Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Bailey's POV

The halls were quiet once I stepped out of the activities office. As I walked through the deserted halls, my footsteps echoed on the tile. A few people were still loitering around, but the majority of the school had gone home.

I didn’t usually stay after school. It was fascinating to see how the hallways looked so plain and dead compared to students running around, causing trouble during the day. Usually constant chatter pulsed in the air, making it challenging to even hear what the person next to me was saying sometimes.

I walked quickly to my locker and grabbed a couple books that I needed and shoved them in my backpack. The echo of the door that slammed shut rung through the locker bay. I looked around the area. Jade wasn’t anywhere. I had told her to meet me by my locker.

Shuffling out to the front of the school, I dug through my pockets to get my phone. As I waited for her to pick up, I busied myself with putting on my coat one-handedly.

“Yes?” Jade answered, bored.

“Where are you?” I hissed.

There was a short silence. I knew Jade was replaying the day back in her head, creating a list of the tasks she was supposed to do and reviewing the things I told her. “Shit,” she said, finally realizing she was supposed to be at school to give me a ride home.

“Jade!” I said frustrated. “How could you forget?!”

She groaned. “I don’t know. I just did. Everyone got to talking and we just walked out of the school and I didn’t think twice about having to stay.”

I rolled my eyes. She meant to say she got lost in conversation with a certain someone. “How could you not realize I wasn’t in the car with you?!”

“Well, in my defense, Jack and Mel road home with me too. So…you could see where--”

“No. You don’t get a defense. I can’t believe you left me here at school. This is so typical.” This was why Jade and I are opposites. The root of our differences: the little detail of communication and accountability. “Come and get me.”

“Well, we’re all at Rian’s house because All Time Low is practicing right away today.”

“So….I’ll just camp out in the principal’s office then or what,” I snapped.

“Damn, Bailey. Calm down and stop having your stupid hissy fit. Zack still isn’t here yet so just call him and see if he can pick you up on the way.”

I heard a smirk in her voice, but I didn’t see why this was amusing. “Whatever.” I hated when she acted like things weren’t a big deal. If I would have forgotten to give her a ride, which I wouldn’t have in the first place, she would be all up in my face and wouldn’t let it go. But I could never hold her to things she did. She always got her way and I got left in the dust.

I shouted the complaints about Jade in my head as I found Zack’s number in my phone. I tapped my foot patiently for him to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey Zack. It’s Bailey.”

“Hi.”

“Umm…do you think you could pick me up? Jade forgot about me.” I shifted the weight of my heavy school bag and kicked the wall with my toe to keep my jitters under control as we talked.

I heard hesitation in his voice before he spoke, “Um, yeah. Sure. Where are you?”

“Dulaney.”

“Alright. I’m just passing by now so I’ll see you in a couple seconds.”

“Thank you, thank you,” I said gratefully. I dug out the scarf Kaylie gave me for “Christmas” and wound it around my neck as I waited for Zack’s car to pull up. Once I spotted his Toyota Prius out front, I hugged my coat close to my body and ran to jump in the passenger seat.

“Hey!” I greeted, happy to see Zack. Since he didn’t go to Dulaney, I hadn’t seen him all week. In addition, All Time Low was practicing so often that I didn’t go to many practices. But this also meant we couldn’t hang out as much because we all had school work to do. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“Sure thing,” Zack said, checking his mirrors before he pulled away from the curb. Several times I tried to start a conversation but Zack didn’t seem like he was in the mood for chatting. We drove in silence for a while, but there was still a weird tension around Zack.

“So…um, how was your day?” I asked hesitantly, afraid he would coldly shoot me down again.

“Fine,” he replied, bored. He flicked on his left blinker, drowning out any mumble Zack would have said, if he would have said anything.

I turned my head to look at him straight on. “Are you okay?”

“Yup.”

“Alright…” I narrowed my eyes at him but he kept his eyes glued to road ahead of him. “Well, I signed up for track today!” He smiled weakly and I continued. “I’m really excited about it. I don’t really know a lot of the girls on the track team here, so I’m nervous about that part. It looks fun though. Dulaney’s track program is like, 100 times better than my old team. None of the coaches know me and they might favor their favorite girls instead of me, but I know I’ll work my way up.” I continued rambling. I found myself talking freely about nonsense around Zack a lot lately. “Zack. What’s wrong?” I stopped my talk about the track team midsentence and asked Zack again. He hadn’t even feigned interest.

“Nothing,” he tried shrugging my comment off.

“Come on, Zack. You’re acting weird.” Zack turned his head to look out his window and checked his mirrors repeatedly to avoid eye contact with me.

“Zack.”

“Zack!” He jumped at the volume of my voice. “Come on, you can tell me.”

He stayed silent still.

“Zack. We’re friends. You can trust me.”

“Really? Are we?” I gave him a questioning glance and saw the anguish and frustration in his face. I turned myself in the seat so I could look at him better as he talked. “Because when you act so shady all the time, it really throws me off.”

“W-What do you mean?” Zack hadn’t met my eyes the entire ride, but he finally turned his head towards me and his hazel eyes were fiery; I was blindsided.

“When were you planning on telling me why you moved to Lutherville? When were you planning on telling me about why you ran away and then came back? When were you planning on telling me about your brother?” I felt my stomach do a flip at the mention of my brother. “You know, it’s bad enough that you and your sister are so…so…secretive. But I found out through Jack?”

“W-Wha--how…whe--why…” I stuttered over my words. So many questions were racking my head but I couldn’t get one complete fragment out. “I-I was going to tell you,” I said embarrassed.

“When? I don’t have a lot of experience in the whole “keeping stupid secrets from people” department, but I don’t think it gets easier as time goes on.”

“You think that was a “stupid secret?!” Well you’re wrong,” I said back, with the same amount of bite he was putting into his rebuttals.

“Please. Enlighten me,” he said sarcastically.

“You’re being such a dick, you know that?” He didn’t say anything to that, but continued to drive. I composed myself and started to speak leveled. “I wasn’t hiding all this from you on purpose. It was just something I didn’t want to share. Is it so bad that I am a closed off person? Is it bad that I don’t want people to know everything about me? What if I don’t want you to know what I think about sometimes? You’re overreacting.”

“I’m overreacting? I’m overreacting. Yeah okay. Sorry that you were crying every night and were depressed. But whatever I’ll just let you go off by yourself.” Zack continued to be an asshole, dropping sarcastic remarks. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I would have understood?”

“Well you sure do not understand now!” I felt my stupid tears start to well, the way they always do when I get emotional.

“God damn it, Bailey. Has anything we’ve done in the past five months showed you that I wouldn’t be understanding and supportive? I was so patient with you.” It was my turn to stay quiet now. I knew he was right on this point. Every moment I spent with Zack only reassured me more that I liked him. He never did anything that offended me or made me not trust him. “Do you know how much it…hurt? To have to hear the pain that you suffered through from three asshole’s mouths? Not your lips?”

I hesitated to ask, “How’d you find out?”

“Practice, last Sunday. Jack vaguely brought it up and they discussed their thoughts about it. They just figured I knew since supposedly you and I are really close.” I looked down at my lap and started to twiddle my thumbs. “And then to hear that you just randomly spilled your heart to them? That was a slap in the face.” I knew I shouldn’t tell him that Alex knew almost four months ago, so I clamped my mouth shut.

“I didn’t just erratically decide to tell them one day, okay? Jack stumbled upon some pictures and there was no way I could lie about that.”

“But you would have lied about it?” Zack asked surprised. We wound the streets of Rian’s neighborhood slowly. “I guess that makes sense,” Zack gripped. “You did lie about everything before.”

“Don’t even say it like that! You have no idea! Did it ever occur to you that maybe it crossed my mind to tell you everyday?!” I felt a tear roll down my cheek, but I quickly wiped it away before Zack could see it. In situations like these, I wish I could be strong like Jade. “I knew I should have told you! But I had kept it a secret for so long that it just made it harder and harder to tell you. I’m not a bitch, Zack. You know that. And I’m not a drama provider.”

Zack pulled into Rian’s driveway and I spotted my green car along with Alex and Kara’s parked off to the side as well. Zack shifted the car into park and turned to look at me tentatively. “My brother was the best. It is so devastating to live without him. But, you guys make it better. You make me happy. So to tell you about him and to put you in the same spot I was? No. I need you guys. I don’t need your pity or your overly sympathetic words. I just want a regular person to treat me regular.”

Zack let the words I spoke sink in. “You underestimate us, Bailey. We’ve all dealt with suicide here. We know about the raw pain, the excruciating ache.”

“Well…” I said stiffly. “Then, you also must know how hard this is to talk about.”

Zack clenched his jaw at my snotty remark and studied my face for a second. “Yeah. I do,” he spat. “But you know what? I also know how easy it is to pull through it with someone by your side. So you can feed me all this crap about how you didn’t want others to feel sorry for you and treat you differently, but the truth is, we wouldn’t be in this place right now if you would have stopped being so selfish.” He glanced at the time. “I don’t have time for this. I have to get to practice.”

“Zack, stop.” I pulled his arm back towards before he was able to step out of the car. His liquid green and hazel eyes gaped deep into mine, waiting for me to say something. “Just…just tell me what you’re thinking,” I said ashamed.

He let out a forced exhale and leaned his head back on the seat’s headrest. After a while he spoke up. “I don’t know.” His whisper sounded so little and broken, making me feel even worse. “I-I thought you liked me. If you didn’t, well then I don’t even know what the hell we’ve been doing these past months.” Without more, he climbed out of the car and slammed his door shut.

After I saw him disappear into the house, I let my tears fall down. I hated myself for the mess I had gotten myself into. I stayed out in the freezing car all night; I wouldn’t dare to go into the practice.