how he just acts so himself around you, but in all seriousness? It’s really cool.”

I felt a blush creep to my cheeks as Alex spoke so sincerely to me and I felt almost embarrassed to say anything but luckily I didn’t have to hurry for words, because Alex spoke again. “Bailey. You don’t have to tell me, but I’ve been wondering…Do you…like Zack? Like, like like?”

The blush in my cheeks darkened and I knew Alex could definitely see it. To be honest, I really didn’t know. The things he did and they way he said things, made me feel really special, but most of the times I thought it was just because Zack was a really sweet guy. But the more and more we saw each other, I felt different around him. “I-I--”

“What the fuck is that?!” Alex blurted out, looking up at the ceiling to where a pounding was coming from. I looked up at the ceiling as well and listened to the rhythmic beat that was being hammered in to the floor above us.

“Oh that? That’s just Jade dancing around to music.”

Alex burst out laughing. “No way. That’s awesome!” I was pretty used to it. When ever I started to hear banging above me, I knew Jade was up. I felt my brains scatter for an answer as Alex still was smiling up at the ceiling to my sister’s dancing. I hoped Alex wouldn’t bring up the subject and would forget about what we were talking about.

Alex started laughing again. “Oh my god. I’m sorry Bailey, I have to go see this!” He hopped off the couch and darted up the stairs to my sister’s room. I laughed as I watched him go, then let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t want Alex to know an answer I didn’t even know for myself.

I took out my phone and texted Jack, Kaylie and Zack, asking if they wanted to hang out or do anything later. As I waited for them to respond, I went up to clean the bathroom and my room, where I could hear Jade and Alex giggling through the walls.

After a while, I got texts from Jack and Kaylie saying they were busy, so I sat down to do my homework while I waited for Zack to text back. But he never did, which was unusual.

Twenty minutes later I was on the road jogging to Zack’s house. I never had been to Zack’s house, only when I was with Jack while he dropped him off, so I had to dig through my memory to remember how to get to his house. It was a long jog, but the super cold winter air really woke me up and cleared my brain.

When I got to his front door, I almost turned around and ran back, afraid that I had the wrong house but something in me brought my finger up to the doorbell instead of turning me around. A couple seconds passes before I heard the door handle being jiggled and finally opened. I was greeted with an unfamiliar, but friendly face.

“Hi,” I said shyly. “Is Zack home?”

The woman, who I was assuming to be Zack’s mom, opened the door a little more so she could see me and allowed me in. “Yes he is, and who are you?”

I shuffled in my running shoes. “I’m Bailey. One of his friends.”

“Oh right. I think I’ve heard your name being mentioned once or twice,” she said with a smile on her face. She opened the door fully and allowed me to step in to the nicely heated house. “He’s right up in his room,” she said before walking away.

I slipped off my shoes and looked around. Zack had been over to my house plenty of times but I had never once stepped foot in his. I looked straight ahead to a flight of stairs and decided that was my best bet.

After reaching the top, I looked around the carpeted area and spotted a door with a band poster on the front. I slowly slide open the door and peeked my head in. Plain grey walls dulled the room along with his dim lighting from a couple burnt out light bulbs. His clothes were lazily thrown around with his junk accompanying the dirty fabric.

I spotted Zack lying on his back on his unmade bed with his guitar resting on his stomach. He was looking up at the ceiling as he plucked little melodies out on the strings. He looked pretty deep in thought, but I couldn’t just stand in his doorway, admiring from a distance.

“Hey Zack.” Zack jumped two feet in the air when he heard me talk softly and he lifted his neck to see who was at his door. He had to do a double take when he spotted me, me being the last person he was expecting.

“Bailey?” I entered a little farther in to his room and he sat up quickly. “Um…What are--What’s up? You okay?”

I smiled and I felt myself get a little nervous. “Yeah, I’m totally fine. Just came to see what’s up.”

“Oh,” he said, still a little shocked, but he looked happy enough to see me. “Cool, come in. Um…” he stood up from his bed and threw the sheets up, making the bed sloppily and then clearing some things away on his floor by kicking them aside. “There. Sorry it’s a little messy.”

“It’s all good,” I said shyly and laughed nervously. I walked over to his bed and took a seat next to him.

“You seriously scared me. I’m still shaking!” he exclaimed, holing his hand next to mine and letting me see how it was trembling.

“Oh wow, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you got scared by little girls,” I said, keeping a straight face, but Zack saw through it.

“Ha. Ha.” He said lamely, bumping my shoulder shyly.

I bumped him back before talking. “So what were you playing before? It was pretty.”

“Thanks,” he said in his nasally, quiet voice. “I was just playing around…”

We spent the rest of the afternoon joking around and surprisingly, we never got bored. He played me a new song on the guitar, we watched T.V., had a snack, joked around some more, get yelled at for being too loud, went for a walk, and then came back and joked around some more.

“Zack, you are something else.” I said as we sat on his bed with our back against the wall. He looked at me with a confused look to the random statement. “First, you are like…a freaking body builder. Then I find out you’re in a band. Then you skateboard. Now photography?” I motioned to his camera that sat on the top of his dresser.

“What other side of you is there?” I asked as I crawled off the bed to get his camera and look at his pictures.

I heard his embarrassed chuckle he got whenever someone tried to compliment him. I walked back over to the bed and sat down next to him again so he could show me his photography.

“I’ve pretty much told you everything, Bails.” I tore my eyes away from the screen and looked at him. He looked up too with a smile causing me to grin back.

I looked in to his eyes and I realized I really did know a lot about Zack. Alex said earlier that Zack was pretty secretive and didn’t like to share things too quickly, but he told me things so freely. I felt privileged that he felt so comfortable with me and that he wanted me to know all those things about him; those stupid, useless details that really make any relationship strong. But I also felt bad. How could I know so much about Zack, but he barely knew anything about me? He probably didn’t even know half the reason of why I moved to Maryland in the first place. He didn’t know who my family was, stories about me from when I was little or some of my favorite things to do. Of course, I told him things about myself but I was so cryptic and the thing I loved about Zack was that he never poked or prodded me. In reality, I was a shy, emotional girl who couldn’t hold her own and ran away because I can’t even handle myself. The only Bailey Zack knew was the Lutherville Bailey. I started to feel guilty.

I broke the overly long eye contact with Zack and stared down at my sweatpants.

“I better get going. It’s almost diner time and all…” Zack scratched the back of his neck and tried to find something to focus his attention on too after he felt the tension in the air.

He walked me to the door and watched me as I slipped my running shoes on.

“Whoa, you ran here?” he asked when he recognized the shoes I usually wore for exercising on my feet and I nodded. “Want me to drive you home or something? I can take my mom’s car?”

“Nah, I’ll run. I’ll be fine. Thanks though!” He nodded uneasily as he watched me slip on my headband.

“Thanks for coming over, Bailey. I had a super fun day.”

“I did too,” I smiled at him and gave him a quick hug before I started to walk towards his snow-covered driveway. I needed this run to clear my head for sure. All I could think about was how guilty I felt now that I had realized how much of a horrible friend I was. Zack didn’t seem to think so though, he liked to spend time with me and didn’t pressure me for anything. As I thought about telling Zack things, I frowned, because sometimes I thought I wasn’t ready to share. I told Alex, and that was the hardest thing. It made me feel better though. But I don’t think I could tell Zack, I didn’t think I was that far along yet.

“Bailey!!” I looked up from the end of the driveway to Zack running towards me. “Bailey!” He finally caught me before I ran off. “Jack just called me.” I waited for him to tell me what he said. “There’s a movie night at Melanie’s like usual. Mostly everyone is there and Matt ordered pizza.”

“Cool that sounds fun! Are you going to go?”

“If you will?”

“Sure!”

Zack smiled delighted. “Awesome. I’ll go get my mom’s car and we can ride there together.” I watched as he ran to get the car out and once he did I hopped in and we drove off.

“I’m so hungry!!”

“Hand me that motherfucker!”

“Hey! Jack stole my pepperonis!”

“Shut up, dip shits! I can’t hear the movie!”

Zack and I both simultaneously laughed when we walked in the Flyzik’s door. Hearing the usual arguments coming from the living room was annoying, yet refreshing. One would think that hearing Rian complain about his hunger, Alex being a demanding and needy baby, Melanie complaining about Jack and Jack complaining about everyone else talking almost every night would get old, but it didn’t. It just made me feel right at home.