Take a Sad Song and Make It Better

Bailey's POV

I sat with my feet up on the little kitchen table, casually sipping a glass of orange juice with a book in my lap. There were still a couple of morning birds lingering in the afternoon sun, providing a few chirps now and then. Almost nearing the end of May, it was warm enough to open the windows around the small, stuffy house.

I spent an hour trying to crank open some of the windows; Clara clearly hadn’t enjoyed the fresh air over the years. It wasn’t like she was home any of the time either, just like this afternoon. I didn’t mind that she wasn’t home over half the time. Jade and I weren’t the type of kids to need constant supervision. We entertained ourselves easily. When we arrived to Clara’s, we immediately made friends so she thought, perhaps, we didn’t need help all the time.

Our parents never needed to be a huge presence in our life either. Usually Sam was always there for his sisters so our parents didn’t need to. That was probably the reason Jade and I didn’t miss our parents, or feel a sense of homesickness as often and most likely the reason they rarely ever called to see how we were. It was natural

Everything about the transition to Lutherville had been natural. Things had changed so much but yet, I was comfortable with how it did.

It’s curious. How things change. My entire life had changed in a year. Not even a year, a few months.

I thought of my first week in this new town. I was so broken and lost. The only thing I had was my running shoes and my sister. I hid deep down in myself and pushed out emotion.

I smiled down the history book that I was trying to focus on reading. Instead, my eyes were skimming over the words, not comprehending them as I thought about the night I met Zack for the first time.

I was such a wreck and bawled right in front of him. He was a perfect stranger and never in a million years did I see myself breaking down in front of an outsider. My chest had felt on fire as I cried and my legs didn’t ache from the excruciating workout, but the ache in my hollow heart. He was there from the start, just like every single one of my friends I met my first week at Aunt Clara’s.

I remember I was so nervous and uneasy around everyone. The first time we hung out as a huge group, I was scared they could see straight through me. Even if they did, not one of them forced me or my sister to talk about things that we tried so desperately to hide. They just forced themselves on us, in a good way, even more. Melanie practically shoved us in her car to give us rides. It could almost be considered torture the way Alex always constantly had made me scream random words and be out of my comfort zone. And Jack? Don’t even get me started on how wild and free he acted around me, he had scared me; licking parts of my body, thrusting himself at me and tickling or swinging me around like I was his personal wrecking ball.

I actually had felt a part of something when Kara, Kaylie, Melanie and Lisa came over and gossiped and giggled all night with Jade and me. I finally had a group of friends that I felt close to, not just followed around and was walked over by. They were all such great friends and I loved having them around.

My eyes scanned over a picture on a page of The History of Western Society: The Wanderer above the Sea of Fog by Casper David. A man was standing on a rock and looking down a raging sea, a beautiful sunset above him. It reminded me of the night Jade and I ran back to Essex. We had such a wonderful life cut out for us here and we left it all behind that night.

That felt like so long ago but it was really only five months, and our return was only four months ago.

Ever since then, I was different. My confidence had changed. I was more comfortable with myself. I enjoyed being me and found happiness again. Somewhere amongst the dick jokes, “your mom” comebacks and unnecessary profanity, I found it. Loud laughter and pulsing parties filled my weeks and even though those scenarios should have been the least likely to work as therapy, they cured me.

I loved so Sam so much. I missed him. I had missed him so much and the pain of my much missed brother shadowed over me. It became a burden to talk about or even think about for that matter. It had made me cry and scream “why?!” and curl up in my bed and never get up.

It had been one year, two months and twenty-six days. I still thought about Sam. But not like I had six months ago. I did miss his perfectly straight teeth when something funny happened. Sometimes I would chuckle and look to my left, where Sam was supposed to be, and expect to hear his snorting laughter. When the sun shined, I found myself instinctively lurching to head to the garage and grab my shoes to go to the park. I would watch Sam and his friends skateboard and Jade and I would watch and make fun of the boys scrapping their knees.

I didn’t need him that much now though, I have wonderful friends. I just knew he would have loved them. He would have laughed along when Jack made an inappropriate comment about the hot new neighbors, he would have banged his head at All Time Low shows, showed Zack knew tricks on their skateboards, competed with Rian for the best smile, tried to flirt with Kaylie. We would have said “fuck” an unnecessary amount of times with Alex, watched Gilmore Girls and One Tree Hill with Kara (because crappy dramas was his secret fetish) and pestered Clara with his volume and obnoxious level of yelling with the boys plus Melanie, all of whom I now call my best friends.

“Jade!” I heard one of my said friends say desperately. I was torn out of my deep, deep thoughts and looked towards the stairs where Alex’s voice came from. I wasn’t surprised that he snuck in during the night (Jade thought she was so secretive) but more the tone of his voice.

“Alex, I have to go,” she said quietly. After, I heard Jade’s footsteps thundering down the steps and she walked quickly out the door, looking like she was in a rush. I dismissed the interruption and took a sip of orange juice before glancing back down at my history book.

Jade had changed so much since our arrival too. Before we left for Lutherville, she was so reckless. When we arrived, she was very closed off and stubborn. She acted like she owned the world, could take care of herself. She judged people and thought she always had to protect me. But then Alex came along. Because of him, she was able to trust. I saw how with every day she spent with the friends we had made, she slowly opened another stitch of emotion on her sleeves.

The trip to Lutherville was supposed to be a haven to heal but the trip hasn’t gone exactly as plan. Jade and I found connections that aided our relationship as well. Sam’s death separated us into opposite worlds. In Essex, Jade and I were two different people, but here we became each other’s best friends again.

I smiled at the thought of my sister as I took another drink of orange juice and massaged my sore legs, muscles worked at the track practice yesterday. As I winced, I realized some things haven’t changed. Moreover, things were fading back to old ways.

I hadn’t really talked to Jade in a while. She was either with Alex or I was off with Zack. We didn’t share things like we used to and I had no idea what was going on in her life anymore. I thought she was happy, but I guess I would never know if I didn’t actually confront her. She would most likely throw it in my face though, she could still make me feel guilty and get her way. That was another thing that didn’t change; our opposite personalities.

Something out of my character would be brought up for sure. Me, going behind everybody’s back to see Zack all the time was something I would never do. I was even shocked at myself. I didn’t know why I continued to be strung along on the unstable tightrope, but I liked it. Zack and I both knew that wasn’t just dangerous for our relationship or even our friend’s relationships with us, but us, physically. It wasn’t steady, in the label-less, boundary-less, relationship. How did Zack and I get so close all of a sudden? Why was I so comfortable with it? Zack and both agreed it wouldn’t be a scandalous relationship, it was more. It was deep, not just a thing that we kiss in secret, but we talked, we put trust in each other.

It was so different from the first time I met Zack, when he sat next to me while I cried. He was so awkward and timid around me, fearful of how to act and what to say. I was scared to talk to him and let people see me, especially so vulnerable. Now it was so innate to talk, laugh, joke, and live around him

I acted so much more differently around all of my friends now.

“Hey, Bailey,” a deep voice said, pulling me out of thought, or “reading.”

I glanced up and was met with the detached face of Alex. “Hey, Alex.” He walked over to the table with just his boxers and a t-shirt and ran his fingers through his already messy hair. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know, Bailey. I don’t know,” he said, confused. His head met his palms and he rubbed his eyes, propped up with his elbows. At his look of distress, I shut the book I was attempting to study and looked over at him, scooting my glass over to him, signaling I was willing to share.

He looked at it and chuckled. Nonetheless, he took a big gulp.

“You’re studying? On a Saturday?” he nodded his head at my history book.

“Yes. I don’t wait to do my homework on Sunday nights.” I teased him. “Wow, you are perfect for Jade, aren’t you?”

Alex laughed and punched my arm lightly. In the middle of his smile, he lost himself in his thoughts and it was clear that he zoned out into deep thinking, as his face turned into a puzzled expression. Realizing he spaced, he shook his head and stood up. “Have any sugary shit?” I heard him rummaging around in Clara’s close-to-empty cupboards for something to eat.

“I doubt it. You guys have already eaten Clara out of house and home,” I joked.

“Ahh, Cranky Clara. Cranky, Cranky Clara,” he muttered, amused. I laughed lightly too. I knew the grudge the boys had on her. She was crabby at them because they were too noisy and rude. I guess I wouldn’t blame her. Jack told me they interrupted her date and in his words, “he was gonna get some.”

I felt my phone vibrate for the first time today and reached in my pocket.

Ay baybay! cotton candy fucks and beer bong. Alligator baby nipple i love youuuu

All I could do was crunch up my face in confusion, but laugh at Jack’s text nonetheless.

The things my friends did should have annoyed me. They would have irritated the Essex Bailey. But not the New Bailey.

I looked back at Alex and watched him struggle with the jar of peanut butter and then drop a knife during the wrestle. He jumped up and flailed his legs and arms, letting out a high-pitched scream that only dogs could hear. I laughed at him and barely ducked in time to avoid being attacked with a handful of fruity pebbles.

I loved them beyond explanation. I would never leave them.