Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Saying goodbye to someone is just as hard as telling them that you won't be coming back. In my sister's and my case, our goodbye pretty much meant the same thing. Everything about it foretold that we wouldn't be coming back to live in Essex anytime soon, and we didn't. College was in the near future for my sister and I, though I still hadn't given much thought about schools and furthering my education, and I didn't think I would be, but at the moment, I wasn't really worried about college, education, or ever returning to Essex. At the present time, all I cared about was my two best friends from New Jersey standing in front of me, sad smiles on their faces.

I tried my best not to show off in my face that I was upset that I wouldn't be seeing them for a long time, but in reality, they had been my best friends since, before I could remember. They might not have been there for me as much as I would have liked, but they were still my friends and I still loved them all the same.

“I promise I'll come and visit you guys.” I said, standing in front of Bryan and Mandy, looking between the two of them as my sister muttered words to her friends as she packed a couple more suitcases into the back of the trunk.

Mandy waved it off, “Nah, don't worry about it, Jay. We know you'll be touring all over the world with your rock star boyfriend.”

I blushed, knowing exactly who she had been talking about. Bryan and Mandy had given me grief ever since I told them about the text Alex sent on New Years and our little exchange of words after I had been told they had become a signed band.

“He's not my boyfriend. He has a girlfriend.” I mumbled, the blush creeping further up my cheeks.

Bryan scoffed, “Yeah, well, he wants to be your boyfriend.”

“He doesn't know what he wants.” I answered back, my words still mumbled, but Bryan had heard them.

“Do you know what you want?” He asked, walking toward me and placing a comforting hand on my shoulder.

I hesitated before nodding, “Yes.”

Bryan smiled, gripping my shoulder tightly for a second before pulling back his hand, “Good. Now go to Lutherville and get back to the old Jay we know...and somewhat loved.”

Mandy and I laughed before I embraced both in a hug, trying to remember how good it felt to be able to hug them, just because it would be a while before I got to do it again. Letting go, we all showed off our best smiles before Bryan rolled his eyes, pushing my shoulder.

“Just get the fuck out of here before Mandy starts crying.” Mandy's face held an expression of pure horror and shock.

“Yeah right! I don't cry.”

“Not in public.” Mandy scoffed opening her mouth before I cut her off.

“Guys, never change.” I laughed, starting to back up toward the car, a smile on my lips.

Bryan grinned, “You sound like a yearbook autograph...but we won't. Promise.”

Bailey hugged her friends one last time and climbed into the drivers side sitting down as I plopped myself down in the passenger's seat. Doors were closed, key put in the ignition and the car jumped to a start, my sister and my grins crawling further up our cheeks.

“To Lutherville?” Bailey asked, turning to look at me.

I nodded, rolling down my window, “Lutherville or bust, baby.” Bailey laughed, pulling out of the driveway as I pushed my head out of the open window.

“Goodbye fucking New Jersey! Hello Maryland!”

“You kick some ass, Jay!” Bryan yelled, waving to me as Bailey's friends turned to look at him in disgust.

Mandy stuck out her tongue at them before cupping her hands around her mouth, “Show lover boy who's boss!”

I laughed, flicking them all off as Bailey turned the corner and I could no longer see them.

Goodbye New Jersey. Hello Maryland.

Goodbye Root Beer. Hello Diet Coke.

We had been driving for hours. It might have been a shorter amount of time then I actually thought, but I couldn't be sure; I had been too excited to keep track. It was exciting and thrilling to be able to go home without any of the guys knowing that we would be returning merely a day after hanging up the phone with them. We had missed them too much longer, and if they knew we were coming, I'm sure they would have similar feelings on the subject.

As we pulled around the familiar twists and turns in the road that we had traveled to get to aunt Clara's home months before, Bailey and I began to get anxious, singing rather obnoxiously loud with the windows rolled down, filling the night air with the music flowing through the silence.

“Stay seventeen, the party scene has got the best of me and you we've got to let this go!” Bailey and I screamed the lyrics to one of our friends' songs, laughing as we turned another familiar corner.

“At this rate, we'll be home in a couple minutes!” Bailey exclaimed, gripping the wheel a little tighter in anticipation, a huge grin on her face. I couldn't contain it any longer; a girlish squeal escaped my lips and I did a little dance in my seat, Bailey laughing as she looked at me from the corner of her eye.

“I can't wait until we can see them! I have no idea what I was thinking, wanting to leave this place.” I muttered, shaking my head and looking out the window, though the smile never left my face.

Bailey chuckled, “I have a vague idea, but I think it just made us both realize how much we can't live with out Lutherville.” I quickly agreed, letting out another squeal as we turned onto Clara's street and seeing her monster of a driveway in front of us.

As we pulled into the driveway and parked, the front door flew open and out ran aunt Clara, her arms outstretched. Bailey and I sprinted from the car, not caring for a second about open doors and luggage in the trunk. All we cared about was rushing into our aunt's arms, hugging her for the first time in what seemed like centuries.

We hugged and small tears were shed, I'll admit I even teared up a bit, but, knowing me, I didn't actually cry. Clara and Bailey were like human waterfalls though. We brought all the luggage inside, laughing and joking all the way. Clara had finally gotten it right about what foods to buy for us now and she made sure to tell us that our pop tarts were in the cabinets, which just made Bailey cry a little bit more and me to smile harder, glad that I was back. Plopping my duffel bag on the bed, I was no longer afraid to call this room my own. Quickly, I threw my clothes in the closet and the drawers, placing my pillow on the bed, but as I did so, I unpacked a few more items I hadn't brought along with me the last time we had packed up to go to Lutherville. On the dresser, I placed pictures of the family, sticking some of Bryan and Mandy in between the mirror and the wood surrounding it. Posters of bands were taped to the wall, along with little odds and ends that would make the room a little bit homier.

“Hey,” Turning around, Bailey stood in the doorway, smiling as she looked around the room, “I see you haven't wasted anytime getting settled in?”

I shook my head, taking out the last photograph and placing it on the bedside table. In the picture were three kids, all sitting on the top of the slide. The first little girl was covering her eyes as her brown hair curled past her shoulders. The next girl was holding the brunette around the waist, her smile bright and cheerful as she turned back toward the boy who was holding onto her middle with obvious protectiveness. His smile matched hers, both of their green eyes meeting as they began to go down the slide.

Bailey stood beside me, the ghost of a smile on her lips, “Where did you find this? I thought we lost that picture?”

I shook my head, “It had been in the glove compartment of our car,” Looking over at my sister, I smiled, “Sam had been holding onto it.”

Bailey smiled, nodding her head as she sat down on the bed. It was quiet for bit as we stared at the picture, taking in the memory of that day and our elder brother.

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and turned toward my sister, a smirk on my face, “Let's go surprise our friends.”

Bailey furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, “How are we supposed to do that? Go to each of their houses individually?”

I rolled my eyes, sitting next to her on the bed, “You obviously don't know what today is.”

“Sure I do. Its Saturday.” I nodded.

“And where do our friends go on Saturday nights?” I asked, looking at my sister as I smirked.

Bailey smiled, “A party.”

I pointed my finger at her, nodding my head, “Bingo. And where are all the good parties on Saturday nights?”

Bailey smirked, “I know exactly where they are.”

The pounding of the bass shook the ground as my sister and I walked toward the house, multiple people stumbling around the front yard. I never found out exactly whose house this was, but all the good parties had been thrown here and the guys and I had gone here the night of Halloween, which was the first time I ever went to a party with the guys.

Remembering that night, I smiled, walking up the front porch, my arm intertwined with my sister's for support, though I didn't think I needed it. I felt like I was home. Not the part about being at the party, I felt home because I was in Lutherville.

Walking into the house, it seemed like people parted ways for us, letting us walk in with ease, though it had probably been a figment of my imagination. Bailey and I greeted a few people who had been in some of our classes with us, but really, we were just looking for those faces we had missed all the months we had been gone.

And soon I was on the ground, sitting on the floor of the house, my sister and another pair of hands helping me up, muttering apologies.

“Nah, it's all good.” I brushed off, wiping my hands on my pants to rid them of the dirt the floor had contained.

“Can I get you anything?” Looking up into his face, his eyes bugged out, though his huge smile didn't waste anytime in making itself known. “Oh my FUCKING GOD!” He yelled, pulling me into a hug and Bailey shortly after taking in her presence standing next to me. “You're back?” He asked, my sister and I nodded which caused his smile to spread further onto his face “You're back!”

“Who's back, Rian?” A brunette I could only place as his girlfriend asked, walking out from behind him with two plastic cups in her hands which quickly dropped to the ground when she saw our faces, a shrill scream escaping her mouth as she encased us in a huge hug. “You're back!” Kara yelled, jumping up and down and giving us more and more hugs, which we both gratefully returned.

“Let's get you something to drink, huh?” Rian asked, his smile never leaving his face for a second as we followed him to the kitchen. But Bailey and I never made it inside, considering that we were soon plastered to the wooden floor.

“YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! YOU'RE BACK!” Jack yelled, his skunk hair covering his eyes but the grin on his face was clear as day. He quickly picked us back up, but all three of us were knocked over as Melanie and Kaylie ran in, jumping on top of us amongst screams.

And then Zack walked in. Looking over at my sister, I saw the blush creeping up her cheeks, the blush present on his face as well. I smiled, trying to focus on the babble Jack and Melanie were yapping about in front of me, but I couldn't help but let my mind drift to the boy that hadn't seemed to make himself present.

And then he was in my line of vision, a red plastic cup in his hand.

It was like in all of those old fashioned movies, where suddenly the lights dim and all you can see is him. He does a double take on the girl and his mouth drops, a smile forms on his face and he realizes that the girl he's been missing, the girl he's been looking for even, is standing right there in front of him. Without even excusing myself from Melanie and Jack, I began to run through the crowd, Alex pushing his way through drunken dancers before he could finally pull me into his arms, encasing me in the warmth I had missed and longed for since arriving in Essex, New Jersey.

This was home. I was home.

“You're back,” Alex whispered, nuzzling his head into the crook between my neck and shoulder. I could feel the smile on his lips, but I couldn't blame him; my smile was just as big.

“I'm back,” I mumbled, tightening my grip around him, like he would slip away and I would wake up from all of this, still in my bedroom in New Jersey.

“So many things have happened since you left,” He mumbled, pulling away to look into my eyes, flicking around my face as if trying to figure out if I was real or not.

“Okay, do you want to tell me what they are now or...” Alex nodded, grabbing my hand and pulling me away from the dancing bodies and toward the front porch where the pounding of the bass was less intense. Alex stood against the white railing, placing his hands on either side of his body, a smile on his face as he continued to stare at me, the admiration in his eyes blasting out at me. It was clear that he had missed me, but I was trying to figure out if that look had been there before I left for Essex. I don't think it had.

“So..” I trailed off, standing next to him against the railing.

“Lisa and I broke up.” Alex blurted, looking away from me and onto the ground of the porch, shuffling his feet around. My eyes widened and I looked at the side of his face, hoping he would further explain things. When it seemed like he couldn't ignore my stare any longer, Alex turned to look at me.

“Just like that? When?” I asked, fully turning to look at him now.

“The day before New Years Eve.”

“Was there a reason for it?”

Alex scoffed, nodding, “Oh yeah, there was a reason.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “What was it?”

There was a long pause, filled with Alex pacing in front of me, his mouth flapping open and closed with words that he hadn't yet spoken and was clearly thinking over in his head. Finally, he stopped in front of me, putting his hands in his pockets.

“I like you, Jade.”

My eyes must have bugged out of my head by this point. So many things were flying through my head, questions mostly, but a couple things seemed to be burning a little brighter in my head than others.

I swallowed the saliva collecting in my mouth, nervously, “You...what?”

Alex walked a little closer, staring deeply into my eyes, “I like you, Jade. A lot. When Lisa broke up with me-”

And that's all I needed to hear to start pacing. Lisa had broken up with him. He hadn't figured it out for himself that he had feelings for me. For all I know, I could have been a sudden decision. He was single and on the rebound. I had shown affection towards him when I was here, and now I was back and he needed some affection. I wasn't the rebound girl and if he was gonna toy with my emotions, I wasn't going with it.

“So, Lisa broke up with you? When did you figure out that you suddenly had feelings for me? The second you no longer had anyone to hold your hand? Didn't have anyone to lay their head on your shoulder?”

“You think I'm lying?” Alex asked, walking forward and pulling his hands from his pockets, “You think I'm playing with you? Well, I'm going to tell you right now, Jade, I'm being one hundred percent fucking serious right now. Fuck, I've never been more serious in my life.”

“How do I know I'm not the rebound girl?” I asked, a small snarl on my face. Alex's face softened.

“Because you could never be second best to anyone.” He whispered, looking deep into his eyes.

I wanted to believe him. I wanted to, really, but I wasn't falling for his tricks again.

“You know,” I said, backing up and away from him, starting to walk toward the party once again, “the last time we were thrown into this situation, you were playing guitar for me and I cried on your shoulder. I started falling for you then, because you seemed to understand me. But then your girlfriend came outside” Alex's face held only remorse and grief at the memory of that night, “I came second that night, so I should have every right to feel like I'm coming second now, too.”

And I walked away to rejoin with the rest of my friends, leaving the coffee haired boy standing on the porch, his head hung low as he shoved his hands in his pockets, shuffling his feet around on the ground.

I had been waiting for that moment since the night at the show when Alex had played Lullabies for me. But, like everything else, I had messed it up, and now I was regretting it and walking away from my mistakes. That wasn't how I imagined that conversation going at all.

This wasn't how I imagined returning to Lutherville. I expected smiles and hugs, especially with Alex because I had missed him. I didn't expect to be wanting hugs from everyone else but Alex.

In general, this wasn't how I expected my long awaited arrival to come to. But it had, and now I was left to think about what to do to fix everything.